Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Walking down the aisle

I'm sort of at a crossroads here.

I don't get along with my father. He's an alcoholic that honestly doesn't care about his family. At all. Anything he does is just to save face in the most narcissistic way. My parents divorced about 15 years ago, and I've tried to approach the subject about walking alone, and at this point out of fear of my father I've submitted to him being there even though it makes my skin crawl.

I've had this idea recently to instead walk with my son, but I'm not really on board with kids having a place in a wedding ceremony. But really, the love of that little man is so much more important than a narcisstic father. I don't want to bring it up until it has been decided either way, because I'm going to have some back lash and a raging alcoholic who feels entitled. 

I dont know. Its 4am and I'm rambly. Honestly, is it completely inappropriate ?

Re: Walking down the aisle

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I don't know why you would not have your son walk you down the aisle just because you aren't on board with kids in a wedding. He is your son and if he is old enough, I think it makes perfect sense.
    Pinksatin91016DrillSergeantCat
  • This is completely a you do you situation. If your son is old enough, why not? Your dad isn't owed anything here. My dad was (is, I guess) an alcoholic too and I know how those anger / guilt laden drunk ramblings go and they suck because there is no reasoning with them when they go down that rabbit hole. At least going with your son is an understandable reason for deciding to break with tradition so *maybe* he'll give you a break. In any case, make your decision and bean dip!
                 
    charlotte989875Pinksatin91016
  • My dad's an addict also. I chose to walk by myself and he chose not to attend the ceremony which was fine by me. You may want to have security on hand though if you think he might make a scene.
  • I usually side eye when children are involved in weddings, but I wouldn't side eye a child walking their parent down the aisle or standing as part of the wedding party. In my mind, that is a title of honor and what you are doing is honoring that person by giving them that role. I agree with PP about security, make sure they are aware of the situation. 
    image
  • I'm sort of at a crossroads here.

    I don't get along with my father. He's an alcoholic that honestly doesn't care about his family. At all. Anything he does is just to save face in the most narcissistic way. My parents divorced about 15 years ago, and I've tried to approach the subject about walking alone, and at this point out of fear of my father I've submitted to him being there even though it makes my skin crawl.

    I've had this idea recently to instead walk with my son, but I'm not really on board with kids having a place in a wedding ceremony. But really, the love of that little man is so much more important than a narcisstic father. I don't want to bring it up until it has been decided either way, because I'm going to have some back lash and a raging alcoholic who feels entitled. 

    I dont know. Its 4am and I'm rambly. Honestly, is it completely inappropriate ?
    I don't know the whole story, but I would seriously be considering not even inviting my dad to the wedding if I was in your situation.  I have a fine relationship with my dad, and I'm not sure if he'll walk me down the aisle.  I think I might want to walk with FH, but I guess we'll see.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Dittoing above about security.

    As for having your son walk you down the aisle, I don't see why he can't do that if he's old enough (say, age 3 or older) and doesn't have to say anything.

    I think I would just not invite your father or even let him know that the wedding is taking place if that's possible.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    What about kids in a wedding ceremony don't you like? If it's when they're asked to do unity things or other stuff that's inappropriate because they aren't in the marriage - well, your dad's not in the marriage either. Asking your son to take over that role is just having a person important to you escort you. They're not always props.

    I don't think you need to bring up your decision to your dad. Answer if he asks, and he may well ask. But if he doesn't ask then you do whatever you do, and if he's surprised by not being involved when you've said nothing about it to him, he's an idiot.
  • Thanks for the support and perspective.

    My father and I have a terrible past. He has always been an alcoholic, and when I was around 10 he became physically abusive and assaulted my mom after she filed for divorce. He has since gone through anger managment and AA, but he still drinks. A lot. I haven't seen him sober in years, and that is no exaggeration. He wasn't originally invited when we were in early planning stages, but the family guilt weighed too heavy on me so I caved. I am absolutely planning on security to have him escourted out if he cannot check his demons at the door and be a functioning adult for the evening.

    As for the kids in weddings, its mostly like the kids that join in the unity ceremony and vows. I just don't agree. He will be 5 by the time the wedding comes, and will have no speaking role. When asked who is giving me away, my mother will state "Her family does".

    Honestly, my little man is so much more to me than my father is, and it only seems natural and fitting that he walk with me, but to have BSC father in the wings should DS be to anxious. I just didn't want to do something completely inappropriate and wrong, regardless of what I want.

    Thanks again guys.

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Only you get to decide who walks you down the aisle (or at least who you will ask ;) ), or whether it is no one at all.

    I wouldn't think it inappropriate to have one's child walk them down the aisle.
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Are you having a wedding party?  If you are not, then chances are your mom might be the last person to walk up the aisle prior to you and your son.  Once up the aisle, your mom could stand alongside her seat, and be ready for you to hug your son and hand him off to her. 

    I think walking up with your son is incredibly touching and significant.
    Pinksatin91016
  • Again, thank you! That is really what I needed to hear. It helps with the guilt of not wanting my father especially. FMIL and my mom would absolutely be there to greet him in case he feels overwhelmed. I'll ask him first and see how he feels though. So far he is really excited about the wedding even though he has no idea what it is. He just knows I've got all this party stuff in my room and theres cake. His bases are covered!

    MobKaz[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2016
    There is nothing wrong with choosing to have your five year old son escort you down the aisle.  Wear secure shoes to avoid losing your balance.
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    RomanceManaged
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