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Wedding Woes

Advice on postponing a wedding.

My fiancé and I are 3 months away from our wedding date, however we both feel like we aren't ready to step into this marriage yet—mentally, financially, etc. This is partly because our pre-marital mentors haven't been mentoring us, so we haven't really had any guidance through all of this. After several hard discussions, we have decided that it would be best to postpone our marriage until next year and use this time to grow, individually and as a couple. Although, I know this is the best decision for us as a couple, I'm having a really difficult time coming to terms with it, mainly because I'm worried about what others will think. In a way, I can't help but feel like I'm letting everybody down, and I'm worried about them talking about us behind our backs. I know that's silly, and I should just focus on us and setting our relationship up for success, but it's really hard for me to get past. I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this and can offer me your stories or advice?

Re: Advice on postponing a wedding.

  • thefanciestbecklerthefanciestbeckler Chattanooga, TN member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Good for you for being mature enough to make this decision.

    I have never postponed a wedding, but I did break an engagement off when I was in my early 20's. People WILL talk, go ahead and prepare for that. The good news is, they will move on after the dust settles. I promise. Always keep in mind that the choice you made was for the best. Surround yourself with people who support you and your decision to postpone. Please try not to worry about what people will think. It really doesn't matter.

  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2016
    People will talk, but it will not ALL be bad.  I'm sure there are people that will also say "good for them for being responsible!" 

    I do have to ask about these pre-marital mentors.  What are they supposed to do? 

    ETA: It will not ALL be bad.
  • I haven't been through this, and I applaud you for taking this decision so seriously and not bowing to pressure.

    It might help to consciously present yourselves as a united front.  Maybe try to limit details of why, especially if they could be "blamed" on one of you or the other except to people you trust not to be judgmental and to keep confidences.

    Also, I'd recommend professional premarital counseling, if possible before moving ahead with any more wedding planning.  We went to couple's counseling before getting engaged, and we're so glad we did.  It took the pressure off of doing marriage prep and wedding planning at the same time.  
    [Deleted User]madamerwinOurWildKingdom
  • Have STDs or invitations already gone out?  If so, than I would strongly recommend you mail out a postcard to anyone who received one so that they know the plans have changed.

    If neither has gone out, then just verbally/word of mouth let people know the wedding has been postponed until a TBA future date.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    If you have sent invitations or STDs then you should send out a card to all invitees. 

    "The wedding of bride and groom will not take place as planned." Is all the card needs to say.  Don't worry about what people will say.  If anyone asks you directly (which would be rude of them), you can either tell them that you both felt your mentors did not prepare you correctly for marriage or you can just say that you and FI are still committed to each other, but would like some privacy during this time. 

    Contact your vendors and see if you can take your deposits and move them to a future date.  It may take some time to get all of your vendors available on the same day, but this could prevent you from completely losing any deposit monies.

  • I guess my first question is - are you doing this because you really NEED to postpone because you both truly haven't figured out "Forever and always" or is it because you've got shi**y mentors who don't know what they're doing in guiding you to work through some of these issues and you're freaked out because it's three months away?  What's going to change in a year is what you need to ask yourselves.  There's the old farmer's saying "Next year will be better" - and I know old-timer's in their 90's who still say this year after year.  The first thing, change your "mentors" because they sure as heck aren't actually BEing your mentors - there's a failure to communicate happening and a mentor would be right there with both of you helping facilitate the decision to wait if that's what you're actually needing.  It also may be that you need to spend the next month planning the marriage and step away from all wedding planning, that's o.k.!  Not knowing where you're going through marriage prep - we know many couples who were of a variety of faiths who went through the local Catholic church's marriage prep program because there's a process in place for most diocese for preparing couples, that may be something worth looking into because the mentor type thing isn't working for you two or look into a marriage & family counselor to do marriage prep with you (this is a common part of their jobs).. 

    As for judging you - really, no one is, that part is in your head for the most part at this point...  You're better off to postpone now than go through with something neither of you is ready for and be done with marriage in a year, or worse, bring kids into the relationship because "They say" it'll make a stronger marriage" - THEN people WILL judge but not as much as if you stay in something that never was meant to be...  Assume the deposits are lost and gone forever if you cancel, it's cheaper than a divorce if you're not ready to be married, and you know what, that's o.k. if you lose some deposits!  Some of your deposits you may be able to get back depending on what the contract says or you can do something different if you can't (For example, if your florist is non-refundable, use the deposit and get yourself some flowers...  or baker for cake.. or donate the food from the caterer for the amount of the deposit to a local food shelf/shelter) - the important thing is to read your contracts!

    Good luck in whichever decision you decide to make!  If one of you isn't ready, you both aren't ready!

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  • If you decide to outright cancel the wedding, you could also do something like this as a charitable fundraiser, like a high school classmate of mine did: 
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    A good friend of FI's did this.  They were supposed to get married in October of last year, cancelled the original event as planned, sought out counseling and got married this March with just their parents present in Florida.  Your decision isn't easy, but it sounds like a good decision.

    Like PP's said, send a card to anyone who received a STD and let the gossipers gossip.  Whatever they may say will speak far more to who they are as people then who you are as a couple.
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