Biological mom

Knottie1459689911

So I was adopted as a newborn and both my adoptive parents passed away in 2009. I didn't find out I was adopted until 2012 or so. I text with my biological mom, but I have never met her. I've only met one of my sisters. I plan on extending an invitation to the biological family (they live on the other side of the country). I was planning on "reserving" two seats for my adoptive parents with their pictures in frames to honor them. Anyhoo, do I save a seat for bio mom and her husband somewhere or just let them sit where they like? 

kimmiinthemitten

Knottie1459689911 said:

So I was adopted as a newborn and both my adoptive parents passed away in 2009. I didn't find out I was adopted until 2012 or so. I text with my biological mom, but I have never met her. I've only met one of my sisters. I plan on extending an invitation to the biological family (they live on the other side of the country). I was planning on "reserving" two seats for my adoptive parents with their pictures in frames to honor them. Anyhoo, do I save a seat for bio mom and her husband somewhere or just let them sit where they like? 

Most people advise against grand gestures to memorialize the deceased at weddings.  A wedding can already be an emotional day, especially when special people are missing, and you can't predict how you, or your guests, will react to the gesture.  Find a smaller way to incorporate them that only you know about, like a photo locket attached to your bouquet, playing their favorite song, serving their favorite dish at dinner.

If you don't have a relationship with your bio-mom I don't think you necessarily have to invite her or save her a reserved seat.  IMO (and I'm not adopted so take it with a grain of salt if you want) meeting your bio mom can be a very emotionally charged meeting and you could leave feeling a range of emotions from good to bad so your wedding day may not be the best day to coordinate that.

lnixon8

I would meet bio mom and fam beforehand. Will you even recognize her? Do you know if she runs late to weddings? Has funds to get there? Let her sit amoung everyone else. Sorry to her about your adoptive parents.

OliveOilsMom

Kimmi summed up everything perfectly.  Don't make a large gesture about your deceased parents.  You may become overwhelmed with the empty seats and framed pictures.  If you have a table with wedding photos of other family couples on it, this is a perfect spot for your parents' portrait to be placed.

My FIL had passed 8 year prior to our wedding.  We had a Catholic ceremony and he was mentioned during the normal course of mass.  We also had a special bouquet of roses, one for FIL and one for each grandparent.  The bouquet was in the back of the Church, we knew what it was for and so did our parents, but there was no sign or anything else to indicate to guests who the flowers were there for.  We did not want any of our guests to experience unexpected sorrow at a happy occasion.

As for your bio-mom.  I would try to meet her prior to your wedding.  There are a few posters who have been in a similar situation as you.  They have also held off on meeting bio-family at their weddings.  If you can meet her prior to your wedding, then I would invite her to your wedding. 

Jen4948

I agree with the recommendation not to make a grand memorial gesture at your wedding concerning your adoptive parents.  Don't do the framed photos on reserved seats, for example. It calls too much attention to the reason they aren't sitting in those seats. Your wedding isn't a sequel to their funerals or a memorial service, so I'd be more subtle in remembering them.  For example, you can provide food, drinks, decorations, or entertainment they would have enjoyed, wear or carry something they owned, and offer them tributes in a program if you plan to have one. If your ceremony is religious, you can also say appropriate prayers for them.

As for your biological mother, I agree with meeting her before issuing her an invitation.

MesmrEwe

IMO - I'd say meet your bio parents before your wedding if possible and then extend an invitation to the wedding.  The reason being - it is an emotional moment for both of you to meet.  Sometimes it can be over the top fantastic, other times, not so much but it's an unknown variable that can be on polar opposites of the bell curve and not something you may want to do the day of your wedding when you've got everyone to host.  You two should have your "moment" together, the wedding day has too much going on to give it the time it deserves. 

When it comes to memorializing your parents, flowers at the ceremony are always a "safe" option.  Or you could incorporate your Mom's favorite flowers into the arrangements, or your Dad's tie into your bouquet wrap or headpiece, but IMO, if the empty chairs are what brings you comfort, I wouldn't make a huge production of them, but I'm not going to say no because I lump it in the "leave a seat for Elijah" and all things spirit energy category...  Another idea is picture frames from both your & FI's family on the cake table (that way there's something on there when the cake is no longer there)...

SP29

I agree with meeting your bio family before the wedding. If you do invite them, I don't think you need to reserve a special place for them- let them sit among your other guests.

mntravelingmama

Agree with the above responses.  Two empty chairs with framed photos is just too sad...a downer on a day of celebration. You could make a mention of them in your program...on the back--a dedication to your parents, a poem, or "in loving memory of..." that type of thing. 

Knottie1459689911

Thanks guys!