I'm a backup....brides-man?

Knottie1424457446

My best friend of over ten years asked me to be a backup brides-man? Yes, I'm a man, my friend getting married is a woman and I'm both extremely honored and slightly disappointed at the same time, on top of being completely confused.  First, having even been considered was very unexpected, and I of course would love to be apart of her wedding in some way, but after some thought, I felt a little bad that she didn't actually ask me to stand up in the bridal party or to be a part of the wedding in any capacity and perhaps the more I thought about it, I have no clue what a "backup" is supposed to do - if anything at all? What could be expected of me? What should I do or not do? I'm completely comfortable doing anything for her so I guess I'm a little sad that I wasn't asked and I'm wondering should I feel slightly insulted by being second string because we talk to each other everyday, all day, for ten years.  Do "backups" really exist? Do I do anything? Should I tell her how I feel or leave it be. I'll be flying to New York this winter for the wedding and Its expected to be a large production. 

glasgowtolondon

Back ups are definitely not a thing. Your friend is treating you really poorly here, I'm not surprised you feel badly about it. She is saying you're not good enough to be in the wedding party, but if/when a spot becomes vacant (and you know this bride will be the type to 'fire' people) you're in the running. Ehhhh, no thanks. There is no rule that says you need to accept this bullshit 'honour', you could say 'friend, thank you so much for thinking of me but I would really prefer to be a guest at your wedding'. Think about this, if she is pulling bullshit like this now, what kind of unreasonable demands are waiting further down the line. We see it all the time on here, for some reason a ring goes on the finger and perfectly normal people lose their damn minds.

LondonLisa

"Friend, I'm a bit hurt by this ask. I'd be happy to be a bridesman or a guest, but being asked to be a backup position of honour is hurtful. I think it is best if I just attend as a guest." Then just listen. Don't let her get defensive. Just end with "I'm looking forward to being a guest and celebrating your nuptials". 

Frankly, your friend is a total wanker for asking you to do this.

TrixieJess

Ugh...lurkers...THIS is why we advocare against "back-up" wedding party.

OP, you have every right to be disappointed and hurt, your "friend" is trying to have her cake and eat it too. You are welcome to decline this "honour" and just attend her wedding as a guest.

MobKaz

TrixieJess said:

Ugh...lurkers...THIS is why we advocare against "back-up" wedding party.

OP, you have every right to be disappointed and hurt, your "friend" is trying to have her cake and eat it too. You are welcome to decline this "honour" and just attend her wedding as a guest.

Honorary, replacement, and house party "members" also fall into this category. 

**Lurkers, this also fits into the "well, they accepted so of course they are fine with it" category.  Nope.  This fits into the "they are too polite to tell you how they truly feel" category!

artbyallie

Yikes. I've never heard of anyone actually asking someone to be an understudy for their wedding party. How rude. I'm not sure I would remain friends with this person who so clearly cares more about the 'right' number of warm bodies than having her loved ones by her side.

redoryx

Knottie1424457446 said:

My best friend of over ten years asked me to be a backup brides-man? Yes, I'm a man, my friend getting married is a woman and I'm both extremely honored and slightly disappointed at the same time, on top of being completely confused.  First, having even been considered was very unexpected, and I of course would love to be apart of her wedding in some way, but after some thought, I felt a little bad that she didn't actually ask me to stand up in the bridal party or to be a part of the wedding in any capacity and perhaps the more I thought about it, I have no clue what a "backup" is supposed to do - if anything at all? What could be expected of me? What should I do or not do? I'm completely comfortable doing anything for her so I guess I'm a little sad that I wasn't asked and I'm wondering should I feel slightly insulted by being second string because we talk to each other everyday, all day, for ten years.  Do "backups" really exist? Do I do anything? Should I tell her how I feel or leave it be. I'll be flying to New York this winter for the wedding and Its expected to be a large production. 

Yes, you should feel insulted. Your friend sucks. Sorry, not sorry. 

Honestly, if my friend did this to me I'd probably find a reason not to be in New York that particular weekend. Whether or not you explain why is entirely up to you. 

lnixon8

Knottie1424457446 said:

My best friend of over ten years asked me to be a backup brides-man? Yes, I'm a man, my friend getting married is a woman and I'm both extremely honored and slightly disappointed at the same time, on top of being completely confused.  First, having even been considered was very unexpected, and I of course would love to be apart of her wedding in some way, but after some thought, I felt a little bad that she didn't actually ask me to stand up in the bridal party or to be a part of the wedding in any capacity and perhaps the more I thought about it, I have no clue what a "backup" is supposed to do - if anything at all? What could be expected of me? What should I do or not do? I'm completely comfortable doing anything for her so I guess I'm a little sad that I wasn't asked and I'm wondering should I feel slightly insulted by being second string because we talk to each other everyday, all day, for ten years.  Do "backups" really exist? Do I do anything? Should I tell her how I feel or leave it be. I'll be flying to New York this winter for the wedding and Its expected to be a large production. 

Is your "friend" directing a play?

climbingsingle

WTH? Are you like an understudy? How awful. I'd ask your friend directly what she expects of you. And then I'd tell her thanks, but no thanks. 

Maggie0829

So if a current bridesmaid gets sick on the wedding day, you are just suppose to be waiting in the wings, in the appropriate attire to take her place?  Really?

Your friend sounds like a piece of work.  I would let her know that being asked to be a back-up bridesman is extremely hurtful and thanks but no thanks.  Either she wants you in the wedding or she doesn't.  But to expect you to wait with bated breath is insane.

Heffalump

This...this is a thing?



OP, I'm sorry.  That sucks.  To answer your questions:

1.  If it were me, I would tell her.  Not all shouty or anything, but if she's a talk-every-day friend, I would definitely consider that close enough to have the conversation.

2.  I honestly have no idea what backup bridesman would entail.  I guess you'll have to ask the bride, since it seems she's the one who invented it.

Good luck.

MyNameIsNot

No, this is not a thing. You have every right to feel hurt. Your friend told you that she'd like to include you in the WP, but only if someone more important is unable to do so. For the life of me, I can't see this for anything other than a deliberate insult. 

I would decline the "honor" and determine my future actions based on her response. 

ShesSoCold

OP, this sucks. I'd be upset too. And if this were me and my best friend, I'd absolutely tell him/her. I hope she just got caught up in the ZOMG BRIDE crap that's in every bridal magazine/website/vendor and didn't think before she acted.

drunkenwitch

Unless you're expected to show up in SWAT gear and drive the get away car (which would be pretty cool actually ) then what your friend did is super shitty, rude and disrespectful.  I would decline the "honor". 

geebee908

Please send her over here so we can help her see the flaws in her plans.

thisismynickname2

ShesSoCold said:

OP, this sucks. I'd be upset too. And if this were me and my best friend, I'd absolutely tell him/her. I hope she just got caught up in the ZOMG BRIDE crap that's in every bridal magazine/website/vendor and didn't think before she acted.

This is my line of thinking too. Maybe she doesn't think she's "allowed" to have men stand on her side because it's not traditional; maybe she really meant honorary and not "stand in if someone drops out." One of DH's best friends is female and it took him awhile to come around to the idea of asking her to stand up on his side. 

Just talk to her and find out what's up. If you're really that close, it would be great for you to stand up on her side. Plenty of us have had mixed bridal parties and maybe she just needs to see evidence of that before making you an official bridesman. 

levioosa

This is so shitty. Sorry, OP. Ditto everything PPs have said. This is not a real thing, and it's very hurtful. 

AddieCake

What a shitty thing to do to a friend. I'm sorry, OP.

Jen4948

That is definitely shitty.  I'm very sorry your "best friend" is treating you like that.

I would tell her, "Friend, while I would be honored to be a bridesman or a guest, I do not feel honored to asked to be a 'backup.' If you don't want me to actually be a bridesman, then I'd rather just be a guest."

downtondiva

I agree with everyone else. You have every right to tell your "friend" that you're hurt by being asked to be a backup (which is not a thing and very insulting to be asked to do). Tell her how you feel and that you'd rather just be a guest. Her reaction will tell you once and for all how much she really values your friendship.

thisismynickname2

Knottie1424457446 
Any updates? Did you talk to your friend?

holyguacamole79

So are you a backup in case Steve Harvey calls the name of the wrong brides-man?