How to handle a tense situation with former close friend and future sister-in-law...

[Deleted User]

My fiancé and I met through his younger sister. I was her college roommate and she asked me to be the MOH in her wedding. During the fun and crazy planning period I met her older brother, and we totally clicked. We started hanging out and dating about 9 months before my friend’s wedding. I told her we were seeing each other after our second date, telling her we’d hung out that we were really clicking and that of course none of this would interfere with her wedding planning or my being present for her during that time. And I stuck to my word, however my friend stopped talking to me for about 5 months, until it was really close to the day and she was over whelmed and needed help. I of course jumped in.

Ever sense there’s been almost 0 communication between the two of us, even though I’ve been with her brother, my now fiancé, for 3.5 years. When we got engaged she sent a congratulations card and only texted with my fiancé about it, asking for a picture of the ring. When I sent it I received a smile emoji and nothing else. She will only text if she absolutely has to. They now live on the other side of the country so for the most part this isn’t in my daily life any more, which is good as I’m a people pleaser and this was really killing me for a time.

 

That said I’ve chosen my bridal party and she’s not in it. I still get questions from people, mostly 3rd party removed from the situation asking if she’s in the wedding and sometimes they’re surprised that she’s not at all.  Is this the right thing to do? To top it all off, my fiancé wants to ask my brother to be in his party, they’ve grown really close and get along famously. 

I know having her in the party would cast a sort of shadow over the bridal party vibe as my MOH doesn’t get along with her at all and one of my other bridesmaids was in the sister’s wedding and  was torn between myself and my fiances sister the whole time, making for a very awkward situation.

How can I navigate this without creating any more hard feelings between myself and my fiance’s sister? Is there a way I can honor her in the wedding without having her be part of the party?

Any advice VERY much appreciated!

lnixon8

Ask her to be a reader. Who cares if 3rd party people removed from situation are surprised? 

[Deleted User]

This does sound like a tough situation.  Maybe have your FI talk to her and see how she feels.  She can always stand on his side, but probably the best solution is to ask her to be a reader - that is if she would like to play a role in the wedding. She may tell your FI that she would prefer to attend your wedding just as a guest.

flantastic

Knottie1451160295 said:

My fiancé and I met through his younger sister. I was her college roommate and she asked me to be the MOH in her wedding. During the fun and crazy planning period I met her older brother, and we totally clicked. We started hanging out and dating about 9 months before my friend’s wedding. I told her we were seeing each other after our second date, telling her we’d hung out that we were really clicking and that of course none of this would interfere with her wedding planning or my being present for her during that time. And I stuck to my word, however my friend stopped talking to me for about 5 months, until it was really close to the day and she was over whelmed and needed help. I of course jumped in.

Ever sense there’s been almost 0 communication between the two of us, even though I’ve been with her brother, my now fiancé, for 3.5 years. When we got engaged she sent a congratulations card and only texted with my fiancé about it, asking for a picture of the ring. When I sent it I received a smile emoji and nothing else. She will only text if she absolutely has to. They now live on the other side of the country so for the most part this isn’t in my daily life any more, which is good as I’m a people pleaser and this was really killing me for a time.

 

That said I’ve chosen my bridal party and she’s not in it. I still get questions from people, mostly 3rd party removed from the situation asking if she’s in the wedding and sometimes they’re surprised that she’s not at all.  Is this the right thing to do? To top it all off, my fiancé wants to ask my brother to be in his party, they’ve grown really close and get along famously. 

I know having her in the party would cast a sort of shadow over the bridal party vibe as my MOH doesn’t get along with her at all and one of my other bridesmaids was in the sister’s wedding and  was torn between myself and my fiances sister the whole time, making for a very awkward situation.

How can I navigate this without creating any more hard feelings between myself and my fiance’s sister? Is there a way I can honor her in the wedding without having her be part of the party?

Any advice VERY much appreciated!

The bolded is really strange to me. I understand wanting to give a heads-up to your friend that you're dating their sibling, but how on earth could you dating someone interfere with preparations for her wedding? Were you supposed to put your own life totally on hold until her wedding so you could be on call 24/7?

However, it's also really strange that she stopped talking to you after that. I feel like there's a piece of this we're missing, or she's super crazy bridezilla.

Anyway, for whatever reason, you're no longer close, and you don't need to have her in your bridal party. If your FI is close to her, he can have her on his side of the bridal party, or you can have her do a reading. No other positions are honors.

pinkcow13

 I'm going based on what you stated, so I don't know if there's more to this story, but it seems like she made her bed and now she needs to lay in it. Yea she *might* be hurt, but she should expect not being in your wedding being that she chose to distance herself from you. If it were my wedding, unless my H wanted her on his side, she would have no role in the wedding as we didn't have any readers. Nor would I have made her a reader since I didn't want any,  just to soothe her wounds. Since this person is no longer your friend, and is your FI's sister, I think you should leave it completely up to him what role she should have at your wedding, if any at all.

lembaslover

I agree with PPs if FI wants her in the wedding he can ask her to stand on his side. I personally wouldn't make her a reader to soothe things over but if you feel like that's the right move then that would be another appropriate role for her. 

I'm curious is there more in the backstory of why she stopped talking to you? Was she just mad that you were dating her brother so when you told her that you were she just instantly stopped or did something else happen? You obviously don't have to tell us, I'm just nosy.

Either way (more back story or not) let your FI decide what her role is, and if she's just a guest that is fine too. It shouldn't be a surprise to her after not talking to you for 3.5 years.

climbingsingle

She clearly didn't care to continue a friendship with you so you shouldn't feel bad for not including her. She can stand up on your FI's side if he wants. If anyone brings it up, just change the subject. It's none of their business anyway. 

Jen4948

Since she didn't seem interested in being friends with you (although I have to wonder why), I don't think you're obligated to ask her to be in your wedding party-or to explain to anyone why she isn't.

Should someone ask, I'd respond with "I gave it some thought, but ultimately I decided to choose the people I feel closest to.  Bean dip?"

Heffalump

I agree with all of the PPs and just wanted to add that this sounds like an appropriate response:

Knottie1451160295 said:

When we got engaged she sent a congratulations card and only texted with my fiancé about it, asking for a picture of the ring. When I sent it I received a smile emoji and nothing else.

A card and two texts (incl. one emoji) sound more than sufficient, but this reads as though you're aggrieved.  I mean, like, did you want the balloon emoji too, or the one with all the confetti?  It's not like she sent the smiling poo. 

JediElizabeth

Heffalump said:

I agree with all of the PPs and just wanted to add that this sounds like an appropriate response:

Knottie1451160295 said:

When we got engaged she sent a congratulations card and only texted with my fiancé about it, asking for a picture of the ring. When I sent it I received a smile emoji and nothing else.

A card and two texts (incl. one emoji) sound more than sufficient, but this reads as though you're aggrieved.  I mean, like, did you want the balloon emoji too, or the one with all the confetti?  It's not like she sent the smiling poo. 

For a stranger, maybe. If I sent someone I'd consider a friend a personal picture (of an e-ring or anything else) and ALL I heard back was an emoji, then radio silence for days, I'd feel blown off. 

I wouldn't consider this woman a friend, though, and would only want her in the wedding party on the groom's side, if he wants her there. 

downtondiva

I find it very strange that your friend suddenly stopped communicating with you after you started dating her brother. Are we to take it that she has some sort of problem with your relationship? 

Whatever the cause, you and she aren't close anymore, and there's no reason for you to include her in your wedding party if you don't want to. If your FI would like her on his side, then let him. As for people asking, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Your wedding party is your decision and your decision alone.

[Deleted User]

Thanks everyone. It does help to to hear that I'm not crazy for not having her in the party. It's hard because I don't want to give her any more ammo to make family events more awkward but I just need to realize it's her reaction and I can't change what I want to please one person who's darn near impossible to please.

flantastic to answer your question - she's a very strange duck. She's currently not speaking with her father because he chose to share some family information (people getting divorced) via text. She thought it warranted a phone call and so now he's getting frozen out.

She has a very particular view of the world and the second you step outside of her thought of where you should be in her life you're written off. She also did this with a friend who adopted out her dog to a new family when she got divorced and ended up being a single mom with a 2 hour commute to work every day...

Thanks again everyone.

MesmrEwe

Blood talks to blood - chances are there's something with her brother going on from who knows when (maybe sibling rivalry).  Let FI ask her if she wants to be involved in any capacity (reader is a good cross-country position<wink> or Groomswoman if that's what HE wants), but it sounds like if she does attend it'll be on her terms since she's so busy shutting people out of her life...

OliveOilsMom

While I don't think you need to have FSIL as a BMs, it might be a good thing to reach out to her at some point and just say. "FSIL, we used to be really good friends and for some reason, we have drifted apart (don't blame her - even if that seems like what happened).  Since we will be ILs and in each other's life for the rest of our lives, I'd like to put aside the past.  I hope that we can be friends again." 

It might be enough of an olive branch that the awkwardness stops.  But if she is as odd a duck as you say, she probably would just keep the awkwardness going, which means nothing was lost.