• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Chit Chat

Irrationally irritated - assumptions about last name change

spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
Just need to vent...

I've been pretty vocal on TK about not changing my name and I've actually been fairly vocal in my real life about it, too. Not in an annoying preachy way, but just talking about it when it comes up and never hesitating to share my thoughts and opinions on the topic.

People in the hospital and at the nursing home call me Mrs. H's Name and I don't correct them, not really a big deal IMO.

But the assumptions by random acquaintances are really getting to me. I've recently received gifts of a "He stole her heart so she's stealing his last name" plaque and a decorative letter that is H's last initial, and received a wedding card addressed to "Mrs. HisFirst HistLast" - which REALLY frosts me, to not even use my damn first name! My orthodontist and H's work benefits both TOLD me (not asked, but TOLD) to do X, Y, and Z to change my name with them.

And the officiant at our wedding announced us as Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLast and then before he left gave me 5 minutes of instructions on changing my name. Granted, we only hired him three days before the wedding so we didn't have a meeting to hash through a lot of things, but I still had the annoyance flaring up.

Also, people on facebook constantly make comments. My mom's friends (I don't even know them) will comment if she tags me in something, "You used the wrong name, she's a married lady now!" Uhhhhhh slow your roll, people. Jeez. Maybe there's a reason I haven't changed it on facebook yet...

And since I'm ranting let me go back to Christmas when we received a card from my SIL that was sent to our OLD address (we had been moved for six months and she had been to our new house and we had sent her correspondence from the new address several times, including a Christmas card!) and had the most convoluted writing of our names ever... she's very "proper" about these kinds of things (she corrects people who say "congratulations" to the bride, because apparently you're only supposed to say that to the groom; you say "best wishes" to the bride... barf...) and she made a big deal about it when she first found out I was keeping my name and wanted me to explain my reasoning in detail. Anyway, so the Christmas card was addressed to "Myfirst and HisFirst HisLast." So instead of "Susie Jones and Richard Smith" (or even just Susie & Richard, a lot of people use that), she wrote "Susie and Richard Smith." Which is a clear implication that my name is Susie Smith. Man I was so pissed about that! We weren't even married yet! There was NO excuse for writing it that way. Ugh I'm clearly still bitter about it, haha. 

Anyway, keeping your name after marriage is definitely not the most common choice so I know I have to deal with the crap and probably will always have to, but on the other hand, it's freakin 2016! At the very least, just ASK instead of assuming.
Daisypath Anniversary tickers
OurWildKingdomGreenjinjo
«1

Re: Irrationally irritated - assumptions about last name change

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    That's weird and annoying. I've never had anyone tell me how to change my name (I had to figure that out) or ask me. I would never assume. My mom still has her married name, even though she and my dad have been apart for 7+ years. I know lots of people who have kept their married name, or keep it for work purposes.

    I did change my name, but I use my maiden name at work as my professional license is under my maiden name. I usually get, "I noticed you sign your name under two different names" (legal work stuff is my married name, as that is what my bank account and other ID has, but my patient care documents I sign with my maiden name).

    I get that people probably assume you took his last name, but seems odd people would get bent out of shape that you haven't.

    Keep correcting people as it comes up and let it roll. Eventually they'll get over it ;). Socially you may still find people always call you Mrs. H'slast name- that will be up to you how far you want to push it.
    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    Your irritation is not irrational at all, @spockforprez. In your shoes, I might have lost it by now. Don't apologize for correcting people.
  • While it is o.k. that you're getting invited as "Mr. & Mrs. Hlastname" (for that "get over it" applies)...  As for the rest, go ahead and politely correct people...
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    PrettyGirlLostkimmiinthemitten
  • I know a bit of what you are feeling. I'm still not sure what I will do but several people have given me advice (despite me saying that I wasn't sure what I was going to do) about how to change my last name. The best was a girl who I had done the research for about a year ago (she asked me ... not me doing without prompting) ... um yup ... I have the information that I researched for you. Stay strong and keep correcting people.

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    All you can do is start correcting people. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • When I was on my honeymoon two of my coworkers went ahead and took the initiative to ask IT to change my email address to my new last name. I did take H's last name but I don't think they even knew I was going to at that time. I was super annoyed - first because it's MY email address, but also because I was planning on adding my new last name to my email signature for a month or two before I changed the email address.. Changing it immediately caused A LOT of confusion for people in my company who didn't know I had gotten married.
  • arrippaarrippa Sam Adams Craft Commonwealth member
    Eighth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just need to vent...

    I've been pretty vocal on TK about not changing my name and I've actually been fairly vocal in my real life about it, too. Not in an annoying preachy way, but just talking about it when it comes up and never hesitating to share my thoughts and opinions on the topic.

    People in the hospital and at the nursing home call me Mrs. H's Name and I don't correct them, not really a big deal IMO.

    But the assumptions by random acquaintances are really getting to me. I've recently received gifts of a "He stole her heart so she's stealing his last name" plaque and a decorative letter that is H's last initial, and received a wedding card addressed to "Mrs. HisFirst HistLast" - which REALLY frosts me, to not even use my damn first name! My orthodontist and H's work benefits both TOLD me (not asked, but TOLD) to do X, Y, and Z to change my name with them.

    And the officiant at our wedding announced us as Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLast and then before he left gave me 5 minutes of instructions on changing my name. Granted, we only hired him three days before the wedding so we didn't have a meeting to hash through a lot of things, but I still had the annoyance flaring up.

    Also, people on facebook constantly make comments. My mom's friends (I don't even know them) will comment if she tags me in something, "You used the wrong name, she's a married lady now!" Uhhhhhh slow your roll, people. Jeez. Maybe there's a reason I haven't changed it on facebook yet...

    And since I'm ranting let me go back to Christmas when we received a card from my SIL that was sent to our OLD address (we had been moved for six months and she had been to our new house and we had sent her correspondence from the new address several times, including a Christmas card!) and had the most convoluted writing of our names ever... she's very "proper" about these kinds of things (she corrects people who say "congratulations" to the bride, because apparently you're only supposed to say that to the groom; you say "best wishes" to the bride... barf...) and she made a big deal about it when she first found out I was keeping my name and wanted me to explain my reasoning in detail. Anyway, so the Christmas card was addressed to "Myfirst and HisFirst HisLast." So instead of "Susie Jones and Richard Smith" (or even just Susie & Richard, a lot of people use that), she wrote "Susie and Richard Smith." Which is a clear implication that my name is Susie Smith. Man I was so pissed about that! We weren't even married yet! There was NO excuse for writing it that way. Ugh I'm clearly still bitter about it, haha. 

    Anyway, keeping your name after marriage is definitely not the most common choice so I know I have to deal with the crap and probably will always have to, but on the other hand, it's freakin 2016! At the very least, just ASK instead of assuming.

    According to Emily Gilmore, the bolded is true.

    But you should let people know that you are not changing your name. Just correct them when they call you Mrs. H's last name.


    charlotte989875PrettyGirlLostdrglitter
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    I do correct people - sorry, didn't mean to give the impression that I don't. (Except for the folks in the hospital as I mentioned.) It's just so many people making the assumption that it seems I have to do it multiple times per day, every day. If someone said, "I noticed you haven't changed your name on facebook," or even just, "Are you changing your name?" or "Are you keeping your name?" that would be fine. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I guess it's just something that you will be correcting people on forevermore. Thats kind of what I assume I'll be doing given the reaction I get before we are even married. I thought it was more common for women to keep their own name than apparently it really is, I had no idea people felt this strongly about a surname that doesn't affect them in any way. I try to just brush it off, but I know that if I don't correct people it will annoy me more in the long run.
                 
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You should give a pass to anyone who assumes you've changed your last name until you've corrected them. If you're sending out marriage announcements, you could enclose little cards printed with your correct names and address. You should tell the nursing home staff and your coworkers your correct name the first time they call you Mrs. Smith. It's polite and saves you from being annoyed on a daily basis.

    marriedhamstermom said:
    I hate when people leave out the woman's first name and just use the man's. I did take DH's last name but I am still a person and have a first name so use it! 
    This is one of my pet peeves. I use my last name as my middle name with my husbands last name. It happens less and less often now, but it really annoys me to get mail addressed to Mrs. James Poppy. That's such an odd and offensive tradition. 
                       
    PrettyGirlLost
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When I was on my honeymoon two of my coworkers went ahead and took the initiative to ask IT to change my email address to my new last name. I did take H's last name but I don't think they even knew I was going to at that time. I was super annoyed - first because it's MY email address, but also because I was planning on adding my new last name to my email signature for a month or two before I changed the email address.. Changing it immediately caused A LOT of confusion for people in my company who didn't know I had gotten married.
    Whaaa? How is this even allowed? Personal privacy and all that... Yeah, that would piss me off.

    I am also bothered by the tradition of "Mrs. HisFirst HisLastName". I have NO problem with being referred to as "Mrs. HisLastName" or "The HisLastNames"- but geeze, if you are going to reference me specifically, I do have my OWN name.
  • My mom gave me a list of addresses for our engagement party and they were all "Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLast". I changed it to "First & First Last" because I HATE being addressed as "Mrs. HisFirst Last". I didn't take his first name and it's not like he'll ever be addressed as "Mr. MyFirst Last".
    kimmiinthemitten
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    I get the opposite.  I changed my name, but get people complaining that I should have kept my maiden name.  My business partner is the worst at this.  I've been married since June 2014 and he still can't say my married name correctly.

    image 

  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Having not charged my name and dealing with similar situations, I think you are being a little irrational. Minus your SIL, someone who knows and refuses to call you by the proper name is just being an ass. Truth is, as you stated, most women still change their name - so the assumption you did is innocent, until you set them straight. If they persist or question you, then they too are assholes.

    You have bigger fish to fry. Don't waste your time getting worked up over it, just politely correct them and move on.

    As far as the nursing staff go, I'd let them slide. Your DH's name is on the charts and board, they are pretty busy to remember everyone's name - hence going the easy routes calling you the Mrs. Don't be surprised if they call him Mr Spock of you are in the hospital one day.

    Despite being a fierce feminist, I strictly adhere to the best wishes rule. Sometimes I think of it as best wishes or good luck you're going to need it marrying that one ;) not on your case of course!

    Most people assumed I took his name, including close friends. I was so thrilled the one who didn't know, but guessed correctly and used my monogram on towels she had embroidered for us. I imagine if she had done this for someone who did change name, they might have been irrationally upset...but I was thrilled.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    kvrunsPrettyGirlLostemmaaalc07
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Having not charged my name and dealing with similar situations, I think you are being a little irrational. Minus your SIL, someone who knows and refuses to call you by the proper name is just being an ass. Truth is, as you stated, most women still change their name - so the assumption you did is innocent, until you set them straight. If they persist or question you, then they too are assholes.

    You have bigger fish to fry. Don't waste your time getting worked up over it, just politely correct them and move on.

    As far as the nursing staff go, I'd let them slide. Your DH's name is on the charts and board, they are pretty busy to remember everyone's name - hence going the easy routes calling you the Mrs. Don't be surprised if they call him Mr Spock of you are in the hospital one day.

    Despite being a fierce feminist, I strictly adhere to the best wishes rule. Sometimes I think of it as best wishes or good luck you're going to need it marrying that one ;) not on your case of course!

    Most people assumed I took his name, including close friends. I was so thrilled the one who didn't know, but guessed correctly and used my monogram on towels she had embroidered for us. I imagine if she had done this for someone who did change name, they might have been irrationally upset...but I was thrilled.
    That's why the title of this post is irrational annoyance! lol. And I don't correct the hospital staff, as I stated. 

    I'll have to disagree with the majority on the best wishes thing. 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • When I was on my honeymoon two of my coworkers went ahead and took the initiative to ask IT to change my email address to my new last name. I did take H's last name but I don't think they even knew I was going to at that time. I was super annoyed - first because it's MY email address, but also because I was planning on adding my new last name to my email signature for a month or two before I changed the email address.. Changing it immediately caused A LOT of confusion for people in my company who didn't know I had gotten married.
    This is just insane to me. At my work you have to show proof that your name has changed before they'll change anything!
    When I changed my e-mail at work to reflect my new last name I didn't realize that it made my old account invalid so anything sent there got sent back to the sender. It took a few days to figure this out. Anyone within the company could still search for me by my old name and find the new address but anyone not in the company couldn't so I had to send out e-mails to vendors and let them know that my e-mail had changed and I had to change my email on any distributions... Big pain in the ass and if that had happened while I was on my honeymoon I'd have been pissed because that would have been a mess to come back to!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited March 2016
    This is why I never congratulate anyone on their marriages, pregnancies, never wish people happy holidays, etc.   No matter what I say, someone is going to get a bee up their ass because I didn't use the proper salutation for their particular situation and sensibilities, and rather than just being gracious and accepting the goodwill and cheer I'm offering them, they are going to be an asshole and correct me.

    So fuck everyone.


    Point taken, @PrettyGirlLost. Most people aren't like that. I'm an agnostic bordering on atheist, but I couldn't care less if someone wishes me "Merry Christmas," "Happy Holidays," or even "Happy Hanukkah" (FMIL is Jewish and so are several dear friends). I say, "Thanks, you too," with a smile. If people get a bug up their butts, that's on them.

    Yes, it's gracious to accept good will and cheer. It's also gracious to recall people's preferences.

    My point was that @spockforprez has a lot going on right now and sometimes the smallest thing can tip you into irritation. While it's best not to attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance, everyone is human. KWIM?
    SP29
  • I didn't change my name after getting married, or at least haven't yet, but I'm the one who makes all the reservations for everything.  So hotels, restaurants...even valet parking...are under my maiden name.  As such, my H is the one who is addressed as Mr. (MyMaidenName) at least a few times a year.  But it doesn't bother him. 

    Its generally customer service people we aren't going to encounter for more than that one moment, so we don't bother correcting anyone.  We just exchange glances, smile, and inwardly laugh. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • spockforprezspockforprez Virginia member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    This is why I never congratulate anyone on their marriages, pregnancies, never wish people happy holidays, etc.   No matter what I say, someone is going to get a bee up their ass because I didn't use the proper salutation for their particular situation and sensibilities, and rather than just being gracious and accepting the goodwill and cheer I'm offering them, they are going to be an asshole and correct me.

    So fuck everyone.

    Now in all seriousness, if you don't start correcting people on what your last name really is, they will never know and continue to aggravate you.  And even if you do, some ppl may still get it wrong ><
    People say "congratulations" to both sexes on all big life events. I don't know why brides are special and can't be congratulated but instead must be told "best wishes." 

    I think part of the annoyance is that I was always very open about not changing my name and now that I'm actually married I guess people thought I changed my mind? Like I was just bluffing or grandstanding before, but now that I got married I would obviously come to my senses! 
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I get it, @spockforprez .  Names are a big deal.  I went by my middle name for 33 years, and I HATED it.  If someone at a bank or something innocently called me by my legal name, I'd just oblige and move on.  I rarely corrected someone like them, but I'd roll my eyes internally.  I'd absolutely get annoyed when people who should've known better would do it.  

    So, yeah - I'd be a bit irrationally irritated, too.  
    OurWildKingdom
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards