Bridesmaids, Weddings, and Thank you notes

Knottie1448131004

Need advice on the etiquette of this - in case it happens again to a friend or myself again. 

So I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for my friend this past November. I'm in medical school at the moment and I live quite far away (14+ hours by plane). When I committed to be apart of the wedding I was doing a little better financially and I thought I would be able to attend despite my academic commitment. I ending up having to backout last minute (~2.5 weeks beforehand) because of a school new policy. Basically, if I left I would fail. My question is, would you be mad at me if I backout last minute and it was your wedding? And is it wrong for me to still expect a thank you note for the gift I gave her? 

LondonLisa

Knottie1448131004 said:

Need advice on the etiquette of this - in case it happens again to a friend or myself again. 

So I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for my friend this past November. I'm in medical school at the moment and I live quite far away (14+ hours by plane). When I committed to be apart of the wedding I was doing a little better financially and I thought I would be able to attend despite my academic commitment. I ending up having to backout last minute (~2.5 weeks beforehand) because of a school new policy. Basically, if I left I would fail. My question is, would you be mad at me if I backout last minute and it was your wedding? And is it wrong for me to still expect a thank you note for the gift I gave her? 

I would be hurt and disappointed that it was done 2.5 weeks before the wedding but I would understand it was out of my BM's control because I am an adult. Of course you should still receive a TY note for a gift! 

Although I do have to ask, was this policy only adopted 2.5 weeks before the wedding or did you leave it to the last minute so you couldn't swing it? It's just that 2.5 weeks is REALLY close, and by that time you should have had your flights booked etc. It sounds like the school policy was being used as the main issue for a catalogue of reasons (expense, time etc) that you did know about beforehand. It sounds like you weren't really 100% on board before this policy (and were hemming and hawing) and it is being used as the excuse. That is a bit flakey and I would be lying if I wasn't hurt. Would it have been better for you to flag this six months out- definitely, but it is what it is. 

Knottie1448131004

I did have my hesitations beforehand, which I expressed to the bride 6 months prior but then felt like a total a** for doing so because after all it wasn't about me at all and she was pretty stressed already about the wedding. I decided to commit despite my immediate family and other friends telling me what I was doing was ridiculous because of the time and expense ($3,500+ spent). I bought the dress/shoes, attended the Bachelorette, bought the gifts (wedding/bachelorette), booked accommodation/transport and flight. The only thing I didn't attend was the bridal shower because I was taking exams at the time. 

I guess I used the change of policy as the major excuse because I didn't want to say it was about other things as well. Really it was about the time, money, and university obligations. To be fair, we weren't informed of the policy until we arrive back at the university the first day and there was no way of knowing it was going to change. Yep. So I still feel horrible about it. No more weddings for me besides my own.  

LondonLisa

Knottie1448131004 said:

I did have my hesitations beforehand, which I expressed to the bride 6 months prior but then felt like a total a** for doing so because after all it wasn't about me at all and she was pretty stressed already about the wedding. I decided to commit despite my immediate family and other friends telling me what I was doing was ridiculous because of the time and expense ($3,000+ spent). I bought the dress/shoes, attended the Bachelorette, bought the gifts (wedding/bachelorette), booked accommodation/transport and flight. The only thing I didn't attend was the bridal shower because I was taking exams at the time. 

I guess I used the change of policy as the major excuse because I didn't want to say it was about other things as well. Really it was about the time, money, and university obligations. To be fair, we weren't informed of the policy until we arrive back at the university the first day and there was no way of knowing it was going to change. Yep. So I still feel horrible about it. No more weddings for me besides my own.  

Every reason you gave was perfectly valid to pull out, but you should have pulled out 6 months beforehand. It was a bit ineffectual  and conflict avoidant to wait 2.5 weeks beforehand. But it is what it is. I'd be hurt but I wouldn't want to end a friendship over it. No need to beat yourself up, but just for the future, problems tackled early and head on usually have the easiest outcome for everyone.

Knottie1448131004

Yes, I agree. Luckily, I have a good friend and she didn't decide to end the friendship for which I'm grateful. 

charlotte989875

Yah, I'm with everyone else on this. At two and a half weeks she probably already had flower orders in, possibly catering numbers, bought your gift, etc. Hopefully she can adjust them, but still you didn't exactly give her much time. I'd treat this as a lesson learned, even if conversations are difficult you need to have them when concerns first arise, not at the last minute. Be thankful you have a pretty understanding friend and move on. And yes, you absolutely still deserve a thank you note.

JediElizabeth

I agree with PPs, though I want to add in your defense: I used to work at an international university, and they would change testing or other policies at the drop of a pin if they felt their test scores were dropping too far or if they found out they had been doing something wrong. At US schools, students are often part of the change process, or at least informed ahead of time, but not at many international schools, particularly with foreign or for-profit governance. 

But, like PPs said, although 6 months would have been ideal, 2.5 weeks is probably further out than her RSVPs were due. At the very least, the bride was probably able to change her numbers with her vendors. As an adult, I expect her to understand and still send a thank you card.  


Knottie1448131004 said:

Yes, I agree. Luckily, I have a good friend and she didn't decide to end the friendship for which I'm grateful. 

I'm sure she's a great friend, but I'm not sure that matters here. I'd find it really immature if she ended the friendship over this, no matter what the rest of your relationship was like. 

AddieCake

You definitely should have handled it differently, but yes, she should send a thank you note to anyone who gave her a gift.

KnickerGold

To be honest, I'd be pretty upset. I wouldn't end the friendship over it though. But 2.5 weeks out means flowers/food/programs have been ordered (and we'd have to reprint all of the programs!) and hair & makeup booked, and I'm paying for my BM's dresses, so I'd be out that as well. So I'd be out a lot of $. Which could have been avoided if that person had just declined when asked. 

But, I don't know that I'd ask someone living a 14 hour flight away to be a BM- only because I wouldn't want them to feel obligated to go 'above and beyond' what they would if they were just a 'normal guest' if that makes sense. 
Like I invited a girl who I am very close with to my wedding, which is a 12+ hour flight from where she lives. I thought of making her a BM, but I didn't want to make her feel as though I was 'summoning' her (Yes- I am fully aware that asking someone to be a BM does not mean they HAVE to, but she's the type of person who would go out of her way to be there, even if it was difficult for her)

JediElizabeth

KnickerGold said:

To be honest, I'd be pretty upset. I wouldn't end the friendship over it though. But 2.5 weeks out means flowers/food/programs have been ordered (and we'd have to reprint all of the programs!) and hair & makeup booked, and I'm paying for my BM's dresses, so I'd be out that as well. So I'd be out a lot of $. Which could have been avoided if that person had just declined when asked. 

But, I don't know that I'd ask someone living a 14 hour flight away to be a BM- only because I wouldn't want them to feel obligated to go 'above and beyond' what they would if they were just a 'normal guest' if that makes sense. 
Like I invited a girl who I am very close with to my wedding, which is a 12+ hour flight from where she lives. I thought of making her a BM, but I didn't want to make her feel as though I was 'summoning' her (Yes- I am fully aware that asking someone to be a BM does not mean they HAVE to, but she's the type of person who would go out of her way to be there, even if it was difficult for her)

To the first bold: it would be ok for the bride to be "upset." I'd be sad, disappointed that the situation didn't work out as I wanted it to, and a bit annoyed (though more at the school than the BM). I wouldn't let that control my actions through. As an adult I'd be understanding, appreciative of the gift, and the idea of ending the friendship wouldn't enter my mind. 

To the second; I wouldn't reprint the programs. I'd still consider this person a BM, even if she couldn't be physically there. I'd probably make an announcement at the rehersal dinner, to make sure the wedding party & parents knew (and understood) her absence, but I'd leave it at that. None of the other guests would likely care or notice. 

To the third: yeahhhhhh, that would be super obnoxious. I do have a BM who's an 8 hour flight away, but I'm telling mine to get a black dress of any style or price point as long as it uses lace in some way. The fact that she lives in Europe is one of the many reasons I decided not to even think about matching them all. 

SP29

KnickerGold said:

To be honest, I'd be pretty upset. I wouldn't end the friendship over it though. But 2.5 weeks out means flowers/food/programs have been ordered (and we'd have to reprint all of the programs!) and hair & makeup booked, and I'm paying for my BM's dresses, so I'd be out that as well. So I'd be out a lot of $. Which could have been avoided if that person had just declined when asked. 

But, I don't know that I'd ask someone living a 14 hour flight away to be a BM- only because I wouldn't want them to feel obligated to go 'above and beyond' what they would if they were just a 'normal guest' if that makes sense. 
Like I invited a girl who I am very close with to my wedding, which is a 12+ hour flight from where she lives. I thought of making her a BM, but I didn't want to make her feel as though I was 'summoning' her (Yes- I am fully aware that asking someone to be a BM does not mean they HAVE to, but she's the type of person who would go out of her way to be there, even if it was difficult for her)

Anyone is free to do what they want, but I think the last 2 paragraphs here are unfortunate. Nothing against you personally KnickerGold, more so the way society makes us all think about weddings and WPs. More sad that you felt you couldn't ask your good friend to be in your WP because it would make you feel like you were asking too much.

DH and I were living OOT at the time of our wedding- got married in our hometown. My MOH lives in my hometown, so wedding local for her, but I only saw her twice in person in the time leading up to the wedding. I asked two women who lived OOT with me to be in the wedding. One told me she had to think about it right off the bat, then got back to me with a "Sorry, I can't swing the money or time for travel"- cool, no worries! The other said yes, and the travel required a plane flight. I had a bridal shower in my hometown. Then I had a bacchelorette where I lived OOT. In both cases, the 2 women in my WP knew about the events going on, but neither traveled to make the party that would have been OOT for them, nor would I expect them to. I probably would have asked if they were crazy if they mentioned wanting to fly in for the party.

Now the flight in question above was only 3.5 hours, not 12+ hours, but I feel like if someone accepted an invitation as a guest to make that 12+ hour flight, there would be no difference with that person getting off a plane and walking up the aisle to stand beside the B or G the day of.

kvruns

SP29 said:

KnickerGold said:

To be honest, I'd be pretty upset. I wouldn't end the friendship over it though. But 2.5 weeks out means flowers/food/programs have been ordered (and we'd have to reprint all of the programs!) and hair & makeup booked, and I'm paying for my BM's dresses, so I'd be out that as well. So I'd be out a lot of $. Which could have been avoided if that person had just declined when asked. 

But, I don't know that I'd ask someone living a 14 hour flight away to be a BM- only because I wouldn't want them to feel obligated to go 'above and beyond' what they would if they were just a 'normal guest' if that makes sense. 
Like I invited a girl who I am very close with to my wedding, which is a 12+ hour flight from where she lives. I thought of making her a BM, but I didn't want to make her feel as though I was 'summoning' her (Yes- I am fully aware that asking someone to be a BM does not mean they HAVE to, but she's the type of person who would go out of her way to be there, even if it was difficult for her)

Anyone is free to do what they want, but I think the last 2 paragraphs here are unfortunate. Nothing against you personally KnickerGold, more so the way society makes us all think about weddings and WPs. More sad that you felt you couldn't ask your good friend to be in your WP because it would make you feel like you were asking too much.

.

My H didn't ask one of the guy's I'd consider to be one of his best friends to be a GM because he said he didn't want to burden him at having to get a suit to wear. They had a new baby at home and he knew money was tight and the guy would probably have to buy a suit to be in the wedding. I was like let him make that decision, maybe he has a black suit you don't know about, maybe he can borrow one, or maybe he doesn't care but you shouldn't not ask him just because you think he can't afford something to wear.