Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Big Wedding, Elope, or Both?

My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.

Re: Big Wedding, Elope, or Both?

  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.
    Once you marry, there is no opportunity for "another" wedding without divorcing.  You need to choose one or the other.  Such a thing as "both" does not exist.

    If you choose to elope, you waive any of the traditional pre-wedding activities such as showers or bachelorette parties.  Only guests invited to an actual wedding can participate in such events.  No guests at a wedding means no events for the bride to be.

    Although I am not a personal fan of this trend, some couples choose to have a small and intimate wedding ceremony, which is followed by a small and intimate wedding reception.  At some point later, the husband and wife throw a party to celebrate their recent wedding.  Obviously, as a wedded couple, this party would not include wedding related activities such as reciting vows,  a first dance, bouquet toss, or other typical wedding reception activities.  It would also be inappropriate to have a registry as that WOULD look gift grabby.  You would need to properly host these guests. 

    You need to choose one or the other.
    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueensHeffalumpDrillSergeantCat
  • My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.
    Please put "XP" in the title when you cross-post across boards. It makes it easier for the rest of us. I'm going to respond on the etiquette board. :)
    [Deleted User]ernursej
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I can relate to the big family situation. We cut our guest list big time and still have 95 people, more than half of whom are family. FW and I are still going back and forth on the merits of big vs. small. 

    Welcome, and get ready for some good advice.
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold bend over and I'll show ya mod
    Moderator 5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its
    This is something only you and your FI can decide, but I do want to say that you can still have a small wedding, even with a large family. I have 20 first cousins and I believe H has somewhere around 40 (my MIL is one of 11 kids). Both of our families are fairly large. We had 33 people at our wedding. Sure I was sad that I couldn't invite all of my close cousins, but a small wedding was important to us. We each invited our close aunts and uncles and H invited his cousins form one aunt. One friend each. We could have easily invited 200 people but I'm pretty sure that everyone understood our decision.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    ernursejbohobrideCAthisismynickname2
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.
    Please put "XP" in the title when you cross-post across boards. It makes it easier for the rest of us. I'm going to respond on the etiquette board. :)
    @JaneWho451, you have posted this on 5 boards.  That is overkill.  Put cross posted on one, and see if you can perhaps ask a mod to delete the other 3, if possible.
    Heffalump
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.
    Please put "XP" in the title when you cross-post across boards. It makes it easier for the rest of us. I'm going to respond on the etiquette board. :)
    @JaneWho451, you have posted this on 5 boards.  That is overkill.  Put cross posted on one, and see if you can perhaps ask a mod to delete the other 3, if possible.


    Yeah, I just responded to this on another board.


    A mod can only delete if there are no responses to the posts. If there are some posts left that have not gotten answers, let me know and I can look into deleting it.

     







  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    MobKaz said:
    My fiance and I have been going back and forth with this, and he says he's happy with whatever I'd like to do. I can't decide between a big wedding or eloping. Any wedding would be big do to our family sizes, so a small one isn't optional. I love both- the close intimate aspect of eloping, and the ability to share my love publicly with my family. I'm just afraid of choosing one and regretting it- eloping and regretting missing out on the party, the dress, the celebration, etc., or having the big wedding and wishing for the stress-free intimacy (and privacy) of an elopement. I've also considered eloping, and having a big "wedding" (for lack of a better word) later, but I don't know if anyone would take it seriously or even come. I wouldn't want them to think it was a gift-grab. I would like the special, private ceremony with my partner, but I'd also love to say my vows in front of my loved ones. I really just don't know what to do.
    Please put "XP" in the title when you cross-post across boards. It makes it easier for the rest of us. I'm going to respond on the etiquette board. :)
    @JaneWho451, you have posted this on 5 boards.  That is overkill.  Put cross posted on one, and see if you can perhaps ask a mod to delete the other 3, if possible.


    Yeah, I just responded to this on another board.


    A mod can only delete if there are no responses to the posts. If there are some posts left that have not gotten answers, let me know and I can look into deleting it.

    @Jells2dot0, it looks as if her post on Offbeat weddings and the Connecticut boards have yet to receive any responses.
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    @MobKaz I'll check them out. I was on mobile, so I couldn't see posting history!

     







    MobKaz
  • We had this same dilemma - I wanted to elope to Vegas and get the $500 deluxe Elvis package.  A live feed was available for everyone in the world to watch if they wanted to and if anyone wanted to vacation in Vegas so be it & they could come to the chapel as well.  I would still get a gown and suggested we pay for just the MOH and BM to join us (they were a married couple).  Then we'd party in Vegas and have a blast.  When we returned, we would have a huge bbq/picnic in our backyard (we have a large, pretty yard) and no limit on invites.  My fiance didn't want that - he wanted to celebrate with family and friends here at the same time.  In the end, we went with his wishes but are keeping it low key with a $6000 budget - and we did it even with about 100 people.  Either way you can still have the gown and party.  You just can't have 2 "weddings".  Sorry but you need to make a choice!
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    You might be a great candidate for a small wedding like ShesSoCold says. Just because you share some trickles of blood with people doesn't mean they are entitled to come to your wedding. 
    How many family members do you actually see or actively keep in touch with every year? What about your friends- who do you actually keep up with and reach out to and hang out with? Every friend you've ever had and your coworkers don't need to be invited. 
    My DH has a big family, but his mom kept the guest list to her siblings' families and pretty much didn't invite all the other circles. We see her siblings' families frequently but everyone else once in a blue moon, so they didn't make the cut. I also didn't invite all my friends- just the people that I actually make an effort to see by myself, not even people in extended circles that I only see when hanging out with mutual friends.  
    ________________________________


  • You get to have one or the other. Unless you wait until maybe your 10th, 20th or 25th anniversary & do a big party as a vow renewal & celebration
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