Best Man Bust and Guest List Question

Knottie1454432660

I have two separate things I need advice on. 

1. My FI just asked his oldest and best friend to be his best man...and he said NO! Something we were not expecting at all!! My FI is crushed and doesn't know what to do now. I don't know how to console him, I want to kick his bestie! What a butthead! (His excuse was he was busy with work and already had to be a best man for someone else...)

2. I am just starting with my guest list and know my mom and his mom are going to want to add a ton of people to the list that I 'know' but don't really talk to anymore. Tactful way of dealing with this. I would prefer a small wedding. 

poodledoodleooo

I don't have any advice for situation 1, but for situation 2... are either of your parents helping out financially? Because if not, I would just make the guest list yourselves and then show it to your parents with "this is who we are inviting." If they start throwing out people they want to invite, you can say, "oh, sorry we thought about inviting Bessie, but she's not on the list."

If they're contributing financially, however, then you'll have to take their guests into consideration.

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1454432660 said:

I have two separate things I need advice on. 

1. My FI just asked his oldest and best friend to be his best man...and he said NO! Something we were not expecting at all!! My FI is crushed and doesn't know what to do now. I don't know how to console him, I want to kick his bestie! What a butthead! (His excuse was he was busy with work and already had to be a best man for someone else...)

2. I am just starting with my guest list and know my mom and his mom are going to want to add a ton of people to the list that I 'know' but don't really talk to anymore. Tactful way of dealing with this. I would prefer a small wedding. 

1.  He's not a butthead at all.  Being in a wedding party can be a huge financial drain and a pain in the ass.  And honestly a lot of people really don't like to do it, but do so out of obligation.  You and  your FI should accept his explanation- its not an excuse-gracefully and then move on.

2.  If you are paying for your wedding outright, then make up your guest list and present it to your parents as a courtesy.  When they start to turn your wedding into a family reunion politely say, "Mom, I totally get that you'd love to invite your 3rd cousin twice removed, but we are limiting our wedding to our closest family and friends, and we want to keep it small."

If the "But we'll pay for so and so rando you've never met" litany starts, you can say, "I really appreciate that, Mom.  But we are going to limit the wedding to our closest family and friends only.  Thanks for the offer, but perhaps you can host your own party at a later date."  Then bean dip the hell out of them.

You may even have to be very firm, "I'm sorry Mom, but we have already discussed this and the guestlist is closed.  We do not wish to invite anyone that isn't already on the list, and we don't intend on accepting any money to increase the guestlist.  I really appreciate what you are trying to do, but you can always host your own even if you wish to get together with everyone."

crowsgirl15

1. Could he go back to his best friend and explain to him that all he's expecting from him is to stand next to him on his big day, and that there's no other expectations of him before the wedding? Perhaps he's used to having "Best Man" be more of a taxing experience, and having to throw a huge bachelor party, and he's overwhelmed by the idea of doing it for two people at once. Maybe if your FI could sit him down and explain his expectations, he'd be more willing to participate.

2. Like PP said, if your parents are contributing, they get a say in the guest list. If not, you can just bean dip them.

kimmiinthemitten

1.  "I understand, but hope you can still attend.  I look forward to celebrating with you."

2.  Are they paying?  If so, they have a say.  If not but you still want to extend an olive branch you can give them each x amount of people to include (even numbers so that SO's are included in the count).

themosthappy91

Knottie1454432660 said:

I have two separate things I need advice on. 

1. My FI just asked his oldest and best friend to be his best man...and he said NO! Something we were not expecting at all!! My FI is crushed and doesn't know what to do now. I don't know how to console him, I want to kick his bestie! What a butthead! (His excuse was he was busy with work and already had to be a best man for someone else...)

2. I am just starting with my guest list and know my mom and his mom are going to want to add a ton of people to the list that I 'know' but don't really talk to anymore. Tactful way of dealing with this. I would prefer a small wedding. 

I'm sorry OP, that stinks . I would be really sad if one of my best friends had said no to being in my bridal party, and it's completely normal for your FI to feel down about it. There's not much he can do- it's probably against etiquette to pursue it any further but honestly if it were me I would reach out one more time and just make it clear that he doesn't have any expectations of him other than standing up at the wedding next to him- he can wear a suit he already has, doesn't need to worry about any additional expenses etc. Basically just to let him know that if he's planning on and able to come to the wedding as a guest, this would be no more demanding than that. 

PPs have already covered the second part- if your parents are paying they pretty much get to invite who they want, but if you're paying you can just say "I'm sorry but we can't accommodate those people, it's just not in the budget." That's what I did with my MIL when she wanted to add people.

MandyMost

1. "I totally understand your concerns, and I'm happy to have you attend as a guest if that's what you'd prefer and you can make it! I do want a chance to explain that the ONLY expectation I would have of you as a best man would be to come an hour before the ceremony to take some pictures, and then stand up during the ceremony. We're not requiring a specific suit, or any pre-wedding-party planning or attendance, or even a rehearsal. I'm with you that I can't stand all that financial responsibility and time commitments for someone else's wedding, which is why we're doing it differently! And of course your significant other would be invited for the whole thing, and you would be sitting with her during the reception. We're not assholes, unlike a lot of our friends".

2. First, ignore any comments except perhaps to say "We're planning to keep it small. WE haven't made the list yet, but we'll let you have a look as soon as we do!". Once you make the list, show it to them. Say "This is what we're thinking for the guest list. It's X amount of people, which works with our budget and what we were thinking. Take a look and let me know if you see any issues". If they try to add a bunch of people, explain that you're not going to do that.  

SP29

1. I also think it would be appropriate for FI to let his friend know that you still hope he will be able to attend. I also think it would be fine to clarify that you expect nothing from him except to stand up beside FI on the day of.

2. Are parents contributing? You've got a few options.
1) Ask them first who they would *like* to see invited (just because they give you a big list doesn't mean you have to invite any of those people) and compare it to the list you and your FI have made (I would assume you'll have over lap with family).
2) Completely close the subject from the get go (if you and your FI are fully paying). "We have chosen to have a smaller wedding with close family and friends. We have made the guest list and it has been finalized". No further discussion about it- repeat the above if needed, "The guest list has been finalized".
3) Create your guest list with your FI. Determine how many spots are left within your budget. Then tell your parents and ILs, "You may invite X number of guests of your choosing. Please provide us with a list of names and addresses by Y date".