BM irritation!

climbingsingle

Lol at you being a laid back bride. You're dictating how your BMs wear their hair and what kind of footwear they must wear. That's the opposite of laid back. 

I decided to only have a MOH. I told her to wear whatever color she liked best, any style of dress. I told her to pick whatever shoes she wanted. And if she wanted to get her hair done, I would pay for it. And she could have her hair done however she liked - up, down, sideways. I did not care. 

InLoveInQueens

Knottie1449774681 said:

I feel bad for your families if you are this judgemental in real life. Or maybe ya'll think you're hot shit because you're on some forum hahahaha

Does this count for a bingo square or do they specifically need to say they feel bad for our husbands? 

spockforprez

Hey OP - wow, this thread went off the rails. I just want to clarify. You say in response posts that you've told your WP that they can wear whatever they like and they don't have to wear boots or a strapless dress. But in your first post, you said, "How do I let her know I want things a certain way...?" That makes it clear that you aren't okay with letting them wear whatever they want, as you would like strategies or tips for convincing them to do it your way. We can only go based off of what you tell us. That's why you're getting the response you're getting.

To answer some of your other questions - yes, it's common for bridesmaids to pick their own stuff. I think the most common option these days is to ask for a given color or color family, possibly adding fabric type and length, and then the BM picks the silhouette and neckline she prefers in a dress she can afford. Shoes, hair, and makeup should be a nonissue. Unfortunately they are often made an issue by brides who want a specific look that disregards the comfort of their friends.

For example, I had to wear silver shoes for a wedding. I have size 11, somewhat fat feet, and could not buy a silver shoe in person. I had to buy three pairs online to find one that I could wear comfortably, and it still didn't work quite right and I ended up being nervous and uncomfortable the day of because they were too tight. (I had to do a reading and took them off when I went behind the lectern, haha!) 

For my part, no, I have not refused to wear something, but I would if I needed to. For example, I would not wear heels because they are not safe for me to walk in. I would tell the bride that I could not wear the shoes, and why, and I would wear shoes I felt safe in. If the bride prioritized her vision for the wedding party over my safety, comfort, and our friendship, I'd probably drop out of the WP and reevaluate our friendship. No matter how "laidback" she thought she was. (Which is hilarious, by the way.) 

Step away from the internet, breathe, focus on the feeling of being married to your FH, and then try to realize the specific dress, shoes, and hairstyle won't matter. You will have your back to your BMs at the ceremony. Regardless, you will only have eyes for your FH. Good luck!

AddieCake

Dafuq?

OP, not even my usual prescription of  a cupcake or margarita is medicine enough for you right now. Please get laid. Stat. 

DarthV8r

. I can't stop laughing.  I thought this was going to be about a bowel movement irritation.  

Knottie1449774681

DarthV8r said:

. I can't stop laughing.  I thought this was going to be about a bowel movement irritation.  

Lmao I just thought of that!

Knottie1449774681

spockforprez said:

Hey OP - wow, this thread went off the rails. I just want to clarify. You say in response posts that you've told your WP that they can wear whatever they like and they don't have to wear boots or a strapless dress. But in your first post, you said, "How do I let her know I want things a certain way...?" That makes it clear that you aren't okay with letting them wear whatever they want, as you would like strategies or tips for convincing them to do it your way. We can only go based off of what you tell us. That's why you're getting the response you're getting.

To answer some of your other questions - yes, it's common for bridesmaids to pick their own stuff. I think the most common option these days is to ask for a given color or color family, possibly adding fabric type and length, and then the BM picks the silhouette and neckline she prefers in a dress she can afford. Shoes, hair, and makeup should be a nonissue. Unfortunately they are often made an issue by brides who want a specific look that disregards the comfort of their friends.

For example, I had to wear silver shoes for a wedding. I have size 11, somewhat fat feet, and could not buy a silver shoe in person. I had to buy three pairs online to find one that I could wear comfortably, and it still didn't work quite right and I ended up being nervous and uncomfortable the day of because they were too tight. (I had to do a reading and took them off when I went behind the lectern, haha!) 

For my part, no, I have not refused to wear something, but I would if I needed to. For example, I would not wear heels because they are not safe for me to walk in. I would tell the bride that I could not wear the shoes, and why, and I would wear shoes I felt safe in. If the bride prioritized her vision for the wedding party over my safety, comfort, and our friendship, I'd probably drop out of the WP and reevaluate our friendship. No matter how "laidback" she thought she was. (Which is hilarious, by the way.) 

Step away from the internet, breathe, focus on the feeling of being married to your FH, and then try to realize the specific dress, shoes, and hairstyle won't matter. You will have your back to your BMs at the ceremony. Regardless, you will only have eyes for your FH. Good luck!

Thank you! as I said before the whole thing is done and over with as I told them to do whatever they want, not my problem if they fall lol. I appreciate your advice

drunkenwitch

ScottishSarah

AddieCake said:

Dafuq?

OP, not even my usual prescription of  a cupcake or margarita is medicine enough for you right now. Please get laid. Stat. 

I always ask FI for a good shagging when I upset myself worrying about other women's footwear.  Good call Addie!

Moppet82

Serious question, how come a bride can pick out the BM dresses, but can't request a certain style of shoe? I get that if you want something specific, you should pay for it yourself.

Now before you make any assumptions about me and my question, I told my BMs to wear whatever shoes they want, do their hair and makeup to their liking, and they can pick out their own accessories.  I want them to feel confident and comfortable, but why is it that the bride can respectfully pick a dress (I let the girls pick any DB chiffon dress in my chosen color), but not ask for a cohesive look with the shoe?

flantastic

Moppet82 said:

Serious question, how come a bride can pick out the BM dresses, but can't request a certain style of shoe? I get that if you want something specific, you should pay for it yourself.

Now before you make any assumptions about me and my question, I told my BMs to wear whatever shoes they want, do their hair and makeup to their liking, and they can pick out their own accessories.  I want them to feel confident and comfortable, but why is it that the bride can respectfully pick a dress (I let the girls pick any DB chiffon dress in my chosen color), but not ask for a cohesive look with the shoe?

Because shoes are a lot harder. People will get or exacerbate actual health problems from wearing the wrong kind of shoe. Dresses don't generally pose that issue.

Also because that's about the point you start to look like a control freak. No one will notice whether the shoes form a "cohesive look."

[Deleted User]

flantastic said:

Moppet82 said:

Serious question, how come a bride can pick out the BM dresses, but can't request a certain style of shoe? I get that if you want something specific, you should pay for it yourself.

Now before you make any assumptions about me and my question, I told my BMs to wear whatever shoes they want, do their hair and makeup to their liking, and they can pick out their own accessories.  I want them to feel confident and comfortable, but why is it that the bride can respectfully pick a dress (I let the girls pick any DB chiffon dress in my chosen color), but not ask for a cohesive look with the shoe?

Because shoes are a lot harder. People will get or exacerbate actual health problems from wearing the wrong kind of shoe. Dresses don't generally pose that issue.

Also because that's about the point you start to look like a control freak. No one will notice whether the shoes form a "cohesive look."

This.  Also, if you're really going for a "cohesive look" it's going to look better if my six foot tall self is wearing flats while my 5 foot 2 friend is wearing her preferred 5 inch heels.  This way we're cohesively only 5 inches apart in height rather than 10 inches apart.  Just saying.  And if you want me WALKing down the aisle instead of  swaying/tripping down the aisle, you want me picking out my own shoes.

Moppet82

adk19 said:

flantastic said:

Moppet82 said:

Serious question, how come a bride can pick out the BM dresses, but can't request a certain style of shoe? I get that if you want something specific, you should pay for it yourself.

Now before you make any assumptions about me and my question, I told my BMs to wear whatever shoes they want, do their hair and makeup to their liking, and they can pick out their own accessories.  I want them to feel confident and comfortable, but why is it that the bride can respectfully pick a dress (I let the girls pick any DB chiffon dress in my chosen color), but not ask for a cohesive look with the shoe?

Because shoes are a lot harder. People will get or exacerbate actual health problems from wearing the wrong kind of shoe. Dresses don't generally pose that issue.

Also because that's about the point you start to look like a control freak. No one will notice whether the shoes form a "cohesive look."

This.  Also, if you're really going for a "cohesive look" it's going to look better if my six foot tall self is wearing flats while my 5 foot 2 friend is wearing her preferred 5 inch heels.  This way we're cohesively only 5 inches apart in height rather than 10 inches apart.  Just saying.  And if you want me WALKing down the aisle instead of  swaying/tripping down the aisle, you want me picking out my own shoes.

I never thought of it that way--thanks for letting me and the lurkers know.

 I told my girls to wear whatever, b/c a) I want them to be comfy, and b) I have had to buy some ugly shoes over the years (bridesmaid 7x) and I didn't want them to search and pay for shoes they wear once.

OurWildKingdom

adk19 said:

Go ahead and be irritated for a second.  Then go get a margarita, glass or wine, or whatever your drink of choice is.  Then tell your Bridesmaids that whatever they choose to wear on their feet is fine with you.  Let them be comfortable!!!

When my brother got married, one of my SIL's other bridesmaids was eight months pregnant and wore sneakers with her dress. No one really noticed (the dresses were floor length even on 5'10" me) and she was comfortable and happy.

[Deleted User]

I think it's best you let me choose what kind of shoes they will wear. You want them to be comfortable. Both of my bridesmaids are 5'10 so I understand if they want to wear flats. Whatever they choose, I'll be happy.

short+sassy

adk19 said:

 

This.  Also, if you're really going for a "cohesive look" it's going to look better if my six foot tall self is wearing flats while my 5 foot 2 friend is wearing her preferred 5 inch heels.  This way we're cohesively only 5 inches apart in height rather than 10 inches apart.  Just saying.  And if you want me WALKing down the aisle instead of  swaying/tripping down the aisle, you want me picking out my own shoes.

With all the other crazy stuff we sometimes see on these forums, I have yet to see a post where a bridezilla dictates different heel heights so her BMs look like a Rockette chorus line.  The same heel height yes, but not different heel heights so they are all about the same height.  I keep patiently waiting.

But in answer to the OP, it is not unusual at all to allow your WP to choose their own shoes/way to wear their hair/etc.  Nowadays, it isn't even unusual for a bride to allow her WP to choose their own dress with (maybe) only a color preference.

For me, if I am in a WP, I'll typically go along with whatever the bride wants.  But there are limits and things I am uncomfortable with.  For example, I won't wear a dress/skirt with a hemline much higher up than my knee.  If that is what a bride insisted on, she would either need to allow me a longer skirt or I would need to regretfully step down.

For your BM who didn't want to wear boots or a strapless dress, those were items she was uncomfortable with.  I get you are a bit irritated it does not quite match what you are picturing and can understand that.  But, from your subsequent posts, I can see that having her stand up there with you is more important than if her hair is up/down or what shoes she is wearing.  As it should be!

As an aside, I think you should just let your BMs wear whatever type of shoe they want.  Whether that is heels or boots.  They don't need to match types.  It won't look weird.  Nobody pays attention to the BMs shoes.  

JustineMarieD

Maybe I'm on the wrong board for this response ... but you have every right to tell your Aunt your preferences. It's your wedding after all. I mean, I'm not even picking dresses yet, but my bridesmaids have approached me and let me know that what ever I want them to wear they'll wear, that it's "my wedding". I want their opinions and I want them to be comfortable, but if I was going for a certain look I wouldn't want one to wear pants while the others wore a short dress (ironically, one would be wearing pants in my case cause I have a bridesman, but you get the point). It's your wedding. Have a heart to heart and let her know your concerns. I'm sure she'll understand. She can do (or has done) things her way for her wedding, so why can't you do the same.
Best of luck, and congrats! 
XO

JustineMarieD

And one last thing: As far as her wanting to wear heels to be "comfortable" ... who says that? Boots are way more comfy than being elevated and walking around in heels all day. Sounds like she wants to be "fancier" than what you had in mind... and that does change the feel and the "vision" of the wedding. Really, just have a heart to heart. Maybe let her know that you'll be uncomfortable, as the bride, wearing boots while they wear heels. 

ShesSoCold

Knottie1444438352 said:

And one last thing: As far as her wanting to wear heels to be "comfortable" ... who says that? Boots are way more comfy than being elevated and walking around in heels all day. Sounds like she wants to be "fancier" than what you had in mind... and that does change the feel and the "vision" of the wedding. Really, just have a heart to heart. Maybe let her know that you'll be uncomfortable, as the bride, wearing boots while they wear heels. 

How/why/WFT would it matter to one person what other people are wearing for shoes? How would one be "uncomfortable" wearing their preferred footwear while another person wears their preferred footwear? The hell?

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1444438352 said:

And one last thing: As far as her wanting to wear heels to be "comfortable" ... who says that? Boots are way more comfy than being elevated and walking around in heels all day. Sounds like she wants to be "fancier" than what you had in mind... and that does change the feel and the "vision" of the wedding. Really, just have a heart to heart. Maybe let her know that you'll be uncomfortable, as the bride, wearing boots while they wear heels. 

You have no idea how other people feel about their footwear. The OP said herself the only reason she wanted them all to wear boots was because she was worried about the grass, and her aunt decided like the adult that she is that she wasn't worried about that and preferred to wear heels. If people don't like boots and don't want to buy them for a wedding that they are already paying $$$'s to be in, why do you think it's anyones place to make them ? Why are bm's shoes so important?

Read the other bridesmaids threads on this board, it might just give you another perspective.

whoabethers

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I definitely have a certain look I want for my BMs. I mean, I'm not being a dick and I'm asking everyone for preferences, but I don't feel bad that I'm not giving them free reign. 

Don't let people make you feel bad. You're allowed to want things a certain way without being labeled a Bridezilla, and it sounds like you've been very reasonable. Not sure why you got your ass handed to you so fast at the beginning of the thread. CHEERS and good luck!

drunkenwitch

whoabethers said:

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I definitely have a certain look I want for my BMs. I mean, I'm not being a dick and I'm asking everyone for preferences, but I don't feel bad that I'm not giving them free reign. 

Don't let people make you feel bad. You're allowed to want things a certain way without being labeled a Bridezilla, and it sounds like you've been very reasonable. Not sure why you got your ass handed to you so fast at the beginning of the thread. CHEERS and good luck!

ShesSoCold

whoabethers said:

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I definitely have a certain look I want for my BMs. I mean, I'm not being a dick and I'm asking everyone for preferences, but I don't feel bad that I'm not giving them free reign. 

Don't let people make you feel bad. You're allowed to want things a certain way without being labeled a Bridezilla, and it sounds like you've been very reasonable. Not sure why you got your ass handed to you so fast at the beginning of the thread. CHEERS and good luck!

What type of shoes were the bridesmaids wearing at the last three weddings you attended?

whoabethers

ShesSoCold said:

whoabethers said:

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I definitely have a certain look I want for my BMs. I mean, I'm not being a dick and I'm asking everyone for preferences, but I don't feel bad that I'm not giving them free reign. 

Don't let people make you feel bad. You're allowed to want things a certain way without being labeled a Bridezilla, and it sounds like you've been very reasonable. Not sure why you got your ass handed to you so fast at the beginning of the thread. CHEERS and good luck!

What type of shoes were the bridesmaids wearing at the last three weddings you attended?

I have no idea - I don't care about shoes. Nobody looks at your feet. I'm talking about dresses.

ShesSoCold

whoabethers said:

ShesSoCold said:

whoabethers said:

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I definitely have a certain look I want for my BMs. I mean, I'm not being a dick and I'm asking everyone for preferences, but I don't feel bad that I'm not giving them free reign. 

Don't let people make you feel bad. You're allowed to want things a certain way without being labeled a Bridezilla, and it sounds like you've been very reasonable. Not sure why you got your ass handed to you so fast at the beginning of the thread. CHEERS and good luck!

What type of shoes were the bridesmaids wearing at the last three weddings you attended?

I have no idea - I don't care about shoes. Nobody looks at your feet. I'm talking about dresses.

Oh, then what the hell are you referring to? OP was bitching about shoes.

drunkenwitch

whoabethers said:

ShesSoCold said:

whoabethers said:

Apparently I'm in the minority here, but I definitely have a certain look I want for my BMs. I mean, I'm not being a dick and I'm asking everyone for preferences, but I don't feel bad that I'm not giving them free reign. 

Don't let people make you feel bad. You're allowed to want things a certain way without being labeled a Bridezilla, and it sounds like you've been very reasonable. Not sure why you got your ass handed to you so fast at the beginning of the thread. CHEERS and good luck!

What type of shoes were the bridesmaids wearing at the last three weddings you attended?

I have no idea - I don't care about shoes. Nobody looks at your feet. I'm talking about dresses.

The OP's post is about shoes.

whoabethers

The point is, OP asked if any of us had ever refused to wear something that the bride asked. Sure, as a bridesmaid multiple times, I've been given free reign on shoes, but never on the dress. And I was only given free reign on my own hair/makeup once, but I had to get my hair/makeup done in the other 3. Could I have refused? Sure. Would it be worth fighting about? Probably not.

whoabethers

She has DEFINITELY mentioned dresses and a bridesmaid refusing to wear strapless. I'm talking about that. I DON'T GIVE A HOT DAMN ABOUT SHOES.

ShesSoCold

whoabethers said:

She has DEFINITELY mentioned dresses and a bridesmaid refusing to wear strapless. I'm talking about that. I DON'T GIVE A HOT DAMN ABOUT SHOES.

Okay, calm down. I was just trying to clarify my own confusion.

Relax.

whoabethers

I am relaxed. I was trying to be funny because this is silly.