Can I take over the rehearsal dinner from FILs?

KnickerGold

Looking for some unbiased advice...

FI and I are having a large wedding in NYC- evening, formal, etc. My parents are paying for 100% of it.
FI's parents offered to host the rehearsal dinner- great! They asked to be put in contact with our wedding planner for some assistance as 1)they've never planned a rehearsal dinner 2)they've never lived in NY, so need help with locations etc.

Planner has had multiple calls with them, they shoot down all of the ideas. (This info came from FI and FMIL, not planner) They can't even decide on the number of guests, even having being given multiple lists - the 'bare minimum'- aka only those attending the rehearsal, the 'bare minimum+close friends/relatives who will be in town' list, the 'bare minimum+ family' list etc, which they requested. 

Now I understand that not everyone is a big planner, but it's been made clear to FILs that this is not something that can wait until the last minute- things get booked! They've been hemming and hawing for the last 5 months... and nothing is done. 

FMIL is meeting my Mom and I, and planner, in NYC next weekend. There have been emails going back and forth and whenever the RD is brought up it's radio silence from FMIL, so there are exactly zero venue appointments set up.

I would like a RD. I am happy to pay for and plan the RD- but I need to know if I need to do this. We're less than 6 months out, and most of the original list of venues given to FMIL have been booked. 

Best way to broach this subject with FILs? Do I? I don't want to upset anyone- I understand that they offered to host this, but would not be surprised that it just 'doesn't happen'... and I don't want to be hosting my RD (since we are having a rehearsal, we need to feed people!) at McDonalds...

OliveOilsMom

KnickerGold said:

Looking for some unbiased advice...

FI and I are having a large wedding in NYC- evening, formal, etc. My parents are paying for 100% of it.
FI's parents offered to host the rehearsal dinner- great! They asked to be put in contact with our wedding planner for some assistance as 1)they've never planned a rehearsal dinner 2)they've never lived in NY, so need help with locations etc.

Planner has had multiple calls with them, they shoot down all of the ideas. (This info came from FI and FMIL, not planner) They can't even decide on the number of guests, even having being given multiple lists - the 'bare minimum'- aka only those attending the rehearsal, the 'bare minimum+close friends/relatives who will be in town' list, the 'bare minimum+ family' list etc, which they requested. 

Now I understand that not everyone is a big planner, but it's been made clear to FILs that this is not something that can wait until the last minute- things get booked! They've been hemming and hawing for the last 5 months... and nothing is done. 

FMIL is meeting my Mom and I, and planner, in NYC next weekend. There have been emails going back and forth and whenever the RD is brought up it's radio silence from FMIL, so there are exactly zero venue appointments set up.

I would like a RD. I am happy to pay for and plan the RD- but I need to know if I need to do this. We're less than 6 months out, and most of the original list of venues given to FMIL have been booked. 

Best way to broach this subject with FILs? Do I? I don't want to upset anyone- I understand that they offered to host this, but would not be surprised that it just 'doesn't happen'... and I don't want to be hosting my RD (since we are having a rehearsal, we need to feed people!) at McDonalds...

Your FI should call them up and say "Mom & Dad, we are very thankful you have offered to host the RD.  Since we are 6 months out, we need to book a place shortly as most places are already booked for the night we need.  How can I help?  If you want to provide me with your budget, I can look for a place that is suitable.  If you are no longer able to host the RD, that is also fine, Knicker and I can host it.  I just need to know how we can help."

It's possible the FMIL is very overwhelmed with options.  It could also be that FMIL is sticker shocked by NYC prices.  Also, I wonder if your wedding planner is trying to have a mini-reception for a RD and that is not anything your FILs can afford or want to host.

JaxInBlue

I agree with OliveOilsMom.  I think it's your FI's responsibility to try one last time to get the ball rolling with them, whether that's offering to do more of the "official" legwork, helping them narrow down what might seem like an overwhelming number of options, or addressing the many variables they might be seeing and weighing to make decisions.

When DH and I got married, my ILs also generously offered to host our rehearsal.  When we got to be about six weeks out, without any definitive plans, it was DH who sat down with them to hash everything out, and who, gently, offered to take over planning if their desires had changed.  We didn't want them to feel pressured to host if they weren't interested anymore, and we didn't want them to feel that we'd be disappointed in them.

I think the key is to be open.  Maybe they don't like working with the planner.  Maybe they are surprised at the prices.  Maybe they didn't realize that even with a place with as many restaurants as NYC, this can't be something planned two weeks in advance.  I'd see if your FI can have a resetting conversation with them, and then go from there based on what they say.

KnickerGold

Good ideas.

FI has been slammed with work and gutting/renovating his new house, so has been 100% absent from all planning. He told me (when I had a minor jet-lagged/been out of the country for 6 weeks- fueled anxiety attack about wedding planning being 'behind') that he knows he's been dropping the ball and that he'd even called his parents to apologize for not helping them more with the wedding planning...... that was a big 'HUH?' moment-- so we had a chat about how they actually haven't done anything. 
I think he's more on board now, so hopefully he can get it through to them this weekend that either they pick a venue by the end of the NY trip next weekend or we're hosting.

mntravelingmama

Why don't you and the planner narrow down the options for them and set a few appointments to see the venues when you all get together?  It's my guess they're overwhelmed and need some guidance.  Also, the prices may have stunned them a bit.

KnickerGold

mntravelingmama said:

Why don't you and the planner narrow down the options for them and set a few appointments to see the venues when you all get together?  It's my guess they're overwhelmed and need some guidance.  Also, the prices may have stunned them a bit.

That's the thing, the planner had widdled down a list for them, they never responded, and now those places are booked. 
Also, I'm trying *really* hard to not 'take over' the RD, since I'm not hosting and it's not my place to pick venues/make appointments. FMIL just refuses to acknowledge emails regarding wanting to set up venue appointments- so we can't just make her attend appointments...

Jen4948

I like @OliveOilsMom's approach.  Either way, your FI needs to be involved since these are his parents.

But if your FILs really don't want to do the RD, they need to say so and stop ignoring everyone.

I think your FI should say to them before you do anything else, "Mom, Dad, you offered to host the RD for us. If you really don't want to, KnickerGold and I understand that and we can make alternative plans, but we don't want to do that and leave you out of the loop. However, the plans have to be made now, and your non-responsiveness to our planner's inquiries isn't working. So with that in mind, can you tell us if you still want to be involved? If not, that's fine, but if you do, then KnickerGold and I need you to respond to inquiries. Otherwise, we'll have to make the plans without your input."

banana468

Jen4948 said:

I like @OliveOilsMom's approach.  Either way, your FI needs to be involved since these are his parents.

But if your FILs really don't want to do the RD, they need to say so and stop ignoring everyone.

I think your FI should say to them before you do anything else, "Mom, Dad, you offered to host the RD for us. If you really don't want to, KnickerGold and I understand that and we can make alternative plans, but we don't want to do that and leave you out of the loop. However, the plans have to be made now, and your non-responsiveness to our planner's inquiries isn't working. So with that in mind, can you tell us if you still want to be involved? If not, that's fine, but if you do, then KnickerGold and I need you to respond to inquiries. Otherwise, we'll have to make the plans without your input."

All of this.   I think they opened the door to this discussion when they said that they'd host.  In other situations you'd say, "I"m going to interpret your lack of response as a way of saying you're no longer doing this."   You can't really do that with parents but your FI can say, "Mom and Dad - we need an answer."

As others have said, they may not understand the pricing or the timing involved but I think your FI now needs to have the conversation with them so you aren't doing a RD in the Times Square Olive Garden. 

Jackie_Jormpjomp

Y

KnickerGold

Ya, I feel ya, I wish they hadn't offered... as bad as that sounds! I just want something booked, I honestly don't care where it is, just that there is *something* booked, so I don't have to stress!

levioosa

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Oooof. I feel your pain on this. FI originally went to FILs to approach them about if they would be able to contribute. FFIIL is VERY much a tightwad, which is something I am not at all used to dealing with.For example, they had a 20-year-old mattress in their guest room that he was very hesitant to replace, even though they regularly have company that uses it. 

FI generally goes to his mother when it comes to money issues, as she is much more reasonable. However, whenever FI talks with his parents about ANYTHING related to spending the money they said they would give, FFIL has to say SOMETHING. Last night I asked FI to speak with his parents about rehearsal dinner invitations and his father said that RD invitations was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of, and why can't we just use word of mouth ( we have 30 people attending our RD, word of mouth sounds like a nightmare). I told FI we should just pay for the invitations ourselves. 

At this point I had to ask FI if his parents (his dad, really) were going to hold this money over our heads - because if that was the case, I'd rather not take money from them. FI says he doesn't think so, but I told him we need to figure that out before we move forward. 

Isn't this fun?!?!?! 

Your FI was wrong to ask his parents to contribute.  The only people required to plan and pay for the wedding are you and FI.  If someone offers money, you can accept or decline it, but you should never approach anyone about paying for your wedding.  It's not their responsibility.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

oh ok i'll be sure to let him know you shared that, @levioosa

MyNameIsNot

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Wasn't asking for an opinion on etiquette  and didn't really want one, but thanks. I'll make sure to keep that in mind, @levioosa

In case you're lost, you're on an etiquette board. When you give advice that suggests being extremely rude, you are going to get called on it.

Your FI asking for money is bad enough, but you being judgmental about the age of the mattress your FIL's keep in their guest bedroom is ridiculous. 

Jackie_Jormpjomp

MyNameIsNot said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Wasn't asking for an opinion on etiquette  and didn't really want one, but thanks. I'll make sure to keep that in mind, @levioosa

In case you're lost, you're on an etiquette board. When you give advice that suggests being extremely rude, you are going to get called on it.

Your FI asking for money is bad enough, but you being judgmental about the age of the mattress your FIL's keep in their guest bedroom is ridiculous. 

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2007/12/q-a-how-often-should-i-buy-a-new-mattress/index.htm
"A mattress can be an expensive investment—we’ve tested models that cost in excess of $4,000—but if you treat your new one properly, it could easily last 10 years."

@MyNameIsNot

So silly that the courtesy offered to guests at a wedding wouldn't extend to actual life, outside of a single day. It was literally 20 years old. I get that folks can be facetious and even misuse the word "literally", but it was literally a 20-year old mattress. The fact that anyone would fight to keep a mattress that old is ridiculous. 

Furthermore, I wasn't giving advice to anyone - I was commiserating. There is a huge difference. 

photokitty

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Wasn't asking for an opinion on etiquette  and didn't really want one, but thanks. I'll make sure to keep that in mind, @levioosa

In case you're lost, you're on an etiquette board. When you give advice that suggests being extremely rude, you are going to get called on it.

Your FI asking for money is bad enough, but you being judgmental about the age of the mattress your FIL's keep in their guest bedroom is ridiculous. 

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2007/12/q-a-how-often-should-i-buy-a-new-mattress/index.htm
"A mattress can be an expensive investment—we’ve tested models that cost in excess of $4,000—but if you treat your new one properly, it could easily last 10 years."

@MyNameIsNot

So silly that the courtesy offered to guests at a wedding wouldn't extend to actual life, outside of a single day. It was literally 20 years old. I get that folks can be facetious and even misuse the word "literally", but it was literally a 20-year old mattress. The fact that anyone would fight to keep a mattress that old is ridiculous. 

Furthermore, I wasn't giving advice to anyone - I was commiserating. There is a huge difference. 

FFS, it's a guest bedroom mattress. So even if they have guests every other day, then it should last 20 years easy based on your consumer reports article...thanks tho. I don't know about you, but my guest bedroom doesn't even get used 60 days per year. AND ever heard, your guest bed should be nice, but not so comfortable that guests want to stay to long.

You should just pay for your RD, bc I doubt your FMIL is capable of meeting your impeccable standards. 

FWIW, a rehearsal dinner at McDonalds may not be good enough for you, but it can still be done by etiquette standards. 

Good luck!

lc07

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Wasn't asking for an opinion on etiquette  and didn't really want one, but thanks. I'll make sure to keep that in mind, @levioosa

In case you're lost, you're on an etiquette board. When you give advice that suggests being extremely rude, you are going to get called on it.

Your FI asking for money is bad enough, but you being judgmental about the age of the mattress your FIL's keep in their guest bedroom is ridiculous. 

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2007/12/q-a-how-often-should-i-buy-a-new-mattress/index.htm
"A mattress can be an expensive investment—we’ve tested models that cost in excess of $4,000—but if you treat your new one properly, it could easily last 10 years."

@MyNameIsNot

So silly that the courtesy offered to guests at a wedding wouldn't extend to actual life, outside of a single day. 

If you don't like the guest room mattress, don't sleep on it. Get a hotel room. You don't get to tell other people how they spend their money. Not on their home furnishings, and not on your wedding. Quit acting like a tightwad yourself and pay for your own wedding and pay for a hotel room if staying in the guest room accommodations are not to your standards. 

Jackie_Jormpjomp

lc07 said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Wasn't asking for an opinion on etiquette  and didn't really want one, but thanks. I'll make sure to keep that in mind, @levioosa

In case you're lost, you're on an etiquette board. When you give advice that suggests being extremely rude, you are going to get called on it.

Your FI asking for money is bad enough, but you being judgmental about the age of the mattress your FIL's keep in their guest bedroom is ridiculous. 

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2007/12/q-a-how-often-should-i-buy-a-new-mattress/index.htm
"A mattress can be an expensive investment—we’ve tested models that cost in excess of $4,000—but if you treat your new one properly, it could easily last 10 years."

@MyNameIsNot

So silly that the courtesy offered to guests at a wedding wouldn't extend to actual life, outside of a single day. 

If you don't like the guest room mattress, don't sleep on it. Get a hotel room. You don't get to tell other people how they spend their money. Not on their home furnishings, and not on your wedding. Quit acting like a tightwad yourself and pay for your own wedding and pay for a hotel room if staying in the guest room accommodations are not to your standards. 

oh dear - i seem to have hit a nerve with the folks who have really old mattresses. 

sorry! 

lc07

oh dear - i seem to have hit a nerve with the folks who have really old mattresses. 

sorry! 

Wrong. I actually just bought a $4,000 mattress in February. My old one was less than 10 years old and my guest room mattress is less than 2 years old. You struck a nerve with folks who think it's gross to side-eye how other people furnish their homes and expect parents to pay for parties and keep their mouths shut while doing so.

*edited for clarity

Jackie_Jormpjomp

photokitty said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Wasn't asking for an opinion on etiquette  and didn't really want one, but thanks. I'll make sure to keep that in mind, @levioosa

In case you're lost, you're on an etiquette board. When you give advice that suggests being extremely rude, you are going to get called on it.

Your FI asking for money is bad enough, but you being judgmental about the age of the mattress your FIL's keep in their guest bedroom is ridiculous. 

http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2007/12/q-a-how-often-should-i-buy-a-new-mattress/index.htm
"A mattress can be an expensive investment—we’ve tested models that cost in excess of $4,000—but if you treat your new one properly, it could easily last 10 years."

@MyNameIsNot

So silly that the courtesy offered to guests at a wedding wouldn't extend to actual life, outside of a single day. It was literally 20 years old. I get that folks can be facetious and even misuse the word "literally", but it was literally a 20-year old mattress. The fact that anyone would fight to keep a mattress that old is ridiculous. 

Furthermore, I wasn't giving advice to anyone - I was commiserating. There is a huge difference. 

FFS, it's a guest bedroom mattress. So even if they have guests every other day, then it should last 20 years easy based on your consumer reports article...thanks tho. I don't know about you, but my guest bedroom doesn't even get used 60 days per year. AND ever heard, your guest bed should be nice, but not so comfortable that guests want to stay to long.

You should just pay for your RD, bc I doubt your FMIL is capable of meeting your impeccable standards. 

FWIW, a rehearsal dinner at McDonalds may not be good enough for you, but it can still be done by etiquette standards. 

Good luck!

Well, no. If you'd read the article you'd understand that mattresses last ten years. This isn't based on how many times per use, it's just common sense.

I mean, I was pretty clear when I said FFIL, but ok. FMIL is actually pretty amazing and I am lucky to have her. 

And nope, a rehearsal dinner  at McDonald's isn't good enough for me, you're right about that. Sorry, but I do have standards, I wouldn't have a problem taking over the rehearsal dinner and while I am not OP I definitely can identify with her concerns. 

I do appreciate your well wishes, so thanks! 

geebee908

So, mattresses have expiration dates no matter how much or how little they're used? Do they have some timing mechanism in them that causes the springs to give out at the ten-year mark?

Jackie_Jormpjomp

i mean, there are multiple outlets that are easily googled that give basically the same answer - and yes, that does not vary based on how much sleep mileage. Long story short- consumer goods have a lifespan, and while that might not be to anyone's particular liking, it is what it is. 

I really don't get why this is such a wild concept. You buy something and it's not indestructible and the consensus among mattress manufacturers is that with regular use 5-7 years is appropriate ( with the consumer report being more liberal with ten.) 

drunkenwitch

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

i mean, there are multiple outlets that are easily googled that give basically the same answer - and yes, that does not vary based on how much sleep mileage. Long story short- consumer goods have a lifespan, and while that might not be to anyone's particular liking, it is what it is. 

I really don't get why this is such a wild concept. You buy something and it's not indestructible and the consensus among mattress manufacturers is that with regular use 5-7 years is appropriate ( with the consumer report being more liberal with ten.) 

If the mattress offends you that deeply just rent a hotel room. 


Oh wait...

MesmrEwe

OP - take it over, don't ask FIL's to contribute, and get the job done with or without FI if it's that much of an issue.  If they decide to contribute at some point, great, but make the executive decision with your FI on something the two of you can easily afford yourselves then if they contribute it's a bonus, but it's also within your budget if they don't. 

crowsgirl15

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

i mean, there are multiple outlets that are easily googled that give basically the same answer - and yes, that does not vary based on how much sleep mileage. Long story short- consumer goods have a lifespan, and while that might not be to anyone's particular liking, it is what it is. 

I really don't get why this is such a wild concept. You buy something and it's not indestructible and the consensus among mattress manufacturers is that with regular use 5-7 years is appropriate ( with the consumer report being more liberal with ten.) 

Not that it matters, because, honestly, if your in laws want to have a worn out, falling apart mattress or a damn sleeping bag in their guest room it's really not something you should be commenting on...

...but do you seriously believe that if you never sleep on a mattress it just becomes worn out on its own? From...what, exactly? It's not like the fabric's going to go bad... If you want an "easily googled" source that negates everything you've just said: http://www.larexplus.com/mattress-life-span---cycle.html. It was the 6th option down on the google search "life span of a guest mattress".

That being said, judging how someone else chooses to keep their house is ALWAYS rude. They're doing you a favor by letting you stay there. If you don't want to sleep on a 20yo mattress, go sleep somewhere else that you're paying for.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

crowsgirl15 said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

i mean, there are multiple outlets that are easily googled that give basically the same answer - and yes, that does not vary based on how much sleep mileage. Long story short- consumer goods have a lifespan, and while that might not be to anyone's particular liking, it is what it is. 

I really don't get why this is such a wild concept. You buy something and it's not indestructible and the consensus among mattress manufacturers is that with regular use 5-7 years is appropriate ( with the consumer report being more liberal with ten.) 

Not that it matters, because, honestly, if your in laws want to have a worn out, falling apart mattress or a damn sleeping bag in their guest room it's really not something you should be commenting on...

...but do you seriously believe that if you never sleep on a mattress it just becomes worn out on its own? From...what, exactly? It's not like the fabric's going to go bad... If you want an "easily googled" source that negates everything you've just said: http://www.larexplus.com/mattress-life-span---cycle.html. It was the 6th option down on the google search "life span of a guest mattress".

That being said, judging how someone else chooses to keep their house is ALWAYS rude. They're doing you a favor by letting you stay there. If you don't want to sleep on a 20yo mattress, go sleep somewhere else that you're paying for.

You're right, by all means you should definitely take the ONE non- reputable source that states the contrary and determine that to be correct. @crowsgirl15

glasgowtolondon

Wow, you really take your mattresses seriously.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

Thank you  for pointing out the ridiculousness in one tiny detail of a post being beaten to death. 

crowsgirl15

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

crowsgirl15 said:

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

i mean, there are multiple outlets that are easily googled that give basically the same answer - and yes, that does not vary based on how much sleep mileage. Long story short- consumer goods have a lifespan, and while that might not be to anyone's particular liking, it is what it is. 

I really don't get why this is such a wild concept. You buy something and it's not indestructible and the consensus among mattress manufacturers is that with regular use 5-7 years is appropriate ( with the consumer report being more liberal with ten.) 

Not that it matters, because, honestly, if your in laws want to have a worn out, falling apart mattress or a damn sleeping bag in their guest room it's really not something you should be commenting on...

...but do you seriously believe that if you never sleep on a mattress it just becomes worn out on its own? From...what, exactly? It's not like the fabric's going to go bad... If you want an "easily googled" source that negates everything you've just said: http://www.larexplus.com/mattress-life-span---cycle.html. It was the 6th option down on the google search "life span of a guest mattress".

That being said, judging how someone else chooses to keep their house is ALWAYS rude. They're doing you a favor by letting you stay there. If you don't want to sleep on a 20yo mattress, go sleep somewhere else that you're paying for.

You're right, by all means you should definitely take the ONE non- reputable source that states the contrary and determine that to be correct. @crowsgirl15

It was definitely more common sense than sourcing that I was relying on, but thanks for reiterating that you care more about how long people keep their mattresses than their hospitality. That was definitely the important part of my post.

glasgowtolondon

Jackie_Jormpjomp said:

Thank you  for pointing out the ridiculousness in one tiny detail of a post being beaten to death. 

I was including you in that ridiculousness. I agree that your in laws mattress is none of your business, but I love your links to mattress literature. Internet literature is always the best defense.

'Beaten to death'? Honey, you should stick around for a cash bar thread.

Jackie_Jormpjomp

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Jackie_Jormpjomp

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