Attention lurkers and newbies: We aren't monsters and I can prove it

thefanciestbeckler

If you're questioning the humanity of the ladies of TK, please take a moment to read some of the posts from the last couple of days.

A few of the regs here are going through some serious, real life problems right now. Reading all of the support offered by other regs has really touched me, and that's the inspiration for this post. Weddings are great, but they certainly aren't the end-all-be-all in life. The ladies on these boards represent many different walks of life. We all live in different areas and have different careers, religious beliefs and political preferences. We represent many different experiences. It is beautiful to see so many women from so many different backgrounds support one another regardless.

A lot of the ladies on these boards are married already, and a lot of them aren't. Regardless of marital status, there are lots of smart women here. Many of us already know something that you don't: most of what you worry about when you're planning a wedding doesn't matter in the long run. You know what does matter? How you treat people. That's what will be remembered by your guests.

So, no, we aren't going to tell you that it's ok to "dismiss" a bridesmaid because she didn't answer your text about going to try on dresses for the 15th time. We aren't going to say it's ok for your parents to put off their retirement to pay for your wedding. We aren't going to condone crowd-funding for a honeymoon, and we aren't going to wink at a cash bar. NO, it is not ok to get married at a courthouse (which BTW is your real wedding) and then have a "real" wedding. Your situation is not special or unique. Get your feelings hurt if you want, but there is a deeper issue at hand. Wouldn't you rather have some internet strangers tell you the truth and save you from hurting your friends and family?

Before you judge us, tell us we are too harsh, say you feel sorry for our husbands, or give a good ole fashioned "shame on you" finger wag (you know the one), take a moment to step back. If you ask for advice here, you are going to get advice. Honest, real, unfiltered advice. Take it however you would like.

Ok that's all.

Sincerely,
TFB

ETF words

PamBeesly524

SP29

I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday.

Think about what really matters- the dress or shoes your BMs wear, having a destination B-party, YOUR "most perfect special day" is not what matters. It's having your loved ones- friends and family- celebrating WITH you (not for you) one of the joys of life (and hopefully there will be many more).

I've also seen newbies write a few times, "You guys are so mean. I thought this was a place brides could come for support". Read some of the other threads happening on this board and you will see nothing but love and support.

kimmiinthemitten

MesmrEwe

OurWildKingdom

Sadly, the problem with forums is that all you get is the written word. It's easy to think that someone is judging you when you can't hear tone of voice nor see body language and facial expressions. There may well be some members here who need to temper their approach a bit; I haven't encountered any yet. But the majority here are supportive and helpful.

[Deleted User]

Hmm, one has to wonder why already married ladies are still on these boards, though. 
It's not polite, or acceptable, to approach a Bride in a rude, aggressive, sarcastic and downright snippy tone over the internet, as it's pretty ridiculous. 
Contrary to laughable, but popular, belief, not all Brides are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some know exactly what they want, maybe even to the very last detail.
When we ask for tips or advice on an issue, we're not screaming "SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!". We're simply getting opinions on that topic to get an all around feel for what guests may like or not like. 
Not a big deal really. 
Some mellowness and better attitudes would be greatly appreciated. We have nothing to do with whatever chip is on whomever's shoulders.

CMGragain

[Deleted User] said:

Hmm, one has to wonder why already married ladies are still on these boards, though. 
It's not polite, or acceptable, to approach a Bride in a rude, aggressive, sarcastic and downright snippy tone over the internet, as it's pretty ridiculous. 
Contrary to laughable, but popular, belief, not all Brides are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some know exactly what they want, maybe even to the very last detail.
When we ask for tips or advice on an issue, we're not screaming "SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!". We're simply getting opinions on that topic to get an all around feel for what guests may like or not like. 
Not a big deal really. 
Some mellowness and better attitudes would be greatly appreciated. We have nothing to do with whatever chip is on whomever's shoulders.

We are her because we want to help brides plan their weddings.  We love weddings.  We have a lot of knowledge and want to share it.
If you go for a hike in the mountains, do you want to take an experienced guide, or one who has never been hiking before?
You want opinions?  We will gladly give you honest opinions, but if you don't like our opinions, that is not our fault.
Chip on our shoulders?  Honey, go take a look in the mirror!

LOL!  She DDd while I was writing this response.

kimmiinthemitten

[Deleted User] said:

Hmm, one has to wonder why already married ladies are still on these boards, though. 
It's not polite, or acceptable, to approach a Bride in a rude, aggressive, sarcastic and downright snippy tone over the internet, as it's pretty ridiculous. 
Contrary to laughable, but popular, belief, not all Brides are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some know exactly what they want, maybe even to the very last detail.
When we ask for tips or advice on an issue, we're not screaming "SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!". We're simply getting opinions on that topic to get an all around feel for what guests may like or not like. 
Not a big deal really. 
Some mellowness and better attitudes would be greatly appreciated. We have nothing to do with whatever chip is on whomever's shoulders.

And you just solidified yourself as ridiculous.  I wish I could see Deleted Users histories, but no one approached anyone.  You act as though a married reg saw a new user and messaged you just to ridicule your color choices or something.

Clearly, you either posted, or read a post, where a person asked for advice, and didn't like the advice given.  

And if it's not a big deal, why are you posting otherwise and then deleting yourself?

PrettyGirlLost

OurWildKingdom said:

Sadly, the problem with forums is that all you get is the written word. It's easy to think that someone is judging you when you can't hear tone of voice nor see body language and facial expressions. There may well be some members here who need to temper their approach a bit; I haven't encountered any yet. But the majority here are supportive and helpful.

Many times we are judging posts. . . if you use the phrase "my day" in any incarnation, if anything you are posting is disrespectful of your family and friends, dripping with entitlement and selfishness, or in any other way rude you bet your ass we are judging you and our faces and body language look like this:

[Deleted User] said:

Hmm, one has to wonder why already married ladies are still on these boards, though. 
It's not polite, or acceptable, to approach a Bride in a rude, aggressive, sarcastic and downright snippy tone over the internet, as it's pretty ridiculous. 
Contrary to laughable, but popular, belief, not all Brides are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some know exactly what they want, maybe even to the very last detail.
When we ask for tips or advice on an issue, we're not screaming "SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!". We're simply getting opinions on that topic to get an all around feel for what guests may like or not like. 
Not a big deal really. 
Some mellowness and better attitudes would be greatly appreciated. We have nothing to do with whatever chip is on whomever's shoulders.

To give advice to those who haven't actually been married yet.

Because when seeking advice, it's best to solicit people who have never done that which you are doing for the 1st time, amirite?

Maggie0829

PrettyGirlLost said:

OurWildKingdom said:

Sadly, the problem with forums is that all you get is the written word. It's easy to think that someone is judging you when you can't hear tone of voice nor see body language and facial expressions. There may well be some members here who need to temper their approach a bit; I haven't encountered any yet. But the majority here are supportive and helpful.

Many times we are judging posts. . . if you use the phrase "my day" in any incarnation, if anything you are posting is disrespectful of your family and friends, dripping with entitlement and selfishness, or in any other way rude you bet your ass we are judging you and our faces and body language look like this:

[Deleted User] said:

Hmm, one has to wonder why already married ladies are still on these boards, though. 
It's not polite, or acceptable, to approach a Bride in a rude, aggressive, sarcastic and downright snippy tone over the internet, as it's pretty ridiculous. 
Contrary to laughable, but popular, belief, not all Brides are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some know exactly what they want, maybe even to the very last detail.
When we ask for tips or advice on an issue, we're not screaming "SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!". We're simply getting opinions on that topic to get an all around feel for what guests may like or not like. 
Not a big deal really. 
Some mellowness and better attitudes would be greatly appreciated. We have nothing to do with whatever chip is on whomever's shoulders.

To give advice to those who haven't actually been married yet.

Because when seeking advice, it's best to solicit people who have never done that which you are doing for the 1st time, amirite?

Hellz yeah!  I mean, if I need a heart transplant I am going to find the newbiest newb of all surgeons to perform it.  Why in the world would I want a surgeon who has been there, done that?

OurWildKingdom

PrettyGirlLost said:

OurWildKingdom said:

Sadly, the problem with forums is that all you get is the written word. It's easy to think that someone is judging you when you can't hear tone of voice nor see body language and facial expressions. There may well be some members here who need to temper their approach a bit; I haven't encountered any yet. But the majority here are supportive and helpful.

Many times we are judging posts. . . if you use the phrase "my day" in any incarnation, if anything you are posting is disrespectful of your family and friends, dripping with entitlement and selfishness, or in any other way rude you bet your ass we are judging you and our faces and body language look like this:



 
SITB

True, it's impossible to be human and not judge, but speaking for myself, I aspire to judge only the content of the message without leaping to conclusions about the messenger. Alas, I often don't succeed.

[Deleted User] said:

Hmm, one has to wonder why already married ladies are still on these boards, though. 
It's not polite, or acceptable, to approach a Bride in a rude, aggressive, sarcastic and downright snippy tone over the internet, as it's pretty ridiculous. 
Contrary to laughable, but popular, belief, not all Brides are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Some know exactly what they want, maybe even to the very last detail.
When we ask for tips or advice on an issue, we're not screaming "SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!!". We're simply getting opinions on that topic to get an all around feel for what guests may like or not like. 
Not a big deal really. 
Some mellowness and better attitudes would be greatly appreciated. We have nothing to do with whatever chip is on whomever's shoulders.

To give advice to those who haven't actually been married yet.

Because when seeking advice, it's best to solicit people who have never done that which you are doing for the 1st time, amirite?

SITB again:

Personally, I've benefited greatly from the advice of members here who have already been married. While I have a rather large and close-knit family and have been to a lot of weddings, I can use all the help I can get. (Especially since most of my family, wonderful though they are, will co-sign almost any mishegoss I think up.)

OurWildKingdom

Ignore my earlier pomposity.  What I meant to say is that we don't know what you're really like, just what you post. Yes, we'll judge what you say and how you say it. No, constructive criticism is not the same as a personal attack. (It only took me 30-plus years to figure that one out.)

Breathe, have some chocolate, pet your cat or dog, hug your FI, then come back and see if you still feel like you're being attacked.