Childhood friend FUMING about not being a bridesmaid- what do I do?

Knottie1448744891

Hello, sorry for the essay, it's a bit complicated.

 This friend was my best friend in high school ages 11-16, we did everything together and were really close. We started to drift a part a bit when we moved to a different school and made new friends but were still good friends until age of 18. 

Then college/university happened, she moved and started a really hectic degree. I would try and reconnect with her in all the summers and vacation periods, but she often wouldn't reply or cancel last minute. I found this hard, because I missed her and felt like our friendship was fading, but understood and decided to keep on making the effort even though she didn't really reciprocate. One day I tried to get in touch with her on Facebook, and couldn't because she had deleted me as a friend. I tried to find out why and was blown off by a very weird excuse, and it closed off my only avenue of communication with her so effectively felt like she didn't want to stay in touch anymore. I was extremely hurt and upset and took me a long time to get over it. She's since explained her reasons for doing this recently, which was unrelated to anything I did or said  but more her own issues, but practically it really damaged our friendship because we didn't really talk except at mutual events for 2 years properly.

We decided to reconnect on Facebook again after 2 years,  I would still see her at group events during the holidays, and things would be really nice and friendly, we get on very well and I didn't really bring it up, but I did feel like our friendship had changed and that I had emotionally distanced myself from her. We didn't talk much over the next 2 years, just a short message every 6 months or so and maybe once or twice one to one after a year of not seeing eachother.

I recently got engaged, she was very excited and we chatted general wedding stuff at a group event. She reached out again last autumn, and said that she was making an effort to be around more and wanted to be in my life more. I explained to her that I felt our friendship had changed a bit and that it would take time to be that close again, but I was excited to give it a try again. She agreed, and said she was really sorry for how things had gone and that because of that she realised that she probably wouldn't be one of my bridesmaids, but she was turning over a new leaf.
I said I was sorry, it was true, I was choosing my 3 closest friends as bridesmaids (two who go back to age 7, one secondary school friend, they both have been there for me 100% through it all). But I said i'd love her to be at the wedding (including breakfast with only close family and friends) and do a reading in the ceremony so she could be a part of it. She seemed happy.

 Since then she cancelled on me three times to meet up, each time with a valid excuse but it stung none-the-less and didn't give me much confidence that things had changed, but I saw her again one to one when eventually she could make it work and once at a group event and things were good. 

She then called me out of the blue and asked to chat last night. She said she just couldn't get over not being asked to be a bridesmaid despite us being so close and going through so much together in school, that she was extremely hurt, felt downgraded as a friend and that i was doing it out of spite because of her having a busy life and not being there for me. That I was sabotaging our friendship, that this was an opportunity for us to be close again. That I was a terrible friend for not inviting me to my 21st and my wedding was another thing she was excluding me from (I don't know where this came from, she'd cut off contact 6 months previous to that). That it would be so easy for me just to add her as a bridesmaid. She said that she had always imagined us being bridesmaids at eachothers weddings, and that it would hurt too much to see me up there without her.

And because of that she doesn't feel like she can come to the wedding.

The whole time she was crying. It was really bad. I tried to explain that I was just having my 3 closest closest friends who have been there for me consistently, and that I had also wanted to ask other friends who I was now very close to but didn't, even my future sister in law who I live with. 

I didn't say that it won't be easy just to add her as an extra bridesmaid, one of the other bridesmaids dislikes her due to lots of complications in our friendship group and breakups etc. She ofcourse would never make it an issue but it would be akward none the less. I also feel that those three would feel abit weird about me suddenly announcing having X as a bridesmaid when they have been there for me consistently when X has hopped in and out at her whim and they've had to deal with my emotional fallout from it.

I explained that I did value her as a friend and do want to be closer, and the times we had together do matter to me, and that's exactly why I want her to come to the wedding (I have a large family so cannot invite all my friends I ever had).

She said again that she didn't think she could come to the wedding because I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid. I said that that was her choice, I would leave it up to her.

 I feel like i'm being emotionally manipulated, there was so much guilt and blame in that conversation. It's massively stressing me out when I have wedding planning, finals and lots of other responsibilities to work out.

Should I reach out to her and let her know that I still want her to be involved in the hope that we can resolve things and be close in the future, or even say for her to think about it and she should still come? Or should I let this friendship go? 

_______________________
UPDATE: Just an add on to this, thank you SO MUCH for all of your responses and input. It's really helped me through this more than you know. The whole thing really threw me into a tailspin and I realised that she'd really managed to get into my head and it was a really unhealthy relationship for me.

Anyone whose experienced the same thing I recommend reading the Mayo link below, it helps to give a name sometimes to very weird and hurtful behaviour, not to excuse it, but to understand what's happening and recognise the signs and get help and support yourself if it seems to be a damaging and repeating pattern of behaviour. 
http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568 

banana468

You feel like you're being emotionally manipulated because you ARE being emotionally manipulated.

Quite frankly, I think this friend gave you an out and you should take it.   Run, don't walk away.     She sounds like someone who hasn't tackled her own emotional issues and as a result, the friendship that she has with you needs to be on her terms only.   Where I'm from, that's not a friendship at all.   

You made the right choice here.  I'd continue to reiterate that you aren't making any changes.   Quite frankly, I'd be really blunt, "I don't think we're as close as you think we are.   I'm not changing the wedding party and if not being a BM means I lose your friendship then I don't think we had much of a friendship from the start."

[Deleted User]

Echoing here.  I would slow fade.  It sounds like this friendship hasn't been healthy in a long time.  Friends who guilt trip and emotionally manipulate aren't really friends, it's something that took me a while to learn and let go.  And it's especially hard when it's an old friendship. So I'm sorry you're going through this.   

Don't be the first to reach out. If you resume talking, I would stop the wedding talk. Still send an invitation with which she can decide what to do. You did the right thing, and I wouldn't add her as a bridesmaid.  Being a bridesmaid won't fix any relationship problems, in fact, it may make things worse.   

softkittywarmkitty

My best friend and I haven't seen each other in almost 4 years, we dontvtalj on the phone a whole lot, but when push comes to shove, she's the one I call at 3 am to bury a body. Our lives going in different directions didn't change that, distance doesn't change that. 

Constantly blowing you off, basically ghosting you, but still attending other people's functions tells you where you stand with her. Dontvfeel bad, there is no way she should be a bridesmaid.

nerdwife

Knottie1448744891 said:

Hello, sorry for the essay, it's a bit complicated.

I just had the most emotionally horrific phone conversation of my life last night and need advice.

 This friend was my best friend in high school ages 11-16, we did everything together and were really close. We started to drift a part a bit when we moved to a different school and made new friends but were still good friends until age of 18. 

Then college/university happened, she moved and started a really hectic degree. I would try and reconnect with her in all the summers and vacation periods, but she often wouldn't reply or cancel last minute. I found this hard, because I missed her and felt like our friendship was fading, but understood and decided to keep on making the effort even though she didn't really reciprocate. One day I tried to get in touch with her on Facebook, and couldn't because she had deleted me as a friend. I tried to find out why and was blown off by a very weird excuse, and it closed off my only avenue of communication with her so effectively felt like she didn't want to stay in touch anymore. I was extremely hurt and upset and took me a long time to get over it. She's since explained her reasons for doing this recently, which was unrelated to anything I did or said  but more her own issues, but practically it really damaged our friendship because we didn't really talk except at mutual events for 2 years properly.

We decided to reconnect on Facebook again after 2 years,  I would still see her at group events during the holidays, and things would be really nice and friendly, we get on very well and I didn't really bring it up, but I did feel like our friendship had changed and that I had emotionally distanced myself from her. We didn't talk much over the next 2 years, just a short message every 6 months or so and maybe once or twice one to one after a year of not seeing eachother.

I recently got engaged, she was very excited and we chatted general wedding stuff at a group event. She reached out again last autumn, and said that she was making an effort to be around more and wanted to be in my life more. I explained to her that I felt our friendship had changed a bit and that it would take time to be that close again, but I was excited to give it a try again. She agreed, and said she was really sorry for how things had gone and that because of that she realised that she probably wouldn't be one of my bridesmaids, but she was turning over a new leaf.
I said I was sorry, it was true, I was choosing my 3 closest friends as bridesmaids (two who go back to age 7, one secondary school friend, they both have been there for me 100% through it all). But I said i'd love her to be at the wedding (including breakfast with only close family and friends) and do a reading in the ceremony so she could be a part of it. She seemed happy.

 Since then she cancelled on me three times to meet up, each time with a valid excuse but it stung none-the-less and didn't give me much confidence that things had changed, but I saw her again one to one when eventually she could make it work and once at a group event and things were good. 

She then called me out of the blue and asked to chat last night. She said she just couldn't get over not being asked to be a bridesmaid despite us being so close and going through so much together in school, that she was extremely hurt, felt downgraded as a friend and that i was doing it out of spite because of her having a busy life and not being there for me. That I was sabotaging our friendship, that this was an opportunity for us to be close again. That it would be so easy for me just to add her as a bridesmaid. She said that she had always imagined us being bridesmaids at eachothers weddings, and that it would hurt too much to see me up there without her.
And because of that she doesn't feel like she can come to the wedding.

The whole time she was crying. It was really bad. I tried to explain that I was just having my 3 closest closest friends who have been there for me consistently, and that I had also wanted to ask other friends who I was now very close to but didn't, even my future sister in law who I live with. 

I didn't say that it won't be easy just to add her as an extra bridesmaid, one of the other bridesmaids dislikes her due to lots of complications in our friendship group and breakups etc. She ofcourse would never make it an issue but it would be akward none the less. I also feel that those three would feel abit weird about me suddenly announcing having X as a bridesmaid when they have been there for me consistently when X has hopped in and out at her whim and they've had to deal with my emotional fallout from it.

I explained that I did value her as a friend and do want to be closer, and the times we had together do matter to me, and that's exactly why I want her to come to the wedding. That being invited to my wedding means that you are one of the people in the world I want to share that moment with, that that really meant a lot to me (I have a large family so cannot invite all my friends I ever had).

She said again that she didn't think she could come to the wedding because I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid. I said that that was her choice, I would leave it up to her.

 I feel like i'm being emotionally manipulated, there was so much guilt and blame in that conversation. It's massively stressing me out when I have wedding planning, finals and lots of other responsibilities to work out.

Should I reach out to her and let her know that I still want her to be involved in the hope that we can resolve things and be close in the future, or even say for her to think about it and she should still come? Or should I let this friendship go? 

This. She sounds dramatic at best. Why would you want this person in your life? Even if it's true that she was just too busy to be your friend for years - which, IMO, is bullshit, because you make time for the people you care about no matter what - now that she's back in your life, she's making demands?

Hell to the no.

Jen4948

I'd drop the friendship, because I'm not sure what you're getting out of it anymore besides guilt-trips that you didn't make someone you were no longer close to a bridesmaid.

[Deleted User]

What they said.  She's a child.  You don't need to have children as friends.  Stop talking wedding with her.  When invitations go out, I think you should still invite her since you already verbally invited her.  Whether she decides to attend or not, you can let the friendship officially fizzle afterwards.

madamerwin

I agree with everyone else here... She is being emotionally manipulative, and the last thing you should do is cave in to her threats.

I would still send her a wedding invitation, though. Maybe with time she will cool off and realize she is being unreasonable. Let her decide when she gets the invite whether she will attend. She sounds like the type of person who, if you did not send an invitation despite her claiming she will not come, will hold that against you too.

Sorry you are going through this - it's hard to lose a longtime friend, but sometimes you just have to let go.

LondonLisa

Good riddance to bad rubbish. She sounds like she is still in school. Anyone over the age of 10 that says: either I'm a BM or I'm not coming needs to grow up. Call her bluff. "I'm sorry you feel that way. But please note this is your decision, not mine. We'll miss you" 

climbingsingle

Sometimes you need to walk away from a friendship/person. This sounds like one of those times. 

MCmeow

Shoot, leave the friendship (but still send the invitation). I was an architecture student which is THE most time consuming major (especially at my school). I drifted apart from so many people, I missed birthdays, hang outs, everything the first two years. My own health needed catching up too (At one point I forgot to eat for two days).

For me it was really hard to see my old friends grow closer while I was stuck at school all the time. BUT I knew it was my problem, not theirs. People without time consuming majors don't understand. So I tried to manage my time better and tried to make the time even if they were rare occurrences. If I was able to make time with my dying sleep deprived self, your friend could, and the fact that she wouldn't shows you weren't important enough to her.

zerostarzombie

I just recently went through something very similar, and I saw the true colors of my "friend." Drop the friendship because she isn't making the effort or time to reconcile with you. She's made her decision, it's time to let go.

I know that's hard, considering she was a close friend for so long. Unfortunately, these things happens. Just keep looking forward, and you have everyone you need right beside you for your most special day.

downtondiva

You've made plenty of effort at this friendship, and what you've gotten in return is someone trying to guilt you and change your wedding party. Move on.

drunkenwitch

Oh Lords of Light, she sounds like more drama than a bag full of wet cats. OP, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. This is 100% on her and her need to be a victim. You don't need that kind of histrionics in your life.

Knottie1448744891

Just want to say thank you to absolutely every one of you for your exceptional support and advice. There wasn't anyone I could speak to who would be impartial because everyone knows her and this has just lifted the weight off my shoulders. It's so  so clear that it's time to let go and move on and that this relationship is not good for me. Thanks again!

Knottie1448744891

UPDATE: Just an add on to this, thank you SO MUCH for all of your responses and input. It's really helped me through this more than you know because there wasn't anyone I could speak to who could be impartial. What a fantastic online community.

softkittywarmkitty

Dr Less Carter writes a great book, "Enough about you let's talk about me.dealing with Narcissistic behavior

charlotte989875

I think you're right to let the friendship go and not be pressured into having her in your wedding party. If she comes, she comes, if not its on her. 

I do want to say though that "diagnosing" your friend based on a website is not really cool. She may have a mental illness, she may not. But unless you are a psychiatrist labeling her as having a personality disorder isn't really your call. 

I get wanting to have an explanation for her behavior and she definitely sounds like she could use a professional to talk to, but I would leave that to experts. 

short+sassy

You completely made the right decision.  People should make their BMs choices on who they are closest to NOW...not who they were closest to in HS/years ago.  Sometimes those are the same people.  But, in the case of your BSC friend, sometimes they aren't.

I've told this story before but my own sister did not ask me to be a BM.  She only wanted one attendant and that person was her BFF.  Really not a big deal.  I would have been happy to stand up with her, if she had asked.  But I was just as happy to be a guest.

Though, I will admit, if she'd had like 10 BMs and hadn't asked me, I would have been hurt, lol.  But still would have happily gone to her wedding and would never have had a conniption fit.

Like the other PPs said, still send her an invite.  It is then her choice to accept or decline.  And, at least if she declines, you know the reason...even if it is a crazy reason.

As to being friends in the future, that's up to you.  If it were me, I'd leave it to how it sounds things are.  Keep in touch with her on occasion, but stop making plans to do things unless she initiates them.

VerizonGirl

This exactly.