Engagement ring etiquette

caschwa620

I had my ring picked out for nearly 5 years... FI did not have a choice in the matter. 

Pinksatin91016

I know this question has been answered and you totally can get ALL the say on your ring as long as your joint budget works with it.

We also have all our bank accounts combined so if he secretly bought something that expensive without telling me, I'd be quite angry and freak out about it. A large expense needs to be agreed upon. Not to mention I like choosing what I wear, not him choosing what I wear, especially something that costs as much as fine jewelry does. Of course he knows this already since he knows me well so our proposal was just a conversation we had and then told our families we were engaged. 9 months later and I'm doing the design process myself, with my mother's help since we both know the jeweler. He is excited for me to get what I'll like, but he honestly could not and should not give a shit about the details of how it looks like I do. He isn't wearing it. Luckily, most of the price happens to be covered by trading in several of my late grandmother's diamond rings that I'll never wear. I am getting a sapphire so they go a long way toward covering it. The bottom line is a ring isn't necessary but if you're getting one, you can have as much or as little say in it as you want. Even if you don't have joint bank accounts, you likely will once you're married so that is technically your household expense too whether it's now or not until after you're married.

p.s. he had 100% of the say on his wedding band too so it's equal. I am not a dictator, but he is not picking out anything I'll be wearing.

mntravelingmama

My now husband and I looked at rings together and I found a setting I liked.  He later shopped for it (without my knowledge) and picked out a beautiful stone.  I had no idea when he was going to propose as he took his time.  When he did propose, I was actually surprised and it was a wonderful moment!

SaintPaulGal

My partner and I share a love of old things, so I knew for sure that I wanted an antique ring.  Since vintage rings tend to be either one-of-a-kind or at least quite variable from one another, I looked at thousands upon thousands of rings, mostly online and a few in local shops.  After a few months I found one that really spoke to me above and beyond any of the others.  I told my partner that that was the one I wanted and he made the seller an offer while we were sitting at a Thai restaurant waiting for our friend to show up.  We are a conversation-rather-than-proposal sort of couple, so naturally getting the ring was an extension of that egalitarian relationship dynamic.

SP29

I feel like anytime anyone gets engaged, it should never be a true surprise. There should be much conversation regarding marriage and all that comes with it (finances, lifestyle, the future, children/no children) before an engagement happens.

DH and I knew for years we would get married, the question was when. Being that I love weddings (and jewelry), I had some pictures of rings and wedding dresses saved to a personal file (for myself only). When it got closer to the time DH proposed he started asking me questions about what kind of rings I liked. I did want it to be a *bit* of a surprise, and have him pick something out, so I sent him pictures of a couple of different rings and told him, "I would love any of the following", but in conversation I told him I really like 3 stone rings.

DH got the ring from a place where while the setting is pre-designed, but there is flexibility to choose size and quality of the stones. Being the engineer that he is, he made a drawing in AutoCad that depicted two different stone setting sizes and asked which one I liked better. Then the conversation dropped for awhile....

A few months later we went out to celebrate after my school exams were done, and that is when he proposed. The proposal itself was a surprise, and I did not know which ring he ultimately chose, but it was something we talked about and I gave input on.

Funny thing is, I was the one who accepted the package of my ring at the front door when the courier came. I hadn't a clue and assumed then bf had just bought ANOTHER book.

Greenjinjo

@SP29 I fully agree with you. I don't think I would be able to say yes to a surprise engagement, I would definitely need to have talked about the future beforehand.

@SaintPaulGal such a lovely story! Damn, now I want Thai food and it is only 7:30am!

My partner and I decided a couple of years ago that we were going to get married. We are now finally in a position that we are both on full time wages and working in the industries we were aiming for (him software dev, me engineering) so can start seriously looking forward into the future.

We are going to write up a basic budget soon so we have some sort of idea as to the amount of money we are willing to spend on the wedding (he doesn't want a long engagement, I wouldn't mind either way). At the same time we are trying to save for our first home (need to save 20% for the deposit). We had a brief discussion of who we would like to invite and how much we want to spend last night and I think some tough decisions will need to be made. 

Also, we should be receiving the JCAD of one of the rings today, super excited! 

Greenjinjo

@Pinksatin91016 I agree. If he were to spend $2k on the credit card without telling me I would be pissed!