Family Drama

Knottie6762317

Hey guys! I have an interesting situation and I am hoping someone knows how to deal with this. My fiancé has an older brother and older sister, we had already determined who we wanted in our parties, all of his guys accepted and all but one of my girls accepted. I was going to have my future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid to fill the last spot, her daughter is already the flower girl so it kind of just fit. Well before we could even ask the sister we get a call from his parents, apparently his brother is upset that he isn't involved in the wedding. I should note we are at the very beginning of the planning and haven't gotten that far yet. So parent called because brother is upset. What bothers me is that both my fiancé and his brother live in the same house and he could have come to us and asked if we needed help or just offer his services but instead went and made a big deal about this to the parents. So we have drama there and to make it better if too much of his family is involved my mother gets upset even though I don't have anyone for any position in the wedding other than as guests. We need a diplomatic solution without feeling pressure from parents to make them all happy. Hopefully someone with more experience can offer a solution. 

Sammy1112

If you're old enough to get married, you are old enough to nicely tell your parents to butt out and that all decisions will be made by the people getting married. End of story. No need to complicate matters, put a stop to the drama ASAP. Also, you can't complain too much about your inlaws getting involved if your Mom is guilty of the same. Tell them all that your wedding plans are not up for discussions or a vote. Good luck. 

ernursej

I would encourage you to have a direct conversation with the brother and avoid any back and forth with parents or other family members.

I'm not sure how far out you are from your wedding date, but often, choosing bridal party members is left for later on in the planning. You've already selected your wedding party and no one can be uninvited from the role or replaced if they are not able to be part of your day.

drunkenwitch

What do you mean by "fill a spot", these are people,  not props.

levioosa

Knottie6762317 said:

Hey guys! I have an interesting situation and I am hoping someone knows how to deal with this. My fiancé has an older brother and older sister, we had already determined who we wanted in our parties, all of his guys accepted and all but one of my girls accepted. I was going to have my future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid to fill the last spot, her daughter is already the flower girl so it kind of just fit. Well before we could even ask the sister we get a call from his parents, apparently his brother is upset that he isn't involved in the wedding. I should note we are at the very beginning of the planning and haven't gotten that far yet. So parent called because brother is upset. What bothers me is that both my fiancé and his brother live in the same house and he could have come to us and asked if we needed help or just offer his services but instead went and made a big deal about this to the parents. So we have drama there and to make it better if too much of his family is involved my mother gets upset even though I don't have anyone for any position in the wedding other than as guests. We need a diplomatic solution without feeling pressure from parents to make them all happy. Hopefully someone with more experience can offer a solution. 

I'm curious about your phrasing with the bolded. Even sides are not a thing. The only thing the wedding party is required to do is show up, on time, sober, and in the correct attire on the day of the wedding. Your WP should also be chosen no more than 6-9 months out from your wedding. 

The wedding party is supposed to consist of your nearest and dearest. If FBIL is not one of those, that's okay. Family is not required to be in the WP. If you truly want him to be involved in the day, the only other acceptable role is as a reader. You and FI are adults getting married. If FI doesn't want brother on his side, then he needs to tell his family the subject is closed to discussion. There is no need for multiple family members to get involved. 

glasgowtolondon

If the drama is coming from your FI's side then let him deal with it - blood talks to blood. If you want FSIL to stand on your side, ask her. But make sure it's because you truly couldn't imagine standing up without her and not because you already decided you 'need' X amount of BMs and you need to 'fill a spot'. Given she wasn't on your initial list it sounds like you only want her to make the sides even. Don't do that, it's not necessary at all. If FI doesn't want his brother to stand up with him, he doesn't ask him. He also shouldn't seek to talk to him about it unless he asks. Own the decision made like adults.

Maggie0829

Are you close to your FSIL?  Do you consider her a dear friend?  If not, don't ask her to be in your wedding just to fill a spot.  Like a PP said, these people are not props and sides do not have to be even.

As for the FBIL drama, let your FI deal with it.

I am always so shocked when people get so pissed when they aren't included in a wedding.  Like is being just a guest that horrible?  I am of the mind that being a guest is awesome because you still get to attend the wedding but you get to wear whatever the hell you want, enjoy cocktail hour instead of taking a shit ton of pictures, and save a bunch of money that would have otherwise gone to parties for the bride or groom.

OurWildKingdom

Maggie0829 said:

Are you close to your FSIL?  Do you consider her a dear friend?  If not, don't ask her to be in your wedding just to fill a spot.  Like a PP said, these people are not props and sides do not have to be even.

As for the FBIL drama, let your FI deal with it.

I am always so shocked when people get so pissed when they aren't included in a wedding.  Like is being just a guest that horrible?  I am of the mind that being a guest is awesome because you still get to attend the wedding but you get to wear whatever the hell you want, enjoy cocktail hour instead of taking a shit ton of pictures, and save a bunch of money that would have otherwise gone to parties for the bride or groom.

Right?????

Jen4948

Your FI should tell his parents: "We each chose our bridal party based on who we feel closest to, and those are our decisions to make alone.  You and FI's parents do not get a say."

And he should tell his brother: "Two things, bro: It's strictly up to me who my groomsmen are, and if that bothers you, you should have come directly to me instead of going behind my back and complaining to Mom and Dad.  And that goes for everything else about my wedding.  Get over it."  

And then you both need to tell your parents to butt out of each other's business.

CMGragain

Knottie6762317 said:

Hey guys! I have an interesting situation and I am hoping someone knows how to deal with this. My fiancé has an older brother and older sister, we had already determined who we wanted in our parties, all of his guys accepted and all but one of my girls accepted. I was going to have my future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid to fill the last spot, her daughter is already the flower girl so it kind of just fit. Well before we could even ask the sister we get a call from his parents, apparently his brother is upset that he isn't involved in the wedding. I should note we are at the very beginning of the planning and haven't gotten that far yet. So parent called because brother is upset. What bothers me is that both my fiancé and his brother live in the same house and he could have come to us and asked if we needed help or just offer his services but instead went and made a big deal about this to the parents. So we have drama there and to make it better if too much of his family is involved my mother gets upset even though I don't have anyone for any position in the wedding other than as guests. We need a diplomatic solution without feeling pressure from parents to make them all happy. Hopefully someone with more experience can offer a solution. 

CN:  Groom's parents telephone to say brother is upset that he isn't in the wedding party.

How do you know that your FI's brother is really upset about this?  Did your FI talk to him?  Why not?  You are taking hear say from the parents as gospel.  Ever play "telephone" in elementary school? 
Fi needs to talk to his brother immediately.  You should butt out.
I do hope you aren't one of those silly brides who thinks the sides have to be even in your wedding party.

AddieCake

Are you holding any auditions to "fill" that last "spot"? My best friend just eloped, so I didn't get to be a bridesmaid. I was expecting to be, so if I could fill that spot for you, I could get some satisfaction.