2 Ceremony Invite lists

[Deleted User]

Hi all! 
So, my fiancé wanted a small Hindu ceremony for his family and friends, which will take place the day prior to our big, traditional "American wedding." I wanted to invite my bridal party, those involved in the traditional ceremony (readers), and a few close family members for the Hindu ceremony. All of these people will then be invited to the rehearsal dinner that same evening. My mom thinks it's poor form for me to invite only one of my cousins, whom I consider a close personal friend. Is it bad to invite a few aunts, and only 1 cousin? This cousin will be included in the Traditional wedding, so she's technically part of the festivities for the rest of the day. Also, is it okay that about 80% of OOT guests (mostly groom's guest list) and rehearsal dinner attendants will have been to the Hindu ceremony, and then there will be a few of my parents guest list ( my sister's in-laws, some of my parent's OOT friends) that is invited to the rehearsal but not the Hindu ceremony? My fiancé and I are financing the Gindu ceremony, and I don't want people I barely know, and that he doesn't know at all, in attendance. But I don't want to be rude to a few people, either. Am I over thinking things? Does this sound like an Okay plan? Thanks ladies!!!

short+sassy

I agree.  If the Hindu ceremony was truly a small percentage of the total guests (like just immediate family members and the bridal party), I'd feel differently.  But it sounds like roughly half the guests are invited to the Hindu ceremony and half are not.

[Deleted User]

No, we're talking about a little less than 1/3rd the total guest list. It's this small handful of OOT guests and personally distant relatives (I don't live in the area, so we're talking about a few family members I see maybe annually, biannually at best).

Jen4948

I would just invite the entire guest list to both ceremonies.  As PPs note, not to do so has the appearance of a tiered invitation, which is rude.

PrettyGirlLost

Add0707 said:

No, we're talking about a little less than 1/3rd the total guest list. It's this small handful of OOT guests and personally distant relatives (I don't live in the area, so we're talking about a few family members I see maybe annually, biannually at best).

Still, look at the potential drama you are facing.

Keep it to only immediate family for the Hindu ceremony, especialy since your FI wanted to keep this ceremony small.

[Deleted User]

Isn't kind of unfair to my fiancé to tell him he can't invite his Hindu friends and guest list to a Hindu ceremony he is funding? 

[Deleted User]

Add0707 said:

Isn't kind of unfair to my fiancé to tell him he can't invite his Hindu friends and guest list to a Hindu ceremony he is funding? 

Isn't it kind of unfair to your non-Hindu guests to Not invite them to part of your wedding celebrations?

[Deleted User]

adk19 said:

Add0707 said:

Isn't kind of unfair to my fiancé to tell him he can't invite his Hindu friends and guest list to a Hindu ceremony he is funding? 

Isn't it kind of unfair to your non-Hindu guests to Not invite them to part of your wedding celebrations?

I don't see how it's about being fair to those people. If I was invited to a big traditional wedding, and I hadn't seen the bride for 10 years and she was marrying someone from another country whom I had never met, and I found out later that he had had a religious ceremony the day prior to honor his family's traditions, I wouldn't be like, "Awww, no fair! I should be invited too!" You know?

Jen4948

Add0707 said:

adk19 said:

Add0707 said:

Isn't kind of unfair to my fiancé to tell him he can't invite his Hindu friends and guest list to a Hindu ceremony he is funding? 

Isn't it kind of unfair to your non-Hindu guests to Not invite them to part of your wedding celebrations?

I don't see how it's about being fair to those people. If I was invited to a big traditional wedding, and I hadn't seen the bride for 10 years and she was marrying someone from another country whom I had never met, and I found out later that he had had a religious ceremony the day prior to honor his family's traditions, I wouldn't be like, "Awww, no fair! I should be invited too!" You know?

Look, if you're worried that someone will go "Awww, no fair!" by doing this, then it's going to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

It's all about being fair to everyone.

So tell your FI that you need to invite everyone to that Hindu ceremony. Tiering really is unfair and rude to everyone.

[Deleted User]

Add0707 said:

adk19 said:

Add0707 said:

Isn't kind of unfair to my fiancé to tell him he can't invite his Hindu friends and guest list to a Hindu ceremony he is funding? 

Isn't it kind of unfair to your non-Hindu guests to Not invite them to part of your wedding celebrations?

I don't see how it's about being fair to those people. If I was invited to a big traditional wedding, and I hadn't seen the bride for 10 years and she was marrying someone from another country whom I had never met, and I found out later that he had had a religious ceremony the day prior to honor his family's traditions, I wouldn't be like, "Awww, no fair! I should be invited too!" You know?

What are you asking, then?  You're telling us your plan, we're telling you it's not quite right, you're telling us we're wrong and should shut up and you're going to do it the way you want and we're not the boss of you.  Why are you here if it's not to get advice?

kvruns

@adk19 I can't get the quote button to work but I was going to quote your last sentence "Why are you here if it's not to get advice?"  This is what I picture:

lembaslover

Add0707 said:

adk19 said:

Add0707 said:

Isn't kind of unfair to my fiancé to tell him he can't invite his Hindu friends and guest list to a Hindu ceremony he is funding? 

Isn't it kind of unfair to your non-Hindu guests to Not invite them to part of your wedding celebrations?

I don't see how it's about being fair to those people. If I was invited to a big traditional wedding, and I hadn't seen the bride for 10 years and she was marrying someone from another country whom I had never met, and I found out later that he had had a religious ceremony the day prior to honor his family's traditions, I wouldn't be like, "Awww, no fair! I should be invited too!" You know?

Yea personally I'd be a little hurt that someone who is close enough to me that they invited me to their wedding also felt like I wouldn't want to see one part of their wedding. Like PP said if it was just immediate family I would understand but if it's more than that then it's tiering. Maybe many guests will decline and won't be interested or able to make it to the event the day before but you are deciding for them which isn't cool and is bound to hurt feelings, especially when you start inviting one cousin but not others. I know to you it seems to make sense, you only talk to cousin Susie not Ben or Tina but I bet the rest of the family won't see it that way, all they'll see is well clearly Add0707 likes Susie but she must have a problem with Ben and Tina since they didn't get invited to other ceremony.

OliveOilsMom

Can you make both ceremonies in the same day?  Then you can invite everyone to everything.  Have the Hindu ceremony first, then a cocktail hour for your guests, then your traditional ceremony and go right into dinner.  In your invitation you could provide a timeline for the day and if people can make the Hindu ceremony, great.

Assuming you are wearing more Hindu traditional clothing for that ceremony, you could have your pictures taken before.  Then immediately after you would both change into the traditional wedding clothing and have those photos prior to the start of the traditional ceremony.  That way you can go directly into dinner.

This might be the best way to have all that you want, without tiering your guests and you only having to provide dinner for the full guest list once.  Then you would just have a traditional rehearsal and dinner the night before with just the parents, WP, and ceremony participants and all SOs.

[Deleted User]

Haha, that cat is hilarious! I don't mean to be disagreeable or anything, it's just that the reasoning people are using to support their opinion aren't really in line with the situation. I don't think I'm looking for validation, I just completely disagree that my fiancé is obliged to invite my parent's side of the guest list to his ceremony.  I don't understand the idea of "being fair to everyone" because if that's the logic leading to the solution of inviting everyone, I'm being terribly unfair to my fiancé and his parents..the people that ceremony is truly for. So, that actually isn't very fair. Secondly, my point isn't that there is anticipation of hurt feelings, more my mom just saying, "if you invite Susie, you should invite her brother to." and I just didn't know how to handle to overlap between rehearsal guests and Hindu ceremony guests, which, except for about 10 people, is the same list.

Lastly, let's be serious, when your parents host a big wedding, half that guest list doesn't care about you, they come out of obligation to your parents. So the argument that I'd be hurting the feelings of old Earl who my dad sees once a year at their annual Christmas party is just silly. Those people don't know me. 

Sorry if this comes of angry, that certainly isn't the tone in my mind. I feel like I'm just hearing cliched advice that doesn't really reflect the reality of the situation, and am trying to have an honest reflective conversation. As always, I appreciate your comments, and certainly don't mean to come off contradictory. 

thisismynickname2

OP, I have a question. Which ceremony is legally binding?
I'm presuming the Hindu one that comes the day before on your current plan, but I could be wrong. 
I don't understand why one ceremony is "his" and one is apparently "yours." Only one can be legally binding.

[Deleted User]

We've agreed that the second ceremony is the legally binding one. That is the ceremony that was originally planned. That's where we'll sign the certificate. I am not religious and the Hindu ceremony has little significance to me. It is a gesture from him, to his mother, to honor their religious background. Except he also wants his friends from here in Germany and his friends/family from India to see it. The only reason I even opened up my side of the guest list was because people kept going, "oh, that sounds cool," so I figured I'd invite my wedding party and readers. Then my mom invited my aunts. Then things began to snowball, and here we are!

[Deleted User]

One is "mine" because my parents are paying for it and the guest list is 75% theirs. The other is "his" because it's supposed to be for his family and my family isn't contributing to it financially. I don't really like to think of it as "his" and "mine," but if it is looked at from the perspective of who is hosting and whose traditions are being honored, then, that is an easier way to label things, I guess.

PrettyGirlLost

Add0707 said:

Haha, that cat is hilarious! I don't mean to be disagreeable or anything, it's just that the reasoning people are using to support their opinion aren't really in line with the situation. I don't think I'm looking for validation, I just completely disagree that my fiancé is obliged to invite my parent's side of the guest list to his ceremony.  I don't understand the idea of "being fair to everyone" because if that's the logic leading to the solution of inviting everyone, I'm being terribly unfair to my fiancé and his parents..the people that ceremony is truly for. So, that actually isn't very fair. Secondly, my point isn't that there is anticipation of hurt feelings, more my mom just saying, "if you invite Susie, you should invite her brother to." and I just didn't know how to handle to overlap between rehearsal guests and Hindu ceremony guests, which, except for about 10 people, is the same list.

Lastly, let's be serious, when your parents host a big wedding, half that guest list doesn't care about you, they come out of obligation to your parents. So the argument that I'd be hurting the feelings of old Earl who my dad sees once a year at their annual Christmas party is just silly. Those people don't know me. 

Sorry if this comes of angry, that certainly isn't the tone in my mind. I feel like I'm just hearing cliched advice that doesn't really reflect the reality of the situation, and am trying to have an honest reflective conversation. As always, I appreciate your comments, and certainly don't mean to come off contradictory. 

Then in this situation, you need to limit the people you are inviting to the Hindu ceremony and keep that list to immediate family and grandparents only.  That way you are still respecting the wished of your FI for a smaller ceremony, and you are not creating a tiered even situation.

If that means your WP can't come to the Hindu ceremony, then so be it.  Inviting 1/3 of a guestlist to a wedding event over the other 2/3s is rude and will cause problems- trust me.

A friend of mine is getting married in the next month or so and she's having a "smaller" ceremony and then a larger reception where additional ppl are invited and it is already causing issues with some of her friends and family who are upset that they are not invited to the ceremony.  They feel insulted.

[Deleted User]

A friend of mine is getting married in the next month or so and she's having a "smaller" ceremony and then a larger reception where additional ppl are invited and it is already causing issues with some of her friends and family who are upset that they are not invited to the ceremony.  They feel insulted.

Except literally everyone is invited to a full-on ceremony and a full on reception on the day of, in my opinion, the "real" wedding. 

[Deleted User]

Add0707 said:

We've agreed that the second ceremony is the legally binding one. That is the ceremony that was originally planned. That's where we'll sign the certificate. I am not religious and the Hindu ceremony has little significance to me. It is a gesture from him, to his mother, to honor their religious background. Except he also wants his friends from here in Germany and his friends/family from India to see it. The only reason I even opened up my side of the guest list was because people kept going, "oh, that sounds cool," so I figured I'd invite my wedding party and readers. Then my mom invited my aunts. Then things began to snowball, and here we are!

Have you ever been to a Hindi wedding ceremony?  It's Awesome!  The bride wears red, there's a fire with herbs and shit thrown into it, people walk in circles around the fire and chant.  They speak in fucking Sanscrit!  I didn't even know that was an oral language, I thought it was written only.  The whole thing completely kicks ass!  

Invite everyone.  It's more chairs, there's nothing else involved.  I don't see how inviting extra people costs your future in laws anything at all.  Previous posters have listed a myriad of reasons why NOT inviting people might be a bad idea.  What's the downside to inviting everyone?  Really, what's the problem here?

geebee908

You just need to tell those who think it would be cool to see the Hindu ceremony that you're keeping it to immediate family only. Then change the subject. Just because someone expresses interest in the event doesn't mean they get an invite. Your choices for this guest list are immediate family only or everyone invited to the western ceremony.

[Deleted User]

 Invite everyone.  It's more chairs, there's nothing else involved.  I don't see how inviting extra people costs your future in laws anything at all.  Previous posters have listed a myriad of reasons why NOT inviting people might be a bad idea.  What's the downside to inviting everyone?  Really, what's the problem here?

I'm under the impression 2 ceremonies = 2 receptions. I thought it would be rude to invite people to an event on the middle of  a Thursday afternoon then be like, "Check ya later, we'll all celebrate tomorrow night." But maybe that's been my incorrect assumption all along. 

[Deleted User]

Add0707 said:

 Invite everyone.  It's more chairs, there's nothing else involved.  I don't see how inviting extra people costs your future in laws anything at all.  Previous posters have listed a myriad of reasons why NOT inviting people might be a bad idea.  What's the downside to inviting everyone?  Really, what's the problem here?

I'm under the impression 2 ceremonies = 2 receptions. I thought it would be rude to invite people to an event on the middle of  a Thursday afternoon then be like, "Check ya later, we'll all celebrate tomorrow night." But maybe that's been my incorrect assumption all along. 

OliveOilsMom said:

Can you make both ceremonies in the same day?  Then you can invite everyone to everything.  Have the Hindu ceremony first, then a cocktail hour for your guests, then your traditional ceremony and go right into dinner.  In your invitation you could provide a timeline for the day and if people can make the Hindu ceremony, great.

Assuming you are wearing more Hindu traditional clothing for that ceremony, you could have your pictures taken before.  Then immediately after you would both change into the traditional wedding clothing and have those photos prior to the start of the traditional ceremony.  That way you can go directly into dinner.

This might be the best way to have all that you want, without tiering your guests and you only having to provide dinner for the full guest list once.  Then you would just have a traditional rehearsal and dinner the night before with just the parents, WP, and ceremony participants and all SOs.

Do it this way (on the same day) and you won't have to worry about the second reception.  It's true.  The only way to do it is to either keep it Super Small or invite everyone.  You can't do anything in between and have it be polite.

[Deleted User]

adk19 said:

Add0707 said:

 Invite everyone.  It's more chairs, there's nothing else involved.  I don't see how inviting extra people costs your future in laws anything at all.  Previous posters have listed a myriad of reasons why NOT inviting people might be a bad idea.  What's the downside to inviting everyone?  Really, what's the problem here?

I'm under the impression 2 ceremonies = 2 receptions. I thought it would be rude to invite people to an event on the middle of  a Thursday afternoon then be like, "Check ya later, we'll all celebrate tomorrow night." But maybe that's been my incorrect assumption all along. 

OliveOilsMom said:

Can you make both ceremonies in the same day?  Then you can invite everyone to everything.  Have the Hindu ceremony first, then a cocktail hour for your guests, then your traditional ceremony and go right into dinner.  In your invitation you could provide a timeline for the day and if people can make the Hindu ceremony, great.

Assuming you are wearing more Hindu traditional clothing for that ceremony, you could have your pictures taken before.  Then immediately after you would both change into the traditional wedding clothing and have those photos prior to the start of the traditional ceremony.  That way you can go directly into dinner.

This might be the best way to have all that you want, without tiering your guests and you only having to provide dinner for the full guest list once.  Then you would just have a traditional rehearsal and dinner the night before with just the parents, WP, and ceremony participants and all SOs.

Do it this way (on the same day) and you won't have to worry about the second reception.  It's true.  The only way to do it is to either keep it Super Small or invite everyone.  You can't do anything in between and have it be polite.

Oh logistics! I would if I could, but they want it in a temple, and it's a solid 30-40 minutes away. Our wedding is on a Friday evening, so throw in rush hour traffic and I fear that we're just asking to spend an hour of our wedding day trapped in traffic

ShesSoCold

Do you actually want help or are you just going to shoot down everything everyone suggests, pretending that it's out of your control?

lembaslover

Add0707 said:

We've agreed that the second ceremony is the legally binding one. That is the ceremony that was originally planned. That's where we'll sign the certificate. I am not religious and the Hindu ceremony has little significance to me. It is a gesture from him, to his mother, to honor their religious background. Except he also wants his friends from here in Germany and his friends/family from India to see it. The only reason I even opened up my side of the guest list was because people kept going, "oh, that sounds cool," so I figured I'd invite my wedding party and readers. Then my mom invited my aunts. Then things began to snowball, and here we are!

Is there a reason you feel your other guests who you aren't opening it up to won't feel that way too and then feel bad that they weren't invited? 

PrettyGirlLost

Add0707 said:

A friend of mine is getting married in the next month or so and she's having a "smaller" ceremony and then a larger reception where additional ppl are invited and it is already causing issues with some of her friends and family who are upset that they are not invited to the ceremony.  They feel insulted.

Except literally everyone is invited to a full-on ceremony and a full on reception on the day of, in my opinion, the "real" wedding. 

When are you actually legally married?  That would be "the real" wedding.  So if that's the Hindu ceremony. . .

And don't you think your FI would be insulted that you don't consider his ceremony "real" whether or not you are legally married that day?

But the greater point is that you are not getting it. . . you are creating a tiered event if you are inviting 1/3 of your guest list to 2 ceremonies and the rest only to one. People likely will be pissed unless you limit your invites to the Hindu ceremony to immediate family/grandparents only.  No wedding party, no Aunts, sorry, nope.

If you didn't think ppl were going to get pissed you wouldn't have come here asking for advice.

crowsgirl15

Add0707 said:

Haha, that cat is hilarious! I don't mean to be disagreeable or anything, it's just that the reasoning people are using to support their opinion aren't really in line with the situation. I don't think I'm looking for validation, I just completely disagree that my fiancé is obliged to invite my parent's side of the guest list to his ceremony.  I don't understand the idea of "being fair to everyone" because if that's the logic leading to the solution of inviting everyone, I'm being terribly unfair to my fiancé and his parents..the people that ceremony is truly for. So, that actually isn't very fair. Secondly, my point isn't that there is anticipation of hurt feelings, more my mom just saying, "if you invite Susie, you should invite her brother to." and I just didn't know how to handle to overlap between rehearsal guests and Hindu ceremony guests, which, except for about 10 people, is the same list.

Lastly, let's be serious, when your parents host a big wedding, half that guest list doesn't care about you, they come out of obligation to your parents. So the argument that I'd be hurting the feelings of old Earl who my dad sees once a year at their annual Christmas party is just silly. Those people don't know me. 

Sorry if this comes of angry, that certainly isn't the tone in my mind. I feel like I'm just hearing cliched advice that doesn't really reflect the reality of the situation, and am trying to have an honest reflective conversation. As always, I appreciate your comments, and certainly don't mean to come off contradictory. 

The reason he's "obliged" to is because it's NOT "his ceremony". It's part of YOUR wedding ceremony, both of you, and both sides of the guest list should be invited to all parts of the wedding ceremony.

The second option here, since you apparently don't care if these people are at any part of your wedding, is you can decline your parents' contribution because it comes with strings and just invite the people YOU want there to every part of the wedding.

The advice isn't cliched. It's good, solid advice that 100% applies to your situation, you just don't want it to be true so that you can get away with being rude to this side of the guest list.

NowIAmSyp

ShesSoCold said:

Do you actually want help or are you just going to shoot down everything everyone suggests, pretending that it's out of your control?

Amen

OliveOilsMom

This is my ignorance on a Hindu ceremony, but can you have a Hindu ceremony at your current traditional ceremony/reception venue or MUST it be in a temple?  If you can have both ceremonies at the same location, do everything for everyone all in one day.

levioosa

Yeah....PPs have pretty much said it all.  You are intentionally being rude here, and it doesn't seem like you want actual advice.