A cabin on the lake . . . with friends?

tigerlily6

Hi all,

FI just floated me this idea, and I told him I need time to think about it and just kind of needed a place to get some reactions from. As we'll be married the 2nd of July, the Monday after is the 4th and a holiday. I have to be back to work on Tuesday, so we are not taking a long honeymoon at this point (we may take a trip later on in August when I have a few more days off, but this hasn't been confirmed or booked yet either.)

Due to the long weekend, a few of FI's old friends who live farther away and who are kind of free spirits said they might hang around for a few days afterwards and were interested in trying to hang out with FI after the wedding. I'm not sure if it was his idea or theirs (I think it's a bit of a combination), but there is a suggestion that we all go out to the local lake and either rent a cabin for Sunday-Monday night, or, alternatively, go backpacking in the state park nearby to the waterfront and camp there with tents. 

Now, I actually love camping, and we had thought of doing something like that in August when we have a few days off. So it's not necessarily the activity itself I'm iffy about. BUT, I've got mixed feelings about doing it with his old high school friends. They are good people, but: 

1) I'm not sure if any of my old friends will be staying in town longer or not, and I have no intention of asking them to do so, since the wedding is only ONE day, and they are free to stay or go for the extra days if they so choose. I get along okay with FI's friends, but I haven't had the chance to get to know them super well, so I think I might be a bit of a third wheel. Would I like to get to know them better? Sure! But the day after we're married? I kind of want at least a little "us" time. 

2) Following off the "us" time theme -- FI and I have been celibate for over a year now waiting for the wedding. TMI, I know. But, I am REALLY looking forward to being married, if you know what I mean. The idea of sharing a cabin especially bothers me in this respect. I want the space, privacy, and freedom to have him all to myself come nightfall, at the very least. Maybe if we had our own tent, that might be a bit more palatable to me. But they still would be in the same area, and so it wouldn't be fully private that way. Plus these friends party pretty hard. So there's a bit of me concerned that the evening would end up being me taking care of my new husband as he gets drunk with his friends in the wilderness. 

3) Some of our relatives may still be in town who would NOT want to go camping. I know it won't be my responsibility to host them beyond the wedding, but it still feels a bit weird to me that I wouldn't be able to visit much with them but would be going off with some of the other guests. If any of my friends do decide to stay in town longer and want to visit (and some of them live on the opposite side of the country, very far away), but aren't up for camping, then I'm worried I'm going to feel torn. If it were just me saying I was off to have time with FH, then I think I could justify that. But saying that we're off to go camping with a group of his friends . . . well, I'd feel kind of bad. 

I guess in conclusion I'm definitely feeling a bit off about this whole proposal FI came up with. But I don't want to be unreasonable, either. Am I making too much out of this? 

CMGragain

It sounds to me that you really don't like this idea of spending your honeymoon with other people, and I don't blame you.  Tell your FI exactly how you feel.  He can go camping with his buddies some other time.

tigerlily6

CMGragain said:

It sounds to me that you really don't like this idea of spending your honeymoon with other people, and I don't blame you.  Tell your FI exactly how you feel.  He can go camping with his buddies some other time.

Thanks, @CMGragain. That's what I think I plan to do today. I just was a bit shocked by his suggestion yesterday evening. It really didn't sound like a good plan to me, but I was worried that I might be being too fussy about everything. I understand that these are good friends of his that he does not get to see very often, and may not see again for some time after the wedding. But I think I may suggest instead that we just have a BBQ or something at our house the day afterwards for any guests still in town who would like to come. I was kind of thinking that's what we would do anyway. 

climbingsingle

I would not be down for that, especially if we had been celibate for a year. I think you should tell your FI you don't want to do it. 

jenna8984

Nope, you're perfectly reasonable to decline that. Maybe if his friends have extra time, they can come hang with him a few days before the wedding?

ernursej

As I was reading your post, I was thinking that you were the most patient person ever. I would have zero appetite for spending my honeymoon (or minimoon) with housemates or those in tents nearby.

If you need a counteroffer, is there a place where you could rent a few cabins and each couple has their own? That would mean privacy but could still accomplish getting out with these friends.

lnixon8

tigerlily6 said:

CMGragain said:

It sounds to me that you really don't like this idea of spending your honeymoon with other people, and I don't blame you.  Tell your FI exactly how you feel.  He can go camping with his buddies some other time.

Thanks, @CMGragain. That's what I think I plan to do today. I just was a bit shocked by his suggestion yesterday evening. It really didn't sound like a good plan to me, but I was worried that I might be being too fussy about everything. I understand that these are good friends of his that he does not get to see very often, and may not see again for some time after the wedding. But I think I may suggest instead that we just have a BBQ or something at our house the day afterwards for any guests still in town who would like to come. I was kind of thinking that's what we would do anyway. 

I wouldn't make an offhand comment about the bbq instead. I was so tired/hungover the day after my wedding and was glad I did not have to do anything the next day- let alone run around buying groceries and flipping burgers. 

tigerlily6

Thanks, everybody! It's nice to get validation that I'm not just being a bitchy future wife here by putting my foot down on this. 

Like I said, I understand where FI is coming from, but I'm just frustrated. A lot of our guests are dear friends who have moved all over the country, and it is hard to see them often -- it may only happen once every few years. That being said, though, this is a wedding, not a reunion, and I don't think the extent of how tired we may be after the wedding has sunk into FI at all. 

I talked to him and said no camping trip. I explained some of my reasoning, and he got the picture and agreed. He really wants to still be available for guests who may still be in town on Sunday like his friends, so I said it's fine for people to come over to the house in the afternoon, have a few beers, we live right by the grocery store so we can pick up some hot dogs, etc. I thought this would be a good compromise, but then he remarked how he feels that we should offer to let friends crash on our couch or in the spare room if they need that evening. *UGH* Am I allowed to smack him across the side of the head? 

climbingsingle

Honestly, the day after my wedding, I really didn't want to see anyone. I was hungover, tired and my feet hurt. I still got up though and hiked with a group of friends. But after that, I went back to my room and stayed there for the whole day. And I didn't feel bad about it either. 

ShesSoCold

1. Yes, definitely hit him.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with having a laid back open house type thing the day after. H and I were fine the day after our wedding - we went to lunch with his mom, stopped by a friend's house and then hung out at my dad's for a while when we picked up our dog. It was really no problem at all.

charlotte989875

1. Yes, hit him.

2. All of this would be a big, NO from me.

Just like @climbingwife and @lnixon8, I was exhausted, hung over, and tired of talking to people. H's brother and SIL had people over for grilling and recapping of the family friends who were hammered. We stopped by for a bit, but then went back to our rental to sleep, sex, champagne and let over cake. Is there somewhere else you could do this instead of your house? 

tigerlily6

Sadly, we don't really have any other friends or relatives that live in the area, and aside from renting another space, which is not in our budget, I'm not sure what we'd do for a day-after get together of any guests left in town. Maybe a nearby park? Honestly, though, I'm okay having people stop by if it's just for a few hours. A lot of guests have traveled a long way and we may not see them for quite a while afterwards. I know I won't have much time to talk with them during the actual wedding day, and would be happy to see them a bit more if they are still in town the next day and thank them again for coming. I just want to be able to go to my own bed at nighttime without still feeling like I have to host or entertain.

I talked with FI about it again, explained my reasoning as clear as possible for why I want some space. I basically flipped the scenario around and said "Imagine we are guests at X & Y's wedding. Even if we stayed an extra day to spend some time with them the next afternoon, would you really want to crash at their place the day after they're married? Of course not! They're JUST married!" I think this helped drive the point home. I think he's just got a bad case of trying to be over-hospitable, but when I put him in the shoes of a guest, it seemed to make more sense. 

STARMOON44

"Yo, do you wanna fuck or not"

srsly bro your priorities suck

PaperTigersx

tigerlily6 said:

Thanks, everybody! It's nice to get validation that I'm not just being a bitchy future wife here by putting my foot down on this. 

Like I said, I understand where FI is coming from, but I'm just frustrated. A lot of our guests are dear friends who have moved all over the country, and it is hard to see them often -- it may only happen once every few years. That being said, though, this is a wedding, not a reunion, and I don't think the extent of how tired we may be after the wedding has sunk into FI at all. 

I talked to him and said no camping trip. I explained some of my reasoning, and he got the picture and agreed. He really wants to still be available for guests who may still be in town on Sunday like his friends, so I said it's fine for people to come over to the house in the afternoon, have a few beers, we live right by the grocery store so we can pick up some hot dogs, etc. I thought this would be a good compromise, but then he remarked how he feels that we should offer to let friends crash on our couch or in the spare room if they need that evening. *UGH* Am I allowed to smack him across the side of the head? 

if they're coming from out of town, they should already have booked a place to stay. If they are staying beyond the wedding day, it is up to them to provide their own accommodations. 

I might be wrong on that, but I don't think it should be up to you and FH to continue hosting like that post-wedding

tigerlily6

PaperTigersx said:

tigerlily6 said:

Thanks, everybody! It's nice to get validation that I'm not just being a bitchy future wife here by putting my foot down on this. 

Like I said, I understand where FI is coming from, but I'm just frustrated. A lot of our guests are dear friends who have moved all over the country, and it is hard to see them often -- it may only happen once every few years. That being said, though, this is a wedding, not a reunion, and I don't think the extent of how tired we may be after the wedding has sunk into FI at all. 

I talked to him and said no camping trip. I explained some of my reasoning, and he got the picture and agreed. He really wants to still be available for guests who may still be in town on Sunday like his friends, so I said it's fine for people to come over to the house in the afternoon, have a few beers, we live right by the grocery store so we can pick up some hot dogs, etc. I thought this would be a good compromise, but then he remarked how he feels that we should offer to let friends crash on our couch or in the spare room if they need that evening. *UGH* Am I allowed to smack him across the side of the head? 

if they're coming from out of town, they should already have booked a place to stay. If they are staying beyond the wedding day, it is up to them to provide their own accommodations. 

I might be wrong on that, but I don't think it should be up to you and FH to continue hosting like that post-wedding

@PaperTigersx, I agree completely. This is what I've had to explain to my FH. I've made room blocks at three different hotels in town so are options for everybody of where they want to stay the night of the wedding. If anybody wishes to stay in town later, that's great, but that's their prerogative. I'm happy to meet people for an afternoon brunch or cookout if they're around, but I'm not inviting anybody to stay longer. I'll have had my one day, and I have a feeling that will be more than enough. Like PPs have said, I'll probably be pretty exhausted after it!

charlotte989875

STARMOON44 said:

"Yo, do you wanna fuck or not"

srsly bro your priorities suck

This. All of this. 

tigerlily6

Happy to announce that, without too much smacking, the point has been made and I have won the battle. 

We've agreed that we can meet up with any friends and family the next day for an afternoon brunch if anybody wishes. But, that evening is our own, whether we are going back to the house or getting a hotel room for ourselves. If any guests wish to stay in town, that's fine, but that's on them. 

I may have suggested this after conveniently taking a shopping trip and when he asked what I got, I replied "Oh, just some girly things. For after we're married."

M-1391

I like your strategy!! Some day  it may be useful for me as well 
I think you made the best choice!!

VerizonGirl

You need to schedule a meeting for you and FI with your wedding officiant.  Your FI is treating YOUR WEDDING like a weekend family reunion, or high school reunion, or alumni weekend when one of your friends is being inducted into the Hall of Fame.  Since everybody else in his group wants to party all weekend with him, it sounds like he's the first of his group to get married - so he needs to learn what this is all about...

drglitter

tigerlily6 said:

Happy to announce that, without too much smacking, the point has been made and I have won the battle. 

We've agreed that we can meet up with any friends and family the next day for an afternoon brunch if anybody wishes. But, that evening is our own, whether we are going back to the house or getting a hotel room for ourselves. If any guests wish to stay in town, that's fine, but that's on them. 

I may have suggested this after conveniently taking a shopping trip and when he asked what I got, I replied "Oh, just some girly things. For after we're married."

I like your style.

OliveOilsMom

VerizonGirl said:

You need to schedule a meeting for you and FI with your wedding officiant.  Your FI is treating YOUR WEDDING like a weekend family reunion, or high school reunion, or alumni weekend when one of your friends is being inducted into the Hall of Fame.  Since everybody else in his group wants to party all weekend with him, it sounds like he's the first of his group to get married - so he needs to learn what this is all about...

Kristen#s. . . Is that you????

kimmiinthemitten

STARMOON44 said:

"Yo, do you wanna fuck or not"

srsly bro your priorities suck

tigerlily6 said:

 but when I put him in the shoes of a guest, it seemed to make more sense. 

As I read through this my thought was put him in the shoes of a guy who hasn't gotten laid for a year!  Problem solved - but I like your spin, nice move!

tigerlily6

VerizonGirl said:

You need to schedule a meeting for you and FI with your wedding officiant.  Your FI is treating YOUR WEDDING like a weekend family reunion, or high school reunion, or alumni weekend when one of your friends is being inducted into the Hall of Fame.  Since everybody else in his group wants to party all weekend with him, it sounds like he's the first of his group to get married - so he needs to learn what this is all about...

I understand what you mean by this, but I have to note -- it is OUR wedding, not mine. It takes two to tango, and in many respects, I would be happy to honor his wishes/ entertain his ideas about the wedding. 

He is indeed the first in his group of friends to get married. As we're Catholic, we've been going through the marriage preparation meetings at our church for the past several months, so I'm not concerned that he isn't taking marriage itself seriously. He and I are on the same page there. He doesn't tread into commitments lightly, and while I certainly admit he may not always do it romantically, after 6 years with him, I know that when he stands behind something or says something, he has thought about it and means it. I would not be marrying him if I didn't know he values our marriage the same way I do. 

As for understanding the event of the wedding itself, however . . . that's where I'm constantly finding the need to educate him. Like I said, I think his idea stemmed from a good place in his heart. He's heard me explain for the past 11 months now that just because a couple gets married it is not an excuse for to be bad hosts to their guests. I may have driven that point home too much to him, I think. But thank goodness for the persuasive power of pink striped bags. 

[Deleted User]

I get were FI was coming from, we ran into similar situation. We had family come into town we only get to see every few years so we wanted to visit with them after the wedding because you don't get to visit much at your wedding. So that didn't leave us with any time for ourselves before we left for our honeymoon on Monday morning. I think the key for us was putting time limits for Sunday on how much time we spent with them. We left Monday morning on our Honeymoon. We aren't big drinkers so we were fine the day after our wedding. Well, we did make sure we didn't drink too much because one of the gifts that we got (in advance) was tickets to an NFL game the next morning. Didn't want to have to deal with going to a game with all the noise and a hangover.

scrunchythief

A little late but....hahahahaha there is no way that would've flown with us.  We weren't perfect with abstaining, but we'd been trying to abstain for almost 6 years by the time we got married.  We planned our honeymoon around being naked most of the time.  I probably wouldn't have been able to restrain laughing if a friend suggested this to me.

Could his friends come in a few days early instead?  

indigo26

Oh good, someone else's FI sounds like mine! My FI had this *wonderful* idea that the day before our wedding, his sisters would be coming to stay at our super small house that we rent. AND since we only have one bed (ours) that they can sleep there and I could sleep on a blow up mattress in our living room. He is planning on going down to the lake and hanging out with his friends the day before (wedding is at said lake) so I'd be ok with that, right?

Yes he still lives. No that shizz is SO not happening. 

tigerlily6

@scrunchythief, no, unlikely that they'll be able to make it earlier -- after is easier since the Monday is a holiday. I think I'd possibly dislike people taking over my space before the wedding even more than after it. But I think we have dodged the bullet altogether. 

Stand firm, @indigo26! 

indigo26

@tigerlily6  - Oh I am, lol. He gets the raised eyebrow when he mentions it, which isn't often anymore. By the wedding (July 9th) it'll be a non-issue so I haven't made a huge deal out of it. 

I'm all for hanging out with people after the wedding since we're not leaving for our honeymoon until the Tuesday after the wedding. Honestly our plans for our wedding night are to crawl into bed on the boat and then ride across the lake for breakfast the next morning, so I don't even care if our friends crash on the boat with us (it sleeps 5-6 people in three different berths). But it'd only be that one night, Sunday night we'll be at home just the two of us. Spending several days and nights with friends would just be too much for me. And I LOVE your tactic with the pink striped bags!

SP29

Glad you got the point across! I was also going to suggest that you needed to be point blank with him- what would you rather? Hang out with your friends, or get laid? And yes, there is one correct answer here.

I do get where he is coming from, we were sort of in a similar situation. We moved away, but had our wedding in our hometown, so there was that want (on both sides) for us to visit with family and friends. We also had some friends who lived OOT with us attend/ participate in our wedding, so we also didn't want to "ditch" them while they were still in town.

We got a hotel on our wedding night, had a leisurely breakfast and hotel check out. We did then spend the rest of our DAYS in our hometown with friends or family.

BUT, if DH had suggested going away with a group of people, or letting people stay overnight with us- hell to the no!