Well, something I never thought would happen in my friend
group just happened – I got invited to participate in a “house party.” For
those who aren’t familiar with the practice, the house party is southern “tradition”
that is essentially an extension of the bridal party – except the house party
is expected to do what I consider bitch work – handing out programs, setting up
the reception, greeting guests. Things, you know, hired help or a basket should
handle.
So my friend just sent me a card in the mail asking to participate in this
so-called house party and I have to say I’m incredibly hurt and offended by
this invite. I DO NOT feel like any sort of “honored guest” and I definitely
don’t want to shell out money for a dress of a specific length and color (she
requested we wear something long and light blue). Purchasing a long dress will
also require me to pay for any tailoring since I’m short and there is no such
thing as a long dress that will fit me in length without at least a hem job. Yay for spending more money on an outfit I don't want. She
framed it as an honor and that by participating in the house party I’ll be
invited to the fun pre-wedding stuff like showers and bachelorette parties, but
IMO, you should not need some made up title grouping thing in order to
invite non-bridesmaids to such events.
I get that she’s trying to be inclusive, but I’m a grown-ass
adult. I’m fully aware that not everyone will be in a bridesmaid and quite
frankly, I didn’t expect to be one in the first place. We’re close, but we’re
not “top three best friends” kind of close.
Had she waited, I would have gladly OFFERED to help out on
her big day in any way she needed it. I would have gladly helped set up her
reception or arrived early to make sure the florist and the baker knew where to
put the flowers and cake or helped haul her presents into a designated vehicle –
but the fact that she asked me to be in this ambiguous “house party” really
rubs me the wrong way. I’ll admit that I had two friends offer to help me out
and I took them up on it, asking them to spend about 20 minutes to set up
candles if they had time, but if not, I can find someone else to hire to do it.
I know the adult thing to do would be to respectfully decline this “honor”, but I know that doing so will shift our relationship in an unfavorable way – in a way that I do not want our generally great relationship to shift. So I am, unfortunately, feeling very, very, very stuck in this role. I’m judging her for quite a bit for even asking this of her friends.
And the thing is, I’m pretty sure she won’t ever realize how
this house party “honor” is making me feel – of course I won’t tell her and I'm sure the other house party invitees won't either because we don't want to hurt her feelings or risk damaging our relationships.
So PSA: if you’re thinking about a house
party throw one of these:
Don’t make your friends do bitch work for you. It’s not an
honor and they will think less of you for it. If you've already invited friends to participate in a house party - call them up an apologize. Let them know they are honored guests, and nothing is expected of them!
Re: PSA: Just say NO to House Parties
ETA: I do think you should decline. This has already affected your friendship
To keep your own expenses in check, could you at least be up front with some of the things? Like "Thanks! Just in case you're looking at matching dresses for the house party I want to let you know that my budget is X," and that would be your own budget for the dress before the tailoring. That way while your friend is doing things that are annoying, you can at least say "I'm sorry but I told you my attire budget was X."
Remember, if the friendship takes a dive because you won't be treated like shit then are you really the one to suffer?
"Friend, I love you and I am honored to be asked to a part of your House Party (barf). However, I very sorry, but I'm unable to take part. I have specific monetary goals right now and will be unable to purchase a dress specifically for your wedding. I can't wait to attend and celebrate your wedding with you and FI! You will be a beautiful bride! Have you thought of what kind of wedding dress you will be wearing?"
Flatter her and maybe she will forget that you can't be in her HP. I do think that you should tell her no.
@OliveOilsMom has a good idea for how to do it gently, but use that backbone.
I want to point out that this woman is an incredibly kind and overall wonderfully supportive friend and I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she sees this house party as a way to be more inclusive rather than a way to receive free labor, but even knowing that about her it still feels like a pretty big slight.
Tell her that you are so looking forward to attending her wedding, but that you just can't be a part of her house party. When she asks why you can either very gently and carefully tell her the truth, or just bean dip her over and over again.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I understand that push to tell OP to "just say no" and decline, but I don't think this is always so black and white. Yes, house parties are really rude, but that doesn't mean OP has to say no to it, it just means her friend did something rude.
I just don't want to to turn it into a big flaming deal if I don't need to, know what I mean? I honestly would have offered to help out if I had been given a chance to do so. I can control how I react to it, I can suck it up, do what's asked and move on in my life, or I can risk opening the floodgates of who knows what because I can't control how the bride (or our other friends) will react to my declining. It's not like my life goal is to go around correcting others etiquette blunders! And I'm not really pissed at her - more just disappointed.
My point is, in case you were thinking of it (and I know no regulars are, but a lurker might) don't do it. Even if you're friends don't tell you, they will still think it's rude and maybe even hurtful.
"Similar to the standard ‘attendant’ title, members of a house party are often assigned wedding day tasks like manning the guest book, handing out programs, serving cake, reading during the ceremony, or just assisting the bride on her big day. They can also be involved in helping with the bachelorette party and bridal shower, or just attending."
Assigned wedding day tasks? Blech.
Though that is a good idea. I am having a baby and he or she will be 5 months at her wedding, so that might be my excuse, and honestly I'm already kind of worried about making DH take care of him or her for the whole day solo if I'm expected to do a thousand ~wedding tasks~. Especially since I'm the one with the milk makers. But if her thought is that she wants me to be a reader or something like that, then eh, I'll do it.
No one said she has to decline or that she needs to launch into a dissertation on etiquette when she declines.
But "No" is not a four letter word, and even if it was it doesn't fucking matter. It's a waste of time to constantly worry about how other people are going to react and then try to spare them their reactions. If the Bride gets pissed, she gets pissed. . . and then she'll get over it. She'll be busy planning a wedding!
And usually when you are in close relationships with people the petty bullshit blows over quickly.
If you really think your friends will react like brats if you decline the stupid house party and you can't accept it for what it is (grown ass women acting like silly spoiled children), then just give the bride your max dress budget including alterations up front, and stick to it. If she picks dress outside of that budget tell her sorry, but no.
ETA: Your pregnancy is the perfect graceful out to this situation!
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I agree that it'd be fair to say that you're a bit unsure of what you'll be able to do to help out with a newborn (which I imagine is a true statement) and that you would be more comfortable as a "regular" guest.
Sadly - at 5mo you don't get to use the "Newborn" or "Scared Dad" because by 5mo he better be helping you out frequently (it's not babysitting - it's parenting) - and if not, you're setting a bad tone that puts all the work on you so taking care of Mom is next to impossible.
If you look on David's website they usually have some clearance that you can get cheaply (some are $40)... just say'n... Unfortunately, you've got to wait until after LO arrives (I'd say give it to the 4mo mark) to look since you don't know what your body will be post-baby (my figure greatly changed because of a diastasis forming)... Also hemming a plain bottom is incredibly easy to DIY if you own an ironing board and needle/thread...
If you truly don't want to do it though, just say so! You'd like to help out, but you won't be able to shop until last minute and it's too much stress for right now. Just say so! Be honest - it won't put a wedge there if you're honest that it'd stress you out too much right now because until baby comes, you won't know their personality nor your sleep level (DS didn't sleep until around 14mo outside of our arms, and only for 60-90 minute stretches at a time). And, if you're BF that's another thing to consider...
Of course if the OP doesn't want to participate she shouldn't, excuses or not, and I completely agree that "no" is not a dirty word. If she doesn't want to do it, she absolutely should decline. All I'm saying is that there are more options on how to deal with this situation than being a "doormat" or declining.
I think OPs more general point was that for people considering this for their wedding should rethink it because even in this case where the bride (according to OP) is a wonderful friend and person, it will cause hurt feelings even if the person don't say anything.
When someone hurts my feelings I'd rather talk to them about it and clear the air between us, rather than letting tension build. It's more awkward and uncomfortable avoiding the conversation than it is having the conversation to begin with.
I'm not really big on venting, either. When I read these sorts of posts I assume that the OP is looking for advice or a solution, so that's how I respond.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
For other friends I'm not as close to it might not be worth the effort because I'm not as invested and it just doesn't matter as much. But that doesn't mean I want to be in a House Party. Sorry. No. Never. It sounds like this is more the scenario with your friend. If I didn't think it was worth it to me to discuss the insult, I'd say, "Friend, I love you and I appreciate your intention to honor me on your wedding day. [We are operating under the assumption that she's BSC and considers this an honor. Fair enough.] But it will be best for me to attend your wedding as a regular guest. I'm very much looking forward to it and can't wait to celebrate your wedding!!"
You understand where she's coming from (trying to be inclusive versus demanding), she's a great friend otherwise and you were going to offer help anyway, so I just don't get why your feelings are this hurt.
It just seems like a very unstable relationship to begin with if "friend did something well-intended but thoughtless" puts you in a state of "incredibly hurt and offended." Talk it out with her or don't, but it sounds like you need to get out of your feelings on this.
That being said, I'm wary of the fact that you think she will respond negatively to you politely declining. IDK if you're unnecessarily working yourself up over that also or if it's a real possibility that she'd respond that way, but if it's the latter she's not really a good friend. To me that's a whole different type of rudeness.