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No wedding pary - but photos and maybe a little coordination?

drmarinerdrmariner member
5 Love Its First Comment
edited April 2016 in Wedding Party
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Re: No wedding pary - but photos and maybe a little coordination?

  • drmarinerdrmariner member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Okay...maybe you're correct about the dress but it is *rude* to ask a close friend to be in photos with you??? How do folks normally handle this???
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  • flantasticflantastic member
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    drmariner said:
    Okay...maybe you're correct about the dress but it is *rude* to ask a close friend to be in photos with you??? How do folks normally handle this???
    If these people are not in their bridal party, they take a few pictures with these friends at the reception or cocktail hour.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I think it's fine to ask groups of friends for pictures, right after the ceremony or at the reception. Their SOs can wait right there with them for a few minutes. Honestly a couple of group shots is only going to take 5-10 minutes. I wanted pictures with close friends who weren't in the wedding party. I found them at cocktail hour and asked my photographer to take our picture. You can even give the photographer a list of who you want pictures with at the reception or after the ceremony ahead of time to be sure you don't miss any. 

    Also, please don't ask them to coordinate their clothes. The photos will look beautiful with telling adults how to dress for the day. 
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    If you are glad you have avoided having a bridal party, why are you trying to make these friends a pseudo wedding party? Asking the guys to be ushers and not groomsmen makes no sense to me. Either they are in the bridal party or not. If not, you can't dictate what they wear. As for pictures, you can ask the photographer to take any group pictures you want. At DD's wedding, I had pictures taken with my friends that attended. She had pictures taken with different groups of friends as did SIL. All this was done at the reception (other people were dancing/eating cake). No big deal.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    It really sounds like you want these people to be your bridal party. Now, of course you can't choose your groom's attendants for him, but if you want to have attendants, he can't stop you either.

    Anyway, why make them coordinate for pictures if they're not in the wedding? I assume there are other pictures of these five/four people (your FI and the four guys; you and your friends) together already in which they do not coordinate that are still perfectly lovely pictures.

    As far as getting pictures, I agree that the reception is the best place for it. At the end of our reception, we got a picture with a large group of friends, not all of whom were in the bridal party. It's a great picture.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    drmariner said:
    Okay...maybe you're correct about the dress but it is *rude* to ask a close friend to be in photos with you??? How do folks normally handle this???
    A phonecall works.  "Hey friend, if you can stick around for five minutes after the ceremony, I want a picture with The Crew before the ties come off."  Or, you can wait until the actual event, "Lindsay, go find Brad, I'm going to grab Noah and we'll meet over there by our photographer.  I want a picture of the four of us."
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    charlotte989875 said:
    I think it's fine to ask groups of friends for pictures, right after the ceremony or at the reception. Their SOs can wait right there with them for a few minutes. Honestly a couple of group shots is only going to take 5-10 minutes. I wanted pictures with close friends who weren't in the wedding party. I found them at cocktail hour and asked my photographer to take our picture. You can even give the photographer a list of who you want pictures with at the reception or after the ceremony ahead of time to be sure you don't miss any. 

    Also, please don't ask them to coordinate their clothes. The photos will look beautiful with telling adults how to dress for the day. 
    I agree with the bolded. 

    However, it sounds like you might be missing the only real, important part of a wedding party: having the people who support you the most stand by you during your wedding. Wedding parties don't even NEED to stand up. Can they maybe walk down aisle first, and then take seats in the front row? My friends did this because they had a rather long Catholic mass, and didn't want their party to stand through the whole thing. 

    Either way, don't have them be ushers. If you need bilingual people to help your English speaking family, please hire a bilingual DOC with bilingual assistants or something. 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    drmariner said:
    We are not having a wedding party - it's not a tradition in my fiance's culture, his inner circle is much much larger than mine, our wedding destination is much easier for his guests, and most of my close friends are male. None of which could not be overcome if we were heart set on a bridal party - but yay - avoid the problem.

    The thing is, I want some things I peripherally associate with wedding parties. I absolutely require a staged/posed/set photo of my fiance and his four closest friends. I love the friendships between these guys. I love knowing my fiance has them to lean on and I love the way they've always treated me well. Can we simply ask them to stay after the ceremony for photos? Is it okay to separate them from their dates for the cocktail hour? They all know each other so it shouldn't be uncomfortable for their dates.

     A little trivial part of me would also like them to coordinate their look. Not necessarily match. I thought about giving them each a tie and pocket square in matching colors or sending them out shopping/online with my fiance to find ties in different shades of blue (and us purchasing). Obviously we would ask them if this is something they would like first - but is that a cool idea or controlling?

    Also we have thought about asking his four friends to be ushers. Since our bride/groom family and guests aren't even they could try and even out the seating and I want to make sure there are some bilingual folks circulating to help any guests with questions. (We are marrying in Colombia and most of my guests don't speak Spanish.)

    Similarly there are three friends, one female and two males, that I would like to include in posed photos - as if they were my bridal party. I've considered asking my female friend to wear a blue dress - any shade, style, length, etc. and including my two male friends in whatever color coordination we try for my fiance's friends. Is this too much or reasonable? I'm close enough to my female friend that I think she would tell me if she already had a dress in mind or did not want to wear blue.

    Finally, of these three friends - only one will have a spouse there. She is Thai and speaks good English but can be shy with her English. I feel bad separating her from her husband when she doesn't know anyone else at the wedding might have a magnified language challenge. I thought of being sure to introduce her to several English speaking friends in advance...


    Thanks!

    Miriam


    As PP said, do not ask your friends to dress a certain way.

    I think its fine to ask your friends to stay right after the ceremony to have some photos taken.  But those should be taken first and then they can leave for cocktail hour.  They do not need to stay for the full time you are taking pictures after the ceremony.  Their SOs can also wait for them since they will only be a few minutes.  Explain to your photog you want these pictures with your friends and they should be taken first.

    If you are having a ceremony in a foreign language, it is best to try and have a bilingual officiant.  It's not fair to your family and friends who traveled how far and for how much to not understand a single word of your ceremony.  Or at the least, create programs that have the Spanish ceremony with a translation underneath so your family and friends can at least follow along.

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  • SP29SP29 member
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    It is fine to ask your friends to take some posed photos with you and your FI, but this should be quick, so separating people from their SOs shouldn't be an issue- they can wait near by for 10 mins.

    No to coordinating colours. Seriously, this will not matter. It is the photos with your nearest and dearest friends that you are after, right? That's what you get, and it won't matter what they are wearing.


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  • jacques27jacques27 member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    Just chiming in to agree - yes to quick photos, no to asking them to wear specific clothes.

    It's a party.  On what other party occasion do you ask people to dress alike to "coordinate"?  We don't for graduations or birthdays or anniversaries or retirements.  We take pictures at those occasions, too.  People in photographs don't have to all be wearing the same color.  When you look back at those photographs, do you really think "Gee, I should have told Becky to wear blue.  That orange dress clashes with John's red shirt.  This picture looks like sh*t."  No, you don't.  You remember the occasion that brought them together for that picture and think how nice they look in clothes they decided made them look and feel their best and how happy you are that the occasion took place. 

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  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    I, too, think it's odd that you don't want a wedding party yet want your friends to do things like a wedding party. Yeah, you can get some pics with them, just like you can get pics with any guest. Just ask them and tell your photographer to do it. No need at any point to separate people from their dates, as they can stay nearby whether you do this during the rest of the photos or at the reception.

    Asking them to coordinate clothing in any way is just a big NO.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Hny65Hny65 member
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    It sounds like you want a little formality.  How about Guests of Honor?  You could talk to them “(Name), I hope you know you are very important to (me/groom/us).  Would you like to be a Guest of Honor at our wedding?  We would like you to be in pictures with us and we would provide you with blue ties/pocket squares/sash/wrap to coordinate. What do you think?”

    If they accept, be prepared for more attire questions - I’d advise to be as open as possible so the rest of their clothes is something they already have or could see themselves wearing again.  If your fiancé is wearing a black suit, you could respond with “Do you have dark colored dress pants/suit?”  For your female friend, if she doesn’t have a blue dress or want to buy one, suggest something that would go with a blue sash or wrap - maybe a dark color to go with the guys.  You could also give them boutonnieres and a corsage if you're doing that for parents or other family members and is another nice way to coordinate.  Our parents and officiate asked us our colors and actually offered to coordinate too.

    This way you would be honoring the important people in your life without the rigamarole of the modern traditional wedding party.  The wedding party has evolved so much (from groomsmen being guards to everyone dressing like the bride and groom to confuse evil spirits) that I think you should be able to do what you would like as long as you ask those involved and are clear about what it means.

    I will admit to recently coming over to this line of thought from being involved in two upcoming weddings with this situation (some theme/color coordination, getting ready together in the morning, and a night before wedding dinner/get together).
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  • karaveronicakaraveronica member
    5 Love Its First Comment First Anniversary
    edited March 2016
    As you're close to these people, absolutely talk to them ahead of time and mention you were eager to have some posed shots with them. 
    And if you and your Fiancé want to invite his friends to be users, absolutely do so! Ushers usually coordinate dress so no, you wouldn't be out of line offering to purchase ties and pocket squares for them in coordinating colours. Talk to them ahead of time too - if their significant other has her dress picked out (and colours) don't make the blue mandatory if it won't match. Pick something that accents both the dress and your colours (grey or silver are always nice!) 
    As for your friends, you could invite the boys to be users as well, and ask your girlfirend(s) to do readings or speak if you're so inclined.
    Just remember: you're inviting them to be a part of the celebration and be more involved, it's not a requirement. 
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  • Hny65Hny65 member
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    edited March 2016
    CMGragain said:
    No.  Sorry.  A guest of honor is someone who is being honored by the hosts at an event that is held in their honor.  A wedding is held in honor of the bride and groom. No one tells a guest of honor what to wear.  Shockingly rude!
    Making up a cute title does not change anything.  It is still rude to tell your guests what to wear.
    Either have a bridal party, or don't.  No other options exist.
    Sixty years ago, groomsmen did not wear matching suits or ties.  Most men wore their good dark suit.
    What a fancy cat you have :smile: 

    I forgot Guest of Honor had other uses. I was suggesting calling them something else to signify importance and honor them, since the OP is merging their culture and their fiance's culture lacking wedding parties.  They would have a non-"traditional" party anyway without people standing up and a mixed-gender group on her side.  Might as well call them all one thing.  Friends of Honor? Honor Guard? Entourage? Brigade? OP- just be clear with your friends with what's going on.

    All titles were made up at some point.  Heck, bridesmaid comes from literally being maids and best men from being the best man to help steal the bride from her family!  Being old doesn't mean you have to use it :smile: 

    Like I said, I'm involved in multiple weddings doing away with traditional wedding parties, titles, and standing up.  I originally came back here to see if anyone was talking about modern alternatives, but found more help elsewhere (note OP)  Move along with the times, move along.
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  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Hny65 said:
    CMGragain said:
    No.  Sorry.  A guest of honor is someone who is being honored by the hosts at an event that is held in their honor.  A wedding is held in honor of the bride and groom. No one tells a guest of honor what to wear.  Shockingly rude!
    Making up a cute title does not change anything.  It is still rude to tell your guests what to wear.
    Either have a bridal party, or don't.  No other options exist.
    Sixty years ago, groomsmen did not wear matching suits or ties.  Most men wore their good dark suit.
    What a fancy cat you have :smile: 

    I forgot Guest of Honor had other uses. I was suggesting calling them something else to signify importance and honor them, since the OP is merging their culture and their fiance's culture lacking wedding parties.  They would have a non-"traditional" party anyway without people standing up and a mixed-gender group on her side.  Might as well call them all one thing.  Friends of Honor? Honor Guard? Entourage? Brigade? OP- just be clear with your friends with what's going on.

    All titles were made up at some point.  Heck, bridesmaid comes from literally being maids and best men from being the best man to help steal the bride from her family!  Being old doesn't mean you have to use it :smile: 

    Like I said, I'm involved in multiple weddings doing away with traditional wedding parties, titles, and standing up.  I originally came back here to see if anyone was talking about modern alternatives, but found more help elsewhere (note OP)  Move along with the times, move along.
    I don't have a problem with calling your wedding party something else (I have bridesmaids and bridesmen, myself, but whatever...titles are just words).  However, asking people to work during your wedding (being ushers), or telling them what to wear is rather rude (with the exception of a wedding party, at least in cultures that have them). That's the problem here....there would be no issue with the outfits if OP had a wedding party, but even then she shouldn't ask them to be ushers or do other work. And making something up so she can tell them what to wear but not call them part of the wedding party is like appropriating only the parts of the tradition that serve the bride, not those that honor the WP. 
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  • geebee908geebee908 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Another thought. If you're going to have this coordinated non-bridal party, what happens if a guest who isn't part of that group shows up wearing the non-bridal party color? How will people know who is who? (Picture the preceding text in the sarcasm font please.)
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    karaveronica said:
    As you're close to these people, absolutely talk to them ahead of time and mention you were eager to have some posed shots with them. 
    And if you and your Fiancé want to invite his friends to be users, absolutely do so! Ushers usually coordinate dress so no, you wouldn't be out of line offering to purchase ties and pocket squares for them in coordinating colours. Talk to them ahead of time too - if their significant other has her dress picked out (and colours) don't make the blue mandatory if it won't match. Pick something that accents both the dress and your colours (grey or silver are always nice!) 
    As for your friends, you could invite the boys to be users as well, and ask your girlfirend(s) to do readings or speak if you're so inclined.
    Just remember: you're inviting them to be a part of the celebration and be more involved, it's not a requirement. 
    Is this something people do? Coordinate their outfit with their S/O's outfit? Really?
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ShesSoCold said:
    karaveronica said:
    As you're close to these people, absolutely talk to them ahead of time and mention you were eager to have some posed shots with them. 
    And if you and your Fiancé want to invite his friends to be users, absolutely do so! Ushers usually coordinate dress so no, you wouldn't be out of line offering to purchase ties and pocket squares for them in coordinating colours. Talk to them ahead of time too - if their significant other has her dress picked out (and colours) don't make the blue mandatory if it won't match. Pick something that accents both the dress and your colours (grey or silver are always nice!) 
    As for your friends, you could invite the boys to be users as well, and ask your girlfirend(s) to do readings or speak if you're so inclined.
    Just remember: you're inviting them to be a part of the celebration and be more involved, it's not a requirement. 
    Is this something people do? Coordinate their outfit with their S/O's outfit? Really?
    The last time I did that was for prom.  Now, we purposely make sure we're NOT wearing the same color.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Here's my point of view. My best friend, who was my MOH, is Indian. In her culture, they do not have bridal parties. There are no bridesmaids. Over the years, she's mentioned this to our group of friends (we've all been friends 20+ years). We all understand, and none of us expect to have any special titles when she gets married. We're not going to coordinate our colors (outside of wearing saris). Again, we are all OK with this. We'll be happy to just be there and celebrate. People are perfectly happy to be just a guest. There is no need for special titles and coordinated outfits. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    ShesSoCold said:
    karaveronica said:
    As you're close to these people, absolutely talk to them ahead of time and mention you were eager to have some posed shots with them. 
    And if you and your Fiancé want to invite his friends to be users, absolutely do so! Ushers usually coordinate dress so no, you wouldn't be out of line offering to purchase ties and pocket squares for them in coordinating colours. Talk to them ahead of time too - if their significant other has her dress picked out (and colours) don't make the blue mandatory if it won't match. Pick something that accents both the dress and your colours (grey or silver are always nice!) 
    As for your friends, you could invite the boys to be users as well, and ask your girlfirend(s) to do readings or speak if you're so inclined.
    Just remember: you're inviting them to be a part of the celebration and be more involved, it's not a requirement. 
    Is this something people do? Coordinate their outfit with their S/O's outfit? Really?
    I know no one that does this.  And if they did I would probably be internally giggling at them.

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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Maggie0829 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    karaveronica said:
    As you're close to these people, absolutely talk to them ahead of time and mention you were eager to have some posed shots with them. 
    And if you and your Fiancé want to invite his friends to be users, absolutely do so! Ushers usually coordinate dress so no, you wouldn't be out of line offering to purchase ties and pocket squares for them in coordinating colours. Talk to them ahead of time too - if their significant other has her dress picked out (and colours) don't make the blue mandatory if it won't match. Pick something that accents both the dress and your colours (grey or silver are always nice!) 
    As for your friends, you could invite the boys to be users as well, and ask your girlfirend(s) to do readings or speak if you're so inclined.
    Just remember: you're inviting them to be a part of the celebration and be more involved, it's not a requirement. 
    Is this something people do? Coordinate their outfit with their S/O's outfit? Really?
    I know no one that does this.  And if they did I would probably be internally giggling at them.
    I don't know if all my giggling would be internal.  I might slip up.
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  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    H and I are coordinating our outfits for DB's wedding this fall. By that, I mean we will wear complimenting colors and not intentionally clash with the WP/color scheme for any pictures we might be in.
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  • artbyallieartbyallie mod
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    JaxInBlue said:
    adk19 said:
    Maggie0829 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    karaveronica said:
    As you're close to these people, absolutely talk to them ahead of time and mention you were eager to have some posed shots with them. 
    And if you and your Fiancé want to invite his friends to be users, absolutely do so! Ushers usually coordinate dress so no, you wouldn't be out of line offering to purchase ties and pocket squares for them in coordinating colours. Talk to them ahead of time too - if their significant other has her dress picked out (and colours) don't make the blue mandatory if it won't match. Pick something that accents both the dress and your colours (grey or silver are always nice!) 
    As for your friends, you could invite the boys to be users as well, and ask your girlfirend(s) to do readings or speak if you're so inclined.
    Just remember: you're inviting them to be a part of the celebration and be more involved, it's not a requirement. 
    Is this something people do? Coordinate their outfit with their S/O's outfit? Really?
    I know no one that does this.  And if they did I would probably be internally giggling at them.
    I don't know if all my giggling would be internal.  I might slip up.
    I will cop to coordinating DH's outfit and mine for events where there is a chance we could have a nice picture of us taken.  Not ever matchy, matchy a la Justin and Brittany in denim or Kim and Kanye most days of the week - but I have suggested his orange tie when I wear navy and stuff like that. 
    We don't actually plan it, but we frequently wear a similar color scheme by coincidence.
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