Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Incorporating fiancé's daughters into our ceremony

My fiancé has 2 daughters, 14&5. They are already included in the wedding, the oldest is a bridesmaid and the youngest is the flower girl. We would like to add something to the ceremony that incorporates us becoming a family. I'm not sure what to do and I'm not fond of the sand ceremony. Any suggestions would be appreciated. 

Re: Incorporating fiancé's daughters into our ceremony

  • I think a lot of people are going to tell you not to "add something to the ceremony that incorporates us becoming a family."

    Having the children as bridesmaid and flower girl respectively are appropriate roles for them.  But don't ask them to say anything or make vows to them during your wedding ceremony. This is not appropriate for a wedding ceremony. If you really need some kind of "unity ritual," do that in private and not at your wedding ceremony.
    SP29OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • I'm with Jen. Yes, you are becoming a family and they are/will be a huge part of your life, but your future stepdaughters are not a part of your marriage. A marriage ceremony is an inappropriate place to "incorporate" anyone or anything except the two of you.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    SP29OliveOilsMom[Deleted User]
  • Leave the daughters out. The ceremony is between you and your spouse. 
    SP29JediElizabethInLoveInQueens
  • You also have to be conscious of the feelings of the girls. Trying to do something beyond being in the wedding party could make them feel as though they're turning away from their mother. Your new family won't be the only family in their lives.
    OurWildKingdomJediElizabeth
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Agree with PPs.

    A wedding is a ceremony uniting two consenting adults in marriage. This is not the place to include any sort of family vows/union with your future step daughters. If you want to do some sort of family ceremony, do it privately at another time.
  • 100% agree with PPs. I think it is wonderful to be including them as a bridesmaid/flower girl.
    FutureMrsHern
  • My fiancé has 2 daughters, 14&5. They are already included in the wedding, the oldest is a bridesmaid and the youngest is the flower girl. We would like to add something to the ceremony that incorporates us becoming a family. I'm not sure what to do and I'm not fond of the sand ceremony. Any suggestions would be appreciated. 
    Your wedding unites you and your FI in the legal state of matrimony.  It does not change the status of his children.  That would be adoption.  Do you want to adopt them?  How does their mother feel about that?

    Please do not add such an inappropriate ceremony to your wedding.  My mother wanted to do this, but the priest vetoed it.  Thank goodness, because the marriage only lasted four years, and it was a disaster.

    You will become a family at the wedding when you and FI are married.  His children will become your stepchildren, automatically.  No ceremony needed for that.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    madamerwinSP29
  • Thanks for all the comments. I think I should have worded my initial post differently. I don't think we should necessarily include them in the ceremony (this is the reason I don't like the sand ceremony I've seen in wedding with stepchildren). I just thought adding something addressing the fact that they are going to be a huge part of our lives would be appropriate. Maybe have the pastor address it in his opening or closing remarks. I do not plan on adopting them they have mothers and I have never crossed that line. But they are special to us and are excited about this day too. I just felt like ignoring them completely would be wrong. 
  • bleve0821bleve0821 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    Thanks for all the comments. I think I should have worded my initial post differently. I don't think we should necessarily include them in the ceremony (this is the reason I don't like the sand ceremony I've seen in wedding with stepchildren). I just thought adding something addressing the fact that they are going to be a huge part of our lives would be appropriate. Maybe have the pastor address it in his opening or closing remarks. I do not plan on adopting them they have mothers and I have never crossed that line. But they are special to us and are excited about this day too. I just felt like ignoring them completely would be wrong. 
    No.  It's not appropriate, especially if you aren't officially adopting them.   Yes, FH's daughters will be a large part of your life, but a wedding is neither the time, nor the place, to call attention to that.  Having your pastor address that they are going to be a "huge part" of your life does include them in the ceremony itself, which is not appropriate.

    Everyone already knows the daughters are already a huge part FH's life.  If I were a guest at your wedding, I would not feel that it was about you AND your FH AND his daughters.  It would feel to me like it was simply about you.  This family unit is already established.  Majority always wins.  You're becoming part of their family, not the other way around.

    ETF words.  Again.


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    InLoveInQueensgeebee908CMGragain
  • Thanks for all the comments. I think I should have worded my initial post differently. I don't think we should necessarily include them in the ceremony (this is the reason I don't like the sand ceremony I've seen in wedding with stepchildren). I just thought adding something addressing the fact that they are going to be a huge part of our lives would be appropriate. Maybe have the pastor address it in his opening or closing remarks. I do not plan on adopting them they have mothers and I have never crossed that line. But they are special to us and are excited about this day too. I just felt like ignoring them completely would be wrong. 
    Im confused, I thought you said they are involved in the wedding already as a BM and a flower girl? You are no ignoring them completely, they already have roles of honor. 
    image
    JediElizabethCMGragainSTARMOON44
  • I may be wrong, but if you want to do any more for them, it may be appropriate to give them each a special gift, though if do this in private before or after the ceremony. I would not make a public show of anything, though. 
    ernursejOurWildKingdom
  • SP29SP29 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    By including them in your WP, you are not ignoring them. Far from it! Being in the WP is an honour role, and the fact that they have both agreed to participate and will be walking up the aisle to stand beside you is mention/notice enough that they accept you as part of their family.

    If you want to give each of them a gift, I think that would be fine, but it should be done privately before/after the wedding.
    ernursejOurWildKingdom
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