Help! What is the proper way to uninvite a guest from our engagement party?

[Deleted User]

Someone who is invited to our engagement party has crossed the line by making snide comments about our relationship, and my fiance specifically.  She has received an invitation and RSVP's yes, however, she continues to disrespect my fiance and my relationship.  It went too far.  Is it too late and too rude to uninvite her? 

CMGragain

There is no proper way to un-invite someone.  It is rude no matter how you do it.

[Deleted User]

Even if it got to the point where my fiance has said he will not attend our engagement party if this person attends?

anothergirl2

I think it depends on the situation, and what was said.
If it was something so offensive that both of you would like to end the friendship with this person I would say its fine to un-invite them, just know that it will probably be a 'friendship ending move'.
 If this person is a family member and uninviting them would cause huge family drama, then I think it would be necessary to evaluate the repercussions of uninviting them. I guess it all depends on what actually happened, if what was said was really all that offensive, and what relationship you have with this person.
I'm guessing if your fiance feels so strongly about their attendance to his engagement party then what happened was pretty bad (although it could also be an over-reaction on his part). If the friendship is over I see no reason not to 'un-invite' them to the party. Although I don't see why someone who has no respect for your fiance (and I'm assuming had words with him) would want to go to his engagement party, or why would you want to remain friends with said person.
Although if it is a family member then things may get more complicated, I guess more info would be needed about what actually happened.

CMGragain

picasso08 said:

Even if it got to the point where my fiance has said he will not attend our engagement party if this person attends?

Really?  This isn't a middle school playground.  You have invited someone to your engagement party.  Done.  Tell your FI to man up and be a good guest of honor.  You do realize that you must also invite this person to the wedding, yes? 
You can be rude and "un-invite" this person, but then she will have the opportunity of telling everyone that you were unforgivably rude, and she will be correct.
You have a choice: 
1.  Be rude and tell this person that they are no longer welcome at your engagement party.  This will create drama and damage your reputation.
2.  Ignore the tittle-tattle, and enjoy your engagement party.

The ONLY exception to this would be if the person physically attacked you or slept with your FI, in which case you should be cancelling your engagement, anyway.

LondonLisa

picasso08 said:

Even if it got to the point where my fiance has said he will not attend our engagement party if this person attends?

Over a snide remark? Really?! I don't know what could have been said that can be described as just a snide remark to justify this ridiculous reaction. I didn't know 12 year olds could get married. Did he make a point to say she not invited to his birthday party, too?

The only way you can "uninvite" her is ending the friendship. Have you even spoken directly to this person to discuss it? 

if you want to end the friendship, then tell her directly. Be prepared for the drama. 

But it I would have major red flags over my Fi's behaviour if he is issuing petty ultimatums over a "snide remark"

redoryx

picasso08 said:

Even if it got to the point where my fiance has said he will not attend our engagement party if this person attends?

Sounds like something my ex-boyfriend would do, because he 28 year old man-child who insisted on throwing temper tantrums over really ridiculous petty situations instead of acting like a mature adult.

Note I said ex. There's a reason for that. 

MyNameIsNot

There's no polite way to uninvite someone from a party. And with an engagement party, you'd have to also consider that it would be rude on the part of the host, not just you.

You can uninvite someone from your life if it's really that bad. (Although I can't imagine a snide remark warranting this.) In this case, you tell the person that you've realized that you no longer want to have any association with them and that you no longer want them in your life. The party would just be an extension of that. But like PPs said, this is the nuclear option. Be sure you're really ready to sever all contact and deal with any related fallout before you go there. 

climbingsingle

Have you spoken to this person yet to find out why she said what she did? Is this second-hand information? Do you know without a shadow of a doubt that she said it? 

You can un-invite her, if you want to end the friendship. But why not have an adult conversation first? 

JediElizabeth

What was the remark?

I've had people say things to me that ended the relationship - if it was that bad, the friendships over and the friendship-ending move of uninviting the person is NBD. If she does as @CMGragain suggested and tells everyone, she's just confirming that she's not the type of person you want to be friends with anyway. 

But that's only if she said something really terrible - something that would be friendship ending anyway. Could you tell us the kind of things she said so we have context, please?

lc07

picasso08 said:

Someone who is invited to our engagement party has crossed the line by making snide comments about our relationship, and my fiance specifically.  She has received an invitation and RSVP's yes, however, she continues to disrespect my fiance and my relationship.  It went too far.  Is it too late and too rude to uninvite her? 

OP, did the remarks happen directly? Meaning, were you and/or FI the direct recipient of these remarks? If so and if it truly went too far and you would like to sever ties with this person in life, go ahead and tell them you no longer wish to have them in your life. Uninvite them. Realize that you will be ending the friendship by doing this. If you and/or FI did not hear the remarks firsthand I think you ought to discuss this with the person civilly and get on the same page before making a decision.

pinkcow13

If you're cool with ending the friendship, then  go ahead and uninvite her. What did she say that was so bad that it would lead to uninviting her? If your FI is so upset he is boycotting his own engagement party, I'm assuming it must have been something truly egregious.

kmmssg

Snide remarks run the spectrum of not even worth your time, to wanting to kill someone. There is way too much latitude here. What did she say and did you guys hear it DIRECTLY from her or second hand? Was this something like "he is a jerk" or "he is sexually inappropriate with minors?" If he is a jerk move on and ignore her at the party (and your FI needs to grow a backbone). If she said something very serious that would question his moral character then that needs to be dealt with. You are being way too vague here.

MairePoppy

Is this a family member that you're talking about?

True story - my mother broke off contact with her older sister for decades after sis said my dad had a horse's face. The results are two generations of cousins who don't know each other and two elderly sisters who regret the years they didn't share.

downtondiva

kmmssg said:

Snide remarks run the spectrum of not even worth your time, to wanting to kill someone. There is way too much latitude here. What did she say and did you guys hear it DIRECTLY from her or second hand? Was this something like "he is a jerk" or "he is sexually inappropriate with minors?" If he is a jerk move on and ignore her at the party (and your FI needs to grow a backbone). If she said something very serious that would question his moral character then that needs to be dealt with. You are being way too vague here.

I agree. If this person is just making stupid jokes about your FI, I'd say just be a grownup and let it go. If she is accusing him of criminal behavior or some sort of improper behavior in your relationship, then you're going to have to deal with it, because that's a much bigger problem than whether someone should come to a party or not. While I would generally say that uninviting someone to a party is a bad idea, it's kind of hard to give you any advice when you're not saying exactly what happened.

CharmedPam

Deleted User.  Now we'll never know what was said.....