Wedding Woes

Not excited about the wedding

Hi all! I'm 24 years old, newly engaged, wedding date set and most of the planning done. My problem is I'm not excited about the wedding. Before we got engaged my fiancé switched from agreeing with me to eloping to wanting a wedding. I literally broke down. For me I've never been the girl who dreamed of her wedding day. I've always been more excited for what comes after. Another part of it being I lost my mom three years ago to cancer and the idea of doing all the big wedding things without her really sucks. I'm trying to get excited about it all, but at the end of the day I just can't. Can anyone give some advice or is anyone going through something similar?

Re: Not excited about the wedding

  • Have you explained to your Fi how you feel? I'm sure there is a meeting in the middle that can happen where you both are happy.
    image
  • You said most of the planning is done. Are there aspects you're unhappy with or felt pressured into? Is it too late/expensive to change them or delegate them to FI? 

    It's not a crime to be burnt out from it all or just want it happen. I got engaged in February and wanted a summer wedding (that summer was not happening) so I had a much longer engagement than I wanted. I was tired of thinking about every. little. thing. weddingy, tired of talking about.


  • I was kind of the same way. I wanted to do what @ShesSoCold did but my FH wanted a larger wedding so that is what we are doing. It may take some time to wrap your head around it but you'll get excited. Don't concentrate on all the other stuff, just remember at the end of the day you'll be married to the person you love. 
  • Thanks for the responses. I have talked to my fiancé and his reasoning for wanting a wedding instead of eloping is he's only getting married once and he wants to do it right. I've told him how I felt and he hates that I'm miserable about it and feels like he's pushing me to something I don't want. I'm willing to have a wedding for him because I love him and that's what he wants. Guest count is about 100. In general I'm unhappy with the whole wedding. The date, the guest count, number of people in the bridal party. I dread the idea of dress shopping without my mom. I'm not excited for any engagement party or wedding shower coming up. I just want everything to be done with. It's not stressful planning it. I just done want to do it and can't find any excitement for it. 
  • Thanks for the responses. I have talked to my fiancé and his reasoning for wanting a wedding instead of eloping is he's only getting married once and he wants to do it right. I've told him how I felt and he hates that I'm miserable about it and feels like he's pushing me to something I don't want. I'm willing to have a wedding for him because I love him and that's what he wants. Guest count is about 100. In general I'm unhappy with the whole wedding. The date, the guest count, number of people in the bridal party. I dread the idea of dress shopping without my mom. I'm not excited for any engagement party or wedding shower coming up. I just want everything to be done with. It's not stressful planning it. I just done want to do it and can't find any excitement for it. 
    There's no one "right" way to get married. I think it's pretty shitty of your FI to insist on something that makes you unhappy. Frankly, I'd put it all planning on full stop until I was happy with the plans. 
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    image
  • Maybe my real question here is has anyone dealt with having a wedding after a parents died? Because that's where my feelings of dread come from. I'm not a shy person, large crowds don't bother me. It's just I literally can't talk to the one person I want to about my wedding. I can't share my ideas with my mom. She can't come dress shopping with me. I don't blame my FI for wanting a wedding, because I know my feeling of dread are still linked to grieve over her not being here and I know it's something I have to get over. There will be plenty of monumentious moments in my life she will miss. And I know avoiding this isn't going to solve anything. 
  • I'm sorry this is so hard for you OP, I haven't been in your shoes so I can't say that I know how you feel. Have you thought about talking to a counselor, pastor, therapist about how you feel? You're not just grieving the loss of your mother, but grieving the loss of her at all of these big life moments and that is intense. But you don't have to do that on your own; I'd recommend seeking out someone to talk to because  you're right, these feelings aren't likely to go away on their own. 

    Hang in there, OP.
  • I went to counseling when it happened. And overall I'm fine with it all. It's just this is the first big life event for my family since then. I've thought about going back in but getting in takes awhile. I don't know how to tell people to stop saying I look like her, or don't compare me on my wedding to her. Because I already miss her enough and I don't need others reminding me. 
  • Totally agree with PPs.  I think at its root, this isn't a wedding issue; it's a grief and communication issue.  And it's totally understandable.  It's not the same at all, but my wedding was the first big life event after my grandma passed.  Our family was very aware that she wasn't there to attend the shower, to see my dress, to harangue my mom about being too ahead of schedule.  It was sad for me, but probably more sad for my mom, and my heart breaks for you being in this position.

    I think the advice to put a pause of planning, and to really engage with your fiance about your feelings and goals.  There must be more of a way to compromise between his 100 person wedding and your desire to elope.  It might look like @ShesSoCold did, or the park idea like she suggests.  It could also be changing the tone of your wedding, maybe something more laid back.  Whatever it is, I agree with PPs that it can't be something that causes you worry or stress.

    Also, if you think that dress shopping is going to be too much, I'm all for changing up what that means.  Maybe you and FI pick out your attire together.  Maybe you dress shop online and try on at home - there are great options at places like J. Crew, Macy's, Mod Cloth, Target, really so many places.  It doesn't have to be a bridal salon.  Do what feels right and comfortable to you.
    image
    Anniversary


  • I went to counseling when it happened. And overall I'm fine with it all. It's just this is the first big life event for my family since then. I've thought about going back in but getting in takes awhile. I don't know how to tell people to stop saying I look like her, or don't compare me on my wedding to her. Because I already miss her enough and I don't need others reminding me. 
    This makes my heart hurt. I'm sorry.  Is your dad still around? Or someone you feel comfortable enough with saying (hell, even texting)  "I know this is awkward /uncomfortable but can you spread the word that I would really really really appreciate it if everyone in the family tried their best not to tell me I look like Mom/ bring up her absence to me?"


  • Thanks for the responses. I have talked to my fiancé and his reasoning for wanting a wedding instead of eloping is he's only getting married once and he wants to do it right. I've told him how I felt and he hates that I'm miserable about it and feels like he's pushing me to something I don't want. I'm willing to have a wedding for him because I love him and that's what he wants. Guest count is about 100. In general I'm unhappy with the whole wedding. The date, the guest count, number of people in the bridal party. I dread the idea of dress shopping without my mom. I'm not excited for any engagement party or wedding shower coming up. I just want everything to be done with. It's not stressful planning it. I just done want to do it and can't find any excitement for it. 


    You're going to love this - I hope...  For the WP - let them choose what to wear - hand the detail off to them and let them figure it out on their own, if they want to wear a ball gown, wonderful, if they want to wear a sun dress, more power to them...  No work/added stress on your part!  As for what you're going to wear, if the shopping brings you anxiety, don't!  You had an idea what you wanted to wear to elope - wear that!  It's really o.k. to do!  I have a cousin whose wife wore a purple dress she had in her closet (her favorite color) and he wore a Hawaiian shirt.  Find one thing - marrying your FI - that you can be excited about and focus on that.  Focus on marriage prep and building your relationship for after the wedding day and get excited about those things.  Those are the things to get excited over anyway. 

    What you're feeling is absolutely o.k.!!!  Not every girl out there wants a PPD, OTOH, you have compromised quite a bit by having the wedding and associated events instead of eloping, which is stressful.  Remember to take time to take care of you through this - if that means meeting with your counselor, schedule it in, but if you can't get in, go ahead and journal your feelings, go for some long walks, go do something to "turn off" for a little while...

  • JediElizabethJediElizabeth member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    I don't have much to say in the way of advice, except to look for compromises or ways to cut the most painful aspects. My dad died years ago, but I'm still incredibly sad not to have a father/daughter dance. My FI understands, and won't be having a mother/son dance either, because it would hurt me to watch. 

    Maybe don't go to salons and try on wedding dresses. Find a nice white dress at Macy's or Free People or whatever your favorite store is, and call it a day. You don't NEED a big expensive to-do to have a wedding dress. 
  • I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I haven't lost a parent, but I can appreciate that it is hard and events are not the same.

    I agree with PPs that this sounds more about grief and less about getting married. I'd really encourage you to speak to someone again. Even if it takes time to get in, get on the list. Does your employer offer any counselling services?

    I also think it is worth re-evaluating your plans. I think some tweaking could help ease some of the feelings.

    I really like the idea of having family/friends spread the word that it is hard for you to hear "x".

    Hoping that you find a way to have a day that is special but doesn't feel like a burden.

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited April 2016
    I sort of envy you.  You have beautiful memories of your mother to cherish the rest of your life.  My memories of my late mother are not so wonderful - just the opposite.
    I did miss my Dad at my wedding.  He died when I was 15.  I know he would have been pleased with my life choices and my husband of many years.  Nothing can fill that space.  Life goes on.  I named my son for my late Dad.  He would have liked that.
    I shopped for my wedding dress by myself, and it was a good experience.  I got to choose what I really wanted instead of what someone else wanted.  No tears.
    No regrets.
    You might be surprised that you enjoy your wedding more than you expect.
    Engagement parties are not required.  Someone else has to give it for you, so you can decline.
    Showers are not required.  You can decline them.
    Bachelorette parties are relatively new, and they are not required, either.

    Above all, you must keep communication open with your FI.  Don't keep quiet about your feelings.  Tell him how you feel.  Just because you are having a wedding ceremony and reception doesn't mean that it has to be a huge big deal.  Small weddings are a lovely compromise.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • In general I'm unhappy with the whole wedding. The date, the guest count, number of people in the bridal party. I dread the idea of dress shopping without my mom. I'm not excited for any engagement party or wedding shower coming up. 
    I want to echo PP's recommendation that you seek out counseling.  If your FI did agree with you about eloping, you'd still have to choose a date, where to go and what to wear.  Sadly you also still couldn't speak with her about your wedding, so there's a chance you'd still feel this way even if you changed plans.

    I'm so sorry this has been so rough for you.  My best friend just lost her dad before she got married or started a family and it's been so hard.
    image
  • I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I agree with PPs that you ought to continue talking to your FI, so he really understands what you are uncomfortable with. He loves you, and I bet he does not want this day to be one of hardship, but of beauty and joy for you both. 

    Also, I completely second @MesmrEwe's suggestion of taking a very chill approach to any wedding planning. People get over-invested and worried about matching dresses and shoes, when really all you need and want is for you and your loved ones present to be comfortable and happy. Take out some of the stress and focus more on the marriage and less on the wedding -- that is not only okay, it is in many ways the ideal. 

    I almost lost my dad to cancer 10 years ago. It still scares me every time he goes in for a recheck. I remember at 18, when he was diagnosed, realizing how hard it would be to get married in the future without him, and I know I am going to be very emotional this summer at my wedding because I know it was but for the grace of God that he is still here. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 


                        


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I agree with putting wedding planning on hold until you and your FI can work out a compromise that takes both your feelings into account. 

    Couples' counseling may be able to help you arrive at such a compromise. I'd suggest it to your FI. I think you already have a big red flag with his pressuring you for a 100-guest wedding you don't want.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards