Bad etiquette contagion

badbnagdway

The incidence of bad wedding related etiquette is growing amongst my friends. We just attended a DW where the rehearsal dinner had a cash bar - for both alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. Between fall of 2015 and fall of 2016 we have or will attend four weddings. Every single one has a cash registry of some form, and the two to come include a dress code. One is formal and one is semi-formal - I assume they will be high-school dance themed.  

The internets is infected with bad ideas. 

thisismynickname2

Blugh to cash bars. 
At least the cash registry and dress code don't really affect you. Side eye away; don't think there's anything you can do though. Maybe some pointed comments if anything ever came up in conversation, like, "Oh, we trusted our guests to dress themselves and they did great, ha-hah!" or "We got plenty of cash without anyone having to pay a third party company. Guess we're just old fashioned!"

ILoveBeachMusic

I have heard of too many people considering cash registries lately! I always point out that they don't get all the money if they use a website. If they are just thinking about asking for cash, I try and steer them toward the "we are saving for X" line. I'm of the older generation and most of my friends are offended by asking for cash/cash registries.

kimmiinthemitten

There was a big FB conversation about cash registries and half of the responses were "if they think it's tacky, they don't have to donate to it."

CMGragain

There have always been tacky, rude people who were clueless about their behavior.  They will always be with us.  The question is, what will YOUR choices be?

scrunchythief

kimmiinthemitten said:

There was a big FB conversation about cash registries and half of the responses were "if they think it's tacky, they don't have to donate to it."

Ugh. "Donate."  They're not a charity, and snarky me would ask to see their non-profit status application.

But yay, Tina Fey!

ernursej

I've had several ladies at work suggest that I set up a cash registry. They are flabbergasted that we aren't having any registry for gifts and have told me that people like guidance. I've told them that we don't expect any gifts and that the cash registry take money to operate. Most people were honestly surprised at that tidbit. 

badbnagdway

scrunchythief said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

There was a big FB conversation about cash registries and half of the responses were "if they think it's tacky, they don't have to donate to it."

Ugh. "Donate."  They're not a charity, and snarky me would ask to see their non-profit status application.

But yay, Tina Fey!

SITB Yes, the word "donate" gets me every time. I make donations to charity. Your honeymoon/house downpayment/whatever is not a charity. Unless it's tax deductible it's a gift, not a donation.  

kimmiinthemitten

@badbnagdway and @scrunchythiefyeah, use of the word donate was theirs not mine!  They also advocated for a honeymoon jar at showers!  <sarcasm font>You know, just in case your gift wasn't generous enough!</sarcasm font>

morewineplease

OMG I was talking with my family this weekend about the wedding and they are all SHOCKED I am doing an open bar. They think people should expect to pay for liquor. I cannot understand why they think it would be OK to have people fly to the wedding, pay for a rental car, and their own drinks. 

ILoveBeachMusic

Friend posted on FB that she has found the venue for her bridal shower! This is the person who also threw herself a baby shower. Face palm!!

Gwendolyn1986

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

Gwendolyn1986

Also does anyone else totally hate bridal showers? I've been to a few and they've always been boring stuffy present opening parties with dumb games and not enough alcohol.

kahluakoala

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

I've been to a couple at restaurants. however - both were hosted by a MOH or Bridesmaid that lived in a large city and had no capacity for 20+ people in their home (apartment or condo)

Venues like, wedding venues. That shit is too much. 

kahluakoala

Gwendolyn1986 said:

Also does anyone else totally hate bridal showers? I've been to a few and they've always been boring stuffy present opening parties with dumb games and not enough alcohol.

Also - yes. I don't know - like, I get the point of a registry, but when the B&G pick out their own gifts in advance, I'm not really interested in seeing them open it. I know they'll like it, they picked it!

JediElizabeth

Knottie1460573700 said:

Gwendolyn1986 said:

Also does anyone else totally hate bridal showers? I've been to a few and they've always been boring stuffy present opening parties with dumb games and not enough alcohol.

Also - yes. I don't know - like, I get the point of a registry, but when the B&G pick out their own gifts in advance, I'm not really interested in seeing them open it. I know they'll like it, they picked it!

Then buy off-registry? I think most of the showed I go to have about 10-30% off-registry gifts, and those are always the best. Seeing a bride open a framed collage of her and her FI, or a set of 4 baskets with decor and entertaining tools for each season (two that I saw at the last 2 showers I was at) is much more fun than the towels she picked out, but not really something every guest is comfortable giving. 

kahluakoala

JediElizabeth said:

Knottie1460573700 said:

Gwendolyn1986 said:

Also does anyone else totally hate bridal showers? I've been to a few and they've always been boring stuffy present opening parties with dumb games and not enough alcohol.

Also - yes. I don't know - like, I get the point of a registry, but when the B&G pick out their own gifts in advance, I'm not really interested in seeing them open it. I know they'll like it, they picked it!

Then buy off-registry? I think most of the showed I go to have about 10-30% off-registry gifts, and those are always the best. Seeing a bride open a framed collage of her and her FI, or a set of 4 baskets with decor and entertaining tools for each season (two that I saw at the last 2 showers I was at) is much more fun than the towels she picked out, but not really something every guest is comfortable giving. 

Yes - some gifts off registry are very nice and something I will certainly do for close friends. I'm still generally pretty bored by the whole gift opening thing, especially when the bride picked out a lot of the gifts herself. I was responding to a post that said, "does anyone else totally hate bridal showers" and I said "yes I think they're boring"

ILoveBeachMusic

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

Exactly what I was thinking, along with "you aren't suppose to host your own bridal shower".

kimmiinthemitten

My best friend runs a catering company and this weekend she received an email from a bride who asked if they can eliminate appetizers for cocktail hour because the linens she chose are more expensive than she budgeted for.

Her real response (to me, not the client) was 1. why is that my problem and 2. your guests are going to hate you.

badbnagdway

kimmiinthemitten said:

My best friend runs a catering company and this weekend she received an email from a bride who asked if they can eliminate appetizers for cocktail hour because the linens she chose are more expensive than she budgeted for.

Her real response (to me, not the client) was 1. why is that my problem and 2. your guests are going to hate you.

What? No. People love sacrificing their own comfort for the bride's vision. 

JeeGooDowster

My sister-in-laws are bridesmaids for an upcoming PPD.  The MOB threw the shower and complained that my sister-in-laws "didn't do anything" for the bride.  Bleh, I normally don't get offended by alot of these etiquette blunders but this one, I'm highly offended and sooo not looking forward to going to the PPD.

MissKittyDanger

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

Since my H and myself have a relative size family, my bridal shower was thrown in a party room because the one who wanted to host the party lived too far and realized she didn't have the space.

Gwendolyn1986 said:

Also does anyone else totally hate bridal showers? I've been to a few and they've always been boring stuffy present opening parties with dumb games and not enough alcohol.

Tbh I think it depends on who's hosting. There was fun games that involved everyone because I specifically wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. I wasn't in it for the gifts, for me this was extended family meeting each other and my bridesmaids.

TrixieJess

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

To be fair, most of the showers I've been to have been 50+ people. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding shower at someone's house. It has either been at a church hall or conference centre.

ETA: All the showers I've attended have been full lunches. 

ILoveBeachMusic

TrixieJess said:

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

To be fair, most of the showers I've been to have been 50+ people. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding shower at someone's house. It has either been at a church hall or conference centre.

ETA: All the showers I've attended have been full lunches. 

TrixieJess said:

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

To be fair, most of the showers I've been to have been 50+ people. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding shower at someone's house. It has either been at a church hall or conference centre.

ETA: All the showers I've attended have been full lunches. 

I've been to showers with full lunches and ones with heavy snacks. I've never been to a shower that was at a restaurant (there is nothing wrong with that). It is probably a circles thing. My side eye for this particular shower was the way she announced finding a "venue" on FB and hosting her own shower. Now I'm waiting to get the FB invitation like I did to her baby shower.

jh715

I'm the only wedding that I can recall in my family history (and I got married at 32 and come from a large family, so I've been to quite a few family weddings), where there was an open bar.  Every single family wedding I've attended where alcohol has been served has been cash or toonie bar.  I actually caught some flack from older family members because "giving alcohol away would let things get out of hand". 

People had a great time, I had transport arranged to anywhere within a reasonable radius (most guests were staying in a nearby hotel),  so even if people were slightly overserved there was no need for them to drive.

I did mess up and have a gap though (clearly I didn't spend enough time on here prior to my wedding).  Not a great excuse, but again, my bad etiquette family also has a longstanding history of gaps (I had not been to a wedding without one in my 32 years).

Since reading more of the forums here post wedding, I wish I'd have planned some things differently to make the day easier for my guests.  Hindsight is 20/20 though, and I definitely raised the bar with my open bar and the meal I provided.

sunflower0592

Gwendolyn1986 said:

wait people have venues for bridal showers now? I thought it was just, invite 20 people over and serve snacks?

I think it depends on the area. I come from the south and showers were always as you described- at someone's home, hors d'oeuvres and cake, fairly casual and laid-back. I moved out of state to western NY and every bridal and baby shower I've been to here has been at a rented room. Like it's just the norm here- always at some kind of banquet hall with a catered meal. And like 50-100 people in attendance. It's still kind of baffling to me. I can't help but think the amount of money the hosts spend on these affairs and how it could be put towards actual wedding expenses, but hey, to each their own.

Knottie27938820

My MIL is disabled. She would never have been able to go up the 2-3 stairs to get to someone's house. We had the shower at the community room in an apartment complex. Sometimes you have to rent a room.

Mine was a tea party. I loved it.