Pre-wedding Parties

Shower plans gone awry

I don't want to sound like another spoiled bride, but here goes:
I live on one coast, and (at my mother's insistence) we are getting married on the other coast, where most of my large immediate family lives.  I only have two bridesmaids my own age (two junior bridesmaids, my fiance's sisters are 12 & 14), so originally my best friend (Maid of Honor who is local) was going to plan the Bach party, while my sister (Matron of honor, on the other coast) was going to plan a shower. Now my sister has decided she can't do that (about a month ago) or really be involved in anything at all besides showing up for the wedding, even though she agreed to take on MOH duties and privileges when I asked her over a year ago.

My best friend here wants me to have a shower, but cannot plan both a bachelorette party and a shower (and I don't think she should have to).  To complicate things further, my mother decided last minute to throw a coed shower when my fiancé and I are home to finalize plans with the venue, cake maker, florist, etc in two weeks.  That shower is now all planned.

 I don't even care if we have a "shower" out here anymore, but I want my future sisters to feel included as bridesmaids, and I can't really have them at the bachelorette party for obvious alcoholic reasons.  My fiance's family is only a couple states away, but there is a snowballs chance in hell that my FMIL will throw a shower for us.  Do I have any other options to include them?

Thanks

Re: Shower plans gone awry

  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    I don't want to sound like another spoiled bride, but here goes:
    I live on one coast, and (at my mother's insistence) we are getting married on the other coast, where most of my large immediate family lives.  I only have two bridesmaids my own age (two junior bridesmaids, my fiance's sisters are 12 & 14), so originally my best friend (Maid of Honor who is local) was going to plan the Bach party, while my sister (Matron of honor, on the other coast) was going to plan a shower. Now my sister has decided she can't do that (about a month ago) or really be involved in anything at all besides showing up for the wedding, even though she agreed to take on MOH duties and privileges when I asked her over a year ago.

    My best friend here wants me to have a shower, but cannot plan both a bachelorette party and a shower (and I don't think she should have to).  To complicate things further, my mother decided last minute to throw a coed shower when my fiancé and I are home to finalize plans with the venue, cake maker, florist, etc in two weeks.  That shower is now all planned.

     I don't even care if we have a "shower" out here anymore, but I want my future sisters to feel included as bridesmaids, and I can't really have them at the bachelorette party for obvious alcoholic reasons.  My fiance's family is only a couple states away, but there is a snowballs chance in hell that my FMIL will throw a shower for us.  Do I have any other options to include them?

    Thanks
    1.  There are no duties or privileges to being in a WP or as MOH.  You are asking them to stand by your side as you take your vows to honor that relationship.  In exchange they agree to show up sober enough in whatever attire you choose (based on private discussions about their budget), and take photos.  That is it.  They are not required to host or participate in any pre wedding parties.  I can understand being disappointed that she changed her mind, but please do not share these thoughts with her.  Obviously, something in her life has changed that does not make that feasible anymore and your friendship is more important than the mixing bowls from Aunt Sue.

    2.  I wish you didn't call them a junior Bridesmaids, that's not really a thing.  If they're standing up next to you, they're bridesmaids.  And I'm willing to bet, at that age, being a real bridesmaid would make them feel very cool and adult like and would mean more.  

    However, I think it's great you want to do something for them.  What about taking them out for a lunch and mani/pedis a few days before the wedding.  They can get some one on one time with you, while being pampered.  And/or you could also invite them to a dress fitting.  At 12-14 I would have found either to be pretty cool and felt pretty special.

    3.  Not sure how much you lurked before posting.  You will notice a lot of people will elaborate on things you ,at not have asked about, and many posters will reiterate previously stated opinions.  That's so lurkers reading can see expanded answers and so the OP and lurkers can see that the opinion is shared by many (rather than letting the first comment fly alone).  Also, a lot of people post bluntly, don't infer tone.  It is what it is, a stranger answering your direct question with a direct answer.

    Welcome to TK.  Stick around, we're good people:).
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    ernursejInLoveInQueens
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    1. There is no such thing as "bridesmaid duties." The only thing your BMs are required to do are show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire the day of the wedding. 

    2. Junior BM is a made up name that is potentially more insulting. They don't do anything less than any other BM. Just call them bridesmaids. 

    3. If you want to include the younger girls, take them out for manis/pedis, or have them attend the dinner portion of the bachelorette party and arrange for rides when the dinner portion is over. Not everything has to be wedding related, so if the purpose is to cultivate a relationship with them, there are plenty of things you can do to foster a bond that don't involve a wedding event. That will be far more meaningful than dragging them to wedding events (that frankly, can be a little boring. Wedding showers as a 12/14 year old were the worst).


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    lnixon8InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]
  • thanks ladies.  honestly, I don't call them junior bridesmaids except in this context. I'm in my 30's and they are so much younger than my friends and the two MOHs that the moniker was really just to differentiate that simply.  They obviously can't come wine tasting. I was a bridesmaid for my SIL at 17 (my sister was 14), and it was great, and I have strong and happy memories of the shower.  

    The duties for the MOHs really were agreed upon by all parties early in this process, not just implied, inferred, or hoped for by me.  That's why this is all throwing me for a loop.  

    I like the idea of spending one on one time with the girls the week of the wedding, and was planning to do it anyway.  Thanks
  • OP - Sounds like you are pretty reasonable. I would just let plans fall where they will. Some brides don't get any parties at all and that is just fine. Even if it was decided on beforehand (not sure what that looked like ...) doesn't mean it needs to continue. Look forward to your day with these ladies standing next to you. That is the most important part of being in a wedding party.
    [Deleted User]
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    thanks ladies.  honestly, I don't call them junior bridesmaids except in this context. I'm in my 30's and they are so much younger than my friends and the two MOHs that the moniker was really just to differentiate that simply.  They obviously can't come wine tasting. I was a bridesmaid for my SIL at 17 (my sister was 14), and it was great, and I have strong and happy memories of the shower.  

    The duties for the MOHs really were agreed upon by all parties early in this process, not just implied, inferred, or hoped for by me.  That's why this is all throwing me for a loop.  

    I like the idea of spending one on one time with the girls the week of the wedding, and was planning to do it anyway.  Thanks

    To the bolded: that is part of the problem.  From the moment you asked them to be MOHs or BMs - all you ever should have expected was for them to get the dress and show up sober for the wedding.  IF they wanted to throw you any pre-wedding parties, that should have been decided by them on their own.  There would have been nothing to let you down about, since your expectations would have been at 0. 

    Same goes for any "help" you may need.  The only people who are responsible for planning the wedding are you and your FI.  If any BP members offer their help, you may take them up on it.  But that offer should, again, come from them alone.

    [Deleted User]OurWildKingdomMyNameIsNotInLoveInQueens
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    thanks ladies.  honestly, I don't call them junior bridesmaids except in this context. I'm in my 30's and they are so much younger than my friends and the two MOHs that the moniker was really just to differentiate that simply.  They obviously can't come wine tasting. I was a bridesmaid for my SIL at 17 (my sister was 14), and it was great, and I have strong and happy memories of the shower.  

    The duties for the MOHs really were agreed upon by all parties early in this process, not just implied, inferred, or hoped for by me.  That's why this is all throwing me for a loop.  

    I like the idea of spending one on one time with the girls the week of the wedding, and was planning to do it anyway.  Thanks
    How is performance evaluated? Were these salaried employees or contractors? Are these metrics provided in their joining handbook along with employee expectations? Did you make the grievance and performance management clear to them on their joining interview? You should consult your HR department to get proper advice about one of your employees being in breech of their contract. Did you sit with her and give her the three written warnings in her file and clearly state how she needs to improve the delivery? Was there actual gross misconduct or was it inability to perform contracted duties as this can influence any bonus remuneration you agreed during salary and contract negotiations. 

    [Deleted User]
  • As PP's have said there are no duties other then show up in the dress and stand beside you.

    When my best friend asked me to be her MOH I was thrilled and offered to help, plan the bachorlete party, goes shopping etc. Then LIFE happened. I lost my well paying job and took the first job I was offered at minimum wage. I then had to go throw a custody battle for my youngest daughter and while all that was going on said daughter ended up taking a 3 hour ambulance ride and got to stay at the children's hospital. I had to back out of not only planning the bachorlete party but couldn't attend because I had no money. The most "help" I was came from text message saying which I liked better when she couldn't decide on something. I stayed at my brother's house instead of the same hotel the bridesmaids were staying at before the wedding and did my own hair and make up before meeting up with everyone the day of because again I had no extra money. Was my friend disappointed, sure but she understood and at the end of the day I was still her MOH and stood next to her. 

    Could you talk to her, maybe she has had things come up and that why she can't do it anymore. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What's an example of an MOH privilege?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    InLoveInQueensMaggie0829OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited March 2016
    1.  People are included when you invite them to your WEDDING.
    2.  Showers are completely optional.  You don't need one.
    3.  Bachelorette parties are somewhat new, and also completely optional.  You don't need one.
    4.  Nobody owes you a party.

    I think that about covers it.
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    OurWildKingdom
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