NWR: 1st Birthday Party

yellowdaisies84

Hi all-

My daughter's first birthday is coming up. I was thinking about hosting two parties- one for my husband's side of the family and another one for my side of the family. Her birthday is on a Wednesday so I was thinking doing his the weekend before and mine the weekend after. Is that a reasonable plan? We live in a condo so we have limited space (our table seats 4, our couch seats 2-3) and his family is 4-7 people and mine is 3-6 people depending who comes. Also it's great for my baby to have a smaller group so it's not as overwhelming and I feel it's better for them to have more time with her to play and hold her if there's not too many people there at once.

I also was planning to not serve my baby birthday cake twice in one week so I wasn't planning on giving it to her when his family comes over and either giving it to her on her real birthday or the next weekend when my family comes over. I'd prefer to wait until she turns 12 months or after. 

I wanted to check in with your opinions on whether I'm in the clear to do this and it isn't wrong in any way to throw two separate parties or to not "let" his Mom and sister be there for watching her eat her first piece of cake.

A couple more points:
-His sister is about to move cross-country so she can't make it to a party the weekend after, it has to be the weekend before or she'll have moved already.
-I have been thinking for a long time that his Mom (and my Mom actually) might ask to host a family party for her at their house. I'd MUCH prefer to do it at our house for lots of reasons. My mom lives an hour away and his an hour further. If we have to drive around to see everyone it's much less convenient for her nap schedule and her energy. It would be lovely for my husband and I to host family in our home (we NEVER get to do that) and have all of our baby's toys and things, high chair, bed to nap in, all of our equipment is here. Plus it's just to be honest really nice for me to be able to plan and co-ordinate a birthday party for my little girl and plan the cake for her (and not be in a position where we feel like we have to give her cake etc. that someone else prepared or bought for her even if we don't want to for whatever reason) and everything and not have it taken over by others. 

So suggestions welcome. I don't like the idea of having it at Grandma's house or at a public venue that can fit all of us. I don't think. (Although if the reaction I get from you guys is that two parties isn't a good plan then I guess I'll consider other options.) So I just want to see if my idea of doing two parties is ok and if it's not hurtful that we're not letting husband's family see her eat her first cake. 

monkeysip

Your plan sounds fine, although potentially more exhausting.  Hosting one party was enough for me, haha, but I do understand your reasons for wanting separate ones.

One thing to keep in mind is that the first birthday party is much more for the family than the baby.  Your daughter won't care or remember (sadly) all your hard work.  So really, it's about the memories that you, your husband, and the grandparents will have of her first birthday.  If it's really important to your MIL, then I'd let your daughter have a tiny bit of cake at both parties.  You could just have a very lightly iced cupcake or something.  My daughter barely even ate much of her smash cake anyway (DD had never had cake before either).  Really, it's just for the picture opportunity so your MIL can see her cute little face with frosting on it for a moment.  You don't HAVE to, I'm just suggesting you think about it as a nice thing for your in-laws.

Otherwise, I don't see any etiquette issues with your plan.  Just kindly decline any other party offers.  It's perfectly understandable for you to want to throw your own daughter's first birthday party.

yellowdaisies84

Thank you @monkeysip that's a helpful answer for me!

holyguacamole79

I don't have kids, so take this for what it's worth ...

I think the idea of 2 separate parties seems a bit much.   I realize you want to have it in your home.   Based on what you said regarding space, that doesn't sound feasible.   If hosting something is important to you, then just host a dinner or game night. 

Do either of the grandmas have baby stuff at their houses?   My nephew is 9 months old and my parents have a high chair, pack n play, and other stuff.   They live 3 hours from my sister.  My sister's in laws also have baby stuff (and they live 20 minutes from my sister).

I can't lie ... if my sister had 2 separate parties for my nephew and I wasn't at the one where he smashed cake in his face, I'd be disappointed. 

STARMOON44

I think 2 parties is completely fine, but I disagree about the cake. Either eating cake is an important part of a first birthday, in which case both families get to see it, or you'd rather not have your baby eat cake and it isn't served at either party. The whole I want her to be 12 months thing is completely absurd. We are talking about 4 days on either side of that date. If you just don't want her eating lots of cake, serve her a tiny little slice. If I were the grandma that didn't get to see the fun cake eating when the other one did I would feel hurt. 

As for other suggestions about where to have it, if your baby is 10 months old you're within 8 weeks of the parties right? Just send out invitations. Completely reasonable to just want this to be something small and in your home. 

SP29

I think it's fine to split up the families with two parties if that is how it works best. When my siblings and I were kids, we often had a friend party and a family party. Of course not for the first birthday, but as an example, having 10 kids plus 20 family members in one home is a bit much.

It is always OK to decline an offer of a party. You don't need to explain yourself, but a simple, "Thanks for the offer MIL, but it's easier to have everyone come to us".

I do kind of agree about the cake. Seems unfair to give one family the opportunity to see the "cake smash" but not the other. Have 2 cakes. Give her a small piece each time. Take the piece away after she's had a bite/lick if you want to.

mollybarker11

I think hosting two parties is a fine idea as long as you're up for the extra planning. If your Mom or MIL offers to host one you simply decline and invite her to the party you're throwing for that side.

I also agree that you should have some type of cake at both. Other options apart from traditional birthday cake are ice cream cake, trifle, maybe fruit & yogurt parfaits. I'd be sad to miss out on the presentation of a special dessert.

banana468

The first birthday party is way more of a celebration for the grown ups than it is the kids.

If you want to do two parties then that's a lot of work on your part (twice the house cleaning, twice the food, twice the set up, etc), but I think they need to be identical.   I'd think you were seriously playing favorites if you opted for cake only at one.

On paper this could work but I think in theory it could be better to have one party in one place.    

kvruns

If you host 2 definitely make them similar so neither side is hurt they didn't get to sing, watch the cake playing etc. personally I'd just do the 1 party and whoever can come great. Hosting 2 weekends in a row would be a lot of work 

AddieCake

One side is going to be upset if they don't get the cake experience. Honestly, baby with cake is the only real enjoyable part of baby birthday parties for me. Beyond that it's mostly just adults sitting around talking and watching kids play.

yellowdaisies84

What do you think of this idea: what if I invite my family 12-2 for lunch (between her naps) and then his family 4-7 for dinner (until bedtime). And explain to them that we've split up the party a bit so it's less overwhelming for her and so we all fit better in the condo (this is true!) I think that both sides of the family are more comfortable in a group that is more familiar to them anyway to be honest with you. 

I think this could work. Do you guys think it's a good idea? Reasonable?

monkeysip

2 hours seems a bit short if your family has an hour drive.  But you also know your family and how well this would go over with them.

MesmrEwe

AddieCake said:

One side is going to be upset if they don't get the cake experience. Honestly, baby with cake is the only real enjoyable part of baby birthday parties for me. Beyond that it's mostly just adults sitting around talking and watching kids play.

This!  This the one-year-old-with-a-cake photo op is the ONLY reason to have a first birthday party - really..  Does that mean that you're going to give them a 6" cake to eat on their own, no, but give the kid a cupcake! 

STARMOON44

yellowdaisies84 said:

What do you think of this idea: what if I invite my family 12-2 for lunch (between her naps) and then his family 4-7 for dinner (until bedtime). And explain to them that we've split up the party a bit so it's less overwhelming for her and so we all fit better in the condo (this is true!) I think that both sides of the family are more comfortable in a group that is more familiar to them anyway to be honest with you. 

I think this could work. Do you guys think it's a good idea? Reasonable?

 I think she is a year old and you should loosen up about nap time, since you asked. 

And no, inviting your family for 2 hours and kicking them out doesn't sound like a good idea at all. 

[Edited because wine]

AddieCake

I think it's awkward to invite people for just a couple hours so you can have the next group come in. 

LondonLisa

Check out local rec centres, parks and libraries or other places where you can hire space for free or very low cost. I would think throwing one casual afternoon party (non-meal) with cake and punch would be much easier. Plus, I'm sure your family would want to spend time with your in laws. Segregated parties aren't rude per se, but it seems way more work and a potential for questions/hurt feelings. This way you'll also get photos of the baby with all 4 of her grandparents etc.

Frankly, If I was invited to my nephew's 1st birthday with only my family and found out my brother in law's family was coming on a different day, I would be asking my sister what we had done to offend them. I rarely see them, and look forward to these opportunities to get to know them better. It just seems awkward and against what early birthday parties are for: two families coming together to celebrate the baby. 

banana468

Ditto @LondonLisa.   Given the 1 yr range, I'd begin to think of ways to shift around naptime.   Can you keep her awake to score one long nap and then do everything later?   

How tiny is your condo?   DH and I used to live in a condo and we'd still have parties with 30 people or so.     I know everyone on TK is all "OMG you need tables and chairs!" but I think in a casual environment like a birthday party in a house you can score with finger foods, places to put down drinks (side tables, bookcases) and collapsable chairs around.

Does your condo have a clubhouse?   Can you have it in a local pavilion that's warm enough for an outside event?  

Whatever you decide, I think everyone needs to see the cake eating.   And someone's going to be sad that they watched the consolation eating.

Believe me - I have two kids and my 18 mo is still up regularly at night.   But I think if you're going to plan a party like this then you need to figure out a way to make it work for the guests.

I think you need to relax a bit.   Your OP is making it look like you're wanting to be inflexible. 

Heffalump

I'm just chiming in as a veteran of a kid with sleep issues, who didn't STTN until we forced the issue with Ferber at 13 months.  (I actually put DD down for her nap right in the middle of the party:  she ate her cake, passed out, the party went on without her, and when she got up she opened presents and everyone oohed and aahed at her.)   So I know where you're coming from, but I really think having half the family miss the cake is going to cause hard feelings.  With grandkids, some people are very touchy about where they rank relative to the other grandparents. 

Separate but equal almost never works in practice--even if you can miraculously make everything identical between the two parties, there can be the perception that the other group got more/better whatever.  Add having cake at one but not the other, and someone will almost certainly feel slighted.  I don't think it's worth the drama.

If you can somehow cram everyone in, that's probably easiest.  If not, I promise your DD won't suffer any harm if she gets a small piece of cake twice in two weeks.  (Just wait until she starts school and comes home saying "We had three birthdays this week and I got three cupcakes and three goodie bags!") 

yellowdaisies84

Ok. I feel like I'm too stressed out and preoccupied by this for some reason. I want to try to just do what's smart and not too complicated. 

I'm thinking of just inviting both families at once and just go from there. Maybe 4-7. I'm hesitant to not plan it around my baby's nap because it could be a pretty overwhelming day for her with lots of faces, excitement, toys, cake. I feel like a well-rested happy baby is a good idea in case skipping a nap leads to melt-downs and exhaustion. But maybe I'm wrong. 

Some of my family is older and doesn't like driving at night especially because I live in the big city that they'd have to be a little out of their comfort zone so I think that they might prefer the 12-2 thing but then that really didn't go over well here so maybe splitting up the party and having a 12-2 thing is a bad idea. I feel like I am overly confused and stressed about this for sure. Maybe my husband should take over the planning because he won't get like this. I think even the fact that I posted it here for help and advice is sort of indicative that I'm overthinking it. 

Thanks so much for all the responses. 

banana468

yellowdaisies84 said:

Ok. I feel like I'm too stressed out and preoccupied by this for some reason. I want to try to just do what's smart and not too complicated. 

I'm thinking of just inviting both families at once and just go from there. Maybe 4-7. I'm hesitant to not plan it around my baby's nap because it could be a pretty overwhelming day for her with lots of faces, excitement, toys, cake. I feel like a well-rested happy baby is a good idea in case skipping a nap leads to melt-downs and exhaustion. But maybe I'm wrong. 

Some of my family is older and doesn't like driving at night especially because I live in the big city that they'd have to be a little out of their comfort zone so I think that they might prefer the 12-2 thing but then that really didn't go over well here so maybe splitting up the party and having a 12-2 thing is a bad idea. I feel like I am overly confused and stressed about this for sure. Maybe my husband should take over the planning because he won't get like this. I think even the fact that I posted it here for help and advice is sort of indicative that I'm overthinking it. 

Thanks so much for all the responses. 

I think you need to put it out there that you're going to do what makes the greatest amount of sense.   Bonus: Planning after naps means that party prep is done while baby sleeps.

Start the event before it gets dark and then those who need to head out early do it.

I'm sympathetic to the drivers with night issues (my mom is one) but sometimes you need to do what makes logistical sense.   

debbeau

When we had my daughters first birthday party we only had furniture in the kitchen and family room. There were temporary tables for putting drinks and food and a lot of laughter went on. There were probably 25 people in my little house. I would do it together to avoid stress and like PP said, families get to know each other better.

MesmrEwe

Also OP, a trip to Walmart/Target for a couple Card Table & Chairs sets is worth it because it's not just this Birthday but future ones with friends that you'll need the extra seating/table space... 

AddieCake

Is everyone you're planning to invite even interested in going? Not to be a downer, but not everyone is going to be interested in travelling OOT for a baby's party. The grandparents most likely will be, yes, but who else is invited? Maybe space won't even be an issue.

ETA: A friend of mine just had her daughter's 1-year party last weekend. Her parents came, but her siblings did not. 

MandyMost

yellowdaisies84 said:

Ok. I feel like I'm too stressed out and preoccupied by this for some reason. I want to try to just do what's smart and not too complicated. 

I'm thinking of just inviting both families at once and just go from there. Maybe 4-7. I'm hesitant to not plan it around my baby's nap because it could be a pretty overwhelming day for her with lots of faces, excitement, toys, cake. I feel like a well-rested happy baby is a good idea in case skipping a nap leads to melt-downs and exhaustion. But maybe I'm wrong. 

Some of my family is older and doesn't like driving at night especially because I live in the big city that they'd have to be a little out of their comfort zone so I think that they might prefer the 12-2 thing but then that really didn't go over well here so maybe splitting up the party and having a 12-2 thing is a bad idea. I feel like I am overly confused and stressed about this for sure. Maybe my husband should take over the planning because he won't get like this. I think even the fact that I posted it here for help and advice is sort of indicative that I'm overthinking it. 

Thanks so much for all the responses. 

I'm pretty sure people were against the idea of kicking people out of your house at 2pm to get ready for a second party at 4pm. There's otherwise nothing wrong with starting the party at noon! Especially if that's what works for everyone. Have the party, with all the planned events take place between 12-2pm, and then go ahead and put her down for a nap at 2pm if that's her regular time. People will either get the hint and start to casually head out, or they'll stay and hang out while she's napping. The point is, you're not stressed over kicking them out of your house to have a second party. 

kvruns

Also remember that babies are unpredictable, so planning around the nap schedule and seemingly everything right still could lead to a melt down. Or having the times be off and fear of overwhelming could end up as a perfect time - you just never know. I remember my niece's first bday party she was doing fine (both sides of family together) until everyone sang happy birthday and then she freaked the f out. 6 years later it is something we tease her about but it didn't ruin the party, no one cared, we all thought it was fine and got a laugh out of it.

MairePoppy

You're making this more complicated than it needs to be. Have one party for both sets of grandparents. Since your parents can't travel at night, have it at noon. Pizza or deli platter is fine. Serve the cake, get pics with the baby eating cake. The grandmothers will probably want to see baby open their gifts, so hand over those two first jic she loses interest. If she's tired, put her down for a nap and let the guests chat for awhile. With all the excitement, she may not want to nap. I agree with OPs about needing to be flexible.

As for seating, bring the kitchen chairs into the living room so everyone can sit together. Buy or borrow some folding chairs. I'll bet the grandparents have some they would be willing to bring with them.

flantastic

AddieCake said:

Is everyone you're planning to invite even interested in going? Not to be a downer, but not everyone is going to be interested in travelling OOT for a baby's party. The grandparents most likely will be, yes, but who else is invited? Maybe space won't even be an issue.

ETA: A friend of mine just had her daughter's 1-year party last weekend. Her parents came, but her siblings did not. 

I think the local family came each time, but DH and I have yet to make the OOT drive specifically for his niece's birthday parties. If we're around, we'll go, but otherwise it's just not worth it. Right now the kid doesn't remember, it's a really short party, we don't feel like setting her up with the expectation that her whole family must go out of their way to make her feel like a big deal every year on her birthday... a whole host of reasons. So yeah.

Jen4948

To be honest, I'd just have one party with immediate family members at your home, after nap times, and tell your mothers (if it comes up) that you have considered everyone's needs, but this is what works best for you, and this is the only party there will be.

SP29

I agree I wouldn't do 2 parties in the same day. Not that it would be wrong to have your party at noon, but are you honestly going to say, "OK, everybody out, it's 2pm!". What if the first group doesn't leave? Are you OK with them sticking around for round 2? How will "round 2" feel if there are other people who have been there since noon? This also doesn't lessen your "too much cake for baby" issue, as you'll have two cakes in one day, vs. a week apart.

I would try to have everyone over at once (immediate family). I agree that house parties can be much more casual, and myself, am fine sitting on the floor to eat the coffee table (because I'll be in jeans, not a fancy dress and heels).

I don't know about your family of course, but I feel like even if you did noon-2pm because of nap time, most of the family would stick around anyway and chat among themselves.

Plan the party at the time that works best for you, and if DD has to go for a nap, she goes for a nap and the guests amuse themselves.