No Kids

Knottie60446931

What is a polite way to say "please don't bring your children" ? What age would you consider to be a good cut off to adulthood? This would include ceremony and reception.

Viczaesar

Knottie60446931 said:

What is a polite way to say "please don't bring your children" ? What age would you consider to be a good cut off to adulthood? This would include ceremony and reception.

1) You don't say "please don't bring your children."  You address the invitation to the people invited.  If said people RSVP for their children as well then you call them, say "Hi Bob!  I just received your RSVP and I'm glad to see that you and Roberta will be able to be at our wedding.  I'm sorry for the confusion, but the invitation was only for the two of you and we won't be able to accommodate Susie and Edwin.  I hope you and Roberta are still able to attend."
2) 18 I guess.  If you don't want children at your wedding, don't invite children. 

geebee908

The only polite way to do this is to not put their names on the invitation. It's rude to state who's not invited on an invitation. I'd consider 18 as adulthood also.

Jen4948

1) By leaving the names of the children off the invitation. If someone RSVPs for uninvited children (or anyone else), then you contact them and tell them that only those persons listed on the envelope are invited and nobody else can be accommodated. And if they show up with their children or other uninvited guests, then you have the option of either treating them like invited guests and accommodating them, or turning them away. If they get pissy and make a scene and/or threaten your relationship with them if you don't allow them to bring their children or other uninvited guests, they're the ones being rude, not you.

2) I agree with 18 being the age of adulthood. But don't split up families by inviting 18-year-olds but not their younger siblings.

banana468

Ditto the others.   I'll agree that 18 is an adult but I also think that if you have a family with an 18 yo and a 15 yo, invite the 15 yo.

FWIW, I think it's easier to invite in circles.   

flantastic

There is no polite way to say someone's not invited. You just say who is invited, by putting the parents' names on the invites. PPs have good wording for if someone RSVPs with a child.

If someone is genuinely confused by a normal invitation (rare) then they shouldn't be hurt when you call to clear it up. Most people don't even have to.

If someone knows that their kids aren't invited but tries to shoehorn them in (also rare), no wording on your invite will help.

However, when the majority of your guest list, who know how names on invitations work and would never dream of trying to bring extra people, see something on your invites that says in effect, "I definitely don't want your kids there," they feel insulted that you think you need to say that to them (even if you only mean it for a particular few that you're worried about). That's why it's better just to clear up individual confusion on an individual basis.

SP29

Don't create an arbitrary cut off. Invite whom you want there, don't invite those you don't. If that means you don't want children, then you don't address your invitations to include any children.

I agree with not splitting up families (i.e. you invite the 18 year old but not the 15 year old because of your age cut off), so either invite both or neither of the "children".

It is also OK to invite some children but not others (again, not splitting up the children in a family). This is where circles are good- you invite the children of immediate family only, or children of those in the WP. Of course you don't have to do this either, but a lot of people think if they invite one they must invite all.

MesmrEwe

Envelope "Mr. & Mrs. Billy Bob" ... Inner envelope "Billy & BobbiSue"... RSVP Card "Two Seats have been reserved in your honor... Meal choices...".

-----

If you want only adults, make your cut-off 18 or 21yo. depending on if alcohol is being self-served.. 

Realize that it's your choice on who is and who isn't invited.  There WILL be rifts along the way, but if you don't want kids there, but firm about your decision and DO NOT be squishy. 

ernursej

I love adult only weddings but there is no polite way to say children aren't invited. You address the invites to the specific individuals you want and if anyone includes children (or other uninvited guests) you follow up with a phone call to let them know the extra individuals cannot be accommodated.

CMGragain

MesmrEwe said:

Envelope "Mr. & Mrs. Billy Bob" ... Inner envelope "Billy & BobbiSue"... RSVP Card "Two Seats have been reserved in your honor... Meal choices...".

-----

If you want only adults, make your cut-off 18 or 21yo. depending on if alcohol is being self-served.. 

Realize that it's your choice on who is and who isn't invited.  There WILL be rifts along the way, but if you don't want kids there, but firm about your decision and DO NOT be squishy. 

You have the right idea, but the wording is not correct.

Outer envelope:  Mr. and Mrs. William Bob
Inner envelope:   Mr. and Mrs. Bob

geebee908

CMGragain said:

MesmrEwe said:

Envelope "Mr. & Mrs. Billy Bob" ... Inner envelope "Billy & BobbiSue"... RSVP Card "Two Seats have been reserved in your honor... Meal choices...".

-----

If you want only adults, make your cut-off 18 or 21yo. depending on if alcohol is being self-served.. 

Realize that it's your choice on who is and who isn't invited.  There WILL be rifts along the way, but if you don't want kids there, but firm about your decision and DO NOT be squishy. 

You have the right idea, but the wording is not correct.

Outer envelope:  Mr. and Mrs. William Bob
Inner envelope:   Mr. and Mrs. Bob

That's assuming his given name isn't actually Billy Bob.

LondonLisa

Would you normally call someone, invite them to your house and then say unprompted "please don't bring your children"?

ellamber

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

[Deleted User]

amberdaisy1005 said:

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

No.  It's not frowned upon.  I can invite whoever I want to my party.  If I want to invite my infant niece, my FH's 7 year old niece and 3 year old nephew, and my MOH's 9 year old daughter, that can be the totality of all the children present.  I don't have to invite my cousin's children.  I don't have to invite my boss's children.  I don't have to invite my neighbor's children.  It's not my problem if my cousin gets her panties in a bunch because my sister's child is there but her children are not.  If my cousin doesn't like it, she doesn't have to accept the invitation for herself.

Jen4948

amberdaisy1005 said:

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

No, it isn't.  In fact, as long as one doesn't split up families, one can pick and choose which children they do and don't want to invite, without owing any explanations.  If someone doesn't like that, they are free not to accept the invitations for themselves or for their own children.

ellamber

Oh ok. Thanks!

levioosa

Jen4948 said:

amberdaisy1005 said:

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

No, it isn't.  In fact, as long as one doesn't split up families, one can pick and choose which children they do and don't want to invite, without owing any explanations.  If someone doesn't like that, they are free not to accept the invitations for themselves or for their own children.

That being said, you should invite in circles, i.e. immediate family kids are okay, closest friends okay, etc.  You can't really invite 30 kids from all different circles, and then not invite some kids of one family who you deem are "misbehaved."  You didn't mention anything like that, but it's been a question we've had before.  

Jen4948

levioosa said:

Jen4948 said:

amberdaisy1005 said:

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

No, it isn't.  In fact, as long as one doesn't split up families, one can pick and choose which children they do and don't want to invite, without owing any explanations.  If someone doesn't like that, they are free not to accept the invitations for themselves or for their own children.

That being said, you should invite in circles, i.e. immediate family kids are okay, closest friends okay, etc.  You can't really invite 30 kids from all different circles, and then not invite some kids of one family who you deem are "misbehaved."  You didn't mention anything like that, but it's been a question we've had before.  

I don't agree.  Since it's not required to invite every adult in a circle if one misbehaves (as long as their SOs aren't invited if they're not), I don't think it's any different for children.  If a child misbehaves, s/he shouldn't be rewarded with an invitation any more than a misbehaving adult should (as long as families aren't split).  Actions have consequences.

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

levioosa said:

Jen4948 said:

amberdaisy1005 said:

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

No, it isn't.  In fact, as long as one doesn't split up families, one can pick and choose which children they do and don't want to invite, without owing any explanations.  If someone doesn't like that, they are free not to accept the invitations for themselves or for their own children.

That being said, you should invite in circles, i.e. immediate family kids are okay, closest friends okay, etc.  You can't really invite 30 kids from all different circles, and then not invite some kids of one family who you deem are "misbehaved."  You didn't mention anything like that, but it's been a question we've had before.  

I don't agree.  Since it's not required to invite every adult in a circle if one misbehaves (as long as their SOs aren't invited if they're not), I don't think it's any different for children.  If a child misbehaves, s/he shouldn't be rewarded with an invitation any more than a misbehaving adult should (as long as families aren't split).  Actions have consequences.

Agreed.  BUT, it's more likely that your friends will be mad at you for not inviting their "angels" when you invite a common friend's kids.  So, it's a good suggestion to invite in circles (i.e. no kids of any of the bowling team) rather than inviting and not inviting kids randomly.

Jen4948

adk19 said:

Jen4948 said:

levioosa said:

Jen4948 said:

amberdaisy1005 said:

I have a question, just because I skimmed this thread and got confused. If someone wants no children at their wedding (say anyone under 18), but invites children of any age from immediate family, isn't that frowned upon? I thought it was a bit of an all or nothing situation, with the exception of splitting up families.

No, it isn't.  In fact, as long as one doesn't split up families, one can pick and choose which children they do and don't want to invite, without owing any explanations.  If someone doesn't like that, they are free not to accept the invitations for themselves or for their own children.

That being said, you should invite in circles, i.e. immediate family kids are okay, closest friends okay, etc.  You can't really invite 30 kids from all different circles, and then not invite some kids of one family who you deem are "misbehaved."  You didn't mention anything like that, but it's been a question we've had before.  

I don't agree.  Since it's not required to invite every adult in a circle if one misbehaves (as long as their SOs aren't invited if they're not), I don't think it's any different for children.  If a child misbehaves, s/he shouldn't be rewarded with an invitation any more than a misbehaving adult should (as long as families aren't split).  Actions have consequences.

Agreed.  BUT, it's more likely that your friends will be mad at you for not inviting their "angels" when you invite a common friend's kids.  So, it's a good suggestion to invite in circles (i.e. no kids of any of the bowling team) rather than inviting and not inviting kids randomly.

I don't agree, because circles of kids can get too big.  And that can be a lot of kids invited to what was supposed to be an adults-only wedding just to spare the delicate feelings of their parents who should have accepted that their kids aren't going to be invited to everything they are.

I think that instead, I would just invite the kids (without splitting families) that I wanted there, and if parents have hurt feelings over it, tell them that unfortunately, it wasn't possible for me and my FI to invite everyone we wanted, including their kids-the same way I would have told them that the uninvited kids they RSVPd for weren't invited in the first place.

SP29

Circles are not a requirement, one is free to invite some children but not others (without splitting up families). But circles are a way to smooth potential ruffled feathers.

The rules are the same as adults. It is fine to invite one aunt/uncle but not your other aunt/uncle.

Jen4948

SP29 said:

Circles are not a requirement, one is free to invite some children but not others (without splitting up families). But circles are a way to smooth potential ruffled feathers.

The rules are the same as adults. It is fine to invite one aunt/uncle but not your other aunt/uncle.

It's a fair argument.

But there could be a problem when a kid could be in more than one circle (immediate children? Nieces/nephews? Cousins?) and one still has to smooth ruffled feathers if children and nieces and nephews, say, are invited but other family children aren't.

Sometimes you just gotta say no and let the feathers be ruffled.

banana468

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Circles are not a requirement, one is free to invite some children but not others (without splitting up families). But circles are a way to smooth potential ruffled feathers.

The rules are the same as adults. It is fine to invite one aunt/uncle but not your other aunt/uncle.

It's a fair argument.

But there could be a problem when a kid could be in more than one circle (immediate children? Nieces/nephews? Cousins?) and one still has to smooth ruffled feathers if children and nieces and nephews, say, are invited but other family children aren't.

Sometimes you just gotta say no and let the feathers be ruffled.

You can.  But you can use this line for any group when you stray from a circle.   As long as you're not splitting families or social units it's cool from an etiquette point.   But if BIL saw that his two kids weren't invited to a family wedding while mine were, it would be a bit hard to swallow.   

Jen4948

banana468 said:

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Circles are not a requirement, one is free to invite some children but not others (without splitting up families). But circles are a way to smooth potential ruffled feathers.

The rules are the same as adults. It is fine to invite one aunt/uncle but not your other aunt/uncle.

It's a fair argument.

But there could be a problem when a kid could be in more than one circle (immediate children? Nieces/nephews? Cousins?) and one still has to smooth ruffled feathers if children and nieces and nephews, say, are invited but other family children aren't.

Sometimes you just gotta say no and let the feathers be ruffled.

You can.  But you can use this line for any group when you stray from a circle.   As long as you're not splitting families or social units it's cool from an etiquette point.   But if BIL saw that his two kids weren't invited to a family wedding while mine were, it would be a bit hard to swallow.   

Kind of situational, I guess.  But sometimes it just isn't possible to "squeeze in one more kid" or make an exception to an adults-only rule-no matter whose feathers get ruffled.  That's when it gets really sad-because the ruffled feathers put you in a no-win situation.

SP29

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Circles are not a requirement, one is free to invite some children but not others (without splitting up families). But circles are a way to smooth potential ruffled feathers.

The rules are the same as adults. It is fine to invite one aunt/uncle but not your other aunt/uncle.

It's a fair argument.

But there could be a problem when a kid could be in more than one circle (immediate children? Nieces/nephews? Cousins?) and one still has to smooth ruffled feathers if children and nieces and nephews, say, are invited but other family children aren't.

Sometimes you just gotta say no and let the feathers be ruffled.

Oh I agree with you. I'm very much a "It's ok to invite who you want and not others, if you don't want them". Just highlighting that circles is not an etiquette rule, it's a suggestion for how to handle a sometimes tricky situation.

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

SP29 said:

Circles are not a requirement, one is free to invite some children but not others (without splitting up families). But circles are a way to smooth potential ruffled feathers.

The rules are the same as adults. It is fine to invite one aunt/uncle but not your other aunt/uncle.

It's a fair argument.

But there could be a problem when a kid could be in more than one circle (immediate children? Nieces/nephews? Cousins?) and one still has to smooth ruffled feathers if children and nieces and nephews, say, are invited but other family children aren't.

Sometimes you just gotta say no and let the feathers be ruffled.

In my wedding party will be my niece, nephew and two cousins (5 and 6) one of whom is my goddaughter.  Those will be the only children at my wedding.  My MOH has two children, 7 and 18 and I'm not inviting them.  Plus she's not going to have any fun having to monitor her 7-year-old and her 18-year-old will get bored.  My tons of other cousins have small children, my FH has people he's inviting that have small children, he even has a goddaughter in another state.  We agreed they cannot come.  Your wedding, your rules.  I don't care who gets mad.  Now if they tell me they'll give me $100 in advance for their plate, well then we might be able to work something out lol.  But I'm really joking with that.  It's more of, I don't want my wedding to be a playground for children.  It will be a playground for adults!