Bachelorette Party with partial sleep over?

Katiebride08

I am the MOH in my very best friends wedding... She has had some really challenging stuff handed to her over the years and I want to give her the best bachelorette party ever! However, I do not have unlimited means and have to work within a budget... there will be no fully paid trip in her future. However, I am borrowing a family member's beach house for a weekend (fri-sun). 
The bride asked for a beach day and dinner at the house... Let's just say that 30 is the new 20 and we are not that newly 20....
So with the beach day there will be a few extras...
-Working on an active group activity (bride reads broads so I don't want to give details but it's an outside activity that will be fun) 
- shirts
-personalized cups for beach fun
- might get towels (in the wedding colors and write with bleach pen to customize)
-random prizes/goodies for the party goers 
-snacks/lunch 
-drinks 
-seafood dinner
-dessert 

The house sleeps 9. 

How do I invite the 21 people the bride would like at the beach day/dinner without putting people out that everyone cannot stay at the house. We can double up and use an air mattress and get to 11 but I cannot pack this house like we would have 10 years ago. I want to give the bride the fun day with lots of friends she wants while managing the fact that I cannot have 21 people sleep over. 

I dont want to disappoint the bride, who means the world to me and has enough stress to deal with. I do not know all of these people so I dont know who to level with and have get the word out that there are only so many beds. 

Oh and most of the guests are about 30-45 min away with a handful about 3 hours and a few (me included) in the 5-6 hour range. My thought was to open it up to the 5-6 hour guest first, in case they want to come down friday night and then open it up to the 3-4 hour then the close ppl. Or do I go by the closeness to the bride? Is there a PC way to word this on an invitation? Should I not mention it as an over night on the invite but tell a few people at a time? Do I level with the 21 guests and just tell everyone that there is limited space; everyone is welcome to play but only 1/2 can sleep over? Then there is my reluctance to send people who have been drinking on the road... I know I am making this harder then it has to be, I'm hoping one of you can look from a removed place and give me the clarity I need. Normally I bounce things off the bride, but dont need to give her my stress when I'm doing my best to take hers... 

Oh and what's the protocol- do bachelorette party guests expect to chip in or have everything paid for in full?

TIA

geebee908

Katiebride08 said:

I am the MOH in my very best friends wedding... She has had some really challenging stuff handed to her over the years and I want to give her the best bachelorette party ever! However, I do not have unlimited means and have to work within a budget... there will be no fully paid trip in her future. However, I am borrowing a family member's beach house for a weekend (fri-sun). 
The bride asked for a beach day and dinner at the house... Let's just say that 30 is the new 20 and we are not that newly 20....
So with the beach day there will be a few extras...
-Working on an active group activity (bride reads broads so I don't want to give details but it's an outside activity that will be fun) 
- shirts
-personalized cups for beach fun
- might get towels (in the wedding colors and write with bleach pen to customize)
-random prizes/goodies for the party goers 
-snacks/lunch 
-drinks 
-seafood dinner
-dessert 

The house sleeps 9. 

How do I invite the 21 people the bride would like at the beach day/dinner without putting people out that everyone cannot stay at the house. We can double up and use an air mattress and get to 11 but I cannot pack this house like we would have 10 years ago. I want to give the bride the fun day with lots of friends she wants while managing the fact that I cannot have 21 people sleep over. 

I dont want to disappoint the bride, who means the world to me and has enough stress to deal with. I do not know all of these people so I dont know who to level with and have get the word out that there are only so many beds. 

Oh and most of the guests are about 30-45 min away with a handful about 3 hours and a few (me included) in the 5-6 hour range. My thought was to open it up to the 5-6 hour guest first, in case they want to come down friday night and then open it up to the 3-4 hour then the close ppl. Or do I go by the closeness to the bride? Is there a PC way to word this on an invitation? Should I not mention it as an over night on the invite but tell a few people at a time? Do I level with the 21 guests and just tell everyone that there is limited space; everyone is welcome to play but only 1/2 can sleep over? Then there is my reluctance to send people who have been drinking on the road... I know I am making this harder then it has to be, I'm hoping one of you can look from a removed place and give me the clarity I need. Normally I bounce things off the bride, but dont need to give her my stress when I'm doing my best to take hers... 

Oh and what's the protocol- do bachelorette party guests expect to chip in or have everything paid for in full?

TIA

Sounds like it might be time to ask the bride to trim the guest list or change the type of party. It's okay for you to tell her that you can't host that many people in the setting she wants but are willing to work with a smaller guest list or a simpler party.

JediElizabeth

Unfortunately, this would be a tiered party, and there's no polite way to do that. You can either have the beach day for 21, or the weekend party for 9, but anything else would be awkward. 

Particularly since you don't know the crowd at all, I'd stick to only hosting the number the house can accomodate. 

Edit: as for the cost question, I've always been to bachelorettes where we all chipped in our part + our share of the bride's food, drink & entertainment. Make sure you have a max budget from ALL attendees before setting any kind of expectation from them, and stick to the lowest budget, unless people specifically tell you they're willing to pay extra. 

STARMOON44

I had this done to me. I was invited down for the day and told there was no room for me in the house. So I declined the invite because it seemed pretty clear I wasn't important. In the end they rearranged things but it still hurt, tbh, and I'm not as close with those girls as I was. 

SP29

I agree that there is not an appropriate way to do this- it is creating a tiered event.

Either you keep the guest list of 21 and host only a day event (which is sounds like the bride wanted originally- beach day and dinner), or you trim the guest list to what the house can hold and invite those people to stay over.

Not all the guests may choose to stay over (and that is fine), but there is no polite way to pick and choose (you are now ranking your guests) or to tell them "only half of you can stay"- then you are putting pressure on the guests to say, "no, it's OK, I can cab it home....".

Any B-party I've been to, everyone pays their own way BUT these have been pretty low key and local parties- either dinner at a restaurant and then out a bar, or food at someone's house and then a bar. In both cases, the guests are free to attend all, some, or none of the events and it does not negatively affect others.

It would not be appropriate to expect the guests to say pay for a portion of the rental or chip in costs for food UNLESS you have previously asked each individual guest their budget beforehand and planned something that co-ordinates with the lowest budget. Inviting guests to a party, and then saying after, "Oh by the way, you owe me X" is not cool.

I get that you want to throw your friend an awesome party- and you can! But don't push yourself by trying to pull something off that is over your budget or forgoing good hosting manners. It's OK to have something a little more low key- low key can be awesome! And perhaps another weekend, you, the bride and a couple of very close friends can get together and have a sleepover.

Katiebride08

Thanks ladies this makes sense, some times it hard to see the forest through the trees...

let me me ask this... Taking out the spending the night the night of the beach day...
is it appropriate to offer a place for the 4-6 hours away people the night before, not on the invite but I don't need a house for 9 to my self the night before and don't want them to have more cost just bc they live far away? 

I had planned on asking everyone to chip in for dinner/drinks since it will be at the house that should be a better cost then a meal out.

Then give them a few options for the shirts and they don't have to get one, but the cost will be about 8$ so I figure most will

charlotte989875

Katiebride08 said:

Thanks ladies this makes sense, some times it hard to see the forest through the trees...

let me me ask this... Taking out the spending the night the night of the beach day...
is it appropriate to offer a place for the 4-6 hours away people the night before, not on the invite but I don't need a house for 9 to my self the night before and don't want them to have more cost just bc they live far away? 

I had planned on asking everyone to chip in for dinner/drinks since it will be at the house that should be a better cost then a meal out.

Then give them a few options for the shirts and they don't have to get one, but the cost will be about 8$ so I figure most will

In your first post you mention borrowing the beach house, but here you say they'd have extra cost; what is the cost of staying the night? Unfortunately I don't think there is a good way to offer to some people to stay and not others, on the invite or not. The people who get to come the night before will have begun the party the night before then the other people show up the next day feeling like they missed out on part of the party. If I was invited to an out of town bachelorette party (or even one an hour away) I would make my own arrangements to stay over night, especially if there would be drinking, however I'd be hurt if I made my own arrangements and when I got there found out some people were offered the free beach house to stay I while I wasn't. 

As for costs, if dinner was at a restaurant I would absolutely expect to pay my own way and contribute to the brides. If it was at someone's house I'd offer to bring something or what I could help with, but unless I was actively involved in the planning (and has been asked for a budget of what I could spend) I would assume if I'm being invited to a dinner that I'm not expected to pay. 

I understand wanting to throw a fantastic party for the bride, and you can do that in a budget. I'd skip the shirts and cups and put that money toward the party. 

AddieCake

I would not be interested in matching or personalized or whatever shirts and cups. As a bachelorette party guest, I assume I'm paying my own way and possibly pitching in for dinner for the bride or buying her a drink. It's not right to offer the beach house to some people and not to everyone. 

Jen4948

It sounds like the beach house isn't going to work for you if there isn't enough room for all the guests to spend the night.

I would tell the bride that if she wants a day at the beach, she'll need to cut her guest list. Alternatively, she'll have to accept a different kind of get-together.

redoryx

As others have said, it's rude to only offer the sleepover portion to some people and not others and, like has been said, if some people get in the night before the party will already start and then everyone else shows up and it's going to be pretty obvious what happened. 

Can you look into a an AirBNB option in the nearby area that is still close to the beach but big enough for everyone to fit? 

SP29

I get what you are going for, but I think it still not appropriate to offer the house to some but not others.

Even those who are only an hour away are going to have to figure something out for travel- don't drink, pay a large sum of money for a cab, get someone to pick them up, or pay for a near by hotel. I would be annoyed if I paid for a hotel room for the night and found out other people got to sleep in the house at no cost.

I think you either have to tell all of the guests what the plan is and let them figure it out on their own, knowing that some may decline (personally, I wouldn't travel 3+ hours away for a B party, unless I was planning on turning it to a small vacation). Or, cut the guest list to a small enough group that everyone can stay at the house.

short+sassy

Another thought I had for the OP, and feel free to shoot me down PPs if it is still rude, is to find nearby accommodations to fit the number of people who won't fit in the house.  But split total lodging costs amongst the whole group...letting them know ahead of time what those costs will be if they want to stay overnight...and than "draw straws" for who gets to stay where. 

JediElizabeth

short+sassy said:

Another thought I had for the OP, and feel free to shoot me down PPs if it is still rude, is to find nearby accommodations to fit the number of people who won't fit in the house.  But split total lodging costs amongst the whole group...letting them know ahead of time what those costs will be if they want to stay overnight...and than "draw straws" for who gets to stay where. 

I'd say this is not ideal, but ok as long as it's within walking distance, or Uber (or similar) is available. If you end up drinking until after midnight, it's important that everyone can get to their beds when it's time to turn in. 

Also, as long as everyone agrees to the plan before it's reserved. 

SP29

JediElizabeth said:

short+sassy said:

Another thought I had for the OP, and feel free to shoot me down PPs if it is still rude, is to find nearby accommodations to fit the number of people who won't fit in the house.  But split total lodging costs amongst the whole group...letting them know ahead of time what those costs will be if they want to stay overnight...and than "draw straws" for who gets to stay where. 

I'd say this is not ideal, but ok as long as it's within walking distance, or Uber (or similar) is available. If you end up drinking until after midnight, it's important that everyone can get to their beds when it's time to turn in. 

Also, as long as everyone agrees to the plan before it's reserved. 

I agree. Doable, but not ideal. That leaves some people who have to go check in, get themselves back to the hotel when it's bedtime, check out at a certain time, where as others get to stay nice and cozy where they are, and can come and leave when they want.

I still think the guest list should be trimmed to what the house can hold, or change the location of the party to something that is local to everyone (though doesn't sound like that is the case in any way) or something where everyone has to find their own lodgings.

Katiebride08

Thanks everyone. I talked to the bride and we are going to stay the night before and the night of because well its her wedding and my (family's) house... That said I might be traveling with another guest from Maryland (to southern NC) and she would stay with us too... because how else would that work... other then that the house is not "open" for sleeping guests. the bride gave me better insight to the distance from 80% of the guests its 15-25 min away from home... That seems crazy to me but since I live 7 hours away I guess thats reasonable too. If someone cant get where they need to be (can't/shouldn't) drive it is nice to know there are options for the "emergency stay" event...

As for the personalized stuff. The bride is really into it and the cost would be minimal, since most will not have to pay to stay since they are local and the dinner is at the house (less $$$ then eating out) I am not too worried about the cost of that. I am going to make everything so I am only asking for the cost of the material. If you never were a 7$ shirt again, well that 1 & 1/2 coffees so... The tumblers/water bottle will be personal to each guest (in the RSVP they will tell me name or monogram so it's actually something they like) so they can use again. It's also the way we have reusable cups during the beach day. 

I really appreciate all the comments and thoughts. Thank you for not just running me over the coals but being very constructive. Really this is much nicer than if I had posted this during my wedding planning 8 years ago. I don't want any of the guests to have a huge out put of $$$ for the event, so if they want to stay closer to the house they can; or they can stay together. We are all adults and each individual can be responsible for that. 

[Deleted User]

Katiebride08 said:

Thanks everyone. I talked to the bride and we are going to stay the night before and the night of because well its her wedding and my (family's) house... That said I might be traveling with another guest from Maryland (to southern NC) and she would stay with us too... because how else would that work... other then that the house is not "open" for sleeping guests. the bride gave me better insight to the distance from 80% of the guests its 15-25 min away from home... That seems crazy to me but since I live 7 hours away I guess thats reasonable too. If someone cant get where they need to be (can't/shouldn't) drive it is nice to know there are options for the "emergency stay" event...

As for the personalized stuff. The bride is really into it and the cost would be minimal, since most will not have to pay to stay since they are local and the dinner is at the house (less $$$ then eating out) I am not too worried about the cost of that. I am going to make everything so I am only asking for the cost of the material. If you never were a 7$ shirt again, well that 1 & 1/2 coffees so... The tumblers/water bottle will be personal to each guest (in the RSVP they will tell me name or monogram so it's actually something they like) so they can use again. It's also the way we have reusable cups during the beach day. 

I really appreciate all the comments and thoughts. Thank you for not just running me over the coals but being very constructive. Really this is much nicer than if I had posted this during my wedding planning 8 years ago. I don't want any of the guests to have a huge out put of $$$ for the event, so if they want to stay closer to the house they can; or they can stay together. We are all adults and each individual can be responsible for that. 

Hon, if you're hosting the event, you have to actually host it.  You can Offer them a personalized "bridesmaid" t-shirt or  some such nonsense if they want to purchase it, but there are zero ways I'm going to fork over even 1 1/2 coffees worth of cash to you for a "bride's bitch" t-shirt.  And I'm not going to give you a $20 bill because you bought groceries for dinner and stocked the bar with booze.  I'm just not.  You invited me to a party, I shouldn't have to open my wallet.  Now, if you tell me that we're all meeting up at this beach house for some pre-gaming then heading out on the town for dinner and bar-hopping, I'll expect to pay my own way at dinner and buy all my own drinks and a few drinks for the bride.  But I'm still not giving you cash for the pre-gaming.  That's just not how invitations work.

lnixon8

adk19 said:

Katiebride08 said:

Thanks everyone. I talked to the bride and we are going to stay the night before and the night of because well its her wedding and my (family's) house... That said I might be traveling with another guest from Maryland (to southern NC) and she would stay with us too... because how else would that work... other then that the house is not "open" for sleeping guests. the bride gave me better insight to the distance from 80% of the guests its 15-25 min away from home... That seems crazy to me but since I live 7 hours away I guess thats reasonable too. If someone cant get where they need to be (can't/shouldn't) drive it is nice to know there are options for the "emergency stay" event...

As for the personalized stuff. The bride is really into it and the cost would be minimal, since most will not have to pay to stay since they are local and the dinner is at the house (less $$$ then eating out) I am not too worried about the cost of that. I am going to make everything so I am only asking for the cost of the material. If you never were a 7$ shirt again, well that 1 & 1/2 coffees so... The tumblers/water bottle will be personal to each guest (in the RSVP they will tell me name or monogram so it's actually something they like) so they can use again. It's also the way we have reusable cups during the beach day. 

I really appreciate all the comments and thoughts. Thank you for not just running me over the coals but being very constructive. Really this is much nicer than if I had posted this during my wedding planning 8 years ago. I don't want any of the guests to have a huge out put of $$$ for the event, so if they want to stay closer to the house they can; or they can stay together. We are all adults and each individual can be responsible for that. 

Hon, if you're hosting the event, you have to actually host it.  You can Offer them a personalized "bridesmaid" t-shirt or  some such nonsense if they want to purchase it, but there are zero ways I'm going to fork over even 1 1/2 coffees worth of cash to you for a "bride's bitch" t-shirt.  And I'm not going to give you a $20 bill because you bought groceries for dinner and stocked the bar with booze.  I'm just not.  You invited me to a party, I shouldn't have to open my wallet.  Now, if you tell me that we're all meeting up at this beach house for some pre-gaming then heading out on the town for dinner and bar-hopping, I'll expect to pay my own way at dinner and buy all my own drinks and a few drinks for the bride.  But I'm still not giving you cash for the pre-gaming.  That's just not how invitations work.

This. Water, grilled cheese and tomato soup for 2 people is cheaper than a fancy steak house with good red wine for 2 people. But if you're not staying in your own home you have to buy everything from scratch. So instead of letting people order what they want at a cute restaurant on the beach it will end up costing more even if you do burgers and hot dogs and 2 sides (beef, 2 types of buns, hot dogs, potatoes, mayo, ketchup, mustard, relish, cabbage, vinegar, chedder cheese, swiss cheese, even salt and pepper!)

AddieCake

The only way I'm chipping in is if we sit down and agree on a price amongst all of us before finalizing plans, and I'm NOT chipping in for tee shirts. 

Jen4948

I will not chip in for a T-shirt that I will never wear again or for "personalized" water bottles.  If the bride wants that, she can pay for it herself.  I don't give a damn how many coffees the cost of that would pay for.

If you're hosting me, sorry, but you need to figure out for yourself how to pay for it without expecting me to chip in.  Only if you give me some input into the plans will I take any part of the costs on myself.

flantastic

Jen4948 said:

I will not chip in for a T-shirt that I will never wear again or for "personalized" water bottles.  If the bride wants that, she can pay for it herself.  I don't give a damn how many coffees the cost of that would pay for.

If you're hosting me, sorry, but you need to figure out for yourself how to pay for it without expecting me to chip in.  Only if you give me some input into the plans will I take any part of the costs on myself.

This is the key part. If you want to retain control so that you can plan exactly what you want to plan, you also get all the costs.