How much is TOO much?

whoabethers

Hey, it's me again! So... FI and I are getting married in my home town in Ohio, but we live in California. FI's 2 female cousins are throwing us an engagement party here in California next weekend - which is pretty much of all our friends and his family that will be invited to the actual wedding.

That said, my FMIL wants to throw us a big west coast reception AFTER the Ohio wedding. And to be honest, we don't have any other people that we would be inviting to that reception that won't already be traveling across the country for the wedding AND going to the engagement party next weekend. So it will be all the same people for ANOTHER reception, and I just feel like they're going to get sick of us - hell, I'll be sick of myself by then!!

From the perspective of guests, is a west coast reception just overkill? I think it is, but FMIL really wants to do it. FI's 2 cousins gave her dibs on doing the engagement party if she wanted to host a party, but she said no because she wanted another reception. And she keeps saying that she really wants to do a money tree so we can get money (which I already don't like....) so in my eyes, the party is JUST for presents. 

I guess I just need advice on what you guys think is normal. I don't want to hurt FMIL's feelings by not being completely on board with a west coast reception, but I also don't want all of these people who are already paying to travel across the country for our wedding to feel like we're just gift-grabbing now. FI already told her that we don't have any people to invite other than those who ARE coming to the wedding, but then she mentioned inviting other people that aren't coming to the wedding that neither of us even know, which also feels slightly weird to me? I don't know. Maybe this is normal for out-of-town weddings. I'm new to this.

HELP! 

banana468

In a situation like this, could you play it by ear?   In some cases those parties work well when you know that many guests aren't going to make it.   So the 2nd reception for the guests invited to the wedding is nice because they get to see the B&G.   This has worked nicely in DH's family when the B&G are a long flight away and the family knows that we won't all make it.

BUT, I'd be clear about what is and isn't cool with you.   I was very clear that I wanted nothing resembling a money request at any wedding related event and the hostesses were happy to comply.

If you wind up with a high turn out, why not say, "FMIL, what about just throwing a party and we'll promise to attend?" 

CMGragain

You cannot have two wedding receptions, so tell your mother not to expect any gifts at her party to celebrate your marriage/return from your honeymoon.  Money trees are rude.

She can throw you a big welcome home party, or she can call it a celebration party, but it is not a wedding reception.  You only get one of those, and it happens after your ceremony on your wedding day, to thank your guests for coming.

Ms. Sarah Future Mother-in-law

requests the pleasure of your company

to celebrate the recent marriage of

Ms. Bride's Full Name

to her son

Groom's first middle

Day, date (etc.)




Since this party is not a part of your wedding, your FMIL can invite anyone she wishes, including people who were not invited to your wedding.

SP29

Agree with the above.

One should never make mention of gifts, for any party, ever, as they are never required.

A money tree would be rude (always rude to ask for money).

This is not your wedding reception- that has already happened.

Your FMIL is free to throw a party anytime she wants, and invite whomever she wants. Likewise, you and your FI are free to accept/attend or decline said party.

I would steer FMIL away from the "wedding-ness" of it, "FMIL, we are not comfortable asking guests who have already attended our wedding to attend another celebration, nor would we feel comfortable asking for any sort of gifts or money. However, if you would like to host a party, with your own guest list, we would be happy to attend". 

While it's fine to host a party, and you can accept a "celebration of marriage" party, I would be VERY clear about what you are and are not comfortable with. If you really aren't comfortable with something, you can absolutely decline the offer of a party hosted in your honour (FMIL can always host a party just because, even if you and FI are in attendance). 

These celebrations work best for those guests who can't attend an OOT wedding. I would generally agree that if the west coast group is attending your Ohio wedding, it is a bit overkill. However, unless I had other plans, I wouldn't turn down an invitation to a local party with my friends and family! 

mntravelingmama

Why does she want this "second reception" and money tree?  It just doesn't make sense if most of these guests are traveling to your wedding.  I would say no.

whoabethers

Believe me, I am well aware that money trees are rude. I've already had to shoot down some of her ideas as a "HELL NO" (but in nicer words.) She wanted us to do a Honeyfund, and she wanted us to do one of those dances where you have to pay to dance with the bride and groom. FI and I have tried to steer her away from this reception idea, but she is not catching on. She insists that her present to us is throwing us a second reception. Agreed that there really can't (and shouldn't) be a 2nd reception, but she is definitely a persistent lady with very strong ideas and opinions....

I guess a good compromise is telling her to just throw a celebration party like ya'll suggested and nix any ideas she has about presents, but I don't think she'll take it well, lol. I'll make FI have that conversation.

SP29

whoabethers said:

Believe me, I am well aware that money trees are rude. I've already had to shoot down some of her ideas as a "HELL NO" (but in nicer words.) She wanted us to do a Honeyfund, and she wanted us to do one of those dances where you have to pay to dance with the bride and groom. FI and I have tried to steer her away from this reception idea, but she is not catching on. She insists that her present to us is throwing us a second reception. Agreed that there really can't (and shouldn't) be a 2nd reception, but she is definitely a persistent lady with very strong ideas and opinions....

I guess a good compromise is telling her to just throw a celebration party like ya'll suggested and nix any ideas she has about presents, but I don't think she'll take it well, lol. I'll make FI have that conversation.

Yes, FI should be talking to his mom about this, not just you. It should come from him as "we have decided...".