Paying for our wedding

RosesAreRed13

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

banana468

I honestly think it depends on the relationship you have.   And because you don't know if you should ask I think the answer is you don't.

You *can* say, "Dad a cigar bar sounds great but it's not in the budget."   Then if he offers anything you can work on it together.

Until you have the money, I would plan as if you aren't getting it.   That means that until Dad signs the check for the cigar bar, you don't give a deposit.  

holyguacamole79

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

First off, congrats on your recent engagement!  

Please don't ask your dad about contributing financially.  If he offers - great.  If not - oh well.  

When he brings up things like the cigar bar, etc ....  simply "bean dip".  That's an expression around here where you acknowledge the idea / comment and change the topic.

"Hey Jane - I was thinking a cigar bar at the wedding would be so cool."
"We'll think about it, Dad.  Hey, have you tried the bean dip?"  (or, "Can you believe X sports team is doing so well?"  or "Have you seen Zoolander 2 yet?  I'm totally working on my Blue steel face.")

whoabethers

banana468 said:

I honestly think it depends on the relationship you have.   And because you don't know if you should ask I think the answer is you don't.

You *can* say, "Dad a cigar bar sounds great but it's not in the budget."   Then if he offers anything you can work on it together.

Until you have the money, I would plan as if you aren't getting it.   That means that until Dad signs the check for the cigar bar, you don't give a deposit.  

Exactly this. Next time he has ideas or suggestions, tell him that it's just not in the budget or that you can't afford it. That's his opportunity to let you know one way or the other if he'll be contributing. If he doesn't offer anything, hopefully he stops giving suggestions!

levioosa

banana468 said:

I honestly think it depends on the relationship you have.   And because you don't know if you should ask I think the answer is you don't.

You *can* say, "Dad a cigar bar sounds great but it's not in the budget."   Then if he offers anything you can work on it together.

Until you have the money, I would plan as if you aren't getting it.   That means that until Dad signs the check for the cigar bar, you don't give a deposit.  

I like this.  I don't think you should ask him directly if he is contributing.  But if you phrase one of his ideas in that way, he has the opportunity to offer.  If he doesn't offer, then nix the cigar bar (or whatever idea he has) and move on as planned.  

I definitely thought this was going to be a post about making parents pay for the wedding.  I am pleasantly surprised.  

themosthappy91

banana468 said:

I honestly think it depends on the relationship you have.   And because you don't know if you should ask I think the answer is you don't.

You *can* say, "Dad a cigar bar sounds great but it's not in the budget."   Then if he offers anything you can work on it together.

Until you have the money, I would plan as if you aren't getting it.   That means that until Dad signs the check for the cigar bar, you don't give a deposit.  

I like this advice too! A lot of people will say "don't ever ask a parent anything about contributing financially"- which is honestly the safest course of action, no question- but I do think there really is a know-your-relationships component. I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue, but if he's talking up a bunch of wedding ideas I don't see anything wrong with saying "Haha, so are you offering to buy us that?" in a light-hearted way (if you have a joke-y, amicable type of relationship) and feel out his response.

I actually said that very thing to my MIL during our wedding planning, but in my case it was less joke-y and more passive aggressive, lol. She was having a fit about us not inviting about 30 additional distant family members and friends of hers and finally I just said "So, are you offering to pay for them? Just let me know because we'll need to change the venue pretty soon if we're adding that many people." She was less than happy with that response, but it stopped her talking about it :P. 

downtondiva

Don't ask. Let him make the offer if he wants. I like @banana468's suggestion of how to handle his ideas if he keeps bringing them up.

Kudos to you and your FI on planning a wedding you can afford and not expecting anyone to do this for you. Congrats on your engagement! 

CMGragain

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am wondering why it is so important to you to have a big wedding like this.  I understand postponing getting married because of life issues like school, military, etc., but you didn't mention this in your post.
Remember, a wedding is a couple who wants to get married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  Lots of people have lovely weddings without having to save for two and a half years to pay for it.
If this is really what you want to do, that is your choice.  Just be aware that there are others.
I agree with the other posters about not asking for money.

levioosa

CMGragain said:

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am wondering why it is so important to you to have a big wedding like this.  I understand postponing getting married because of life issues like school, military, etc., but you didn't mention this in your post.
Remember, a wedding is a couple who wants to get married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  Lots of people have lovely weddings without having to save for two and a half years to pay for it.
If this is really what you want to do, that is your choice.  Just be aware that there are others.
I agree with the other posters about not asking for money.

Really?  You can't be serious.  OP is going about this as a mature adult.  There is nothing wrong with having a "big" or "fancy" wedding.  Just because you prefer smaller weddings does not mean it's the only way things can be done.  OP didn't ask anyone else to pay for it, she set a date in order to save and pay within her means.  Judging by the thought that went into this, she also considered other options. Why does it matter to you why she is having the wedding this way?  Her complaint was about additional add-ons to the wedding she already has planned, not that her family is pressuring her to have it altogether.  

ScottishSarah

Easy peasy, "Daddy, a cigar bar sure sounds fun, but we can't afford it however" if daddy wants it he knows what to do.  

ScottishSarah

CMGragain said:

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am wondering why it is so important to you to have a big wedding like this.  I understand postponing getting married because of life issues like school, military, etc., but you didn't mention this in your post.
Remember, a wedding is a couple who wants to get married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  Lots of people have lovely weddings without having to save for two and a half years to pay for it.

Well I would agree that you don't have to save for 2.5 years to have a lovely wedding, but this is exactly what FI and I are doing.  We have no kids or school loans to worry about and we want the big fancy wedding without having to do without the aspects that are important to us.  All our close friends and family there, lots of great food and drinks and a awesome venue.  This is our choice so why wouldn't we save for over 2 years to get what we want?  Our next savings fund is for travelling around South America and Asia, IMO there is nothing wrong with that either.

it isn't just family that 'pressure' a couple into a big fancy wedding, maybe sometimes it's what the couple wants? 

MyNameIsNot

levioosa said:

CMGragain said:

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am wondering why it is so important to you to have a big wedding like this.  I understand postponing getting married because of life issues like school, military, etc., but you didn't mention this in your post.
Remember, a wedding is a couple who wants to get married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  Lots of people have lovely weddings without having to save for two and a half years to pay for it.
If this is really what you want to do, that is your choice.  Just be aware that there are others.
I agree with the other posters about not asking for money.

Really?  You can't be serious.  OP is going about this as a mature adult.  There is nothing wrong with having a "big" or "fancy" wedding.  Just because you prefer smaller weddings does not mean it's the only way things can be done.  OP didn't ask anyone else to pay for it, she set a date in order to save and pay within her means.  Judging by the thought that went into this, she also considered other options. Why does it matter to you why she is having the wedding this way?  Her complaint was about additional add-ons to the wedding she already has planned, not that her family is pressuring her to have it altogether.  

Exactly! If OP and her FI want a big wedding and they're willing to wait and save, who are you to tell them to do something smaller?

H and I have a separate account where we are saving a little at a time to take an extravagant trip. Date not set yet, but it will probably be around 2019. By this logic, we should just cancel the trip and go to Tybee this summer.  (Not knocking Tybee, it's just close.) Adults get to set their own priorities. They can spend their own money how they like. 

lizardbit27

ScottishSarah said:

CMGragain said:

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am wondering why it is so important to you to have a big wedding like this.  I understand postponing getting married because of life issues like school, military, etc., but you didn't mention this in your post.
Remember, a wedding is a couple who wants to get married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  Lots of people have lovely weddings without having to save for two and a half years to pay for it.

Well I would agree that you don't have to save for 2.5 years to have a lovely wedding, but this is exactly what FI and I are doing.  We have no kids or school loans to worry about and we want the big fancy wedding without having to do without the aspects that are important to us.  All our close friends and family there, lots of great food and drinks and a awesome venue.  This is our choice so why wouldn't we save for over 2 years to get what we want?  Our next savings fund is for travelling around South America and Asia, IMO there is nothing wrong with that either.

it isn't just family that 'pressure' a couple into a big fancy wedding, maybe sometimes it's what the couple wants? 

Agreed with ScottishSarah, and the OP. My fiance and I set a wedding date for 3 years after we got engaged. Yes it's a longer engagement but we did it to be able to save money and pay for the entire thing ourselves, as well as allow me to finish school. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It is a mature decision so that the couple can have the wedding they want. Yes, we could have a court house wedding and have it be much cheaper, but that isn't want we want. At the same time you do not know the OP's circumstances, how much they are putting away monthly, or even what their budget is. 

As far as the OP's question:
I'm going to go against the grain here - and probably get flamed for it - but we asked our respective parents if they had plans to contribute. We specified that we were in no way actually asking for money and didn't really care either way, but we needed to know if they had plans to contribute so we could roughly account for it in our budget. I say roughly because it didn't matter until we get the money anyways. FI's mom said she wanted to pay for half the wedding and we said no. So she offered to pay part of the honeymoon as our wedding gift. 

[Deleted User]

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I'm going to respond to something you didn't ask about.  I'm going to tell you to be careful about the amount mom said she'd contribute.  What if something happens in HER life and it turns out she won't be able to contribute the portion you put into your budget?  Don't count on the money until it's in your bank account.  I know she probably would just stick you with an unexpected bill, but what if her car breaks down, she needs to buy a new one, and she doesn't have the money she promised?  Just be careful.

Oh, and happy engagement!!!

RosesAreRed13

She already gave us her contribution.  Good tip though.  Thank you

peachy13

OP -- I also had a long engagement due to me and DH paying for most of the wedding ourselves. Best advice I can give you is to open up a joint savings account now and start putting monthly deposits in it. It adds up.

My FIL was very upfront with us at the beginning and told us he would give us X amount of money to put towards the wedding (and he also requested we invite a few of his buddies). My mother was a little bit more challenging. She, like your father, had all these ideas and visions for the wedding but wasn't talking money. She and I never discuss finances so it's awkward. We had to finally have a conversation when she gave me a list of 50 friends she wanted to invite to the wedding. I told her we'd be happy to invite them but that 50 extra guests weren't in our budget so she would have to pay for them if she wanted them there. She agreed and we figured out how much they would cost before inviting them, they said yes and had fun, mom paid me, all was good. If the subject comes up again about the cigar bar or anything else, I would suggest talking to your dad and be clear with him: "we weren't planning to do that but we can if you want to pay?"

SP29

Knottie1446491565 said:

She already gave us her contribution.  Good tip though.  Thank you

This is great. We always tell posters never to count on money until it is your hands. There are many stories on here about parents offering to contribute and then backing out. Fortunately for you, it is secure. 

As for your dad, I would not directly ask him, but when he brings up an idea, as PPs said, let him know it's not in the budget. Then he can make an offer if he wants to.

[Deleted User]

banana468 said:

I honestly think it depends on the relationship you have.   And because you don't know if you should ask I think the answer is you don't.

You *can* say, "Dad a cigar bar sounds great but it's not in the budget."   Then if he offers anything you can work on it together.

Until you have the money, I would plan as if you aren't getting it.   That means that until Dad signs the check for the cigar bar, you don't give a deposit.  

I agree 100% with this reply.

CMGragain

CMGragain said:

Knottie1446491565 said:

My FI and I got engaged a few months ago and decided to pay for our own wedding for a few reasons.  One being we think it's only appropriate that we pay since it is our wedding and not an obligation of any one of our parents.  That being said, we set a date 2 1/2 years away in order to give us plenty of time to save.  My parents are divorced and my mom did let us know that she is going to contribute X amount of money because she wants to.  I'm so thankful for that!!  We incorporated her amount into our budget and feel comfortable knowing we will get to our goal.  At the same time, we do worry about having a good cushion for surprise expenses, etc.  And although not ideal, we know we have a fall back plan of our credit cards ( please do not worry that we will enter our marriage in debt- I'm talking about this as an emergency, not a form of expected payment)  
So throughout the planning process, my dad has been sharing ideas of things we should have at the wedding (ex. A cigar bar) and different friends he has connections with (a florist) but has not mentioned if he is actually contributing anything.  My mom thinks I should simply ask my dad if he was planning on contributing anything.  I'm torn because me and my FI are perfectly fine with paying for everything ourselves and have set a budget plan.  At the same time, I feel like it would be nice to know if my dad was planning on helping or not.  That would help us stop worrying about anything we may have totally forgotten about in our budget (which I don't believe we did, but hey, anything is possible).  

What do you guys think about this? Should I let it be or should I simply ask him? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I am wondering why it is so important to you to have a big wedding like this.  I understand postponing getting married because of life issues like school, military, etc., but you didn't mention this in your post.
Remember, a wedding is a couple who wants to get married, a license, an officiant, and legal witnesses.  Lots of people have lovely weddings without having to save for two and a half years to pay for it.
If this is really what you want to do, that is your choice.  Just be aware that there are others.
I agree with the other posters about not asking for money.

I just got back to this.  I don't think some of you really read all of my post to the OP.

MnHGirl

My husband and I also had a lengthy engagement since we were paying for everything.

My dad had not offered to contribute for the wedding. He was being persistent about us adding to the guest list (on the list we already had his family, neighbors, and close friends but there was a few more he wanted) so I just told him that our budget only allowed X number and if he wanted more added it was  X amount per person (our venue had adequate space to allow for more). my dad did chip in to help cover the extra guests.