FI adopting my daughter wants incorporate something in ceremony

Cheermom84

Not sure if this is the right place to put this.

A little background, I have two daughters, they have different dads my youngest daughter will be 4 when we get married and spends half her time at her dad's house. My oldest will be 10 and has never met her "dad" and he has wanted nothing to do with her to the point that he has signed over his rights so she can be adopted by FI after we get married. FI has no kids of his own.

FI wants to get my daughters a special necklace for when we get married. He wants to give my youngest her's in private so as not to make her feel she is having to chose between him or her dad. However he wants to add something to the ceremony for my oldest since he will be adopting her. I suggested that he give her's in private as well and that after the adoption we can have a party for the two of them and the wedding isn't really apropriate for that. What are your thoughts? I don't want to make a big deal about it if it's a moot point but couldn't find anything on this, everything I could find was about kids gaining a stepparent not about that they will actually be getting a dad. If he is insistent on doing something is there some sort of compromise I could suggest for the wedding? 

climbingsingle

I think it would be very weird to have it mentioned during the ceremony, especially since you're only mentioning one of your kid. IMO, this kind of thing should be done in private. 

Cheermom84

climbingwife said:

I think it would be very weird to have it mentioned during the ceremony, especially since you're only mentioning one of your kid. IMO, this kind of thing should be done in private. 

That's what I told him, and so I suggested we do something for him and daughter after the adoption is done separate from the wedding. I just wanted more opinions before I picked this battle since I am more of a pick your battle type of personality.....

thefanciestbeckler

I agree with climbingwife. If it were both of your kids, it might be a different story. But since he is only adopting one of them, I think something in private would be best.

jacques27

Cheermom84 said:

Not sure if this is the right place to put this.

A little background, I have two daughters, they have different dads my youngest daughter will be 4 when we get married and spends half her time at her dad's house. My oldest will be 10 and has never met her "dad" and he has wanted nothing to do with her to the point that he has signed over his rights so she can be adopted by FI after we get married. FI has no kids of his own.

FI wants to get my daughters a special necklace for when we get married. He wants to give my youngest her's in private so as not to make her feel she is having to chose between him or her dad. However he wants to add something to the ceremony for my oldest since he will be adopting her. I suggested that he give her's in private as well and that after the adoption we can have a party for the two of them and the wedding isn't really apropriate for that. What are your thoughts? I don't want to make a big deal about it if it's a moot point but couldn't find anything on this, everything I could find was about kids gaining a stepparent not about that they will actually be getting a dad. If he is insistent on doing something is there some sort of compromise I could suggest for the wedding? 

Honestly, I fully agree with you.  This isn't the sort of pick your battle kind of thing.  Picking your battles is he wants roses and you want tulips, or he wants to wear a bow tie and you like regular ties.  This is a doing what's best for the children sort of moment.  These are your children - living breathing human beings with real emotions.  Your wedding doesn't make your daughter adopted - this isn't the time or the place.  Your wedding is what unites you and your FI, not your FI and your daughter.  It's very sweet that he wants to acknowledge that you all will be family, but publicly doing that for the older child at a wedding isn't the time and place to do it.  Add on that he would be excluding the younger child and that just makes it all sorts of awkward (separate, but equal isn't really equal and I'm sorry, but I don't think any four year old is going to have the emotional capability to rationalize that her private moment is exactly equal to her sibling's very public moment and she's going to feel left out). 

This isn't about him.  It should be about the kids and there is an appropriate time and place.  Let the wedding be about you and him and have a nice dinner out or family party or whatever when the adoption paperwork actually takes place.  If he wants to give some token to the girls on the wedding day, they should both be done privately.

ILoveBeachMusic

I totally agree with PPs. Have him give them the necklaces prior to the ceremony, in private.

OliveOilsMom

OP, I agree with you and PP.  Both daughters should have their own private moment and neither should be done during the wedding ceremony.

I also want to add another perspective.  Even though you say your ex has paved the way for your FI to adopt your daughter, there could be other things that hold it up.  My sister has a now 13yo daughter.  The father has been out of her life for 12 of those years.  Received no penny in support, did not dispute the name change (last name) for my niece and did not even ask how his daughter was when my sister attended the grandfather's funeral sitting directly behind him. 

Once my sister married her now H it was their plan for him to legally adopt my niece.  But due to the expense of the process, they have been unable to do it. This isn't as easy as putting up notices in the paper of the father's last known address.  He must be physically found and officially sign off on the adoption, usually a PI does this part. (Although this could differ from state to state.)  This has never been mentioned to my niece because they did not want her to be let down if something were to keep the legalities from going through.  My niece already recognizes my sister's H as her dad and has for many year prior to their marriage.  I think mentioning any legal adoptions during a public ceremony could backfire and be a mistake.  It could end up with a hurt little girl who cannot understand why a big to do was made about being adopted, and then, no adoption.

ernursej

I completely agree with PP and sounds like you need to stick your ground. I wish you the best. I think adoption can be wonderful but very tricky. 

Cheermom84

Thanks everyone! I'm glad to know I'm thinking rationally in this. We have a year until the wedding so I will work on him about this. I totally agree my youngest wouldn't understand that they were equal but separate. She understands that there is mom and my FI and her sister when at mom's house and that there is dad and his gf at dad's house and that everyone loves her. I agree I don't think she would understand why sister would get a public thing and her not though. 

We talked to the lawyer that my cousins used for all of their adoptions and know it can be a long process. Her dad is not on the birth certificate and signed away his rights years ago (i got lucky on that normally they wait until someone who will adopt them but this judge want against the norm and let him do it) the lawyer told us signed already have his rights signed away it will be unlikely that we will have to find him for the adoption. The lawyer also said it would be easier to start it after we are married, not the reason we are getting married this came up after we got engaged. 

Jen4948

I agree with PPs - do any kind of gift-giving or "adoption" rituals involving your children in private, not at the ceremony.

AddieCake

This is a wedding ceremony, not an adoption ceremony.

banana468

Ditto the others.   The wedding isn't the place for this and it has the potential to hurt the feelings and confuse your 4 yo.   

[Deleted User]

Both events are very big and very special moments. I would celebrate them as two separate events. As PP, it would be easier to explain to your 4 year what an adoption is and why FI is adopting your older daughter & not her when it's done as it's own event. Also she won't then growing up associating wedding with adoptions being one in the same event.