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Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Help!

So I want to start off by saying I don't really WANT to get rid of my bridesmaids, although the thought has crossed my mind many times wondering why I thought having them was a good idea.

I have 5 bridesmaids. Originally, it was my 2 sisters, soon to be SIL, and 2 best friends. My older sister decided she didn't want to be a bridesmaid, which I don't really need to go into, but I eventually asked another friend to take her spot. BTW, 6 months until my wedding.

My best friend is my MOH, and I don't expect her to throw me a bachelorette party, bridal shower, or do any of that. What I do expect is for her to be a bit more involved than she is. One of the issues I am having is ones of my bridesmaids is very conservative and can't show her shoulders and even offered to drop out of the bridal party because of that. I let her and everyone know that I didn't care if not everyone was wearing the exact same dress, we could find dresses that were similar enough to make it work. They can wear the jewelry they want, shoes, hair -I'm not very picky. The dress thing is a bit harder than I anticipated, but we have found some things.

I have been group messaging my bridesmaids with different dresses, trying to plan times to try on dresses and get measured and I can barely get a response from any of them! I don't want to be the bride that just says "This is how it's going to be!" and force them to buy a dress they don't like. I finally found one dress that is very elegant that will work for everyone and sent them a picture. Currently trying to make arrangements to carpool (I've offered to drive) to take them to get measured and I can barely get people to give me a simple confirmation.

I feel like I am working too hard on something that shouldn't be so difficult. The more time and energy I put into it, the more I want to nix the whole bridal party. This is someone that I've been best friends with for 15+ years. I don't expect her to be as excited for my wedding as I am, I just didn't expect her to be like an indifferent spectator on the sidelines. 

Re: Bridesmaid Help!

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Friends and sisters are irreplaceable. 

    Talk with each bm, privately, about her budget. Invite your bm to shop with you on X date. Whoever can make it will help you with the selection. Find several dresses that fit the lowest budget. Give the info to the bms, along with the last date they may order. 

    Ditto David's Bridal. You could pick the color/fabric that you like and let the bm choose their own dresses. 


                       
    OurWildKingdomGreenjinjo PrettyGirlLostmadamerwin
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited April 2016
    eaware88 said:
    So I want to start off by saying I don't really WANT to get rid of my bridesmaids, although the thought has crossed my mind many times wondering why I thought having them was a good idea.

    I have 5 bridesmaids. Originally, it was my 2 sisters, soon to be SIL, and 2 best friends. My older sister decided she didn't want to be a bridesmaid, which I don't really need to go into, but I eventually asked another friend to take her spot. BTW, 6 months until my wedding.

    My best friend is my MOH, and I don't expect her to throw me a bachelorette party, bridal shower, or do any of that. What I do expect is for her to be a bit more involved than she is. One of the issues I am having is ones of my bridesmaids is very conservative and can't show her shoulders and even offered to drop out of the bridal party because of that. I let her and everyone know that I didn't care if not everyone was wearing the exact same dress, we could find dresses that were similar enough to make it work. They can wear the jewelry they want, shoes, hair -I'm not very picky. The dress thing is a bit harder than I anticipated, but we have found some things.

    I have been group messaging my bridesmaids with different dresses, trying to plan times to try on dresses and get measured and I can barely get a response from any of them! I don't want to be the bride that just says "This is how it's going to be!" and force them to buy a dress they don't like. I finally found one dress that is very elegant that will work for everyone and sent them a picture. Currently trying to make arrangements to carpool (I've offered to drive) to take them to get measured and I can barely get people to give me a simple confirmation.

    I feel like I am working too hard on something that shouldn't be so difficult. The more time and energy I put into it, the more I want to nix the whole bridal party. This is someone that I've been best friends with for 15+ years. I don't expect her to be as excited for my wedding as I am, I just didn't expect her to be like an indifferent spectator on the sidelines.

    SIB

    1.  Pick a color and a length for the bridesmaids dresses.

    2.Ask your girls, individually, about their budget.

    3.  Set a day for them to go shopping for their dress.  DB is a great place to do this.

    4.  Let them pick their own dresses.

    PS.  When is your wedding?  If you are more than 7 months out, you are jumping the gun.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    Greenjinjo
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    It's either 6 months until her wedding or it was 6 months until her wedding when she asked her friend to be a replacement; it's unclear.  Either way, it's less than 7 months to the wedding.

    OP, give your bridesmaids a color and length and let them pick their own gowns on their own time schedule.



    PrettyGirlLostspockforprez
  • To answer some questions and clear up a few things:

    1. I didn't replace ANYONE so for those who are being judgmental "shitty" people about that can shove it...My sister chose on her own free will to not be a part of the bridal party a while ago. I asked a friend about a week ago to be a part of my bridal party since then.

    2. Like I said more than once, I don't want to kick anyone out, and even if I did, I wouldn't choose to to boot one person. I would decide all or none. I'm not about to trash a relationship because of some dresses.
     
    3. We have already been to David's bridal, and unfortunately they don't have what we are looking for that will accommodate my bridesmaid who needs something more conservative with out looking like a frumpy old lady who sticks out like a sore thumb.

    4. Dress color, length, and material have been picked as well as an attempt at coordinating a date to try them on. Like I said, I told them all I didn't care about them matching as long as they were somewhat similar. I was trying to be helpful by offering to carpool and drive an hour away so they didn't have to make the drive by themselves.

    5. Again. Not expecting anything more from the bridesmaids than simple communication. My wedding IS 6 months away.

    I do appreciate the suggestions of letting people pick their own dresses. My concern is that it will end up looking very haphazard if you have 5 girls with completely different dresses, they all just happen to be the same color and material.
  • If it's this hard to get people together don't try and make everyone meet and get the dresses at the same time. If the dress is in everyone's budget let them know what dress it is, when the last day to order it is and let them get measured and ordered on their own time. This will save you all the stress of trying to coordinate everyone going together. 
    MairePoppyOurWildKingdomOliveOilsMom
  • I'm not going to go over what PPs have said because they are correct. 

    I was in a wedding many years ago as a BM and showed up at the Shower and all of the BMs and the bride were wearing similar dresses. We all thought it was hilarious. The reason for it, because we were all friends who were adults who could dress ourselves. I look at the pictures from that day and we all look great even though our dresses don't match exactly.

    Stop putting your vision before your friends and you may still have friends after your wedding.
    OurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If it's this hard to get people together don't try and make everyone meet and get the dresses at the same time. If the dress is in everyone's budget let them know what dress it is, when the last day to order it is and let them get measured and ordered on their own time. This will save you all the stress of trying to coordinate everyone going together. 
    This. Unless you're trying to control the process and final dress selection, there's no reason at all everyone needs to do this together. If DB doesn't have what you need, look into other designers who do.

    My maids were across the country, so I gave them a fabric and length in a designer who had dresses carried in their city, and multiple dress options within their budget. They each shopped on their own. One fabric/color is going to provide enough coordination - you don't need to micromanage how the styles mix. It'll be fine.

    Anniversary

    OurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • eaware88 said:
    To answer some questions and clear up a few things:

    1. I didn't replace ANYONE so for those who are being judgmental "shitty" people about that can shove it...My sister chose on her own free will to not be a part of the bridal party a while ago. I asked a friend about a week ago to be a part of my bridal party since then.

    2. Like I said more than once, I don't want to kick anyone out, and even if I did, I wouldn't choose to to boot one person. I would decide all or none. I'm not about to trash a relationship because of some dresses.
     
    3. We have already been to David's bridal, and unfortunately they don't have what we are looking for that will accommodate my bridesmaid who needs something more conservative with out looking like a frumpy old lady who sticks out like a sore thumb.

    4. Dress color, length, and material have been picked as well as an attempt at coordinating a date to try them on. Like I said, I told them all I didn't care about them matching as long as they were somewhat similar. I was trying to be helpful by offering to carpool and drive an hour away so they didn't have to make the drive by themselves.

    5. Again. Not expecting anything more from the bridesmaids than simple communication. My wedding IS 6 months away.

    I do appreciate the suggestions of letting people pick their own dresses. My concern is that it will end up looking very haphazard if you have 5 girls with completely different dresses, they all just happen to be the same color and material.
    We almost never suggest this, but go to Pinterest. Or Google Images or whatever. 

    Search "Mismatched Birdesmaids Blue" (or whatever color you choose). 

    Then look at lovely pictures like this one for a while. Show your friends maybe. Hopefully realize it's the start of a new trend, and very soon matching BM dresses are going to make your wedding pictures look dated. 

    Honestly: it took me a while on this site listening to these ladies to realize that it's not only nice, it's modern to have everyone in something different.  But once you're used to the look, the matching dresses start to look stuffy and forced. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I may be confused, but it sounds like you found a dress that works for everyone already?

    While personally, I am the biggest fan of "pick a dress in X colour", if you have found a dress tell them "This dress". That is all you need to do. They are adults, leave it up to them to get measured, buy the dress, and get the alterations done on their own time. All they need to do is show up the day of in the agreed upon dress.

    Save yourself the trouble of trying to coordinate the schedule of 6 adults!

    I told my BMs "Davids Bridal, midnight blue, cocktail length" (though looking back, why even care what length it is?). One picked a strapless, knee length, cotton dress. The other picked a calf length, satin with wide straps dress. No, it doesn't look haphazard.
    MesmrEweOurWildKingdom
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    eaware88 said:
    So I want to start off by saying I don't really WANT to get rid of my bridesmaids, although the thought has crossed my mind many times wondering why I thought having them was a good idea.

    While a BP is never required, presumably you chose these people because you wanted to honour your relationship by having them stand next to you when you get married. That is all a MOH or BM does. If something is getting this stressful that you would consider letting them all go, think about if what you are doing is necessary- chances are, it's not.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Also, this is a public forum on the internet.  People can and will respond to anything that want to in your post.  You can't control how people react to you, only how you react to them.

    Why did your older sister drop out?  I'm guessing it's behavior related, and despite replacing her, I'm hoping you're not holding whatever it was against her.  Your wedding day is one day, she is your sister for life.
    image
    OurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm sure the other girl you asked to replace your sister really loved feeling like a second tier friend. But no, go on, keep telling us how we are the judgmental shitty ones. 

    And ditto PPs


    image
    InLoveInQueens[Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostmadamerwin
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @Inixon8 And you let them wear whatever shoes they wanted too!?!?? ;)

    I love your BP dresses. I think it looks better when you have more variety with more people (not that it really matters- but in OPs case, 5 people would look great).
    lnixon8OurWildKingdom
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    SP29 said:
    Inixon8 And you let them wear whatever shoes they wanted too!?!?? ;)

    I love your BP dresses. I think it looks better when you have more variety with more people (not that it really matters- but in OPs case, 5 people would look great).
    SEE!!!!!!  YOU DID NOTICE!!!!
    lnixon8SP29thefanciestbeckler
  • I wish I had just told my BMs to wear whatever they wanted. They had already bought their dresses when i discovered the knot. I think it looks awesome as it shows all of their individual styles. I'm sure you have favorite pictures with them where you didn't all match so why are weddings any different? Let them be adults and get their own dresses.
    So much this.
    I actually think its embarrassing when my friends or FI accidentally match (not jeans and a white top but like brown pants and blue and red flannel, or floral maxi dresses)


    InLoveInQueensSP29lc07

  • SP29 said:
    Inixon8 And you let them wear whatever shoes they wanted too!?!?? ;)

    I love your BP dresses. I think it looks better when you have more variety with more people (not that it really matters- but in OPs case, 5 people would look great).
    SEE!!!!!!  YOU DID NOTICE!!!!
    2nd from the left got an infected cut on her foot and had to use crutches all night...should have just cut her so my pictures weren't ruined with that awful white bandage!

    (You can see H lounging in the background in the golf cart-not only was he the groom he was also my friends personal chariot all day )


    OliveOilsMom
  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    eaware88 said:
    To answer some questions and clear up a few things:

    1. I didn't replace ANYONE so for those who are being judgmental "shitty" people about that can shove it...My sister chose on her own free will to not be a part of the bridal party a while ago. I asked a friend about a week ago to be a part of my bridal party since then.

    2. Like I said more than once, I don't want to kick anyone out, and even if I did, I wouldn't choose to to boot one person. I would decide all or none. I'm not about to trash a relationship because of some dresses.
     
    3. We have already been to David's bridal, and unfortunately they don't have what we are looking for that will accommodate my bridesmaid who needs something more conservative with out looking like a frumpy old lady who sticks out like a sore thumb.

    4. Dress color, length, and material have been picked as well as an attempt at coordinating a date to try them on. Like I said, I told them all I didn't care about them matching as long as they were somewhat similar. I was trying to be helpful by offering to carpool and drive an hour away so they didn't have to make the drive by themselves.

    5. Again. Not expecting anything more from the bridesmaids than simple communication. My wedding IS 6 months away.

    I do appreciate the suggestions of letting people pick their own dresses. My concern is that it will end up looking very haphazard if you have 5 girls with completely different dresses, they all just happen to be the same color and material.

    Check your attitude. You sound like a child who IS about to trash relationships over some dresses. Getting bridesmaids to buy a dress really shouldn't be hard. I've gone on group shopping trips for two brides twice in the last year and even with large groups and ladies with children it was always easy to coordinate. Maybe something else is leading them to be reluctant to shop with you. 
    ________________________________


    [Deleted User]OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueens
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lnixon8 said:

    SP29 said:
    Inixon8 And you let them wear whatever shoes they wanted too!?!?? ;)

    I love your BP dresses. I think it looks better when you have more variety with more people (not that it really matters- but in OPs case, 5 people would look great).
    SEE!!!!!!  YOU DID NOTICE!!!!
    2nd from the left got an infected cut on her foot and had to use crutches all night...should have just cut her so my pictures weren't ruined with that awful white bandage!

    (You can see H lounging in the background in the golf cart-not only was he the groom he was also my friends personal chariot all day )
    Now see THAT, I did not notice. Too distracted by the mismatched shoes ;).

    I do look at the BMs shoes, because I like pretty shoes. But it doesn't matter if they match or not. (The BM referenced above with the bandage has pretty shoes!). My MOH wore nude pumps, BM wore sparkly silver pumps.
  • You may be causing yourself unnecessary stress. You said you didn't mind if they wore different dresses as long as they coordinated, right? So find a designer that has dress that first meet their budgets, has a color that works for you and has different styles, especially one that will fit the one BM needs. Then just tell them that they need to pick a dress that they like from (for example) david's bridal in the red apple that is short or long (if you care) and preferably in either satin of chiffon (it does look better if they are all in the same fabric if possible) and that they need to have their orders placed by a specific date to make sure that they get their dresses in time.

    Also see if wearing a shawl or a matching jacket is an option for the one BM. It may open up options to what dress she can wear then.


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