Setting Boundaries

charlotte989875

So my mother had a problem with recognizing boundaries and when we planned the wedding last year I got a lot of practice in telling her, nicely, politely that she needed to respect them. I need a little advice on how to handle a new problem with this. 

H and I are moving roughly 500 miles in 3-4 weeks. We're also both professors and the end of the semester is the busiest time of year, and H is taking classes and his last exams are this weekend. Earlier this week my mother asked if she could come visit (she lives in NY were in NC) because she had to go to FL. She has to be there the day we close on our new house 5 states away. I told her it was a busy time, I had to talk with H, and not to book anything until I did. 

She he texts me last night with the confirmation numbers of her hotel stay, in the closest city to us for 4 days, right before were supposed to close. H wants to tell her were not going to see her because we're too busy packing up, saying goodbye to our friends, finishing things here. I'm pissed that she did this, but I also feel like I can't ignore her if she's here. Any thoughts on the best way to approach this?

STARMOON44

Tell her you're confused about why she is coming for so long when you told her that it would be a busy time and that you'd love to see her for dinner/breakfast/pedicures on XYZ date and time but other than that you are fully booked. 

Personally I just wouldn't want to ignore her entirely, even though it's annoying. 

glasgowtolondon

That is infuriating, you don't need the added stress of trying to fit her in when you have a huge move like that. Starmoon makes a great suggestion, at least this way you can control when/how much time you have to spend with her. Otherwise she may just try to be around the whole time. I wouldn't ignore her either, her intentions are most likely good. She probably thinks she's supporting you at a stressful time, even if it actually has the opposite effect. 

jacques27

I think there is a good go-between.  I mean, she will be passing through the area, she's an adult, and she doesn't need your permission to decide she wants to hang out in the same state/general vicinity as you.  She got herself a hotel room - it's not like she just assumed she was free to be your houseguest.  Given that you said she has boundary issues, I was expecting that she had texted you to tell you what time she'd be showing up at your house to stay for four days.  So, you treat her like you would any other adult with whom you are friendly.  Acknowledge her presence, do your best to make arrangements to at least see her once - whether that be for coffee or brunch or dinner or just stopping by her hotel room for a short chat.  If your husband is too busy with exams, he can just send his best wishes.  Reiterate nicely that you wish you had more free time to spend with her, but it's a really busy time right now.

She may offer to help pack, if that's what you are busy with, in an effort to be helpful to you and get to spend time with you.  If she can be helpful, you can accept her offer - it would serve dual purposes of getting your packing job done faster (even if it's just sending her out for more boxes and packing tape) and giving her time with you (even if it's busy time).  If she's the type that will be a hinderance in those efforts though, than just politely decline and maybe suggest activities of interest to her to spend on her vacation. 

Jen4948

I would tell her, "Mom, we're going to be very busy packing and getting ready for our move during that time, and we're not going to be able to stop to entertain you while you're here. If you still want to come, we can use the help, but otherwise, you'll be on your own most of the time."

And if she does show up, ask her to help. If she refuses or otherwise isn't helpful, then I would tell her, "Mom, I told you before your visit that we won't have time to host and entertain you. Since you aren't willing/able to help us out, I'm afraid we'll have to cut this visit short."

scrunchythief

Is she driving down or flying down?  If she's driving, she may have decided to book there to take a break, whether or not she gets to see you.  If she's flying, then I'd view this more of a testing boundaries thing.

charlotte989875

Thanks everyone, to answer a few questions, @scrunchythief she's flying into the city (about an hour from us) then heading down to Florida so it was not something that was really on the way or a break from traveling.

When she texted the hotel info she said, "I don't want to impose on you two, but I'm going to anyways because I really need a vacation. I want to see the city, and I used to pick you up from the airport at all times of the day and night, so I figured I could do the same".

Sometimes I can't tell if she's joking about those things, or if she's serious, but from what I gather from her she's not looking at this like a trip to help us during the move, but rather she has time off of work and thought it would be fun to come see the city.

I'll definitely do what you all have suggested and say I'm available at X time on Y and Z dates and leave it at that. I agree @STARMOON44 and @glasgowtolondon I can't just ignore that she's here, (and honestly I don't think H can either even though he says that he wants to), but I don't have to spend all day every out there with her either (for the record the city is an hours drive from where we live).

tigerlily6

I also agree with @STARMOON44 's plan. I could see my mom doing something similar in the future, and would feel the same way you do -- frustrated, but not wanting to ditch her completely. I'm sorry you're having to go through with this, but I hope you can at least be firm about sticking to the times/ dates you give her, and not feel obligated to do anything more than that. Sounds like your plate is pretty full! Good luck with the end of the semester and with the move!

geebee908

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone, to answer a few questions, @scrunchythief she's flying into the city (about an hour from us) then heading down to Florida so it was not something that was really on the way or a break from traveling.

When she texted the hotel info she said, "I don't want to impose on you two, but I'm going to anyways because I really need a vacation. I want to see the city, and I used to pick you up from the airport at all times of the day and night, so I figured I could do the same".

Sometimes I can't tell if she's joking about those things, or if she's serious, but from what I gather from her she's not looking at this like a trip to help us during the move, but rather she has time off of work and thought it would be fun to come see the city.

I'll definitely do what you all have suggested and say I'm available at X time on Y and Z dates and leave it at that. I agree @STARMOON44 and @glasgowtolondon I can't just ignore that she's here, (and honestly I don't think H can either even though he says that he wants to), but I don't have to spend all day every out there with her either (for the record the city is an hours drive from where we live).

Definitely testing the boundaries with a guilt trip on the side.

SP29

I agree with Starmoon's plan. Tell her you can meet up for dinner on X date (because you do need to eat right?), but other than that, you are busy.

Yes, she is an adult and can go wherever she likes, whenever. But that also means she can entertain herself too.

MesmrEwe

Be up front about your schedule - nothing more, nothing less...  It's not personal, it's just the schedule that you've got right now!

charlotte989875

Thanks everyone. H and I figured out when we could see her this weekend and we're going to let her know when we're available.

And now I'm just venting here, but she won't return my calls. I know her schedule, and spoke with my father who said she was home and got them and is just not returning them. This isn't new for her, but it drives me crazy (and I know I've got to let it go); when she does things she knows will upset other people, she then will refuse to discuss it. 

 I think the next plan is just to leave our available times on her voicemail. Please tell me someone else has dealt with parents like this?

SP29

charlotte989875 said:

Thanks everyone. H and I figured out when we could see her this weekend and we're going to let her know when we're available.

And now I'm just venting here, but she won't return my calls. I know her schedule, and spoke with my father who said she was home and got them and is just not returning them. This isn't new for her, but it drives me crazy (and I know I've got to let it go); when she does things she knows will upset other people, she then will refuse to discuss it. 

 I think the next plan is just to leave our available times on her voicemail. Please tell me someone else has dealt with parents like this?

Fortunately, no. But geez, pretty childish. Yes, I'd leave the information on her voicemail, or text her (however you usually communicate), and then leave it up to her. If she doesn't get back to you- then oh well, you had other things to do anyways.

I'm all for people being adults, such as her deciding she is going to show up for a vacation, but then you've got to act like an adult the whole way through- if people are busy, you deal with it. Your mom doesn't get to decide that just because she decided to show up on X date means you have to drop everything and entertain her, because you are her daughter. If she is planning this trip to hang out with your specifically, she should have discussed a mutual vacation date.