FMIL Problem?

annaclark857

My FMIL is an absolute awesome woman. I admire her so much and we get along great! I can't wait till she goes from FMIL to just MIL lol! One problem has come up though that I know we won't agree on, the guest list. She really wants to invite a lot of distant family that neither she nor my FI are that close with but she doesn't want to exclude them, which i understand 100%. But, since I'm not inviting my distant family because they aren't close (have never even met half of them) and because we would be pushing our budget I feel like its ok to not invite my FI's distant relatives. She mentioned this to my FI very recently(everyone knew we were about to engaged) and now that the planning has begun I'm nervous she will push this on us. I'm thinking of just having my FI tell her no, but I wonder if it would be better if it came from me so she knows how much it matters to me? Any advice?

lembaslover

laurwilliams said:

My FMIL is an absolute awesome woman. I admire her so much and we get along great! I can't wait till she goes from FMIL to just MIL lol! One problem has come up though that I know we won't agree on, the guest list. She really wants to invite a lot of distant family that neither she nor my FI are that close with but she doesn't want to exclude them, which i understand 100%. But, since I'm not inviting my distant family because they aren't close (have never even met half of them) and because we would be pushing our budget I feel like its ok to not invite my FI's distant relatives. She mentioned this to my FI very recently(everyone knew we were about to engaged) and now that the planning has begun I'm nervous she will push this on us. I'm thinking of just having my FI tell her no, but I wonder if it would be better if it came from me so she knows how much it matters to me? Any advice?

Let your FI talk to her. It's usually best that blood talks to blood in these situations. Also is she paying? If so she does get some say in the guest list. Not that you necessarily need to invite everyone on her list but you should take into consideration what she is asking and maybe see if you can reach a compromise. If she's not paying then you are free to not invite any of his distant relatives but again have your FI communicate this to her. 

MesmrEwe

I agree with the PP - a lot depends on who's paying, and blood talks to blood.  If FMIL has her heart set on the extra guests and she's paying, and you've got the space, then go ahead and invite.  If FI's distant relatives are invited and yours aren't, this isn't a discussion you need to have with anyone else because it's your business who gets invited and who doesn't.  If your side comes up in discussion with your side, the same conditions apply.

For our wedding, DH & I were able to invite all the distant relatives and it was wonderful as some were able to come, but at least on my side, we're relatively close to some of even our fourth cousins, so that's where for us it's nice to have an event to get everyone together for. 

Hny65

First, in general, isn't it recommended to solidify the guest list, figure out the budget, then figure out how to make them work together?  Sounds like you have tried and it just doesn't work? 
 
I was in a similar situation with in-laws extended family all invited and not much of mine since I didn't know mine really.  I didn't think it was odd as the family situations were so different and MIL and FIL were helping.  Weddings in their family also end up being a bit of a family reunion since people can't see everyone at once very often -which of course isn't your responsibility- maybe she's subconsciously coming from that perspective too.

Perhaps a discussion with all three (four? FFIL?) of you would be good.  I don't think it would be as useful being one of you and your FI or the other.  

If you end up not being able to invite everyone, spreading the word that it's a "small, intimate" wedding will hopefully work out.

kylexo

I don't think this is worth addressing unless she actually brings it up now that you're planning, in which case definitely have your FH handle it.

I know it's super easy to get wrapped up in the craziness of all of this planning, but this seems like you're getting worried and worked up about something that may turn out to be a total non issue.

ETA: Wanted to add that I expected my mom to have a lot more thoughts and opinions about my wedding planning than she's turned out to have, and it's been such a pleasant surprise! I still have 4 months to go, so she might suddenly get more opinions, but I think most people realize that opinions cost $$ when it comes to wedding planning.

Jen4948

Well, like the PPs suggest, have your FI do all the communication with his mother in the matter.

I would first come up with a guest list that doesn't include your FMIL's extra guests, and work out how much per person it will cost to host those guests, as well as how much it would cost to host everyone.  Then your FI can say to his mother, "Mom, we ran the numbers, and it will cost $X per guest.  In order to host your extra guests as well as Laurwilliams' family and friends and our other guests, we will have to come up with a total of $Total.  Laurwilliams and I talked about it and we can't afford that on the money we have available.  If you want us to invite those other guests, we'll need you to contribute $Amount.  Otherwise, we can't invite those guests."
 
This assumes you are willing to take her money, because if you do, she gets a say in the plans.  If you aren't, then he can say, "Mom, I'm sorry, and I realize it's disappointing, but we can't add all these extra people to our guest list." 

wandajune6

Jen4948 said:

Well, like the PPs suggest, have your FI do all the communication with his mother in the matter.

I would first come up with a guest list that doesn't include your FMIL's extra guests, and work out how much per person it will cost to host those guests, as well as how much it would cost to host everyone.  Then your FI can say to his mother, "Mom, we ran the numbers, and it will cost $X per guest.  In order to host your extra guests as well as Laurwilliams' family and friends and our other guests, we will have to come up with a total of $Total.  Laurwilliams and I talked about it and we can't afford that on the money we have available.  If you want us to invite those other guests, we'll need you to contribute $Amount.  Otherwise, we can't invite those guests."
 
This assumes you are willing to take her money, because if you do, she gets a say in the plans.  If you aren't, then he can say, "Mom, I'm sorry, and I realize it's disappointing, but we can't add all these extra people to our guest list." 

We did something similar. We had a guest list that included many of the people on my parent's list but they had a lot that they wanted to include beyond that. As their additions would bump us into a more expensive per person bracket (size threshold meant more bartenders, a bigger room, etc.) we told them our situation. Then we let them decide who they wanted to add (or sub out from their friends) with the understanding that they needed to pay for them.

They helped us out with the wedding and, after enough declines, we decided not to ask them for the additional money for their friends but it definitely kept things reasonable.

Just make sure that you don't invite anyone that you can't afford or don't have room for. My MIL suggested inviting some distant relatives just for gifts (ick) but it would have been a disaster if we did that and they actually came.

annaclark857

Thank you all! I agree, I think it's best to have my FI go to FMIL and have a talk and if that doesnt work we can all have a sit down and an open discussion! Thanks!

[Deleted User]

laurwilliams said:

Thank you all! I agree, I think it's best to have my FI go to FMIL and have a talk and if that doesnt work we can all have a sit down and an open discussion! Thanks!

You and your fiance need to come to a decision about how you'll handle it.  THEN you send FI to talk to his mother.  You can even be in the room, but it needs to be him saying, "Mom, Laur and I have decided... We (this) and We (that)."  You need to show that you're a team.  If he's at all a Mama's Boy, you may want to do some mock conversations so he knows how to handle it when she comes out with, "But she babysat you when I went back to work when you were four!  She NEEDS to come.  She's EXPECTing an invitation."  Come up with answers and responses as a team, and he speaks them to mom.

CMGragain

One sugestion that might please your FMIL:  I had wedding announcements printed up with my daughter's FILS name announcing the marriage.  I gave them to her at the rehearsal dinner and encouraged her to send them to friends and family that had not been invited to the wedding.

Mr. and Mrs. John Groomsparents

announce the marriage of

Miss (Ms.) Bride's Full Name

to their son

Groom's First Middle

Date of wedding

City, State

SP29

Another option, if you have the space and budget, is to tell FMIL, we have X seats available (whether that is 5, 10 or 20) for you to invite some extended family. Please send us a list of guests by Y date.