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Destination Weddings

How To do Save the Dates for DW and AHR?

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Re: How To do Save the Dates for DW and AHR?

  • edited March 2016
    Well, thank you for stating your opinion (because that is what it is) as gospel. You don't need to like destination weddings-go make a big fairy tale wedding and blow 40k. That is fine. To each their own - that's just not what I want to do. Opinions-get it??

    Youre right though on one thing, it IS fine for folks who want to marry away! It's not more important than my guests because we are not having guests! It's our day, our commitment and what WE want to do. If I lived for everyone else (guests included) then I'd never get to live how I want to! We would like to celebrate what we've done with loved ones and plan to host a nice party. It's not a conciliation party-it's a celebration in which all of our loved ones who have broadened minds are happy for the commitment that WE made to EACH OTHER. Our commitment is about us really, at the end of the day. We don't want gifts (part of the reason for not having the large traditional wedding too) and want it to be about our commitment-not hosting guests.

    That at being said-I love any kind of wedding. My hope always, when attending weddings and/or AHR's is that the couple did everything they wanted. Because it IS about them - it's their day. So whatever it is that they chose-I am happy for them. And that is just how it should be.
    Putting the costs on guests (if one has them) only makes a DW seem less expensive. It is not something to act holier-than-thou over.

    Getting married where you want is fine. Having or not having whatever guests you want is fine. But people truly do not care so much about your wedding that they are desperate to attend whatever consolation prize not-really-a-wedding that you choose to throw. I don't have a problem with having a non-wedding-related party. It does bother me when people treat something like a reception that is not on the day they got married. So have your wedding however you want, but don't kid yourself that you are celebrating the event with people you didn't invite to witness it.
    image
    Maggie0829[Deleted User]AddieCake
  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited March 2016

    It's threads like this that frustrate me. This is a DW page, so you can post DW questions here. I had a beautiful DW and an at home party. My wedding was awesome, and my family and friends enjoyed the at home party as well.  We were selfish for choosing a DW. Fine, but I'm not going to feel badly about it, and if you properly host your guests (if you choose to have them), then you shouldn't either. If some of the posts come across as trying to shame you for your DW choice, ignore those posts and move on.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    ready2wed59Knottie6394f6b22a913594
  • Who is throwing two parties? We're having a ceremony away from home, destination wedding. Legal marriage - 10/15 minutes on the beach while we're away. When we come home - we will have a celebration with everyone. 
    No one is pretending to be a bride, it's a catered event at a home - and it's a party. 

    The original poster also is having a destination wedding, then an AHR. I didn't see where she said she'd be acting like a bride, but I may have missed that. That being said, I also wouldn't get butt hurt over that either - if I didn't want to spend the thousands to attend the wedding in the Vatican - then I'd be thrilled to attend their AHR.  If she wanted to have a first dance (and it VERY well may BE their first dance as man and wife if that's how they planned it) then I think it's sweet. I wouldn't get all up in arms about it. 

    I've been to symbolic ceremonies where they were legally married first and then had their 'dream wedding' where they had another ceremony in their choice location. It just isn't that big of a deal. EVERYONE has a choice, if it bothers you that much - don' t go to one of them, or either. Not everyone wants to spend 40k or have an event where 100-plus people staring at you. Some people rather a casual party to celebrate. Which happens to be a couple of my many reasons to do it the way that we are. I don't want a lot of people staring at us, watching every move...we don't want guests to feel obligated to spend money on gifts - we don't need anything. A casual party will be just that - we're comfortable with that. It IS OUR marriage, right?

    I think everyone is SO hung up on traditional weddings, how they always were 50 or more years ago and lets face it - it's about the couple and their commitment. If they want to HOST a party after the fact - then of course you'll want to take care of your guests - just like you would at any party. Who wrote the rules it has to be immediately following the ceremony?! Lets move into the time period we're living in...really, we have options now...People are hung up so selfishly sometimes! It's NOT about you if it's not your wedding!  I'd be honored to celebrate in any capacity I was included. Just as long as it makes their day everything they had hoped. 
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    And quite honestly Jelles-perhaps some of your potential "just kidding" guests felt they weren't important enough to be involved in even a celebration, no aspect of your commitment at all. If we go by your theory. 

    Id bet most people feel that it is your choice, your day, your commitment and you do what you feel is best for you. If anyone feels differently-I feel it's selfish! It's just not about them! I just couldn't imagine being hurt because someone eloped. Or feel slighted if they had an AHR after. It's 2016- not 1932.


    I was asking you about your wedding because I didn't know if it was a true elopement (no one knows your plans) or if your plans were made with the blessing/knowledge of what would have been your VIP guests. I'm not knocking your plans, I'm just trying to understand the dynamics of your situation.

    In my case, no one had any hard feelings. We got married, told them we got married, and left it at that. I know we had the support of both families after we told them because both sets of parents breathed a sigh of relief that they didn't have to deal with a traditional wedding. I know it was genuine, too, because of the issues we both had with our first weddings/marriages.

    My point was that if you choose to not involved anyone, and leave it at that, then they may get upset that they missed out, but everyone, everywhere missed out. They can be upset about it, but they do need to respect the wishes of the couple. No one is entitled to a wedding invitation. However, they can have their feelings and then move on. With a celebration party, it's more "hey, I didn't involve anyone in my wedding but now let's talk about that wedding that no one got to see". Of course, not everyone would be upset or offended by that, but some people may be hurt by it. It's okay to involve and share with everyone after the fact, but not during the actual event?

    Personally, I see nothing wrong with your plans as long as you host your party properly, but I also don't see the point. Location and a private commitment was your priority, as it was mine. For anyone in this situation, to me, the party seems to defeat the purpose. You got married where you wanted to, in a very private setting, keeping things all about the commitment. So, why have a party to AW all of it? If I had planned any type of celebration of my marriage, it wouldn't be wedding-related at all. I would have planned a super small, immediate family only, dinner at a nice local restaurant to just have a family GTG. Low key, intimate, and not garnering any attention- just like my wedding.

     







    [Deleted User]
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    It's threads like this that frustrate me. This is a DW page, so you can post DW questions here. I had a beautiful DW and an at home party. My wedding was awesome, and my family and friends enjoyed the at home party as well.  We were selfish for choosing a DW. Fine, but I'm not going to feel badly about it, and if you properly host your guests (if you choose to have them), then you shouldn't either. If some of the posts come across as trying to shame you for your DW choice, ignore those posts and move on.


    There is definitely a fine line with DWs. I obviously had one and support them. But, I also see some of the posts on here where people's DW plans are not exactly etiquette-driven. The couple just wants to have a cool wedding with pretty pictures and does not think about how it impacts their guests. Others plan appropriately- take great care to choose a location that suits their VIPs, understands that not everyone can attend, and for those that were invited that could not make it, an AHR is held to celebrate.

    I think OP's plans are okay, as long as it's not a complete re-do of the wedding. I also think the other knottie#'s plans seem okay, though it was of my opinion that it defeated the purpose. If she had a DW with some attendees and a lot of declines because of the location, then I would totally get the idea of having a larger AHR.


     







  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Who is throwing two parties? We're having a ceremony away from home, destination wedding. Legal marriage - 10/15 minutes on the beach while we're away. When we come home - we will have a celebration with everyone. 
    No one is pretending to be a bride, it's a catered event at a home - and it's a party. 

    The original poster also is having a destination wedding, then an AHR. I didn't see where she said she'd be acting like a bride, but I may have missed that. That being said, I also wouldn't get butt hurt over that either - if I didn't want to spend the thousands to attend the wedding in the Vatican - then I'd be thrilled to attend their AHR.  If she wanted to have a first dance (and it VERY well may BE their first dance as man and wife if that's how they planned it) then I think it's sweet. I wouldn't get all up in arms about it. 

    I've been to symbolic ceremonies where they were legally married first and then had their 'dream wedding' where they had another ceremony in their choice location. It just isn't that big of a deal. EVERYONE has a choice, if it bothers you that much - don' t go to one of them, or either. Not everyone wants to spend 40k or have an event where 100-plus people staring at you. Some people rather a casual party to celebrate. Which happens to be a couple of my many reasons to do it the way that we are. I don't want a lot of people staring at us, watching every move...we don't want guests to feel obligated to spend money on gifts - we don't need anything. A casual party will be just that - we're comfortable with that. It IS OUR marriage, right?

    I think everyone is SO hung up on traditional weddings, how they always were 50 or more years ago and lets face it - it's about the couple and their commitment. If they want to HOST a party after the fact - then of course you'll want to take care of your guests - just like you would at any party. Who wrote the rules it has to be immediately following the ceremony?! Lets move into the time period we're living in...really, we have options now...People are hung up so selfishly sometimes! It's NOT about you if it's not your wedding!  I'd be honored to celebrate in any capacity I was included. Just as long as it makes their day everything they had hoped. 

    It sounds like your plans are lovely and you have given thought to how to properly host your party. It can definitely be all about you as a couple during your wedding since you have chosen to not invite any guests. Once you invite people, it can no longer be all about you, as you have to properly host your guests and follow etiquette to ensure everyone is comfortable. A reception, after all, is a thank you to those who attended your ceremony.

    My opinion is slightly different on how I would have handled the party, but again, it sounds like you are putting a lot of thought into making sure everyone knows the situation and is comfortable during the celebration.

     







  • Well, thank you for stating your opinion (because that is what it is) as gospel. You don't need to like destination weddings-go make a big fairy tale wedding and blow 40k. That is fine. To each their own - that's just not what I want to do. Opinions-get it??

    Youre right though on one thing, it IS fine for folks who want to marry away! It's not more important than my guests because we are not having guests! It's our day, our commitment and what WE want to do. If I lived for everyone else (guests included) then I'd never get to live how I want to! We would like to celebrate what we've done with loved ones and plan to host a nice party. It's not a conciliation party-it's a celebration in which all of our loved ones who have broadened minds are happy for the commitment that WE made to EACH OTHER. Our commitment is about us really, at the end of the day. We don't want gifts (part of the reason for not having the large traditional wedding too) and want it to be about our commitment-not hosting guests.

    That at being said-I love any kind of wedding. My hope always, when attending weddings and/or AHR's is that the couple did everything they wanted. Because it IS about them - it's their day. So whatever it is that they chose-I am happy for them. And that is just how it should be.
    Putting the costs on guests (if one has them) only makes a DW seem less expensive. It is not something to act holier-than-thou over.

    Getting married where you want is fine. Having or not having whatever guests you want is fine. But people truly do not care so much about your wedding that they are desperate to attend whatever consolation prize not-really-a-wedding that you choose to throw. I don't have a problem with having a non-wedding-related party. It does bother me when people treat something like a reception that is not on the day they got married. So have your wedding however you want, but don't kid yourself that you are celebrating the event with people you didn't invite to witness it.
    I am not sure why it's a 'consolation' prize. So we aren't 'Kidding ourselves" and I assure you, it WILL be in fact a celebration of our nuptials - that our family is thrilled to celebrate along with us. If you want to stick your nose in the air at it, because it may  held on a different date than the legal ceremony - then so be it. I assure you - I know no one that feels this way. Too stuffy & closed minded for our taste. Like I said - to each their own.  So you hold your typical wedding, invite everyone and do it your way - it does not mean that folks that have destination weddings and host a party after think less of their loved ones...and shame on you for even suggesting so. 
  • It's threads like this that frustrate me. This is a DW page, so you can post DW questions here. I had a beautiful DW and an at home party. My wedding was awesome, and my family and friends enjoyed the at home party as well.  We were selfish for choosing a DW. Fine, but I'm not going to feel badly about it, and if you properly host your guests (if you choose to have them), then you shouldn't either. If some of the posts come across as trying to shame you for your DW choice, ignore those posts and move on.

  • And quite honestly Jelles-perhaps some of your potential "just kidding" guests felt they weren't important enough to be involved in even a celebration, no aspect of your commitment at all. If we go by your theory. 

    Id bet most people feel that it is your choice, your day, your commitment and you do what you feel is best for you. If anyone feels differently-I feel it's selfish! It's just not about them! I just couldn't imagine being hurt because someone eloped. Or feel slighted if they had an AHR after. It's 2016- not 1932.


    I was asking you about your wedding because I didn't know if it was a true elopement (no one knows your plans) or if your plans were made with the blessing/knowledge of what would have been your VIP guests. I'm not knocking your plans, I'm just trying to understand the dynamics of your situation.

    In my case, no one had any hard feelings. We got married, told them we got married, and left it at that. I know we had the support of both families after we told them because both sets of parents breathed a sigh of relief that they didn't have to deal with a traditional wedding. I know it was genuine, too, because of the issues we both had with our first weddings/marriages.

    My point was that if you choose to not involved anyone, and leave it at that, then they may get upset that they missed out, but everyone, everywhere missed out. They can be upset about it, but they do need to respect the wishes of the couple. No one is entitled to a wedding invitation. However, they can have their feelings and then move on. With a celebration party, it's more "hey, I didn't involve anyone in my wedding but now let's talk about that wedding that no one got to see". Of course, not everyone would be upset or offended by that, but some people may be hurt by it. It's okay to involve and share with everyone after the fact, but not during the actual event?

    Personally, I see nothing wrong with your plans as long as you host your party properly, but I also don't see the point. Location and a private commitment was your priority, as it was mine. For anyone in this situation, to me, the party seems to defeat the purpose. You got married where you wanted to, in a very private setting, keeping things all about the commitment. So, why have a party to AW all of it? If I had planned any type of celebration of my marriage, it wouldn't be wedding-related at all. I would have planned a super small, immediate family only, dinner at a nice local restaurant to just have a family GTG. Low key, intimate, and not garnering any attention- just like my wedding.

    Which is totally fine having something small, or not at all. I don't think it defeats the purpose though. My family would be upset if we didn't celebrate at all. They WANT to see the photos and hear about our trip and wedding. By no means will feel offended. We don't plan to do any of the traditional things like you would see at a reception, but I'd go as far to say - even that's fine. 

    If you want to break your wedding up into two days and have something private between you and your SO for the ceremony & then celebrate with all the other things WITH family after, that's totally fine. Some people just may like their vows to be something private between JUST them and enjoy the party after. I don't see any harm in it, nor do I think there should be any hurt feelings. 

  • I attended a DW in Jamaica for one of my very good friends. Truth be told, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Yes, it cost a lot of money to attend, and yes, I had to take time of from work. To me, it was worth it to be there. 

    What I can't always get behind is this "wedding tour" that seems to have become so popular. If you have a DW, I don't understand the need for an AHR. You chose to get married in another state or another country. That's your choice. Why the need for another party? If it was so important to you to have some people in attendance, you would have had the wedding at home. 
    It's fine that we're getting married where we want. I also agree, the one destination wedding we attended, was probably my favorite as well!

    We just want to celebrate our happy time with loved ones. That's the point of the celebration after. Honestly, it's probably a relief for many - now they can come, celebrate & relax at our party. It doesn't end up being such a 'thing' - except for us who are hosting the nice party. I seriously doubt anyone would be offended that they're coming to a nice party to celebrate us. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I attended a DW in Jamaica for one of my very good friends. Truth be told, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Yes, it cost a lot of money to attend, and yes, I had to take time of from work. To me, it was worth it to be there. 

    What I can't always get behind is this "wedding tour" that seems to have become so popular. If you have a DW, I don't understand the need for an AHR. You chose to get married in another state or another country. That's your choice. Why the need for another party? If it was so important to you to have some people in attendance, you would have had the wedding at home. 
    It's fine that we're getting married where we want. I also agree, the one destination wedding we attended, was probably my favorite as well!

    We just want to celebrate our happy time with loved ones. That's the point of the celebration after. Honestly, it's probably a relief for many - now they can come, celebrate & relax at our party. It doesn't end up being such a 'thing' - except for us who are hosting the nice party. I seriously doubt anyone would be offended that they're coming to a nice party to celebrate us. 
    Actually some people may not be overly thrilled with your plans.  You want to celebrate something with them, that by your plans, they could not attend.

    I had a local wedding.  There were people who couldn't make it.  I didn't feel it necessary to have another party just to celebrate with them.  So I don't see why these parties are so okay and accepted just because you are having a DW. To me, a wedding is a one day thing.  Those who can make it, great.  Those who can't, oh well, it isn't the end of the world.  But if the most important part is celebrating with your loved one's then having a DW is not the best option.

    [Deleted User]AddieCake
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I attended a DW in Jamaica for one of my very good friends. Truth be told, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Yes, it cost a lot of money to attend, and yes, I had to take time of from work. To me, it was worth it to be there. 

    What I can't always get behind is this "wedding tour" that seems to have become so popular. If you have a DW, I don't understand the need for an AHR. You chose to get married in another state or another country. That's your choice. Why the need for another party? If it was so important to you to have some people in attendance, you would have had the wedding at home. 
    It's fine that we're getting married where we want. I also agree, the one destination wedding we attended, was probably my favorite as well!

    We just want to celebrate our happy time with loved ones. That's the point of the celebration after. Honestly, it's probably a relief for many - now they can come, celebrate & relax at our party. It doesn't end up being such a 'thing' - except for us who are hosting the nice party. I seriously doubt anyone would be offended that they're coming to a nice party to celebrate us. 
    Actually some people may not be overly thrilled with your plans.  You want to celebrate something with them, that by your plans, they could not attend.

    I had a local wedding.  There were people who couldn't make it.  I didn't feel it necessary to have another party just to celebrate with them.  So I don't see why these parties are so okay and accepted just because you are having a DW. To me, a wedding is a one day thing.  Those who can make it, great.  Those who can't, oh well, it isn't the end of the world.  But if the most important part is celebrating with your loved one's then having a DW is not the best option.
    Yes to the bolded. We had a few friends that couldn't attend. My FIL couldn't attend due to his health. We missed them, but wouldn't it be silly to have another celebration just for the people that missed it? Maybe I should show up at their houses in my gown and tell them we have to celebrate sine they missed it :-P

    Maggie0829[Deleted User]thisismynickname2
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I attended a DW in Jamaica for one of my very good friends. Truth be told, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Yes, it cost a lot of money to attend, and yes, I had to take time of from work. To me, it was worth it to be there. 

    What I can't always get behind is this "wedding tour" that seems to have become so popular. If you have a DW, I don't understand the need for an AHR. You chose to get married in another state or another country. That's your choice. Why the need for another party? If it was so important to you to have some people in attendance, you would have had the wedding at home. 
    It's fine that we're getting married where we want. I also agree, the one destination wedding we attended, was probably my favorite as well!

    We just want to celebrate our happy time with loved ones. That's the point of the celebration after. Honestly, it's probably a relief for many - now they can come, celebrate & relax at our party. It doesn't end up being such a 'thing' - except for us who are hosting the nice party. I seriously doubt anyone would be offended that they're coming to a nice party to celebrate us. 
    Actually some people may not be overly thrilled with your plans.  You want to celebrate something with them, that by your plans, they could not attend.

    I had a local wedding.  There were people who couldn't make it.  I didn't feel it necessary to have another party just to celebrate with them.  So I don't see why these parties are so okay and accepted just because you are having a DW. To me, a wedding is a one day thing.  Those who can make it, great.  Those who can't, oh well, it isn't the end of the world.  But if the most important part is celebrating with your loved one's then having a DW is not the best option.
    Yes to the bolded. We had a few friends that couldn't attend. My FIL couldn't attend due to his health. We missed them, but wouldn't it be silly to have another celebration just for the people that missed it? Maybe I should show up at their houses in my gown and tell them we have to celebrate sine they missed it :-P
    If only I could still fit in my dress.

  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited March 2016
    justsie said:

    I attended a DW in Jamaica for one of my very good friends. Truth be told, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Yes, it cost a lot of money to attend, and yes, I had to take time of from work. To me, it was worth it to be there. 

    What I can't always get behind is this "wedding tour" that seems to have become so popular. If you have a DW, I don't understand the need for an AHR. You chose to get married in another state or another country. That's your choice. Why the need for another party? If it was so important to you to have some people in attendance, you would have had the wedding at home. 
    It's fine that we're getting married where we want. I also agree, the one destination wedding we attended, was probably my favorite as well!

    We just want to celebrate our happy time with loved ones. That's the point of the celebration after. Honestly, it's probably a relief for many - now they can come, celebrate & relax at our party. It doesn't end up being such a 'thing' - except for us who are hosting the nice party. I seriously doubt anyone would be offended that they're coming to a nice party to celebrate us
    Actually some people may not be overly thrilled with your plans.  You want to celebrate something with them, that by your plans, they could not attend.

    I had a local wedding.  There were people who couldn't make it.  I didn't feel it necessary to have another party just to celebrate with them.  So I don't see why these parties are so okay and accepted just because you are having a DW. To me, a wedding is a one day thing.  Those who can make it, great.  Those who can't, oh well, it isn't the end of the world.  But if the most important part is celebrating with your loved one's then having a DW is not the best option.
    This is where I sit as well. You didn't want me at your wedding. That is fine, but I don't feel the need to now go to a party to celebrate an event that I wasn't invited to. I will probably ask you how it was, or ask to see pictures next time I see you in public, much like I would a friends vacation. I would not feel the need to attend a party for an event that I wasn't invited to though. I just fail to see the point of it. 

    All of this. As I stated earlier, I'm not a total fan of AHRs, but I know they are not against etiquette and they have the potential to be really fun (you know, because they are a party!) But, as I also stated, what I don't get is having an AHR when you purposely did not choose to invite ANYONE to your wedding. The whole point of a private wedding is that it's private! Most people who do this want a smaller, intimate, presumably lower cost event. The party completely defeats the purpose and it can seem a little AW (like knottie#s said- people are coming to her party to celebrate her and her spouse and they are throwing the party for themselves!)

     







    [Deleted User]
  • Show up in a gown?? Because one person (or a few) couldn't make it - you're right, that sounds ridiculous. 
    We didn't invite anyone to our vows. We DO have a couple of people that will be there for witnesses - but we didn't do invites - we didn't want all eyes on us during this time. 
    So we're having a celebration of our nuptials! You can celebrate and engagement  -but not the actual union? That doesn't make sense to me. You may not think a destination wedding is for you - which is absolutely fine. I just don't think your opinion of not liking DW's should be considered etiquette. 

    I also assure you - anyone we would invite - is not selfish enough to poo-poo our plans because we did not have the traditional wedding. It's just not what we wanted. 
  • justsie said:

    I attended a DW in Jamaica for one of my very good friends. Truth be told, it was one of the best weddings I've been to. Yes, it cost a lot of money to attend, and yes, I had to take time of from work. To me, it was worth it to be there. 

    What I can't always get behind is this "wedding tour" that seems to have become so popular. If you have a DW, I don't understand the need for an AHR. You chose to get married in another state or another country. That's your choice. Why the need for another party? If it was so important to you to have some people in attendance, you would have had the wedding at home. 
    It's fine that we're getting married where we want. I also agree, the one destination wedding we attended, was probably my favorite as well!

    We just want to celebrate our happy time with loved ones. That's the point of the celebration after. Honestly, it's probably a relief for many - now they can come, celebrate & relax at our party. It doesn't end up being such a 'thing' - except for us who are hosting the nice party. I seriously doubt anyone would be offended that they're coming to a nice party to celebrate us
    Actually some people may not be overly thrilled with your plans.  You want to celebrate something with them, that by your plans, they could not attend.

    I had a local wedding.  There were people who couldn't make it.  I didn't feel it necessary to have another party just to celebrate with them.  So I don't see why these parties are so okay and accepted just because you are having a DW. To me, a wedding is a one day thing.  Those who can make it, great.  Those who can't, oh well, it isn't the end of the world.  But if the most important part is celebrating with your loved one's then having a DW is not the best option.
    This is where I sit as well. You didn't want me at your wedding. That is fine, but I don't feel the need to now go to a party to celebrate an event that I wasn't invited to. I will probably ask you how it was, or ask to see pictures next time I see you in public, much like I would a friends vacation. I would not feel the need to attend a party for an event that I wasn't invited to though. I just fail to see the point of it. 
    Sorry - but that sounds childish to me. 
    "WAHHHH - I couldn't watch you get married, so I will NOT celebrate in your happiness!! I don't care if you're hosting a party for all of your loved ones"

    I could NEVER EVER imagine feeling that way - if someone invited me to their party to celebrate. It just is silly.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Show up in a gown?? Because one person (or a few) couldn't make it - you're right, that sounds ridiculous. 
    We didn't invite anyone to our vows. We DO have a couple of people that will be there for witnesses - but we didn't do invites - we didn't want all eyes on us during this time. 
    So we're having a celebration of our nuptials! You can celebrate and engagement  -but not the actual union? That doesn't make sense to me. You may not think a destination wedding is for you - which is absolutely fine. I just don't think your opinion of not liking DW's should be considered etiquette. 

    I also assure you - anyone we would invite - is not selfish enough to poo-poo our plans because we did not have the traditional wedding. It's just not what we wanted. 
    I guess you missed the sarcasm.

    And who said they didn't like DW?  I like them just fine.  But I find it silly that it is seen as okay to then have a AHR for those that couldn't make it because of something that you chose to do.  If you want to celebrate with those people then have a more local wedding instead of something that makes it hard for people to attend.

    And if you want your wedding to be just you two and the witnesses you need, then great.  But again, I just don't understand wanting to turn around and celebrate with everyone that you didn't feel the need to invite to your actual wedding.  It is like saying "hey you are good enough to celebrate with but you aren't good enough to see the event that is behind this celebration."

    [Deleted User]sparklepants41AddieCake
  • @ Jelles - I understand what you're saying.
    We want our vows to be private - we want to celebrate with our loved ones. THEY ARE two separate things. It's really that simple....and our loved ones are thrilled to celebrate with us - I assure you!  This way we won't receive gifts (though I am sure some still will) but it's not like the traditional wedding. 

    I just turned 40 last month and my fiance turned 48 last month. We're established, we don't need or want our guests money or for them to spend money on us. We've both been married before and just wanted to make it super casual and relaxed. 
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Show up in a gown?? Because one person (or a few) couldn't make it - you're right, that sounds ridiculous. 
    We didn't invite anyone to our vows. We DO have a couple of people that will be there for witnesses - but we didn't do invites - we didn't want all eyes on us during this time. 
    So we're having a celebration of our nuptials! You can celebrate and engagement  -but not the actual union? That doesn't make sense to me. You may not think a destination wedding is for you - which is absolutely fine. I just don't think your opinion of not liking DW's should be considered etiquette. 

    I also assure you - anyone we would invite - is not selfish enough to poo-poo our plans because we did not have the traditional wedding. It's just not what we wanted. 
    Well that certainly went right over your head. 

    Maybe you need to go back and read where I stated one of the best weddings I've attended was a DW in Jamaica. 

    No one is saying you need to have a traditional wedding. Have a DW! That's fantastic. What I find silly is then having yet another party to celebrate your marriage. Your DW is the celebration of your union. 

    [Deleted User]
  • justsie said:
    *snipped because long quote trees suck*
    This is where I sit as well. You didn't want me at your wedding. That is fine, but I don't feel the need to now go to a party to celebrate an event that I wasn't invited to. I will probably ask you how it was, or ask to see pictures next time I see you in public, much like I would a friends vacation. I would not feel the need to attend a party for an event that I wasn't invited to though. I just fail to see the point of it. 
    Sorry - but that sounds childish to me. 
    "WAHHHH - I couldn't watch you get married, so I will NOT celebrate in your happiness!! I don't care if you're hosting a party for all of your loved ones"

    I could NEVER EVER imagine feeling that way - if someone invited me to their party to celebrate. It just is silly.
    I never said I wouldn't celebrate in someone's happiness. I actually said that I would ask them about it and want to see pictures- that to me IS celebrating someone's happiness. Any tears and "wahhh"-ing is all in your head. 
    I just don't see why, if someone REALLY wanted to celebrate with me, I wouldn't be invited to the actual event. Otherwise it just seems like a way to try and make people feel included when they really weren't. 
    image
    [Deleted User]Maggie0829sparklepants41
  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    So so like I said before-we can celebrate an engagement - but not the union UNLESS it all takes place on that same day. Gotcha. I disagree-strongly. We want our vows private and to celebrate at home. We WOULD celebrate there instead if everyone was there. Since that isn't the case-it will fall in a different day. Like always mentioned-they're two events, even in a traditional wedding. A ceremony & a celebration. We want one private and the celebration with our loved ones. Anyone who selfishly takes offense to our wishes of preferring a private ceremony would be acting childish in my opinion. You're right in that the DW will be a celebration as well, our private celebration. 

    Herea the thing - there is a forum for destination weddings - I would say that 80% have something at home afterwards. It's not unusual in this day & age, it's just not. If it's not your thing, fine. But allow others to ask their questions without your beliefs as the only way! It happens all the time-destination wedding and AHR. It has nothing to do with not caring about your loved ones enough to have them there. Nothing! these comments are "its this way or no way" and God forbid you celebrate if you want your vows private.

    I mean if I wanted to host 10 weddings /symbolic weddings and fund it (I'd be the idiot) but who wouldn't want to come to paid for parties and meals?! Certainly no one is going to take offense for including them. 

    As mentioned-our families  would be less thrilled if we didn't all get together to celebrate at all. It's certainly not "putting them out" to have a get together to celebrate our good news. 

    As for the tears-it just sounds like that to me-bratty. "You didn't have a traditional wedding! How dare you celebrate the good news! You get this many hours to celebrate and then never again" just silly. It sounds like the DW you went to had guests etc, which is different than my situation. But even still-who the hell cares if they want to celebrate more at home?! The more fun & parties the better!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    So so like I said before-we can celebrate an engagement - but not the union UNLESS it all takes place on that same day. Gotcha. I disagree-strongly. We want our vows private and to celebrate at home. We WOULD celebrate there instead if everyone was there. Since that isn't the case-it will fall in a different day. Like always mentioned-they're two events, even in a traditional wedding. A ceremony & a celebration. We want one private and the celebration with our loved ones. Anyone who selfishly takes offense to our wishes of preferring a private ceremony would be acting childish in my opinion. You're right in that the DW will be a celebration as well, our private celebration. 

    Herea the thing - there is a forum for destination weddings - I would say that 80% have something at home afterwards. It's not unusual in this day & age, it's just not. If it's not your thing, fine. But allow others to ask their questions without your beliefs as the only way! It happens all the time-destination wedding and AHR. It has nothing to do with not caring about your loved ones enough to have them there. Nothing! these comments are "its this way or no way" and God forbid you celebrate if you want your vows private.

    I mean if I wanted to host 10 weddings /symbolic weddings and fund it (I'd be the idiot) but who wouldn't want to come to paid for parties and meals?! Certainly no one is going to take offense for including them. 

    As mentioned-our families  would be less thrilled if we didn't all get together to celebrate at all. It's certainly not "putting them out" to have a get together to celebrate our good news. 

    As for the tears-it just sounds like that to me-bratty. "You didn't have a traditional wedding! How dare you celebrate the good news! You get this many hours to celebrate and then never again" just silly. It sounds like the DW you went to had guests etc, which is different than my situation. But even still-who the hell cares if they want to celebrate more at home?! The more fun & parties the better!
    I really don't understand the bolded.

    And I really think you are missing the point many of us are trying to make.

    [Deleted User]
  • I am saying that folks get engaged and have parties.  The way I'm reading some responses is the only RIGHT way you can celebrate your marriage is if you have the reception/party portion ON the same day. 

    The folks hosting our AHR wanted to do all the wedding traditions such as the cake and things - but because we obviously don't like all eyes on us etc - we don't want to do that. I just don't think it's a big deal if a couple wanted to....and I can't imagine people getting mad over it! We aren't going to do the cake while away either - so who cares IF we wanted to do it while at home and feed each other our first wedding cake....

    The point that I'm reading from a few is that "if you didn't think enough of me to invite me to the vows/ceremony - then why invite me to a party?" which I could see IF I invited 100 people to a wedding and then 200 to a party. Even in that case:

    Last April I went to a very intimate wedding for a couple. Brunch after and families house after that. They wanted it super intimate. A couple weeks later a few of their family members hosted a larger party. It was just that - a party. It was a LOT of fun. No one thought twice about going or was upset about this or that....it was just a time to have everyone get together. 

    The point I am making is that we adore all of our loved ones - and want them to be happy with us to celebrate with us after we come home. 
  • @May5Bride2016, I think you're missing the purpose and difference between an engagement party and a wedding reception.

    The purpose of an engagement party is to congratulate the couple and they are the guests of honor. The guests of honor should never throw a party to honor themselves; someone else hosts the party in their honor.

    A wedding reception is a party given by the bride and groom to thank their guests for witnessing their ceremony. Contrary to popular belief, the party isn't to celebrate the bride and groom. So, having an AHR just doesn't make much sense, because you're not inviting these people to witness your wedding. And if you think it's to celebrate you and your new spouse, you shouldn't be the ones hosting it as you would then be the guests of honor. You'd need to wait for someone to offer to host such a party for you.
    [Deleted User]sparklepants41
  • May5Bride2016May5Bride2016 member
    10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited March 2016
    Maybe your brother and his spouse wanted it private? If they needed you- then it goes to parents, then grandparents, then when does it stop. Maybe they just want to have this part to themselves. I would never ask folks to spend money to attend our party either, time is all. If anyone felt as if it was a waste of their time, they're certainly welcome to decline as well. However folks go to parties for FAR less of celebrations - so I would imagine they'll be excited to celebrate with us. I'll let you know the outcome. I'm sending out about 50 invites, for about 100 people. 

    I know what the difference between the two parties are. I was just trying to make a point that the opinions seem to be SO black & white. It's this way or that way. The party when we return is to celebrate the marriage - simple. We aren't hosting it actually - my best friend is hosting it - we're just contributing to some of the financial cost (for the catering) . We're also involved as she's asking certain things that we may or may not want. 
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am saying that folks get engaged and have parties.  The way I'm reading some responses is the only RIGHT way you can celebrate your marriage is if you have the reception/party portion ON the same day. 

    Not everyone does.  Which is why I am confused why you are feeling the need to compare the two.  And really they are apples and oranges.

    [Deleted User]holyguacamole79
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Maybe your brother and his spouse wanted it private? If they needed you- then it goes to parents, then grandparents, then when does it stop. Maybe they just want to have this part to themselves. I would never ask folks to spend money to attend our party either, time is all. If anyone felt as if it was a waste of their time, they're certainly welcome to decline as well. However folks go to parties for FAR less of celebrations - so I would imagine they'll be excited to celebrate with us. I'll let you know the outcome. I'm sending out about 50 invites, for about 100 people. 

    I know what the difference between the two parties are. I was just trying to make a point that the opinions seem to be SO black & white. It's this way or that way. The party when we return is to celebrate the marriage - simple. We aren't hosting it actually - my best friend is hosting it - we're just contributing to some of the financial cost (for the catering) . We're also involved as she's asking certain things that we may or may not want. 
    But they're not. No one is saying that people really shouldn't have these parties. It's a variety of people from different walks of life saying "If this happened in my family, I wouldn't want a consolation prize, so maybe rethink whether this is the best way to try to make your family and friends feel included."

    It is also pretty gauche in any case to throw a party celebrating yourself. (ETA: I recognize that you are not doing this, as you said others were hosting your AHR, but in general.) As @geebee908 pointed out, the wedding reception is a thank you gift to the guests for taking the time to join in the life event, not a party in celebration of the bride and groom.
    [Deleted User]
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