venting about bridesmaid stuff

thisismynickname2

We've been inundated with bridal party questions since the new year. Normally I am in Camp Etiquette and reassure people that we're all adults and people not asked to be BMs will get over it. 

Well. I have also admitted that when I was a lot younger I was passed over for being a BM and had an emotional discussion with the bride about it. And I got over it!

This weekend I was celebrating the birthday of a good friend. We were, admittedly, a lot closer when we were younger; I was a BM for her but did not ask her to be one of mine. She drunkenly told me at this party that she was really hurt I didn't ask her and it's been nagging at her for a year and a half. 

Long discussion short, I said that bridal parties reflect your relationships at the time of your engagement and marriage and the fact that I am very close with one other certain woman (whom she perceived as being asked 'over her') does not diminish my relationship with her. I also said it's obvious to me that we've been been slacking in maintaining our relationship for several years and that we need to work on that. We hugged it out and I hope everything's fine now. 

It just really irks me that wedding traditions force you to rank your friends. She said I was her #2 when she got married, and she wasn't even in my top 3, hence the hurt. Ugh! I deflected all wedding party talk during my engagement, didn't make a big deal about the bridesmaids during my bachelorette party (no badges or stickers or whatever), didn't have a head table- it was a very chill bridal party experience. I should have just asked my sister to stand up and be done with it, but I did really want to honor the two other women I truly consider my "best" friends. 

Stupid traditions!
/end vent

nerdwife

That's really frustrating. I know you didn't mean to hurt your friend and it sucks she felt hurt. But it sounds like you made the right decision at the time and that you handled what could've been a very awkward and potentially hurtful conversation really gracefully.

kvruns

that would be an awkward conversation. I know I was hurt at not being in a friend's bridal party years ago when someone else who it didn't seem like she had been that close to was in it. But I got over it and it was never a discussion even when other mutual friends would bring it up.

thisismynickname2

Yeah... I hope she just feels better having it off her chest and being able to clear the air. 

banana468

It's annoying.

I have to think back to a lot of this now that one of my good friends and former BM (as in, she was in my wedding - not that she was a BM and I kicked her out) is getting married.   I'm not in her wedding.

It stung a bit but more that she broadcasted on FB  who WAS in her wedding and that I wasn't part of it.   However, I love her, wish her the best and totally get that I don't need to cry over it.   I'm not.

I also think about a good friend who has been married for 10 years.   I wasn't in her wedding but she was in mine.   Now years later, I really value our friendship and it has nothing to do with having a strapless polyester dress in my closet.

The older I get, the more I would love for some of this crap to go away. 

NavyBlue143

Along the same vein, I was really hurt when my good friend since Kindergarten refused to come to mine because I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (we were still friends but not super close at the time) and didn't even invite me to hers several years later when we were much closer and it was local, yet she invited a lot of people she barely knew. I didn't expect or want to be a bridesmaid, but a friendship of 22 years being ignored like that hurt. 

thisismynickname2

Ugh @NavyBlue143
 that really stinks. It's very vindictive too. 

MrsMack10612

Late to the party as usual.

I chose my best friend and not my sister to be my MOH. I clearly remember my sister telling me eons ago that she if I ever got married, she didn't want the job, so I chose my friend.  She told me later that she was hurt for about 10 seconds and realized it wasn't a big deal.  

SP29

I think you handled that conversation well OP.

I get that one might be a bit hurt over not being asked- more so because the hurt person is probably realizing (s)he thought the friendship was closer/stronger than it is- but the big thing is how one acts on it. It's fine to have emotions and opinions- everyone is entitled to their own, but hopefully an adult will get over it and realize standing up in a dress is not what matters.

My best friend got married this past summer. We've been friends for 14 years, and she was my MOH. For a bit I was wondering if she would ask me.... and she never did. She ended up having no WP at all. A small part of me thought, "but I would stand up for you, or sign your license as a witness!" And then I realized this matters not ONE bit. It was nothing personal, no reflection of our friendship. I actually really liked how they didn't have a WP- the whole wedding, while beautiful and well hosted, was very simple- to the point. The B&G got to spend time with their family and friends got to be with friends. A few of us still threw her a shower, still did a bachelorette night and went and got our nails done a few days before- because we are friends. It was nice to have all of the WP "hoopla" not be a factor- we did things for the B&G because we wanted to, not because we felt obligated.