Hello All,
I’m looking for advice on a less than desirable subject:
Asking my MoH to step down. I know there’s a lot of text, but it’s all relevant
to the situation.
A little context: I live in Alberta, my wedding (and MoH)
are in Ontario, where I grew up, so I’m taking almost 22 months to plan the big
day, which is in this coming September. I’m ‘in’ her wedding party (she’s
getting married this summer) but she hasn’t formally asked anyone to be a part
of her day yet.
Additional context: She and I have (had...) regular bi-weekly phone dates to talk about everything (lives, travel, work, any and everything. We don't usually talk wedding stuff during these calls.
We’re both very ‘type A’ and like to have everything figured
out well in advance (especially for me getting married across the country.)
Everything was great early on, but things started to turn
sour in July. We were chatting on the phone and she said she felt she may need
to step down as MoH – Her job was keeping her too busy to be involved like some
of my other bridesmaids were (even though she lived closest to where we were
getting married.) I reassured her that I didn’t care if she was involved in the
planning of showers or parties or anything like that, what mattered is that she
was there for me and was standing with me when I got married. She was
appreciative, and asked when I was ordering the dresses for the bridesmaids and
what she owed me for them. I told her they were being ordered the following
week and quoted her the price, which she would pay back before my card statement
was due at the end of the next month(I ordered & paid for the dresses
upfront to get them all from the same dye lot, the girls were paying me back.)
Flash forward two months to the beginning of September. I
get a very stressed out text for my MoH, so I give her a call. Her venue just
told her they double booked the her wedding, and can no longer accommodate her
because the event they booked the same day is going to be bigger and better for
them. I’m outraged and upset for her – I offer to do any and everything I can,
including calling the venue and explaining to them what a contract is. She says
not to worry, she and her Fiancé want to figure it out, but thank you so much
for calling –I’m the only one who cared enough to pick up the phone and didn’t have
some lame excuse. They had some options to consider and she would let me know ASAP
when they’d made a decision because she knew I had to book the time off work
and buy airline tickets to fly cross country for her wedding. She was sorry she
hadn’t sent me the money for the dress yet, but she’d do it soon
Now, let’s look at to October/November. I’ve just flown
across the country for a 2-week planning binge during which my mother has
offered to host a shower and one of my Bridesmaids has organized it. My MoH has
agreed to help me with printing and assembling my invitations the weekend
before, but said she had a conference to attend for work in Cali the weekend
they’d planned the shower. She would bring the money she owed for the dress to
our invitation date (she e-transferred it the next day, finally). She still hasn’t
begun looking at alternate options for her wedding/other dates or just eloping
(something that’s come up several times in the last 7 years.) I’m absolutely
fine with this.
What I’m a little less fine with, is finding out that her
conference was cancelled two months ago and she just decided not to show up to
the shower. Yes, I understand the ‘wedding’ vibe may be stressing her out, but
TELL ME. Don’t tell everyone but me.
Now it’s January, I haven’t heard from her since I saw her
in Nov. despite calling for your regular dates (unanswered) and calling on Christmas (again, no answer) and still no decisions have been made for her wedding. But let’s talk
about headpieces and veils and shoes because ‘I’m feeling good and we’re
sitting down next weekend to make a decision.’ Next weekend, they unexpectedly
have to go to a funeral a few provinces away with his mother. I text her, apologizing
for their loss and saying “I understand you wouldn’t be talking about your
wedding this weekend, but do you have an idea of when you might make a
decision?” I’m not really supposed to take time off work, but my boss has
allowed it and we’d really like to book our airline tickets, and she’s my best
friend so I wouldn’t miss her wedding for the world. She snaps at me saying
obviously they didn’t talk about the wedding on their 22 hr car ride with his
mother. Two weeks later, I get a text saying “wedding is August 20.” And I text
her back telling her how excited I am and can she please call me when she has a
chance, we really need to catch up.
It’s a month before I try to reach out to her again. I live
5 hrs from the nearest city (and nearest bridal stores) and was heading to the
city for the weekend so I was wondering if she had any dresses I needed to try
on.
Three days later she texts me back saying she’s sick and doesn’t
want to think about anything but if there is anything urgent let her know and
she’ll try. I tell her its not urgent, but I hope she feels better and we
should have a phone date when she’s better. I check in on her a couple of times
over the next two weeks, and then I ask again now that she’s feeling better, if
there is anything for me to check out in the city, as I’m unexpectedly going
again, but don’t plan to return for a few months.
She tests back and tells me to Back Off. A wedding is one
day and she doesn’t care, and I shouldn’t care (sorry, I’m supposed to be your
MoH, of course I care! I’ve been looking forward to this day since I met you 7
years ago.) And the only reason I cared when her wedding was, was so that I could
plan my shower (which had been suggested by the same bridesmaid who planned the
last shower, as an opportunity to have a shower with my friends and family
closer to where they were.) This really, really hurt me as I really didn’t care
about the shower, I just wanted to be there for her to celebrate her wedding,
and I has said I was okay with her not being involved and maybe I really wasn’t.
And maybe I should find someone else and they could buy her dress. I told her
flat out I wouldn’t be replacing her if she chose to step down, but it would be
her call. I tried to call her to talk and my call was sent straight to an
automated message saying the number is not inservice (um, the number I’ve been
texting? That we’ve been talking over?).
I gave it a couple of days to get over my hurt and sorrow at
the way she had phrased everything, and texted her (I still got sent right to an
automated message every time I tried to call) to ask if she still wanted to be
involved in the wedding. She texted me back, and said the tone of my (very
polite message: I’ll give you your space, but I would like to know if you do
still want to be involved in my wedding. If not, I will respect your decision
but I would like to know) was not something to expect between friends. She went
on to accuse me of being a bad friend and of attacking her, and she didn’t know
if we could move forward like this but do I really still want her to be my MoH
with everything? and maybe we should both do some more thinking.
I’ve shown the text correspondence to a few people (my Fiancé,
one of my bridesmaids who lives out here with us, and a couple of friends.)
Everyone was shocked by what she was saying and the tone of her message. One or
the friends was amazed I wasn’t still in tears, and couldn’t believe she’d said
what she had or been as rude and sharp.
I feel like I would be justified in asking her to step down,
I even feel like she WANTS to step down but make ME be the ‘bad guy’ for making
the call.
I don’t want to damage our friendship any more, but if the wedding is
‘just one day’ to her (and yes- it may
be one day, but it’s the day my Fiancé and I can celebrate our love with our
families and celebrate the next step together in our lives, so it’s kind of a
big deal) then can it get much worse? It’s not like I’m being crazy overbearing
or demanding. I invited her to be my Maid of Honour, and she accepted. I told
her I didn’t care if she was involved in the planning, what mattered is that
she was there for me and was standing with me when I got married. I feel like
she really hasn’t been there for me, or let me be there for her.