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flantastic

Knottie1451345765 said:

When my fiancé asked me to marry him on Christmas eve I called my best friend almost immediately afterwards to ask her to be my Maid of honor. She seemed excited at the time, however the next week when my fiancé and I went to meet her for brunch she did not seem as excited. She made me feel bad about wanting to have a nice, big wedding by talking about how she would never spend that much on this and that  constantly talked about what her wedding is going to be like (she is not even engaged).

Not too long after that she started telling me about how she found venues that her and her boyfriend could get married at for really cheap and how if he asked her she planned on being married a few months later.

Anytime I speak with her on the phone or in person she constantly talks about how she wants her bf to marry her, where they can get married, etc. She totally monopolizes the conversation to talk about her and her boyfriend and their wedding when he has not even asked her yet!! She will not let me have my own wedding moments without talking about what hers will be like and her ideas for her wedding. Its driving me nuts.

Here is where my major problem lies. Her boyfriend is coming into town this week (they have a long distance relationship) she was planning on seeing him in 2 weeks to visit his family, but he decided to spring a visit on her to see her and her family before going to see his. I know he is going to ask her to marry him. If he did I would be happy for her because she obviously really wants it to happen, however my BIG concern is if she talks non-stop about her wedding now what is it going to be like when she is ACTUALLY engaged?!?! It will become all about her and her wedding. I feel like she is upset that I am engaged before her. She not only plans on getting married before me when asked, but I know for sure she is going to ask me to be her maid of honor. I cannot afford to plan and save for my wedding and plan events and parties for her as well. She is leaving in a few months to live with her fiancé out of town and I am worried she will expect the world of me for her wedding and planning and leave me high and dry when it comes to being there for my wedding events. She is already making everything all about her and I just don't know what to do. HELP!

Okay.

No one will be as excited for your wedding as you are. If she's planning her own wedding, she will naturally be excited about it. This is not stealing your thunder in any way.

However, I think you need to talk to her and say that you want to hang out, have conversations, etc. that aren't about weddings - yours or hers. What did you talk about before you got engaged? Why are you friends? Keep doing those things. A lot of friendships fall apart during wedding planning if the bride (you or her) can't seem to talk about anything else.

If you feel like she's trying to turn all your wedding planning back on herself, stop talking about it with her. She doesn't need to be involved in that, contrary to popular belief. She also doesn't need to plan you any parties, although many MOHs offer to do that. The good news is, if she asks you to be her MOH, you also don't have to do any party or wedding planning with or for her either, although you may offer as much as you feel you can do.

The role of a MOH is to stand next to you when you get married. Period. The point of doing that is to honor the friendship - she's closest to you, so you highlight that by asking her to stand physically closest to you. So don't lose the friendship over this.

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1451345765 said:

When my fiancé asked me to marry him on Christmas eve I called my best friend almost immediately afterwards to ask her to be my Maid of honor. She seemed excited at the time, however the next week when my fiancé and I went to meet her for brunch she did not seem as excited. She made me feel bad about wanting to have a nice, big wedding by talking about how she would never spend that much on this and that  constantly talked about what her wedding is going to be like (she is not even engaged).

Not too long after that she started telling me about how she found venues that her and her boyfriend could get married at for really cheap and how if he asked her she planned on being married a few months later.

Anytime I speak with her on the phone or in person she constantly talks about how she wants her bf to marry her, where they can get married, etc. She totally monopolizes the conversation to talk about her and her boyfriend and their wedding when he has not even asked her yet!! She will not let me have my own wedding moments without talking about what hers will be like and her ideas for her wedding. Its driving me nuts.

Here is where my major problem lies. Her boyfriend is coming into town this week (they have a long distance relationship) she was planning on seeing him in 2 weeks to visit his family, but he decided to spring a visit on her to see her and her family before going to see his. I know he is going to ask her to marry him. If he did I would be happy for her because she obviously really wants it to happen, however my BIG concern is if she talks non-stop about her wedding now what is it going to be like when she is ACTUALLY engaged?!?! It will become all about her and her wedding. I feel like she is upset that I am engaged before her. She not only plans on getting married before me when asked, but I know for sure she is going to ask me to be her maid of honor. I cannot afford to plan and save for my wedding and plan events and parties for her as well. She is leaving in a few months to live with her fiancé out of town and I am worried she will expect the world of me for her wedding and planning and leave me high and dry when it comes to being there for my wedding events. She is already making everything all about her and I just don't know what to do. HELP!

There is no thunder to steal. You get one day, if/when she gets married, she gets one day. Thats it. If your friend keeps changing the subject to talk about her wedding, stop talking about weddings with her. Talk to another friend, your FI, your mum. Perhaps she feels left out or a little jealous? Thats what it sounds like from your post.

Honestly, if she gets engaged at this upcoming visit and you don't think you can be her MOH then say no. It's not a dirty word. 'Friend, I am so excited for your wedding however due to the cost and time of my own wedding I do not feel able to be your MOH. I can't wait to be a guest at your wedding, and celebrating with you'. Done. What are you expecting from her as your MOH? You know all a bridesmaid or MOH has to do is show up, semi-sober, in a dress (if thats what you agree on), and smile for some photos. Neither her, nor you, are obligated to DO anything in each others wedding. 

Sherbie25

glasgowtolondon said:

Knottie1451345765 said:

When my fiancé asked me to marry him on Christmas eve I called my best friend almost immediately afterwards to ask her to be my Maid of honor. She seemed excited at the time, however the next week when my fiancé and I went to meet her for brunch she did not seem as excited. She made me feel bad about wanting to have a nice, big wedding by talking about how she would never spend that much on this and that  constantly talked about what her wedding is going to be like (she is not even engaged).

Not too long after that she started telling me about how she found venues that her and her boyfriend could get married at for really cheap and how if he asked her she planned on being married a few months later.

Anytime I speak with her on the phone or in person she constantly talks about how she wants her bf to marry her, where they can get married, etc. She totally monopolizes the conversation to talk about her and her boyfriend and their wedding when he has not even asked her yet!! She will not let me have my own wedding moments without talking about what hers will be like and her ideas for her wedding. Its driving me nuts.

Here is where my major problem lies. Her boyfriend is coming into town this week (they have a long distance relationship) she was planning on seeing him in 2 weeks to visit his family, but he decided to spring a visit on her to see her and her family before going to see his. I know he is going to ask her to marry him. If he did I would be happy for her because she obviously really wants it to happen, however my BIG concern is if she talks non-stop about her wedding now what is it going to be like when she is ACTUALLY engaged?!?! It will become all about her and her wedding. I feel like she is upset that I am engaged before her. She not only plans on getting married before me when asked, but I know for sure she is going to ask me to be her maid of honor. I cannot afford to plan and save for my wedding and plan events and parties for her as well. She is leaving in a few months to live with her fiancé out of town and I am worried she will expect the world of me for her wedding and planning and leave me high and dry when it comes to being there for my wedding events. She is already making everything all about her and I just don't know what to do. HELP!

There is no thunder to steal. You get one day, if/when she gets married, she gets one day. Thats it. If your friend keeps changing the subject to talk about her wedding, stop talking about weddings with her. Talk to another friend, your FI, your mum. Perhaps she feels left out or a little jealous? Thats what it sounds like from your post.

Honestly, if she gets engaged at this upcoming visit and you don't think you can be her MOH then say no. It's not a dirty word. 'Friend, I am so excited for your wedding however due to the cost and time of my own wedding I do not feel able to be your MOH. I can't wait to be a guest at your wedding, and celebrating with you'. Done. What are you expecting from her as your MOH? You know all a bridesmaid or MOH has to do is show up, semi-sober, in a dress (if thats what you agree on), and smile for some photos. Neither her, nor you, are obligated to DO anything in each others wedding. 

Ragret!

downtondiva

Sorry for the long reply, but I have a lot to say about this. 

- Your friend may be talking a lot about her hypothetical wedding because she feels a little left behind and maybe even a little insecure. She's probably anxious for the time that she and her boyfriend are no longer in a long distance relationship and that's why she keeps talking about it. I was in a long distance relationship with my now husband for quite a while, and I know I felt that way a lot. Talking about your future makes it feel more real and more reachable when you don't get to see your SO very often.

- That being said, I understand why this is annoying you, and I think the best solution would be to stop talking to her about weddings, period. If she's close enough to you to be your MOH, surely you can talk about other things. 

- She is not stealing your thunder. It's perfectly fine for two people to have a lot going on in their lives at the same time. If she does get married before you, it will not make your wedding any less exciting or special. 

- As maid of honor, you would not be obligated to throw parties for her, just as she is not obligated to do that for you. All you'd be required to do is show up showered, sober, and in the proper attire that day. That being said, if you still think this is not a good time for you to be her MOH, be honest and tell her so when the subject comes up. 

- Lower your expectations and relax. Nobody has to help you plan your wedding, and you don't have to help with theirs. Nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are, and you won't be as excited about theirs. And that's okay. 

drunkenwitch

You're not Thor, you have no thunder to steal. The world doesn't stop spinning when you get engaged. 

ETA,  agree with PPs. A naid of honor, or any member of the wedding party isn't obligated to do jack shit except show up in a previously agreed upon outfit and smile for the pictures. 

bleve0821

My BFF and MOH got engaged two weeks after I did.  Her wedding is two weeks after mine.  She's having a small, intimate affair with family only (which makes me sad that I can't share her special day with her, but it's her and her FI's decision, not mine, and she has my unconditional support), and I'm having a shindig with most of the bells and whistles.  We have never had one conversation that revolved around weddings, either hers or mine.  We've never even met each other's FIs, but we couldn't be happier for each other.

I don't know her, but I don't necessarily think your MOH feels left out, and I don't think she's intentionally trying to steal your thunder.  I met my FI (then boyfriend) through his younger brother, who was a roommate of mine and planning a wedding of his own.  I had a first-hand look at the ups and downs of wedding planning (it didn't go well for them), and I pretty much started planning my own wedding then and there.  And yes, I talked to my mom and my BFF about my vision.  I'd dated FI for all of 6 months when that wedding happened.

It wasn't intentional, I just had a very unique view of wedding planning and, coming at it from a less invested angle, I knew what they wanted and paid for (and fought over) wasn't anything close to what I wanted to pay for (or fight over).  A beach wedding?  Mm, no, thanks, I'm not that crazy about sand. 

I didn't feel left out at any point.  I knew FI was the one, and even if he wasn't (I never actually expected him to stick around this long, haha), that the wedding his brother was planning wasn't MY wedding. 

You're kind of giving your MOH that same kind of perspective, by wanting to talk all wedding all the time.  What you want isn't what she wants.  What you have budgeted for isn't what she wants to budget for.  There's nothing wrong with that.  Your MOH is allowed to dream, too.  Someone very close to her is getting married, and she seems to think that opportunity is coming for her, too.  Naturally, she will be thinking about what she wants.

At the end of the day, does it really matter who gets married first?  YOU'RE MARRYING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, and she'll marry hers.  If that isn't the most important part of this picture for you, maybe you need to take a step back and rethink why you're getting married, and why you are BFFs.  Love isn't a competition.  A wedding isn't a race to be won.  A wedding is just another day.  None of this should drive a wedge between you and your BFF.

Knottie1451345765 said:

Here is where my major problem lies. Her boyfriend is coming into town this week (they have a long distance relationship) she was planning on seeing him in 2 weeks to visit his family, but he decided to spring a visit on her to see her and her family before going to see his. I know he is going to ask her to marry him. If he did I would be happy for her because she obviously really wants it to happen, however my BIG concern is if she talks non-stop about her wedding now what is it going to be like when she is ACTUALLY engaged?!?! It will become all about her and her wedding. I feel like she is upset that I am engaged before her.

The first bolded is a huge red flag for me.  Why can't you be happy for her because she found the love of her life, the one who makes HER happy?  Because, well, she's engaged?  As to the second... Well, sweetheart, that's kind of what happens.  No one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are, and you can't expect a newly engaged woman to say, "But that's enough about how he proposed, let's talk about YOUR wedding."

You're right about the world not revolving around her, but being engaged and planning a wedding does not mean the world revolves around you, either.  It sounds to me like you're the one who is asking the world of her.

Stop talking about it with her.  Trust that she's happy for you, and when that moment comes for her, be happy and supportive of her.

thisismynickname2

Bleve0821 said:

At the end of the day, does it really matter who gets married first?  YOU'RE MARRYING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, and she'll marry hers.  If that isn't the most important part of this picture for you, maybe you need to take a step back and rethink why you're getting married, and why you are BFFs.  Love isn't a competition.  A wedding isn't a race to be won.  A wedding is just another day.  None of this should drive a wedge between you and your BFF.

You're right about the world not revolving around her, but being engaged and planning a wedding does not mean the world revolves around you, either.  It sounds to me like you're the one who is asking the world of her.

Stop talking about it with her.  Trust that she's happy for you, and when that moment comes for her, be happy and supportive of her.

All of this!

Assuming she does get engaged, it's really fun to be engaged at the same time as someone else. It's double the excitement. You have someone who understands the fun stuff and frustrations of planning an event, no matter how big or small. Look on the bright side. 

glasgowtolondon

Ah, deleting the question even though it has been quoted. How original. 

OurWildKingdom

thisismynickname said:

Bleve0821 said:

At the end of the day, does it really matter who gets married first?  YOU'RE MARRYING THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, and she'll marry hers.  If that isn't the most important part of this picture for you, maybe you need to take a step back and rethink why you're getting married, and why you are BFFs.  Love isn't a competition.  A wedding isn't a race to be won.  A wedding is just another day.  None of this should drive a wedge between you and your BFF.

You're right about the world not revolving around her, but being engaged and planning a wedding does not mean the world revolves around you, either.  It sounds to me like you're the one who is asking the world of her.

Stop talking about it with her.  Trust that she's happy for you, and when that moment comes for her, be happy and supportive of her.

All of this!

Assuming she does get engaged, it's really fun to be engaged at the same time as someone else. It's double the excitement. You have someone who understands the fun stuff and frustrations of planning an event, no matter how big or small. Look on the bright side. 

^^^^^^^ So true!

tigerlily6

Ragrets

madamerwin

Came for the DD, and I am a bit disappointed in how tame this thread is.

kimmiinthemitten

I wish it wasn't a DD because I really want to know how she knows he's proposing this weekend.

Does she know as in:

he called and told her expecting her to be happy and exciting waiting for the official announcement?  Or
does she just know like ugh it's just my luck and I just know he'll do it right now to ruin me?!  

Because it sounds like the latter.