Should I 'wait' for my BF to change his mind?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I recently ended a wonderful relationship after a year and a half. We love each other, and the breakup has been devastating and tormenting to both of us. I want kids; the issue is a deal-breaker for me. The older I get the more worried I get about having them. My ex said he wanted to have kids at the beginning of our relationship, but this year he started feeling unsure about wanting kids. He says he doesn’t feel excited about it and has no longing for it. I think this is less about children and more of a fear of commitment. He doesn’t have a stable job right now and makes a lot less than I do, which may have him worried about supporting a family. I am not ready to give up on this relationship. Recently we have both individually started counseling, which I think is huge for him. But my question is, how much time do I give him to sort out his feelings? I want to give him some time, but I also can’t wait forever.

—Hanging Around

ShesSoCold

Based only on the subject, I said, "Nope" in my head.

After reading the letter, I'm still at "nope".

MissKittyDanger

Honestly, a friend of mine went through similar situation.
A couple - we'll call them K & S - were together for awhile. S had a pregnancy scare {which we called b.s on, but that's separate} and K wants kids. S went back to school and a couple weeks after their 1yr anniversary and a week before they were to move in together, she calls K saying she never wants kids and it's just not going to work out.

Short version, K was in similar situation and wanted to see if she'd change her mind. We all said "nope!"

*Barbie*

there's more than 4 men in the world. 

drunkenwitch

I have been saying for 20 years that I don't want kids. I'm 40, in a long term relationship and financially stable. Stiil.Don't.Want.Kids. up yours all the smug "you'll change your mind" people. Phew, had to get that off my chest.

What is the 4 me thing? It's driving ne crazy.

mrsconn23

drunkenwitch said:

What is the 4 me thing? It's driving ne crazy.

It's a long time WW phrase.   Typically, we use it in relation to Prudie letters from people who are writing about how terrible/not right for them their partners are and how the person wants to fix them rather than cut their losses and move on.  We also use it regarding terrible husbands...in more a, "You looked all around and it's the best you can come up with?"

VarunaTT

drunkenwitch said:

I have been saying for 20 years that I don't want kids. I'm 40, in a long term relationship and financially stable. Stiil.Don't.Want.Kids. up yours all the smug "you'll change your mind" people. Phew, had to get that off my chest.

What is the 4 me thing? It's driving ne crazy.

I'm with you, @drunkenwitch .  I really enjoy my various friends' kids, but I still really feel no desire for my own.  

ShesSoCold

I'm with you ladies too. 28 and never once had a desire to have children. I have stopped telling people that I don't want kids because I'm sick of the "oh you'll change your mind!" horsehit lectures people give. A few weeks ago, someone told me that I would make my mother sad. I said, "well, she's dead so I doubt she'll care much".

A few weeks ago H sent me a picture of this gorgeous bull mastiff. I'm pretty sure the feelings I had for that dog were the same feelings many women get when they see a cute baby. That dog is the closest I have ever come to those feelings.

VarunaTT

I struck a friend speechless one time when she was going on about how good babies smell.  I said, "Babies smell like baby wipes, diapers, and rotten milk.  Now puppy bellies?  Those smell AWESOME!"

*Barbie*

in this case - more than 4 men - meaning if she's that desperate to have kids, she needs to find a guy who is on the same page as her (or be single and go to a sperm bank). why continue in this relationship if they have such different opinions on this?

lembaslover

People need to stop trying to change other people. If their mind is made up it is and either you accept it or you don't. He's not going to suddenly decide he wants children so if she's not ok with that then she needs to go find someone who will.