Wedding Woes

Planning a wedding with a terminally ill parent

My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease about three years ago, which has progressed relatively rapidly since then (he is by no means a young chap, he still had it in his 50s when I came about by chance lol). He had a neck and back surgery about a year and a half before his diagnosis and he never really healed all that well after his back surgery. At this stage he is wheelchair bound, has a hard time forming words and talking, dementia is kicking in more and more every day, and he can't care for himself at all anymore. FH and I set our date for next May to give us time to plan and save, and it was even his idea to have it in St. Louis because my dad wouldn't have to travel. I'm having a hard time knowing where to start to plan because I don't know what his state of health will be in next year, and it just sucks more than anything to know that my dad might not be able to celebrate this with us.

Has anybody else gone through this? Any advice?

Re: Planning a wedding with a terminally ill parent

  • My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease about three years ago, which has progressed relatively rapidly since then (he is by no means a young chap, he still had it in his 50s when I came about by chance lol). He had a neck and back surgery about a year and a half before his diagnosis and he never really healed all that well after his back surgery. At this stage he is wheelchair bound, has a hard time forming words and talking, dementia is kicking in more and more every day, and he can't care for himself at all anymore. FH and I set our date for next May to give us time to plan and save, and it was even his idea to have it in St. Louis because my dad wouldn't have to travel. I'm having a hard time knowing where to start to plan because I don't know what his state of health will be in next year, and it just sucks more than anything to know that my dad might not be able to celebrate this with us. Has anybody else gone through this? Any advice?
    While I have not been in this exact situation, I know other posters who have, and they will have good advice.  I just wanted to say that my grandfather had Parkinson's, and I am sorry that you and your father are dealing with this.  Good luck with your planning.
  • 6fsn6fsn member
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    I have no advice, but I'm sorry you are in this place.
  • @ShesSoCold may have some advice, as she went through this with her mom last year. I'm very sorry for your family. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'm sorry you're going through this. A friend of mine has a father with Parkinson's. Even at the time of her engagement, they didn't know how long he had; he was wheelchair-bound, etc. 
    My advice is to just plan like he will be around. With that disease, you just don't know. Keep him in the loop with the happy elements of planning the wedding. Show him your dress when you pick it out, that kind of thing.  
    My friend had her mother escort her down the aisle and skipped the father-daughter dance. I will say I blubbered when it was time for her to hug and kiss bother her parents during her ceremony, as she didn't expect him to make it to her wedding at all. 

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  • I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. While I haven't experienced this with a parent, I did lose my grandfather to cancer the week before my wedding. My advice to you is this: plan for the best, but have a backup plan, too. I made sure that there would be a quiet, comfortable space for my grandfather to rest, had he needed it, and I wrote his name in our programs as part of the family.

    At the end of the day, it was very hard losing him (and so close to the wedding), but looking forward to my wedding gave him a lot of hope in the end of his life. Personally, I do feel that he was there. It was forecasted to be an overcast, rainy day. When we woke up, the sun was shining and it was warm! I love to think that was my grandfather's way of being there.

    I do hope you're able to have your father with you on your special day, OP. Until then, try to stay calm (easier said than done, I know!) and allow yourself time to plan. For me, planning a wedding started to feel selfish and trivial as my grandfather's health worsened, and as a result, I let a lot of details fall to the wayside. It didn't ruin my day, but I was left with a lot of shoulda-coulda-woulda's. Remember to take care of yourself, too! 
  • Thanks Addie!

    OP, I'm sorry you and your family are dealing with this and I'm sorry this is weighing over you at an otherwise happy time. Other than offer support though, I can't give you much advice. How you plan and how you proceed is entirely up to you and your family.

    My situation is a little different in that my mom's illness came on suddenly and took her quickly. My H and I cancelled our wedding a week after her initial diagnosis, got married three weeks later and she died 6 weeks after that. We had planned a DW and my mom was still alive on that first date we'd planned, but there was no way she would have been able to travel so we cancelled it.

    Many posters here have said that they would rather miss their child's wedding than have them cancel it and have a "shotgun" wedding. Which is 100% okay. So is my mom wanting to be at my wedding. Personally, at the time, I wanted to cancel and get married some other time. My mom was dying - I didn't want to worry about a freaking wedding. In hindsight, though, I'm so happy we did get married with her there and I wouldn't have changed that for the world.

    You and your fiance need to discuss what is most important to all of you and what is most likely. You might want to talk to his doctor(s) to see what you might be able to expect for him in the next year.

    - I just re-read your post and it sounds like you knew about your dad's illness before you set your date so I hope you already discussed the possiblities regarding your dad. With that, I guess my advice is to just keep planning, but know that unfortunately your dad might not be able to celebrate or be there at all. Is that something you're okay with?

    If you do decide to move the wedding up, many posters here and I have some pretty good cost saving and venue ideas.

    Sorry to write you a book.  Good luck and I hope you can reach a decision where you have peace of mind in this difficult time.

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  • I'm sorry you're going through this. A friend of mine has a father with Parkinson's. Even at the time of her engagement, they didn't know how long he had; he was wheelchair-bound, etc. 
    My advice is to just plan like he will be around. With that disease, you just don't know. Keep him in the loop with the happy elements of planning the wedding. Show him your dress when you pick it out, that kind of thing.  
    My friend had her mother escort her down the aisle and skipped the father-daughter dance. I will say I blubbered when it was time for her to hug and kiss bother her parents during her ceremony, as she didn't expect him to make it to her wedding at all. 

    I am so sorry this is happening. I agree, go forward like he will be there. If he is in a wheelchair that is fine. My cousin's Mom had very advanced MS at her wedding. They put flowers on the chair and she had a beautiful dress. Keep your Dad in the loop and share things with him. Good luck to you and prayers for your father.
  • Sorry to hear about this situation, OP. I'll be keeping you and your father in my thoughts and prayers. 
                        


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  • My friend's Mom has frontal lobe dementia that progressed rapidly. Unfortunately, my friend wasn't engaged until after her Mom moved to a memory care facility. Both B+G wanted to have her at the wedding, but the stress on her Mom just weren't worth it to the couple. They had a fairly rapid engagement, hoping that she wouldn't advance too far, but time was not on their side. I think my friend really missed having her Mom at the wedding, but a corsage was given to her Mom by Bride that morning and then all the ladies really stepped it up a notch to ensure that the Bride was surrounded by love.

    I think you have the option to do something ASAP to include your Father as he is now or plan the wedding you were initially thinking of and then see how you can alter it to make it work for him.

    I only wish you the best in your planning and will keep you in my thoughts.

  • My FIL had Parkinson's and Glaucoma and had been diagnosed approximately 10 years before our wedding, but the blindness didn't fully take effect until DH & I were dating.  Once the blindness completely took hold is when FIL really started to have issues not being able to distinguish between waking and dream states is when he moved into a care center.  Our wedding was really his last "hurrah" event because a month before DD was born he did a spiraling nosedive but it wasn't until 6 years later that he passed. 

    The one thing about Parkinson's is that you really can't set the clock for the progression.  Having him get on the proper medications and schedule will make a HUGE difference especially with things like the dementia.  Not going to kid, it's rough watching someone so vibrant in so many ways go through the progression.  Long before DH & I were an item, FIL was an AMAZING businessman!  He was an employer who did it right - he paid a fair living wage for the job(s) being done.  If you wanted to work, he'd put you to work and have five projects lined up so you never sat idle, and could have cared less about paying someone who was a good worker overtime - because a diligent worker was that valuable to him! 

    How do you plan a wedding with that diagnosis looming over everything - the same as you would if you didn't!  You can't control how things are going to progress, you manage the cards as they're dealt.  If you have a guest with Celiac's, you plan for their meal, not a big deal, the same holds true for any adaptations you need to remember in choosing a venue.  So you need a wheelchair accessible venue (think more than just entry, look at the bathrooms!), that's manageable.  So instead of him walking you down the aisle either you wheel him with you or discuss what he's comfortable with when he's in a good state.  Just roll with it <no pun intended! rim shot anyway!>.  Nothing says you need a lavish wedding if that's not what you can afford.  The local community center, KC Hall, Lion's Club are absolutely viable options if that's what you can afford.  Host your guests properly, your Dad is one of your guests (and VIP)..  Let go of what you can't control, and plan for what you can!  Our hardest thing involving FIL and the wedding was the alterations on a shirt and suit jacket given the physical changes.

  • I have had cancer for the past nine years.  By the time my daughter was married, my hair had almost finished growing out from chemo treatments.  We didn't worry about my illness.  I wouldn't have wanted her to change her plans just for me, either.
    I was supposed to have died more than a year ago.  I'm still here.  The doctors can give you their best guess, but they don't really know, either.
    You have to make your own decisions about this.  Best wishes for your family, and for your Dad.
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  • Goodness! Time slipped away from me here in the last few weeks and this is the first time I have had a chance to look and I just want to say thank you all for your kind words and advice!

    FH and I have talked about it, as well as approaching my parents about it, and we are planning of having a small celebration back home (my home) later this year so my dad can be there and celebrate with us without any worries. Then, come next May, we'll have our wedding and celebration where we both live now. We had originally thought about doing it the other way around (Wedding in St. Louis, celebration down here) but this way it can be an intimate celebration with my father and family and close friends. Either way, we're all still very excited!

    Good thing is is that my dad is still as sarcastic as ever and has no major health concerns as of right now. We have our good days and bad days, but knowing he's still here and ready to celebrate with us is a miracle among many.

    Again, thank you all for your kind words and advice! I am sorry that others have had to go through a similar situation, but having people understand and listen is a great comfort.
  • Goodness! Time slipped away from me here in the last few weeks and this is the first time I have had a chance to look and I just want to say thank you all for your kind words and advice!

    FH and I have talked about it, as well as approaching my parents about it, and we are planning of having a small celebration back home (my home) later this year so my dad can be there and celebrate with us without any worries. Then, come next May, we'll have our wedding and celebration where we both live now. We had originally thought about doing it the other way around (Wedding in St. Louis, celebration down here) but this way it can be an intimate celebration with my father and family and close friends. Either way, we're all still very excited!

    Good thing is is that my dad is still as sarcastic as ever and has no major health concerns as of right now. We have our good days and bad days, but knowing he's still here and ready to celebrate with us is a miracle among many.

    Again, thank you all for your kind words and advice! I am sorry that others have had to go through a similar situation, but having people understand and listen is a great comfort.
    When will you actually be married, later this year or at your original time of next May?
  • We will actually be married at our original year of next May. My parents have even offered to come down here for it pending everything is still going alright. If not, we'll make the necessary arrangements whenever needed.

  • We were in engaged in Oct of 2014.  Wedding is July 8 this year. And it is a destination wedding. It is already planned. Most people already have air and hotel including us now (just made them). My mom had breast cancer in 2013. She relapsed last November. She is now stage 4. Maintaining but they would not give us timeline.  So I understand how you feel. I am a chronic worrier. But I am trying to not focus on it. Sounds weird. I am the one taking care of her as well, so it isn't like I am completely ignoring it. We are just planning as if she isn't ill. We have no contingency plans. Fiance said we will just deal with whatever happens. So as of now she also has air and hotel~ hoping for the best.....
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  • @jenni5642 Check your PMs.
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  • Stuck in box...

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  I wonder if I will find myself in a similar situation when it comes time for me to plan a wedding, as my mother is a cancer survivor and my dad has had heart attacks. It would mean so much to me that they would be able to somehow be there, but I get that it would also be hard to make plans that involve only to end up having to adjust or cancel them.
  • jenni5672 said:
    We were in engaged in Oct of 2014.  Wedding is July 8 this year. And it is a destination wedding. It is already planned. Most people already have air and hotel including us now (just made them). My mom had breast cancer in 2013. She relapsed last November. She is now stage 4. Maintaining but they would not give us timeline.  So I understand how you feel. I am a chronic worrier. But I am trying to not focus on it. Sounds weird. I am the one taking care of her as well, so it isn't like I am completely ignoring it. We are just planning as if she isn't ill. We have no contingency plans. Fiance said we will just deal with whatever happens. So as of now she also has air and hotel~ hoping for the best.....
    Rooting for you and your mom as well!  
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  • As a 4 time MOB I would certainly not want my daughters to change their wedding plans because I was ill. I think most parents feel that way. On the flip side of that coin, I was orphaned as a child and would have gotten married at the city dump if it would have meant my mom would have been there for my wedding.
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