How do you deal with an intimidating mother of the bride?

[Deleted User]

I am getting married in April!!! Its so close I'm slightly going crazy trying to make timelines, checklists, and making sure everything is how I want it. My mother though is driving me nuts. 
Little back story. My mom was never really a mom. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and my mom was a workaholic. My grandmother and my dad mostly raised me. Of course, my mom was home but she was never REALLY home. I am the oldest of three girls and of course my younger sister is the baby. So i really never got attention from my mom, which is fine.
Now I am the first to get married and I get the feeling that my mom is trying to make my wedding into her wedding. Normally she wouldn't go out of her way to call me, ask how I'm doing, plan visits, or anything. I usually have to be the one to contact her, say hi, etc. Since I've been engaged, my mom has come and gone with her wanting to help with plans. Some weeks she's really into it, others she could care less. Anytime I ask for an opinion on something I get either "that's cute" or "that's dumb." But for some reason when she has ideas for my wedding, even it its extremely close to what I was asking/showing her, it is the best idea in the world. 
How do you deal with your crazy mother when your the bride?
Also, my dad has remarried and my step-mom is amazing. She is not my mom but I have definitely seen her a mother figure. She has not tried to push her way into the mother of the bride role but has been there for questions, concerns, or for me to just chat with. My mom has made it appoint that she feels my step-mom should not be identified as a mother figure. My mom is also remarried and my step-dad is nice but I don't view him like I do my dad. Although her feelings for my step-mom are to not involved her, she feels that my step-dad should most certainly be identified as a father figure. She assumed I would do a father daughter dance with both my dad and my step-dad, without even confronting me. She has just been telling people and trying to plan it. She elected for him to be an usher in our wedding, without our consent.
It's impossible to just talk to her. My mom is extremely intimidating. What would you do?

charlotte989875

Knotbride0416 said:

I am getting married in April!!! Its so close I'm slightly going crazy trying to make timelines, checklists, and making sure everything is how I want it. My mother though is driving me nuts. 
Little back story. My mom was never really a mom. My parents were divorced when I was 5 and my mom was a workaholic. My grandmother and my dad mostly raised me. Of course, my mom was home but she was never REALLY home. I am the oldest of three girls and of course my younger sister is the baby. So i really never got attention from my mom, which is fine.
Now I am the first to get married and I get the feeling that my mom is trying to make my wedding into her wedding. Normally she wouldn't go out of her way to call me, ask how I'm doing, plan visits, or anything. I usually have to be the one to contact her, say hi, etc. Since I've been engaged, my mom has come and gone with her wanting to help with plans. Some weeks she's really into it, others she could care less. Anytime I ask for an opinion on something I get either "that's cute" or "that's dumb." But for some reason when she has ideas for my wedding, even it its extremely close to what I was asking/showing her, it is the best idea in the world. 
How do you deal with your crazy mother when your the bride?
Also, my dad has remarried and my step-mom is amazing. She is not my mom but I have definitely seen her a mother figure. She has not tried to push her way into the mother of the bride role but has been there for questions, concerns, or for me to just chat with. My mom has made it appoint that she feels my step-mom should not be identified as a mother figure. My mom is also remarried and my step-dad is nice but I don't view him like I do my dad. Although her feelings for my step-mom are to not involved her, she feels that my step-dad should most certainly be identified as a father figure. She assumed I would do a father daughter dance with both my dad and my step-dad, without even confronting me. She has just been telling people and trying to plan it. She elected for him to be an usher in our wedding, without our consent.
It's impossible to just talk to her. My mom is extremely intimidating. What would you do?

So, is your mother paying, or helping pay for your wedding? If not, I recommend that you stop talking to her about your plans if her responses are making you upset. If she is paying, unfortunately she does get a say in what her money is spent on. If you're not already paying for everything yourselves, I would do that pronto. To the first bolded, you're asking her for her opinion and she's giving it; you don't seem to like her response (I wouldn't either if she said something I like is "dumb"), so stop asking her. If she brings it up, change the subject ("bean dip" her as we like to say).  To the second and third bolded statements, this is not up to her. How you define your relationships with your step-parents is up to you, not up to her. She cannot decide how you interact with your family.

Finally to the last bolded, one of the most important things I learned during wedding planning was to set boundaries with my mother and to stand up for decisions my now-H and I were making. I don't have a great relationship with my mother either, she can be very controlling and emotionally manipulative. However, I learned I cannot control what she says or does, but I can control how I react to her. I recommend making decisions with your FI, and standing by them. If she doesn't like it, or if she tries to make decisions for you, calmly, politely tell her that its not happening and that your decision is final. If she overreacts tell her that you're not going to engage in an argument and stick to it. This can be a hard thing to do, but I promise the more you set boundaries with her now, the easier it gets. 

[Deleted User]

We are paying for the wedding completely on our own. My mom had no financial input in anything. Your advice on setting boundaries is great! Its more or less actually doing it that is the hard part.

Lala9414

agreed with pp. boundaries are going to be your friend, my mom is the same way in a sense that she is very emotionally manipulating but other than that i *now* have a great relationship with her. i know saying no to your mom is going to be hard at first but once you start standing up for yourself and holding your own it gets so much easier. she doesn't to like it but she WILL end up having to deal with it. i also agree that she cannot dictate if your step mom or step dad have roles in your wedding. that is completely up to you and just hold your ground and be prepared for her to throw a tantrum when you tell her you aren't doing a father daughter dance with your step dad (unless you want to). but like pp said, bean dip the shit out of every wedding convo that pops up and don't go to her with any of the planning details unless she is paying. but i really hope that she is not for your sake, controlling mothers are very hard to deal with. im sorry you have to deal with it but i hope the rest of your wedding planning goes smooth! and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

STARMOON44

Grow up? Say no. Mean it. This is the work of becoming an adult. It's not easy, there is no short cut, you just have to do it. 

climbingsingle

Stop discussing any wedding details with your mother. It's really that simple. If she brings up the wedding, change the subject. She's not paying, so she gets no say in any decisions. 

Going forward, just stand up to your mom. If she says something that bothers you, tell her. Like Starmoon said, this is part of growing up, being an adult, learning how to deal with situations like this. Your mom is not going to change. It's best to figure out how to deal with her that leaves you the least amount of heartache and/or stress. 

[Deleted User]

 

climbingsingle

Knotbride0416 said:

I am 26 and have a child. I know how to act like an adult. I have always been the one to just let my mom talk because of fear for hurting her feelings or ruining our relationship more. I would rather have hurt feelings than hurt someone else's. Just this one time though, I would like my own feelings to be above others. So it is in no way a need for me to grow up. I know how to be a big girl.

Just because you're 26 and have a child doesn't mean you know how to handle situations properly. It also doesn't automatically make you an adult. I know people my age in their mid 30s that don't seem to understand adulting. 

You're asking for advice on how to deal with your mother. You said she is intimidating and that you can't talk to her. I gave you advice. You're welcome. 

glasgowtolondon

I'm guessing this is the chick that just posted a 'my bridesmaid is awful you guys!' and deleted straight away. What a loss.