Bridesmaid Back Out (Vent)

Subwayloves

About 8 months ago, I asked one of my closest friends to be a bridesmaid. She was extremely excited, and said yes, even posting a Facebook status about how excited she was. After she posted this status, another close friend of hers (who I also happen to know), called her crying... She knew that we were both getting married the same day, and was also going to ask said friend to be a bridesmaid. My friend felt bad about the whole situation, and, after talking about it with both of us, decided that she was going to be in neither wedding, and just attend both as a guest. The weddings/receptions are taking place only about 15 minutes apart, so this did seem as least plausible that she would be able to attend parts of each ceremony/reception. Although I was disappointed, I understood she was in a tough spot, and that this was probably the best solution for all involved.

Since then, my friend and I have drifted a bit. We were in school together, and would see each other everyday, but since graduation, we obviously haven't seen each other as much. We also both started new, full-time jobs (working opposite shifts) in our field, so it has been difficult to find time to get together or even talk as much. In spite of this, I would still consider her one of my close friends.

We are now 2 months out from the wedding, and about a week ago, she texted me and said she needed to talk to me about something. She proceeded to tell me that she and other friend are now closer than before, and she has now decided she is going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and not attend mine. As much as I would love to say that I understand this and am not mad/upset, I am. She committed to being my bridesmaid, then backed out, and this I was understanding about. Now, she has went from saying she will definitely be there, to not even attending a big day in my life. I didn't really know how to respond when she told me this, and we have not talked since then. I don't want this to end our friendship, but I can't help feeling this is going to be difficult for me to get over.

AddieCake

Honestly, I'd be pretty upset, too. Unfortunately, all you can really do is just let it go. You said you've drifted anyway, so it's not like you'll have awkwardness regularly being around her. Maybe you'll be able to remain friends or will eventually be closer again, but for now, just stew a bit, have a margarita, and don't let it get you too down.

OliveOilsMom

Subwayloves said:

About 8 months ago, I asked one of my closest friends to be a bridesmaid. She was extremely excited, and said yes, even posting a Facebook status about how excited she was. After she posted this status, another close friend of hers (who I also happen to know), called her crying... She knew that we were both getting married the same day, and was also going to ask said friend to be a bridesmaid. My friend felt bad about the whole situation, and, after talking about it with both of us, decided that she was going to be in neither wedding, and just attend both as a guest. The weddings/receptions are taking place only about 15 minutes apart, so this did seem as least plausible that she would be able to attend parts of each ceremony/reception. Although I was disappointed, I understood she was in a tough spot, and that this was probably the best solution for all involved.

Since then, my friend and I have drifted a bit. We were in school together, and would see each other everyday, but since graduation, we obviously haven't seen each other as much. We also both started new, full-time jobs (working opposite shifts) in our field, so it has been difficult to find time to get together or even talk as much. In spite of this, I would still consider her one of my close friends.

We are now 2 months out from the wedding, and about a week ago, she texted me and said she needed to talk to me about something. She proceeded to tell me that she and other friend are now closer than before, and she has now decided she is going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and not attend mine. As much as I would love to say that I understand this and am not mad/upset, I am. She committed to being my bridesmaid, then backed out, and this I was understanding about. Now, she has went from saying she will definitely be there, to not even attending a big day in my life. I didn't really know how to respond when she told me this, and we have not talked since then. I don't want this to end our friendship, but I can't help feeling this is going to be difficult for me to get over.

That must hurt and you are right to feel those feelings.  You said yourself you have drifted apart.  Friendships can ebb and flow and even just end.  This was no ones fault, really.  Its just want happens when life gets in the way.

If you want to rekindle the friendship with this person, then invite her out somewhere and just hang out.  If not, I would just let the friendship fizzle out.

Lala9414

this is a tough spot! I feel for you OP, the feelings you have are not bad. I would be just as hurt! But like PP's have said you can choose to let the friendship fizzle out, or try to make it work. I second Addie, have a margarita.

downtondiva

It's perfectly natural for you to feel upset about this. I understand why she didn't want to be a bridesmaid in your wedding given the circumstances, but to promise you she'd be there and then bail on you to be someone else's bridesmaid is kind of low. Personally, I'd let the friendship fizzle out and die after something like that, but if you're not ready to do that, just keep your distance and don't speak to her for a while. See how you feel after that. 

And I probably don't need to say this, but please don't let this ruin your wedding or make you any less happy/excited. One person's thoughtlessness shouldn't have the power to do that to you.

Subwayloves

I am definitely not letting this affect my wedding at all, I have 3 other wonderful bridesmaids and the best fiancé I could ask for, and could not be more excited for our big day! Just more sad about the friendship being effected, as I truly thought this girl and I would be lifelong friends, thus why I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I guess I am just used to having friends who don't let not seeing each other/being able to talk as much sometimes actually effect our friendship. Thank you everyone for the responses and support!

MesmrEwe

That's a friendship ending move on her part - I mean really - WTF - You're worth more than that type of treatment!  Someone who committed to you then got a better offer and "sorry not sorry"...  NO - that says A LOT about her character and that's probably not the energy you want to surround yourself with down the road.  Friendships ebb and flow, but that's pretty shi**y - I'd say grab your favorite beverage, have a "Pitty Party for One" and toast to the finding that out about her character now and not after the wedding when you've got pictures of her in the WP for eternity!  Think of it as a bullet dodged!  Then, I'd move on and distance myself from her from here on out, doesn't mean you can't be friends on facebook, but yea, it's raw now, but you'll be glad in about three years looking back on your wedding to have found this out now about her and NOT have had her in the WP (no one ever complains their WP wasn't big enough after the fact!)...

LondonLisa

That's terrible. What a lack of integrity. I'd ghost her. If she asked why, I'd have no problem calling her on this.

levioosa

I'm sorry.  This is upsetting, and it's natural to feel hurt.  I'm glad you have wonderful friends and a wonderful FI.  Keep focusing on that and have a great time at your wedding!  

Jen4948

I would be very hurt too. Your "friend" jerked you around. I'd consider the friendship over. I'm sorry.

charlotte989875

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, I'd be upset as well. 

This is may be an UO, but I do want to say this has got to be hard for your friend. It sounds like she felt really bad about it, and she's probably in a tough situation with her other friend asking her as well. If, aside from the wedding, she is someone you want in your life I would try and let it go. 

Yes, friends come and go, but life long friends are hard to come by. What she did is hurtful, but from what you have said seems like it was a tough decisions for her to make. 

SP29

I'd be upset too. I understand why she stepped down as your BM in order to attend both weddings. I'd be a bit disappointed, but I'd understand and get over it.

Relationships do ebb and flow. I hardly talk to one of my BMs these days- same sort of thing, we were close in school, but now we have jobs and we live 3000km and a 2 hr time zone away, but we're still friends.

But for your friend to turn around and say, "Sorry, I'm going to be her BM instead" and not attend your wedding is quite hurtful and telling. Deciding to step up as other friend's BM when she turned you down, I don't think is a hard decision to make. It is a simple, "No Friend, as I could not be Subwayloves BM in order to attend your wedding, I cannot be your BM so that I can also attend hers".

At the end of the day though, up to you on how you want to proceed. It would be easy to let the relationship fizzle, but if you want to stay friends, make plans to get together sometime.