Moms and Maids

Am I being a brat?

quick back ground: I have 3 sisters. Two older sisters(A. & M.) that have the same mom and dad and we share the same Dad. One younger sister(H.) that has no relation to my older sisters, but she and I share the same Mom.

Because of my crazy family tree, I don't often get to have my sisters all together. I am close to both A & M and am close with H, but the three of them do not talk or interact without me being involved, not because of any issues, but just because they have no relation and were not raised together.

All 3 sisters are bridesmaids.

Now the issue: I've scheduled and gone on 2 wedding dress shopping trips. The first one my A & M could not make it and told me well in advice. H texted me the morning of to tell me she had stayed out too late at a concert and slept passed her alarm and wouldn't be able to show up. I wasn't upset or mad by this because H isn't usually flaky and this seemed like a random one off.

The second trip was more last minute (my mom planned it because she was excited to see more dresses after the first trip and really wanted my H there) A & M couldn't make it because it was just a few days notice and it was for the day after Christmas and they had plans. Totally understandable. H did show up to this trip and it was great having her there, she gets along really well with my MOH and my FMIL, we all had a great time. After that dress appointment we all went to lunch and I asked everyone when a good Saturday would be to go on another dress trip because I would really like to have one trip where we all went together and had lunch together after. Everyone, including H, said that 02/06 was the best Saturday, it was over a month away and I made appointments for that day.

Monday morning, I texted H to ask if she would be driving to my house with my Mom so we could drive to the store together or if she wanted to meet me at the dress store. She replied Tuesday morning and said "I have to be at a concert with my boyfriend at 12 that day so I won't be going."

She didn't even say sorry or anything. I haven't said anything back yet, because my feelings are really hurt, which makes me feel like I'm being selfish, but she did agree to this date over a month ago.

I don't know if I should tell her that it is really important to me? or do I just let it go? I don't want to be a bridezilla, but it is really difficult to get all 3 sisters together and I really wanted all of us to be able to do one shopping trip together. I'm pretty sure this is going to be my last shopping trip because I'm about 99% sure I've found THE dress.

Also, I really want to include H when it comes to things with A & M and my MOH because A & M both know my MOH a little more and I don't want H to ever feel left out.

BTW, this is so far the only wedding related thing we've all done together.

Sorry that was so long.

Re: Am I being a brat?

  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited February 2016
    I think it's reasonable to be upset with the way she handled it. I'd be upset to be blown off without a "sorry" for pre-arranged plans to a regular mall trip. Just because she's gone dress shopping before doesn't mean she should break plans without telling you or apologizing. 

    If you do talk to her about it, tell her your upset that you were blown off. Don't make it about the wedding stuff: that part you really shouldn't be upset about. As @MobKaz said, she's gone before, and isn't obligated to go again. (She isn't actually obligated to go even once, but it's nice that she could.)
    tigerlily6nerdwifeJen4948
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Let it go.  Was it annoying to be canceled on even though you had previous plans?  Sure, but it's not worth getting really upset over.  Try planning a get together that isn't centered around wedding stuff, if you would like all of your sisters to be together.    

    The only thing your BMs are required to do is show up on time, sober, in the right attire, and in good spirits on the day of the weddings.  Definitely adjusting some of your expectations can help this be a much more pleasant experience.  


    image
    cowgirl8238
  • Thanks guys! I guess it is upsetting me more about her blowing off plans with me in general since it's pretty out of character for her, no matter what it is. 

    I'll just let it go and try to plan something else in the future. 


  • levioosa said:
    dyerwise said:
    Thanks guys! I guess it is upsetting me more about her blowing off plans with me in general since it's pretty out of character for her, no matter what it is. 

    I'll just let it go and try to plan something else in the future. 


    The advice we always give when something is out of character for a loved one, is to call them up and see how they are doing, without any wedding related talk.  If it's really that out of character for her, I would give her a call and see how she is doing.  
    I agree, call her up and see what's going on with her life. Has she blown you off for any other things or just dress shopping? Maybe she really isn't into dress shopping and just doesn't know how to tell you. I know a concert sounds a lot more fun than a second round of dress shopping to me. She should have let you know rather than blow you off but maybe she was just trying not to hurt your feelings. Still see whats up, maybe something is going on for her but I agree with PP don't make it about missing the dress shopping make it about being being blown off and how that isn't like her. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I don't even see this as blowing you off really. She told you then Tuesday before the Saturday dress shopping. It's too bad that her plans changed, but it's not like she didn't show up or something. People can change their plans, especially if you scheduled this a month in advance. 

    OP I suggest adjusting your expectations a bit here. H went dress shopping once with you, she got along well with everyone and you had a great time. You're going dress shopping again and will possibly find your wedding dress, that's fantastic. Focus on this. Not all of your bridesmaids have to be best friends, or bond with each other. If you focus on the good things you do have, you're going to have a lot fewer hurt feelings. 

    lyndausviInLoveInQueens
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    I wouldn't say you are a brat.  Your feelings of being disappointed are justified.    

    However, people's plans change. She didn't just no show.  She gave you plenty of notice.

    FWIW -  I would rather go to a concert than dress shopping every day of the week.  I hate shopping, let alone shopping with other people.   Shopping with other people is torture to me.   

    I also do not get why everyone has to shop together. I only took my sister and mom.  More people = more opinions.  Sometimes it's a good thing to limit who goes with you.      

       My BMs didn't shop together for their dresses either.   Heck some of them didn't even met until the shower.  NBD.


    All of this.  Especially the bolded.

  • Thanks everyone for your insight! I appreciate it!

    After thinking about this more and more I think my feelings are a bit misdirected and are coming out over a dress shopping trip together when its deeper.

    My family dynamics are sort of messy and I always feel split between my Mom's side of the family (H.) and then my dad's side of the family (A & M). Without too much boring detail, I actually had never met A & M until about 10 years ago, because I was the result of an affair and my Dad moved away with his wife after he found out my mom was pregnant. My dad passed away when I was young and I never really knew or thought his daughters would want anything to do with me, but luckily, they did! And we have a very good relationship now.

    I've always really wanted to be able to have all 3 of my sisters together and have them feel comfortable with each other without me involved. Since these are my sisters, its more than just wanting my bridal party to all be best friends.

    Anyway, sorry for so much info!

    I was planning to call H today to see if just she and I could get together soon since it's been since December since we saw each other, but before I could, she texted me to tell me she has decided not to go to the concert and was looking forward to Saturday. (Turns out she was going to volunteer at the concert and was only doing it because her BF was and didn't really want to do it anyway?)

    I'm going to see if anyone wants to go wine tasting after the dress appointment to hopefully shift the focus on us all just having fun together.
    MesmrEwecharlotte989875short+sassy
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I understand why you feel the way you do.   

    You are the only common denominator between A,M and H.  It also seems like H is much younger than the rest of them.      Try not to force a relationship here.   H doesn't have to be best buddies with her half-sister's half-sisters.  As long as they get long cordially that is all you should expect.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    MesmrEweOliveOilsMomshort+sassy
  • dyerwise said:
    Thanks everyone for your insight! I appreciate it!

    After thinking about this more and more I think my feelings are a bit misdirected and are coming out over a dress shopping trip together when its deeper.

    My family dynamics are sort of messy and I always feel split between my Mom's side of the family (H.) and then my dad's side of the family (A & M). Without too much boring detail, I actually had never met A & M until about 10 years ago, because I was the result of an affair and my Dad moved away with his wife after he found out my mom was pregnant. My dad passed away when I was young and I never really knew or thought his daughters would want anything to do with me, but luckily, they did! And we have a very good relationship now.

    I've always really wanted to be able to have all 3 of my sisters together and have them feel comfortable with each other without me involved. Since these are my sisters, its more than just wanting my bridal party to all be best friends.

    Anyway, sorry for so much info!

    I was planning to call H today to see if just she and I could get together soon since it's been since December since we saw each other, but before I could, she texted me to tell me she has decided not to go to the concert and was looking forward to Saturday. (Turns out she was going to volunteer at the concert and was only doing it because her BF was and didn't really want to do it anyway?)

    I'm going to see if anyone wants to go wine tasting after the dress appointment to hopefully shift the focus on us all just having fun together.

    I'm glad to hear that you took the time to reflect upon both your words and the words of others.  Let me just say your situation kinda sucks...and your half sisters may never be friends with your other half sister.  Overall I think you are taking the right approach to all of this.  You can absolutely plan things along the way, just don't go overboard. :)
    dyerwise
  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'm late to the party, but I have to say this - kudos to you for taking a step back and doing some deeper reflection @dyerwise. I'm glad it's all working out. Happy planning, and stick around!

    dyerwiseJediElizabethSP29
  • You've got a good head on your shoulders OP!

    I can see being annoyed by H cancelling, but no one is required to go dress shopping with you, or partake in any pre-wedding events. 

    If you want to get your sisters together (which I get), I would separate it from your wedding. I think you'd have a better response, as said, no one is going to be as excited as you are over each detail, such as dress shopping. Your sisters are less likely to prioritize attending a dress shopping trip than a get together.

    I would suggest inviting them over to your home for a girls night, going out for lunch, going for afternoon tea. 
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