In-Law Horror Story

LuckyStarandHoneyBunny

CMGragain said:

IrishPirate60 said:

CMGragain said:

The Baptist church does not recognize any baptisms that are not total immersion and are not given to consenting persons of age.  This includes my own Presbyterian infant baptism.  When I worked for a Baptist church (organist and choir director) I made it very clear that I was not converting.  Four years later, I was fired so that a "true believer who is one of our own" could take my position.  Not very Christian, and she wasn't very talented, either.
Unfortunately, some people are actually taught that the Catholic church is not a Christian church.  This is just wrong.  It is hard for people who were taught this belief as children to overcome it.
You might invite your FILS to a Catholic service, so that they can see for themselves that it is very similar to their own service.  You could also point out the similarities in the two denominations (right to life, Jesus is our savior,  communion practice, without getting into the trans substantiation issue).  It might work, might not.  You could even tell the priest so that he could be open to some non-Catholics who are there to learn.

About the saving account issue - this is something that your FI needs to solve by cutting his parents out of his finances.  No grown man needs to ask his parents for permission to spend his own money.

PS.  You do realize that if your are married outside that Catholic church, you will no longer be in a state of grace, and can no longer take communion at the mass?  This is not easy to fix.

Pope Francis would have an issue with your PS. Maybe rethink what you lead with.

I know that the current Pope is hoping to change the rules, but I haven't heard that this has happened yet.  Maybe the other Catholic Knotties can check  on this?
I always understood that a Catholic must be married in the church with The Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.  If they are married any other way, including a civil marriage, they can no longer take communion in the mass.  The one exception is an Orthodox Church wedding.

We got permission from our diocese to have a priest come to the venue. 

As to inviting them to a Catholic service, FI's mother grew up Catholic. So she feels she has "extra special" knowledge as to why Catholics are going to hell. 

MairePoppy

CMGragain said:

MairePoppy said:

@CMGragain, Pope Francis is changing things up a bit. He's suggesting a merciful approach to gay, divorced and remarried, cohabiting Catholics. My understanding is that no one should be excluded from the sacraments based on their 'irregular' marriages. Priests should make decisions on a case by case basis. This is a big deal. It remains to be seen how receptive local church's will be. There is hope.

This sounds very hopeful.  Does this mean that we should stop cautioning Catholic couples about marrying outside the church?

It would be safest to say the couple should talk to  their priests. I would think the priest would counsel the couple to get married in the church if there are no impediments. 

LuckyStarandHoneyBunny

Thank you all for the advice! I apologize for taking so long to respond, I took a much needed internet-free staycation. 

My FI now has complete control over his finances, I believe that was probably the greatest reason as to his parents freak out. But it doesn't make up for what FMIL said. Someone mentioned an apology, however, I'm not a forgiving person when it comes to my family. This is not the first time we've had issues with FI's parents, where we discussed boundaries (without calling them boundaries) before and they don't seem to have listened or cared. 

At this point I'm not sure of what we're going to do, because I am seriously done with the drama and the fake smiles. 

But again, I really, truly appreciate y'all! 

LuckyStarandHoneyBunny

kimmiinthemitten said:

Your FIL's sounds a lot like my FMIL.  It's called emotional manipulation.
This is so, so accurate.

First and foremost, your FI needs to establish his independence from them and set firm boundaries.  There is zero reason a 28 year old man needs to get permission or input on how he spends his money, where he lives and what value system he chooses to base his life on.  He needs to cut that cord.  

They will not react well to it.  They will yell and cry and blame you.  It's not your fault.  Your relationship has unveiled the manipulation he's been under, but they will be good at making you feel that way.  And your FI probably has changed.  He is no longer their dependent kid; he is now an adult who is preparing to be a husband and possible father. 

Remember, it is not you they hate.  They would have hated anyone who helped him gain/recognize his own independence.  

ETA - I missed a word!

Thank you sooo much. I really needed to hear this. 

kimmiinthemitten

LuckyStarandHoneyBunny said:

Thank you all for the advice! I apologize for taking so long to respond, I took a much needed internet-free staycation. 

My FI now has complete control over his finances, I believe that was probably the greatest reason as to his parents freak out. But it doesn't make up for what FMIL said. Someone mentioned an apology, however, I'm not a forgiving person when it comes to my family. This is not the first time we've had issues with FI's parents, where we discussed boundaries (without calling them boundaries) before and they don't seem to have listened or cared. 

At this point I'm not sure of what we're going to do, because I am seriously done with the drama and the fake smiles. 

But again, I really, truly appreciate y'all! 

With practice, your FI will figure out what works and what doesn't.  After our last incident with FMIL (which is when she bashed my family) FI let her have it for 3-4 conversations in a row.  She was so mad she didn't speak to him for over 3 weeks, and when she finally did she acted like nothing happened and it wasn't intentional.  The following conversation he brought it back up again and laid ground rules and she apologized and said she understood.  I don't believe it'll last forever, but if it sticks for a few months, it's progress I can take.

ETA:  The most important thing is that your FI defends you when they do this.  If FI just let FMIL say and do and treat me however she wanted, I'd be out!

MairePoppy

Congrats to your fi for standing up to his mom and taking control of his money. He should let her know that the two of you are a package deal and she must treat you with respect. Otherwise, she won't be seeing much of either of you or any future grandchildren. 

CMGragain

MairePoppy said:

Congrats to your fi for standing up to his mom and taking control of his money. He should let her know that the two of you are a package deal and she must treat you with respect. Otherwise, she won't be seeing much of either of you or any future grandchildren. 

Yup!  This brought my MIL back to reality!  She may never have adored me, but she truly loved her grandchildren.

emmy72

LuckyStarandHoneyBunny said:

Thank you all for the advice! I apologize for taking so long to respond, I took a much needed internet-free staycation. 

My FI now has complete control over his finances, I believe that was probably the greatest reason as to his parents freak out. But it doesn't make up for what FMIL said. Someone mentioned an apology, however, I'm not a forgiving person when it comes to my family. This is not the first time we've had issues with FI's parents, where we discussed boundaries (without calling them boundaries) before and they don't seem to have listened or cared. 

At this point I'm not sure of what we're going to do, because I am seriously done with the drama and the fake smiles. 

But again, I really, truly appreciate y'all! 

It sounds like you two (as in, you and FI) are in a good place. I'm very, very glad to hear that FI is on your side and has tried to establish boundaries here.

Seriously, it's your FI's parent's loss if they're not willing to treat you like adults and give you some respect. Their reaction to FI becoming independent sounds like a super long-winded temper tantrum that will EVENTUALLY blow over. But yeah, by no means are you obligated to accept an apology that comes your way.