I don't know how to invite my cousin and not her husband

Knottie1455669414

My cousin and I were very close while growing up-- in recent years, however, our lives have become very different. She's married to a man who is openly in a white supremacist group. Her husband has chided me on facebook for my "progressive" (read: normal) views and I DO NOT want him at my wedding, not only because I think he's a terrible human being, but because I don't want him making anyone else at my wedding uncomfortable. Is there a way that I can invite my cousin without involving her husband or should I just choose the lesser evil and not invite my cousin at all? 

SP29

And what about the views of your cousin? Is she still the same person you used to be close with?

Baring a person who has committed physical abuse, posters on here would say (and I agree), yes you always invite someone's SO, not liking someone is not a reason not to- OR, invite neither.

Personally, I feel someone who is so aligned with such a strong political/social/moral group is pretty serious, and I can see why you don't want him around. But, why is your cousin married to such a person? If your cousin is truly happy with this man, you either invite both, accepting her choice of partner, or invite neither because being married to an asshat means you don't get invited places all the time.

At the same time, if your cousin is not in a good place, I would say invite her with her husband, because if you don't invite him he can use that to draw her away from the family toward him. With this last part, I'm talking in general, not just about your cousin. We've had posters come on here and say how much they really love their cousin/friend/whatever but hate their spouse and truly think the spouse is not a good person. While some might say sure, go against etiquette, it does come down that inviting one but not the other puts the person you do care about in an awkward position choosing family/friends over their spouse.

From your post, it doesn't sound like you are very close with this cousin anymore. I would evaluate where this cousin falls on your "must have" list- do you REALLY want her there? Otherwise I would strongly consider not inviting her.

[Deleted User]

Knottie1455669414 said:

My cousin and I were very close while growing up-- in recent years, however, our lives have become very different. She's married to a man who is openly in a white supremacist group. Her husband has chided me on facebook for my "progressive" (read: normal) views and I DO NOT want him at my wedding, not only because I think he's a terrible human being, but because I don't want him making anyone else at my wedding uncomfortable. Is there a way that I can invite my cousin without involving her husband or should I just choose the lesser evil and not invite my cousin at all? 

My mom's best friend is married to a racist ass.  I've been to their house for Christmas Eve dinner, for graduation parties of their daughter, and I do my best to avoid him.  He will never get an invite to my home or to any event I plan and host.  This means my mom's best friend also doesn't get invited.  She's the one that chose this loser, the result is that she no longer gets invited to places where cool people hang out.

sarals24

Don't invite your cousin if you aren't prepared to invite her husband.

sarals24

BTW, not condoning racism, etc. Doesn't sound like someone I'd want at my wedding. But it will be a whole less dramatic if you don't invite either of them. If she asks, you can tell her that her husband is a racist POS (probably a nicer way to say that, of course)

mntravelingmama

You either invite them both, or not at all.

drunkenwitch

If you choose to marry a racist POS then that has consequences , and your friends and family not inviting you to events is one of them.  Don't invite your cousin, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be around someone like him and I would seriously question my relationship with anyone who married someone like that. 

climbingsingle

Personally I wouldn't invite them. If you're married to such a disgusting person, I don't want to know you and I certainly don't want to invite you to anything. But yes, you should either invite both or neither. You can't invite her without her husband. 

Jen4948

Unfortunately, there is no polite way to invite her without inviting him as well.

[Deleted User]

So I'm sort of against the grain here, but I find being an open member of a white supremacist group to fall into the "violent" category and it's enough justification to go against conventional etiquette.  That's not to say that this is the course of action OP should take. 

What group is he a member of?  The Klan should be considered a terrorist organization (and I think in some places it is?), and if you have anyone non-white or LGBTQIA+ (among other groups) then they can reasonably fear for their safety with any of its members around.  Just because he has never committed an act of physical violence, he is still associated with a group that has an ideology that condones some of the most horrific acts in the last century.  His group, whichever it may be, spews propaganda that has inspired and justifies murder and torture.

Now, this begs the question: why is she married to him?  Is there domestic abuse?  Is she also a member (perhaps less openly) to this group?  The only acceptable response to someone being in a white supremacist group is utter disgust and contempt, which apparently is not her reaction.  She's either a victim, in which case like PP said, you need to tread carefully because isolating her will give him power, or she's complicit, in which case she shouldn't get an invite either.

I would at the very least have security present and ask him to leave at the smallest whiff of white supremacy.  

LondonLisa

Spoonsey said:

So I'm sort of against the grain here, but I find being an open member of a white supremacist group to fall into the "violent" category and it's enough justification to go against conventional etiquette.  That's not to say that this is the course of action OP should take. 

What group is he a member of?  The Klan should be considered a terrorist organization (and I think in some places it is?), and if you have anyone non-white or LGBTQIA+ (among other groups) then they can reasonably fear for their safety with any of its members around.  Just because he has never committed an act of physical violence, he is still associated with a group that has an ideology that condones some of the most horrific acts in the last century.  His group, whichever it may be, spews propaganda that has inspired and justifies murder and torture.

Now, this begs the question: why is she married to him?  Is there domestic abuse?  Is she also a member (perhaps less openly) to this group?  The only acceptable response to someone being in a white supremacist group is utter disgust and contempt, which apparently is not her reaction.  She's either a victim, in which case like PP said, you need to tread carefully because isolating her will give him power, or she's complicit, in which case she shouldn't get an invite either.

I would at the very least have security present and ask him to leave at the smallest whiff of white supremacy.  

I definitely think this jerk should not be invited. But I would also be reevaluating my relationship with my cousin. Anyone who condones this behaviour deserves to be alienated. This isn't disagreeing about politics, this is being a racist extremist. I think they both should be off the list and if dear cousin asks why, I would have no problem saying "our family does not condone racism and are dissapointed that you do"

sparklepants41

LondonLisa said:

Spoonsey said:

So I'm sort of against the grain here, but I find being an open member of a white supremacist group to fall into the "violent" category and it's enough justification to go against conventional etiquette.  That's not to say that this is the course of action OP should take. 

What group is he a member of?  The Klan should be considered a terrorist organization (and I think in some places it is?), and if you have anyone non-white or LGBTQIA+ (among other groups) then they can reasonably fear for their safety with any of its members around.  Just because he has never committed an act of physical violence, he is still associated with a group that has an ideology that condones some of the most horrific acts in the last century.  His group, whichever it may be, spews propaganda that has inspired and justifies murder and torture.

Now, this begs the question: why is she married to him?  Is there domestic abuse?  Is she also a member (perhaps less openly) to this group?  The only acceptable response to someone being in a white supremacist group is utter disgust and contempt, which apparently is not her reaction.  She's either a victim, in which case like PP said, you need to tread carefully because isolating her will give him power, or she's complicit, in which case she shouldn't get an invite either.

I would at the very least have security present and ask him to leave at the smallest whiff of white supremacy.  

I definitely think this jerk should not be invited. But I would also be reevaluating my relationship with my cousin. Anyone who condones this behaviour deserves to be alienated. This isn't disagreeing about politics, this is being a racist extremist. I think they both should be off the list and if dear cousin asks why, I would have no problem saying "our family does not condone racism and are dissapointed that you do"

Amen. Bolded and quoted because I wish I could like this more than once.

AddieCake

I wouldn't invite either of them. If your cousin chooses to be with someone like that, that's her business. But it's your business whether or not you want to associate with someone who apparently condones the behavior or with him.