Inviting Former Bridesmaid

fyrchk

I think I am putting way too much thought into this, but want to make sure I'm not putting anyone in an awkward position.

One of my bridesmaids recently dropped out of my wedding. She just had a baby and explained that the cost was more than she expected with daycare, etc. She felt that she couldn't "give" me the time or cost involved with the wedding. As she had already bought her dress I explained that there were no other payments or time expected of her other than being at the wedding. But, I also understood her reluctance and thanked her for letting me know and not just ghosting. We had a great conversation and I'm glad she felt she could talk to me about it.

She then mentioned that I didn't have to invite her to the wedding since she had dropped out. (She had a bridesmaid drop out of her wedding due to a disagreement who she then didn't invite.) I told her not to be silly and that of course I would invite her, it's not like we aren't friends or have ill-will.

Then someone pointed out to me that maybe she didn't actually want an invitation to the wedding after dropping out. I hadn't thought of that and now I'm wondering if I handled it incorrectly by telling her I was still inviting her. My thought process is she can always decline if she really doesn't want to come. I don't want to come across as angry or vindictive if I don't invite her because I'm really not. But, I don't want to put her in an awkward position.

Any advice?

JeeGooDowster

If I was in your situation, I would be wondering the same thing.  The safest bet is to send her an invitation...if she really didn't one one, she can just decline.

LondonLisa

fyrchk said:

I think I am putting way too much thought into this, but want to make sure I'm not putting anyone in an awkward position.

One of my bridesmaids recently dropped out of my wedding. She just had a baby and explained that the cost was more than she expected with daycare, etc. She felt that she couldn't "give" me the time or cost involved with the wedding. As she had already bought her dress I explained that there were no other payments or time expected of her other than being at the wedding. But, I also understood her reluctance and thanked her for letting me know and not just ghosting. We had a great conversation and I'm glad she felt she could talk to me about it.

She then mentioned that I didn't have to invite her to the wedding since she had dropped out. (She had a bridesmaid drop out of her wedding due to a disagreement who she then didn't invite.) I told her not to be silly and that of course I would invite her, it's not like we aren't friends or have ill-will.

Then someone pointed out to me that maybe she didn't actually want an invitation to the wedding after dropping out. I hadn't thought of that and now I'm wondering if I handled it incorrectly by telling her I was still inviting her. My thought process is she can always decline if she really doesn't want to come. I don't want to come across as angry or vindictive if I don't invite her because I'm really not. But, I don't want to put her in an awkward position.

Any advice?

Your first instinct was right. She knows an invitation is not a summons. It would be hurtful to not be invited. 

I would also try to arrange a time for you to go over and bring wine and cheese (or tea and cake) and actually have a chat with her non-wedding related. I would also let her know that whilst you fully understand she doesn't feel up for it, if she changes her mind (even a minute before the ceremony) she is always welcome, especially as she has the dress. I know you are within your rights to have an adults only wedding, but I would also say that if she wanted to bring the baby, that would be fine too. I wouldn't want to beat a dead horse if she isn't up for it, but try to see if there is something you could do.

It sounds like your friend is having a rough time right now. 

geebee908

Maybe she wants her decision not to go to the wedding to be on you and not her. Then she can say when asked why she didn't go to your wedding that she wasn't invited. But that's just me speculating. 

I'd go ahead and send her the invite and she can work out whether she wants to attend for herself.

madamerwin

I would definitely still send an invite. She may have been trying to imply she did not want to come, but if that is how she really feels, she should have stated it directly instead of beating around the bush. Send the invite, and if she does not want to attend, it will be on her to decline.

Also, unless she had some friendship-ending blowout with her former BM, your friend really should have invited ex-BM to her wedding. It seems like a weird assumption to make that if someone drops out then they should automatically be uninvited. Maybe she just offered you the option of not inviting her because that's what she did to her friend.

Jen4948

geebee908 said:

Maybe she wants her decision not to go to the wedding to be on you and not her. Then she can say when asked why she didn't go to your wedding that she wasn't invited. But that's just me speculating. 

I'd go ahead and send her the invite and she can work out whether she wants to attend for herself.

This is exactly what I would do.

thefanciestbeckler

Meh, I think you are putting too much thought into it. It's not like she dropped out and y'all are on bad terms now. Inviting her isn't a summons to attend, so she doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to or doesn't have the money/time because of the new baby.

FWIW, I would probably say something like "you don't have to invite me since I dropped out" too just as a courtesy in case you really were hurt. It wouldn't mean that I didn't want to come, it would just mean that I didn't want you to feel awkward if you chose not to invite me.

[Deleted User]

LondonLisa said:

fyrchk said:

I think I am putting way too much thought into this, but want to make sure I'm not putting anyone in an awkward position.

One of my bridesmaids recently dropped out of my wedding. She just had a baby and explained that the cost was more than she expected with daycare, etc. She felt that she couldn't "give" me the time or cost involved with the wedding. As she had already bought her dress I explained that there were no other payments or time expected of her other than being at the wedding. But, I also understood her reluctance and thanked her for letting me know and not just ghosting. We had a great conversation and I'm glad she felt she could talk to me about it.

She then mentioned that I didn't have to invite her to the wedding since she had dropped out. (She had a bridesmaid drop out of her wedding due to a disagreement who she then didn't invite.) I told her not to be silly and that of course I would invite her, it's not like we aren't friends or have ill-will.

Then someone pointed out to me that maybe she didn't actually want an invitation to the wedding after dropping out. I hadn't thought of that and now I'm wondering if I handled it incorrectly by telling her I was still inviting her. My thought process is she can always decline if she really doesn't want to come. I don't want to come across as angry or vindictive if I don't invite her because I'm really not. But, I don't want to put her in an awkward position.

Any advice?

Your first instinct was right. She knows an invitation is not a summons. It would be hurtful to not be invited. 

I would also try to arrange a time for you to go over and bring wine and cheese (or tea and cake) and actually have a chat with her non-wedding related. I would also let her know that whilst you fully understand she doesn't feel up for it, if she changes her mind (even a minute before the ceremony) she is always welcome, especially as she has the dress. I know you are within your rights to have an adults only wedding, but I would also say that if she wanted to bring the baby, that would be fine too. I wouldn't want to beat a dead horse if she isn't up for it, but try to see if there is something you could do.

It sounds like your friend is having a rough time right now. 

I would absolutely do the bolded above.  In fact, I would go as far as to say that as far as you're concerned she is still your bridesmaid because she is one of your closest friends.  You don't care if she's standing up next to you in the bridesmaid dress, if she is sitting in the pews as a guest, or if she is sitting at home nursing her child, she is still your bridesmaid in your eyes.  Let her know that her decision has no bearing on your relationship.

levioosa

Invite her and she can accept or decline as any other guest can.  

horriblegb

I see no reason not to invite her if you still would like her there and there is no bad blood

flantastic

levioosa said:

Invite her and she can accept or decline as any other guest can.  

This. There's no reason to read into her intentions at all, like whoever was suggesting. If an invite would actually make her feel more pressure to attend, she can sort through those feelings like an adult and either cave to that imagined pressure and accept, or decline like is always her prerogative. None of that is on you.

Ditto PPs in that you should just talk to her as a friend and see how things are going - no need to bring wedding, invites, etc. into it.

fyrchk

Thanks everyone. I've actually always tried to steer the conversation to non-wedding things because I get sick of talking about it. But I will definitely reach out to her. I had asked if I could come see the baby but didn't get a definite answer, I will try again!

[Deleted User]

fyrchk said:

Thanks everyone. I've actually always tried to steer the conversation to non-wedding things because I get sick of talking about it. But I will definitely reach out to her. I had asked if I could come see the baby but didn't get a definite answer, I will try again!

Depending on how recently she had the kid, she might not be ready for guests.  And if she does invite you over, plan to stay no more than an hour, and don't plan on holding the child for more than a few minutes.  I mean, go ahead an offer, but mom and baby might be super attached still at this point.  "Friend, can I bring over a couple of pizzas? We'll snack on one while I meet your kid, and you can have the other for dinner or give it to your husband.  I have this important place to be at two hours after I see you, so it won't be a long visit, but I do want to see you."

fyrchk

Definitely a quick visit. I had planned to take a casserole or something over (not an actual casserole as I suck at those, but a meal). I did the same thing after her first kiddo. I'm the type who doesn't call people who just got out of the hospital or are sick, etc., because you never know when they are sleeping or busy. (Having spent much of two years in and out of the hospital, I used to go crazy when someone would call just as I was finally able to sleep.)

I texted her to see if she needed anything from the store and to ask if I could drop off dinner one night. We'll see what she says.

downtondiva

You can't be sure why she said what she said about your not having to invite her, or if she even really meant it. But she's still your friend, so send her an invitation regardless. If she can't or doesn't want to go, that's her decision.  

AddieCake

She is your friend, and you want her there if she wants to and can be there. Send her an invitation.