Transgender etiquette?

magelet

My fiance's brother, Chris, has just recently come out as transgendered. My fiance obviously wants Chris to be a part of the wedding party, but Chris has not begun to dress or try to "pass" as a woman, so we are not sure what kind of outfit she would want to wear. While I have no problem with Chris being in the wedding party, my entire extended family is very religious and likely to be intolerent of the trans community. I am worried that if Chris does decide to wear a dress instead of a tux there will be a large backlash, and since Chris is also autistic, that would likely be just short of diasterous. I am really out of my element here. How can I tactfully address this very touchy subject while making sure Chris stays safe?

kimmiinthemitten

fancifulfaerie said:

My fiance's brother, Chris, has just recently come out as transgendered. My fiance obviously wants Chris to be a part of the wedding party, but Chris has not begun to dress or try to "pass" as a woman, so we are not sure what kind of outfit she would want to wear. While I have no problem with Chris being in the wedding party, my entire extended family is very religious and likely to be intolerent of the trans community. I am worried that if Chris does decide to wear a dress instead of a tux there will be a large backlash, and since Chris is also autistic, that would likely be just short of diasterous. I am really out of my element here. How can I tactfully address this very touchy subject while making sure Chris stays safe?

First, good for you guys for supporting Chris.  That's huge.  Has Chris asked to be recognized as a female now?   How long until your wedding?  Now that Chris is out, she may move quickly into the transition, or she may take time.  Let her move at her own pace, and support her in that transition.  Clothes are just clothes and can always be determined later.  

Secondly, what type of disastrous backlash are you expecting?  Are we talking giggling at some tables or potential violence?  How important are those people to you and have you sent out Save The Dates?  

My cousin was married 10 years and her MOH is a lesbian who never wears dresses, I think all of us fully expected her to be in a tux.   Had word gotten back to my cousin that someone was likely to treat her poorly as a result, those people would have been cut in a nano-second from the guest list.

STARMOON44

Ask Chris what clothes she would like to wear. Tell your bigoted family that if they can't behave appropriately they are not welcome. 

JediElizabeth

I have a trans person in my wedding party as well. She's much further along, but still not fully transitioned ATM, so I'm not assuming anything.  I'll be sending out a group email saying "for those who choose to wear dresses, please do X, for those wearing suits, please do Y." She can decide for herself. For your FSIL, I might also suggest shopping with her if she wants that kind of girl bonding, but that's up to you. 

As for your family, I would not invite anyone transphobic to my wedding, full stop. But it does depend on the level: stating at someone new is different than going up to them and asking rude questions, or trying to hand them a Bible with a fire and brimstone warning. What level of intolerance are we looking at here?

climbingsingle

Ask Chris what she would prefer to wear. And if you have relatives that you believe will cause issues, put them on notice. If you can't be respectful,  you don't come. End of story. 

LondonLisa

fancifulfaerie said:

My fiance's brother, Chris, has just recently come out as transgendered. My fiance obviously wants Chris to be a part of the wedding party, but Chris has not begun to dress or try to "pass" as a woman, so we are not sure what kind of outfit she would want to wear. While I have no problem with Chris being in the wedding party, my entire extended family is very religious and likely to be intolerent of the trans community. I am worried that if Chris does decide to wear a dress instead of a tux there will be a large backlash, and since Chris is also autistic, that would likely be just short of diasterous. I am really out of my element here. How can I tactfully address this very touchy subject while making sure Chris stays safe?

The etiquette is to treat Chris like a human being. You know, like Jesus told your family to do. Chris can wear whatever she prefers. 

This is one of those moments where you have to spread the word shut up or don't come.  I would tell family members:  Anyone who would make fun of an autistic person transitioning is beyond cruel and a person I would not want in my life and not anywhere near my wedding. 

artbyallie

Realize that 'dressing like a woman' means different things to different women, whether we are trans or cis. It may be she doesn't intend to change how she dresses, and that does not make her less a woman or mean that she hasn't transitioned. (ETA: How many of us cis women wear jeans and a tee every day, right? I love getting dressed up, but for work jeans are what I live in!) Coming out as trans and requesting a change of name/pronouns is all that needs to happen as far as her friends and family are concerned.

Ditto PPs, ask Chris what she wants to wear. Suggest colors if you like, but let her choose her attire.

JediElizabeth

artbyallie said:

Realize that 'dressing like a woman' means different things to different women, whether we are trans or cis. It may be she doesn't intend to change how she dresses, and that does not make her less a woman or mean that she hasn't transitioned. (ETA: How many of us cis women wear jeans and a tee every day, right? I love getting dressed up, but for work jeans are what I live in!) Coming out as trans and requesting a change of name/pronouns is all that needs to happen as far as her friends and family are concerned.

Ditto PPs, ask Chris what she wants to wear. Suggest colors if you like, but let her choose her attire.

This. This is why I advocate sending an email with the choice to everyone. Aside from the transgender wedding party member, I have a cis friend or two who may choose to wear the unexpected choice, if given the option. Why only give choices to one person?

[Deleted User]

I think it's preemptive to be sending out emails warning family to behave appropriately, especially since we don't know the circumstances of Chris coming out.  It's very different coming out as trans in the safety of a loving family than coming out to the entire world.  By sending out emails it's essentially outing Chris to OP's self-described intolerant family, and she (Chris) may prefer it be handled differently at this point.

OP, could you expand on your concerns for her safety?  The overwhelming majority of violence against trans people is committed against trans women, so her safety should be at the very top of your priority list and taken seriously.

Finally, if you're feeling out of your element, I would suggest reading some articles by Everyday Feminism.  They have some good ones regarding on how to be a supportive trans ally.

[Deleted User]

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their journey, Chris may be no different then he is today except that he has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

magelet

As far as expected backlash goes, I don't think anyone would try to harm Chris physically. I am more worried about some rude comments being made by my family, then my fiance's family reacting, and then Chris having a meltdown. I have only witnessed her having a meltdown once, but pretty much nothing can be done to calm her down. And don't get me wrong, she would have every right to be upset. I just don't really know how appropriate it would be to send out a "warning email" about Chris so would it just be better to talk to anyone I am worried about individually and let them know that transphobic behavior is unacceptable?

[Deleted User]

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their journey, Chris may be no different then he is today except that he has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

And your post is an example of things that make me crazy when this topic comes up.  Chris is not "he/she".  Nor is she "they" or "their".  And if She says she's a She, you should NOT refer to Her as "he".  Yes, it's a pronoun game, but it's also a fucking big deal.  OP says Chris is a SHE, in your entire post you don't refer to her as SHE.  If you can't play the pronoun game, please don't try.

MandyMost

JediElizabeth said:

I have a trans person in my wedding party as well. She's much further along, but still not fully transitioned ATM, so I'm not assuming anything.  I'll be sending out a group email saying "for those who choose to wear dresses, please do X, for those wearing suits, please do Y." She can decide for herself. For your FSIL, I might also suggest shopping with her if she wants that kind of girl bonding, but that's up to you. 

As for your family, I would not invite anyone transphobic to my wedding, full stop. But it does depend on the level: stating at someone new is different than going up to them and asking rude questions, or trying to hand them a Bible with a fire and brimstone warning. What level of intolerance are we looking at here?

If you're concerned about someone new to the transition, perhaps you want to avoid such a dichotomy? Most bridesmaid's dresses are REALLY "girly" and most traditional suits re REALLY "manly". Perhaps she wants to wear something in the middle--maybe a nice pant suit of some kind, but not like a man's suit. 

Personally, I would do what I could to make her feel comfortable and not stand out (considering you are concerned about your family's behavior if she does stand out), even if that means changing some of your previous wedding expectations. For instance, instead of a gender-divided and matched-attire bridal party (if that's what you were thinking), why not just mix is up more. Pick colors and let them choose outfits, and don't divide by gender lines.

levioosa

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she SHE would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their HER journey, Chris may be no different then he SHE is today except that he SHE has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

FTFY  Chris is transgender.  Chris identifies as a women.  Chris is not a he/she, a he, or "their."  Chris is a woman.  Chris is a SHE.   Your continued misuse of pronouns highlights how much you accept and know about this topic.  

[Deleted User]

fancifulfaerie said:

As far as expected backlash goes, I don't think anyone would try to harm Chris physically. I am more worried about some rude comments being made by my family, then my fiance's family reacting, and then Chris having a meltdown. I have only witnessed her having a meltdown once, but pretty much nothing can be done to calm her down. And don't get me wrong, she would have every right to be upset. I just don't really know how appropriate it would be to send out a "warning email" about Chris so would it just be better to talk to anyone I am worried about individually and let them know that transphobic behavior is unacceptable?

Is Chris out to your family, though?  I would really advise against outing Chris to your family this way.

You can't control how you family acts, but you can work with your fiance's family to minimize the damage, so it's them I would talk to - sounds like you're all on the same side of supporting Chris.

At the minimum they should know that there will be a zero tolerance policy for anyone making transphobic remarks, and you should have a plan to follow through accordingly.  It reduces the need for them to "react" to your family, they just need to report an incident to the proper person (you or your FI or hired security) and the offending party will be quietly asked to leave.  No scene, and nothing to trigger Chris.

Until your wedding I would also be on the lookout for transphobic social media posts, and that would certainly put someone on the fast-track to not receiving an invite.

Is there a quiet place Chris can go if she feels overwhelmed?  I've had minimal experience with people with autism, but it seems like a good idea regardless.

[Deleted User]

levioosa said:

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she SHE would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their HER journey, Chris may be no different then he SHE is today except that he SHE has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

FTFY  Chris is transgender.  Chris identifies as a women.  Chris is not a he/she, a he, or "their."  Chris is a woman.  Chris is a SHE.   Your continued misuse of pronouns highlights how much you accept and know about this topic.  

Also, Chris and other transgendered folks do not ever need start the process to Change Genders.  Chris may or may not change her sex, but she is a woman.  (Also, the singular of women is woman, so you can change that up there in your second sentence too.)  She doesn't "identify more as a woman," she IS a woman.

levioosa

adk19 said:

levioosa said:

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she SHE would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their HER journey, Chris may be no different then he SHE is today except that he SHE has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

FTFY  Chris is transgender.  Chris identifies as a women.  Chris is not a he/she, a he, or "their."  Chris is a woman.  Chris is a SHE.   Your continued misuse of pronouns highlights how much you accept and know about this topic.  

Also, Chris and other transgendered folks do not ever need start the process to Change Genders.  Chris may or may not change her sex, but she is a woman.  (Also, the singular of women is woman, so you can change that up there in your second sentence too.)  She doesn't "identify more as a woman," she IS a woman.

Damn, missed that.  I originally had my post written as "Fixed some of this for you."  I should have kept it that way. 

JediElizabeth

MandyMost said:

JediElizabeth said:

I have a trans person in my wedding party as well. She's much further along, but still not fully transitioned ATM, so I'm not assuming anything.  I'll be sending out a group email saying "for those who choose to wear dresses, please do X, for those wearing suits, please do Y." She can decide for herself. For your FSIL, I might also suggest shopping with her if she wants that kind of girl bonding, but that's up to you. 

As for your family, I would not invite anyone transphobic to my wedding, full stop. But it does depend on the level: stating at someone new is different than going up to them and asking rude questions, or trying to hand them a Bible with a fire and brimstone warning. What level of intolerance are we looking at here?

If you're concerned about someone new to the transition, perhaps you want to avoid such a dichotomy? Most bridesmaid's dresses are REALLY "girly" and most traditional suits re REALLY "manly". Perhaps she wants to wear something in the middle--maybe a nice pant suit of some kind, but not like a man's suit. 

Personally, I would do what I could to make her feel comfortable and not stand out (considering you are concerned about your family's behavior if she does stand out), even if that means changing some of your previous wedding expectations. For instance, instead of a gender-divided and matched-attire bridal party (if that's what you were thinking), why not just mix is up more. Pick colors and let them choose outfits, and don't divide by gender lines.

Sorry to tangent, but...

I'm only asking for black dresses with some sort of lace, or black/charcoal suits with a specific shirt color (could be fit for a man or woman). I'm pretty sure everyone can find something they're comfy with within those boundaries, at least of my wedding party. 

I'd suggest the same for OP, particularly concerning the suit choices. 

ETA: I didn't specify before because it didn't even occur to me to specify a cut or brand of suit! That seems like too much micromanagement for me!

SaintPaulGal

adk19 said:

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their journey, Chris may be no different then he is today except that he has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

And your post is an example of things that make me crazy when this topic comes up.  Chris is not "he/she".  Nor is she "they" or "their".  And if She says she's a She, you should NOT refer to Her as "he".  Yes, it's a pronoun game, but it's also a fucking big deal.  OP says Chris is a SHE, in your entire post you don't refer to her as SHE.  If you can't play the pronoun game, please don't try.

Pronouns ARE a big fucking deal.  But they can also be a big, confusing field of landmines because there are no set rules and trans awareness in general is sort of in its infancy.  You say not to use "they/their" but I personally have a friend who is trans and rejects gendered pronouns, identifying exclusively as "they."  Identity is such a personal thing, and there is no right or wrong answer.

I also think it is important to give well-intentioned people the benefit of the doubt.  Erikan's post had some definite pronoun issues, but his or her advice was sound and kind: let Chris wear whatever feels most authentic to Chris.  Instead of jumping on someone who is "wrong"  but kind, approaching it as an education opportunity can be helpful to everyone.  Informing the poster that using he/she is particularly offensive because of the terrible baggage around gender-nonconforming people being referred to as “he-shes” adds some context and information that is lacking from a shut-up-you’re-wrong response.

kvruns

SaintPaulGal said:

Pronouns ARE a big fucking deal.  But they can also be a big, confusing field of landmines because there are no set rules and trans awareness in general is sort of in its infancy.  You say not to use "they/their" but I personally have a friend who is trans and rejects gendered pronouns, identifying exclusively as "they."  Identity is such a personal thing, and there is no right or wrong answer.

I also think it is important to give well-intentioned people the benefit of the doubt.  Erikan's post had some definite pronoun issues, but his or her advice was sound and kind: let Chris wear whatever feels most authentic to Chris.  Instead of jumping on someone who is "wrong"  but kind, approaching it as an education opportunity can be helpful to everyone.  Informing the poster that using he/she is particularly offensive because of the terrible baggage around gender-nonconforming people being referred to as “he-shes” adds some context and information that is lacking from a shut-up-you’re-wrong response.

I thought I've been reading lately about a push to use "they" instead of he/she

ILoveBeachMusic

SaintPaulGal said:

adk19 said:

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their journey, Chris may be no different then he is today except that he has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

And your post is an example of things that make me crazy when this topic comes up.  Chris is not "he/she".  Nor is she "they" or "their".  And if She says she's a She, you should NOT refer to Her as "he".  Yes, it's a pronoun game, but it's also a fucking big deal.  OP says Chris is a SHE, in your entire post you don't refer to her as SHE.  If you can't play the pronoun game, please don't try.

Pronouns ARE a big fucking deal.  But they can also be a big, confusing field of landmines because there are no set rules and trans awareness in general is sort of in its infancy.  You say not to use "they/their" but I personally have a friend who is trans and rejects gendered pronouns, identifying exclusively as "they."  Identity is such a personal thing, and there is no right or wrong answer.

I also think it is important to give well-intentioned people the benefit of the doubt.  Erikan's post had some definite pronoun issues, but his or her advice was sound and kind: let Chris wear whatever feels most authentic to Chris.  Instead of jumping on someone who is "wrong"  but kind, approaching it as an education opportunity can be helpful to everyone.  Informing the poster that using he/she is particularly offensive because of the terrible baggage around gender-nonconforming people being referred to as “he-shes” adds some context and information that is lacking from a shut-up-you’re-wrong response.

Thank you for speaking up for educating people. I could easily have written the post in question without the slightest intention of offending anyone simply because transgender isn't something with which I am very familiar. I am open to learning the correct terminology so as not to offend anyone but yelling doesn't teach anything to people willing to learn. I am probably older than most of you and just haven't had the same social experience as you. That doesn't mean I can't be taught.

downtondiva

MandyMost said:

If you're concerned about someone new to the transition, perhaps you want to avoid such a dichotomy? Most bridesmaid's dresses are REALLY "girly" and most traditional suits re REALLY "manly". Perhaps she wants to wear something in the middle--maybe a nice pant suit of some kind, but not like a man's suit. 

Personally, I would do what I could to make her feel comfortable and not stand out (considering you are concerned about your family's behavior if she does stand out), even if that means changing some of your previous wedding expectations. For instance, instead of a gender-divided and matched-attire bridal party (if that's what you were thinking), why not just mix is up more. Pick colors and let them choose outfits, and don't divide by gender lines.

I think this is a good idea, to avoid such distinctions between "male
 and "female" attire. And if you want to get an idea of what Chris would like to do, speak to her about it privately so she doesn't feel like she's on the spot (I don't know how much the rest of your wedding party knows about her being transgender). 

As for your family, that's trickier. Would it be possible for you and your FI to talk to Chris together to see what she's ready for people to know? Obviously you don't want to out her behind her back, even if you mean well. Do you have a more accepting family member who could politely remind the less tolerant relatives to act like adults and be respectful? Sorry, I know this isn't a solution, I'm just trying to throw some thoughts out there that might help.

redoryx

SaintPaulGal said:

adk19 said:

Erikan73 said:

When it comes time to pick out outfits, ask Chris what he/she would prefer to wear. Just because Chris identifies more as a women, doesn't mean Chris will want to wear a dress, let alone a BM dress. Depending on where Chris is in their journey, Chris may be no different then he is today except that he has come out as being transgender. Just because someone comes out as being transgender doesn't mean that they immediately start dressing as the gender they identify with, change their name start the process to change genders.

And your post is an example of things that make me crazy when this topic comes up.  Chris is not "he/she".  Nor is she "they" or "their".  And if She says she's a She, you should NOT refer to Her as "he".  Yes, it's a pronoun game, but it's also a fucking big deal.  OP says Chris is a SHE, in your entire post you don't refer to her as SHE.  If you can't play the pronoun game, please don't try.

Pronouns ARE a big fucking deal.  But they can also be a big, confusing field of landmines because there are no set rules and trans awareness in general is sort of in its infancy.  You say not to use "they/their" but I personally have a friend who is trans and rejects gendered pronouns, identifying exclusively as "they."  Identity is such a personal thing, and there is no right or wrong answer.

I also think it is important to give well-intentioned people the benefit of the doubt.  Erikan's post had some definite pronoun issues, but his or her advice was sound and kind: let Chris wear whatever feels most authentic to Chris.  Instead of jumping on someone who is "wrong"  but kind, approaching it as an education opportunity can be helpful to everyone.  Informing the poster that using he/she is particularly offensive because of the terrible baggage around gender-nonconforming people being referred to as “he-shes” adds some context and information that is lacking from a shut-up-you’re-wrong response.

This. Transgender does not exclusively mean someone whose gender is the opposite of what they were designated at birth. Some people do not identify with either binary gender. GLAAD has a great resource for this. It's mostly for the media, but the information is useful for everyone: http://www.glaad.org/reference/transgender. When in doubt, use the terms the person uses. If not sure, ask. 

And, to the OP, Chris not transgendered. She is a transgender woman.

Also, somewhat off topic but also with regards to education, last year there was a book that came out called "George" about a young transgender girl. The author, Alex Gino, uses "they" and so the book comes from a very personal place for them. While it's written for middle-grades, I think because of that it's a great resource for those people unfamiliar with transgender related issues. It was my favorite book of 2015, hands down.

drunkenwitch

Let her decide what she wants to wear. Be it dress, pantsuit or tux. Tell her that the most important thing is that she feels comfortable and happy.  Then tell her you have her back no matter what and you will support her. And give her the benefit of the doubt, she is most likely strong enough to tolerate a few snide comments.  She's already proven she's strong by starting this transition. 

Also, your heart is in the right place and it's wonderful that you want to protect Chris from bigots.

artbyallie

kvruns said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Pronouns ARE a big fucking deal.  But they can also be a big, confusing field of landmines because there are no set rules and trans awareness in general is sort of in its infancy.  You say not to use "they/their" but I personally have a friend who is trans and rejects gendered pronouns, identifying exclusively as "they."  Identity is such a personal thing, and there is no right or wrong answer.

I also think it is important to give well-intentioned people the benefit of the doubt.  Erikan's post had some definite pronoun issues, but his or her advice was sound and kind: let Chris wear whatever feels most authentic to Chris.  Instead of jumping on someone who is "wrong"  but kind, approaching it as an education opportunity can be helpful to everyone.  Informing the poster that using he/she is particularly offensive because of the terrible baggage around gender-nonconforming people being referred to as “he-shes” adds some context and information that is lacking from a shut-up-you’re-wrong response.

I thought I've been reading lately about a push to use "they" instead of he/she

It's appropriate to use the pronoun for which the person in question has expressed a preference, which in this case (at least going by OP) is "she/her/hers" and thus using "they" or "he" is not okay. Using "they/them/theirs" for a person who has requested it is fine. If you don't know what someone has chosen, use the person's name until you have asked that person's preferred pronoun.

artbyallie

Plus, some good reference material. I have several trans friends and found this very useful in helping navigate pronoun/name conversations.
http://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies

emmy72

A little late to the game here. This is tough. But shouldn't be.

If you can't "not" invite the bigoted family members, and you KNOW some of your family members are likely to cause a scene, I suggest you let some close family members know your concerns.

Everyone's family dynamic is variant, it may feel a bit awkward to call Uncle Tom up for the first time in years and say "hey, how's it going, so by the way...FI's brother is transgender now, try not to be a bigot on my wedding day". Are there very specific people you are concerned about? If so, do they have anyone close to them--a spouse, child, cousin of yours--who you could relay this information to prior to your wedding? You can gauge what you want to do from there.

Whatever you do, DON'T let anyone come to your wedding who is making you nervous/uncomfortable. Don't put yourself in that position. Don't put Chris in that position. If that means Uncle Tom can't come to your big day, that's Tom's fault. Not yours or Chris'.

AddieCake

While I agree Erikan should have used "she" as that is what the OP used, which leads me to guess that's what Chris prefers, I think we need to watch ourselves before freaking out over the use of "they/their." 

People here and everywhere, including me, even as an English teacher, use the term "they/their" incorrectly all the time, even having nothing to do with gender issues. They misuse it all the time in posts. "If a person wants to bring a date, then they can." That is a misuse of "they" b/c a person is not a they grammatically. Happens in nearly every post here. Nobody freaks out b/c it's no big deal. 

This is why I have a hard time referring to my friend's child, who is trans and prefers "they" as "they." Grammatically, it's incorrect. So instead I just use the person's name and no pronouns. But I often slip up and say "they" when talking about a person as in my example above. 

People on TK flip out over enough innocent slips of the tongue. Let's not add this one to the list unless we intend to flip out on anyone who uses it incorrectly and not just when talking about gender-related issues. Don't assume "they" was meant offensively. 

JediElizabeth

AddieCake said:

While I agree Erikan should have used "she" as that is what the OP used, which leads me to guess that's what Chris prefers, I think we need to watch ourselves before freaking out over the use of "they/their." 

People here and everywhere, including me, even as an English teacher, use the term "they/their" incorrectly all the time, even having nothing to do with gender issues. They misuse it all the time in posts. "If a person wants to bring a date, then they can." That is a misuse of "they" b/c a person is not a they grammatically. Happens in nearly every post here. Nobody freaks out b/c it's no big deal. 

This is why I have a hard time referring to my friend's child, who is trans and prefers "they" as "they." Grammatically, it's incorrect. So instead I just use the person's name and no pronouns. But I often slip up and say "they" when talking about a person as in my example above. 

People on TK flip out over enough innocent slips of the tongue. Let's not add this one to the list unless we intend to flip out on anyone who uses it incorrectly and not just when talking about gender-related issues. Don't assume "they" was meant offensively. 

Agreed. I've heard people refer to transgendered persons as "it." THAT is an offense to get worked up about. "They" is pretty benign, as it doesn't strip anyone of their humanity, nor their agency to choose a pronoun. It's as gender neutral as we can get without using "zhe" - which Chris may also prefer.