Hi everyone,
I'm just looking to see if anyone is in my boat or has any advice...
I do not want to invite my sisters partner to my wedding.
They have been "together" on-and-off for 6-7 years now. He has broken her heart badly multiple times but now is back in the picture once again.
I don't like a single thing about him, he and I are not compatible personalities and I hate that he's hurt my sister as much as he has. I don't think he's a good person. Last time I heard his voice, without even seeing him, I had a panic attack.
He gives me massive anxiety, and for that reason I want to keep him off the guest list.
My mum keeps trying to persuade me otherwise because my sister will be upset at me not including him. However my sister knows how I feel about him, so I don't know why I would suddenly change my mind for the biggest day of my life.
I'm already very tired of having this debate, can anyone offer advice?
Re: Guest list troubles...
You are building this up in your head - will your wedding be one of the most important days in your life? Possibly. The biggest day ever? I hope not. It's not all downhill from saying 'I do'.
Of course. Not everyone likes everyone. Lots of people have friends or family members where they don't like the partner they have chosen. One of my best friends is married to someone who doesn't trust her and has done some shady things because of it. I hate that, but I respect that there is something about their relationship between them that works for her because she's still with him. I dislike the husband of another good friend. They seem to work well together, but we are completely two different temperaments and I don't enjoy spending time together with him. But I respect that they have chosen each other and are a social unit. I also have another friend who is on again, off again with a guy who is kind of a douche who keeps "breaking her heart" and I've spent many nights listening to her cry. She's currently "on again" with them.
The good news is, you didn't choose them for a partner, so you only have to deal with them when dealing with your friend or family member. How would you like if someone you were close to decided they don't like your husband and because of that chose to not invite him to their wedding or other social gathering and only invite you? Or flip it around - how would you feel if one of your husband's friends or family decided they didn't like you and excluded you because of it? I'm going to guess that you wouldn't be okay with it. The social occasion being your wedding doesn't give you free reign to disrespect the relationships of your loved ones. You don't have to like them, but you do have to respect that your sister has chosen to become a social unit with them and treat them fairly.
In that same vein, unless there is more to the story where he has actually abused you, you also can't take on your sister's pain, choices, and consequences and make it your own to the point that it makes you sick. If you aren't able to separate yourself from her choices and consequences, then it may be time to seek professional assistance in learning to cope with that.
You may want to look into speaking to someone about having panic attacks over just hearing someone's voice. Though choosing to do so or not would be a personal choice only you can make.
As PPs said, you don't get to choose who your sister is in a relationship. The only time you will need to engage with him is to say, "Thank you for coming". If he should cause a problem (if that's what you are expecting), you have him escorted out by security or the police. No further interaction required.
Not inviting your sister's SO is a slap in the face to her. Sure, she may not be making a great choice right now, but that is not your burden to take on or your responsibility to fix.
Similarly, if you don't invite him, it may alienate your sister from the family. She may withdraw from the family and more toward him, making it harder for her to break up with him for good, if that's what she would want to do. Keep your sister close and be there for her when she needs you to- but this is relationship is not your responsibility.
Ditto Scribe. You need to speak to a doctor or therapist about someone's voice sending you into a panic attack. That is not normal.
Your sister has chosen this person. You don't like him most likely because your sister has bad mouthed him to you during their break up periods and based upon the one sided stories you heard from your sister. All that has done is tarnished your thoughts against her bf. Why would you like someone when all you hear are negative things about them from the one person who supposedly loves them? That was not fair to you or your sister's bf. But what's done is done. Now you need to figure out how to at least be in the same room as him. You don't have to be friends with him, just cordial hello and good byes. Until your sister breaks up with him for good, he will be in your life as long as you want your sister in yours. Think of them always as a packaged deal.
You don't have to like him, but you don't get to decide who your sister is with. Excluding him will likely result in your sister not attending, and may permanently effect your relationship with her.
Hard as it is, yes, they are a social unit. Unless this jackwagon has done something physically/emotionally threatening towards you, yes, your sister gets an "and guest" (if they're an on again off again with the weather, I'd phrase it and guest, otherwise, if it's marriage track, it's her SO's name).
As for the anxiety attack in their presence, what happens when she decides to (crash and burn) marry this person and have them as an IL? Working with a therapist of some sort (I'm not a fan of most psychs, but there are MANY options out there for counseling), is going to serve you well in the long-term because this will happen with other people you encounter from time to time and the question is how you deal with it, learning some strategies to better get you through is a good idea..
Calling an existing partner "and guest" because you don't like him is childish and passive aggressive.
I can sympathize with how your sister's SO's treatment of her affects you. You sound like a very empathic person (as am I), and it's not easy to turn that off. Please do get whatever help you need.
Firstly, I am already seeking pro help for some other things, I am currently unable to include the addition of my sister's relationship into that at the moment. They aren't a part of my life, outside of this planning, and this is just because of my mother. The panic attacks come from knowing he's around, which in the past has meant my family will be hurt soon enough, as of course the family is involved in a relationship that started as teenagers. He has been abusive to my sister emotionally and financially. I think that's not entirely insane.
However, secondly, I suppose I will have to bite the bullet and invite him. I never have wanted to influence her choices and if she's happy, then that's her prerogative. I just do not like who he is as a person and I don't like how manipulative he is. But as mentioned, a cordial "hello" is all that is needed.
Thank you again.
Knottie#s, I'm glad that you took our advice in a good way. Not all posters on here do. So change your name and stick around!
Secondly, while you may not be able to currently address your sister's bf and your issues with him. Please make sure your professional at least knows that you have been prone to panic attacks just by hearing someone's voice. That is some very important information that your doctor or therapist should know. I wish you luck in addressing your issues and commend you for taking steps to address them.
And thank you for your concern too, I'll make sure to bring it up.