Sent Save the Date, but Not inviting??

Knottie1428535830

I know etiquette-wise, if you send a person a STD, you have to invite them. I gave all of my coworkers STDs. Since then, I had a baby and was on maternity leave. Due to severe postpartum depression/anxiety, I extended my leave for 3 more months. My wedding is 7/2 and my leave is extended through 8/1. It seems weird to invite them at this point. Not to mention, our finances are a lot tighter due to my extended leave. Would it be wrong to not invite them? If I don't invite them, how do I explain it??

ShesSoCold

Yes, it would be very wrong.

CharmedPam

Yes, it would be wrong.  I don't know how you could do it because you'd come back from mat leave and be like "surprise! we were married" and it's not like they would have forgotten they received the STD.  It doesn't matter if you were on mat leave or not.

on a side note - sorry you're going through the postpartum depression.

Knottie1428535830

I thought so too, but needed someone to reiterate that. So thank-you! I think it's the anxiety making me question it. Thanks for your well wishes, CharmedPam!

Knottie1428535830

Knottie1428535830 said:

I thought so too, but needed someone to reiterate that. So thank-you! I think it's the anxiety making me question it. Thanks for your well wishes, CharmedPam!

wink0erin

Still invite them, it won't be weird. They may come, they may not. I'm sorry you've been dealing with postpartum depression! Best wishes. 

OliveOilsMom

Not inviting them now will make for a potentially very awkward situation at work when you go back.  Send the invites.  If your budget has stretched, there are other ways you can save money.  No favors, minimal flowers or downgrade your floral choices, go with cheaper food options, etc.  We could help you find places to save money, if you need help with that.

Sorry you are going through postpartum depression.  I'm glad that you are seeking the help you need and hope for a quick resolution for you.

[Deleted User]

Yes you still need to invite them, they have put the day aside for you and are expecting invitations. Unfortunately, you need to find other ways to save money with your wedding expenses. Talk to your vendors. For example with your florist you may be able to save money by changing up what kind of flowers you are using and the size of the bouquets/arrangements. Depending on how much time you booked your photographer for, consider reducing it. I know many brides have the photographer there starting from when they are getting their hair & makeup done until the end of the night. If you had planned that, have them come a little later like just as you get into your dress and then have them leave the reception right after all big events are done like special dances, cake cutting, etc. Vendors typically won't penalize you for doing things like this because they would rather work with you to keep things affordable then lose your business totally & they won't have time to book another event for that date. Also for your reception, if you are having a full bar, see if you change it to just beer, wine & soft drinks. There may be a few other items on food you can do to save money. All of these things are things you can do to reduce costs and none of your guests will have any idea that you made changes. Good luck with planning the rest of your wedding & congrats on your baby. I'm sure everything will work out just fine. 

ei34

Ditto @OliveOilsMom with some great ideas to re-budget, because they do need to be invited if they've received STDs.  And so sorry about the postpartum depression, having a new baby without PPD is tough enough!  Wishing you the best.

SwissMs

I might disagree but it depends on circumstances AND how you handle it.  If you are generally scaling back and others may also not be receiving invites (or at least nobody else your colleagues know are receiving invites) AND you actually own up to it, I think it's fair.  For example, if you send each of your work colleagues a note saying something like "Thank you so much for saving the date, unfortunately due to some complications from my pregnancy we're scaling our wedding way back...."  If you've extended your maternity leave they are likely already aware that things may be tough.  The key is this needs to be done early (and I'm also assuming nobody would have needed complicated travel plans and they are all local).  Honestly, for a wedding around July 4th, they may welcome the "out."  Of course, you can't then post tons of photos of a HUGE, elaborate and presumably expensive shindig to social media, etc.  

aurianna

SwissMs said:

I might disagree but it depends on circumstances AND how you handle it.  If you are generally scaling back and others may also not be receiving invites (or at least nobody else your colleagues know are receiving invites) AND you actually own up to it, I think it's fair.  For example, if you send each of your work colleagues a note saying something like "Thank you so much for saving the date, unfortunately due to some complications from my pregnancy we're scaling our wedding way back...."  If you've extended your maternity leave they are likely already aware that things may be tough.  The key is this needs to be done early (and I'm also assuming nobody would have needed complicated travel plans and they are all local).  Honestly, for a wedding around July 4th, they may welcome the "out."  Of course, you can't then post tons of photos of a HUGE, elaborate and presumably expensive shindig to social media, etc.  

No. You scale back on the wedding, NOT on the guests. Less flowers, less pictures, cheaper place settings, cheaper invites, no favors, no limo, etc etc etc, not less guests.

A STD is an invitation. It is "My wedding is this date and I am inviting you to it. Be ready." You don't just do a take-backsies, especially when professional co-workers are involved!

The only other thing she can do is cancel wedding completely. Send out notes that the wedding will not take place as scheduled, then plan it on a completely different day, several months down the road, with a different guest list.

[Deleted User]

SwissMs said:

I might disagree but it depends on circumstances AND how you handle it.  If you are generally scaling back and others may also not be receiving invites (or at least nobody else your colleagues know are receiving invites) AND you actually own up to it, I think it's fair.  For example, if you send each of your work colleagues a note saying something like "Thank you so much for saving the date, unfortunately due to some complications from my pregnancy we're scaling our wedding way back...."  If you've extended your maternity leave they are likely already aware that things may be tough.  The key is this needs to be done early (and I'm also assuming nobody would have needed complicated travel plans and they are all local).  Honestly, for a wedding around July 4th, they may welcome the "out."  Of course, you can't then post tons of photos of a HUGE, elaborate and presumably expensive shindig to social media, etc.  

No.  I think you can do this with friends or distant family if you really have to, even though it's incredibly rude.  But do you really want to piss off the people you work with?  Even if you quit, you're not going to want to burn those bridges of people you might someday want reference letters from.

(And nobody needs an "out" for a wedding.  It's an invitation, not a subpoena.)

MesmrEwe

Yes, invite them... 

You're going through A LOT right now with just having had a baby and all that comes along with it (nothing can prepare one for it!), pile on a case of PPD and anxiety, and then a wedding...  I don't know if it's possible, but consider starting with your DCP soon as you're able (even if temporarily part time) so that you have a designated time to start taking care of you a bit in the schedule. 

Cut the menu back to a 2-piece fried chicken dinner if you need to, scale back the floral arrangements, cut the favors, use disposable plates (plastic ones), plastic cups, etc.  No one knows if you "cut back" if you do it in subtle ways that they're still properly hosted. 

That first year is rough - it makes you realize why there's the saying "The only thing tougher than a Marine - is a Marine's Momma!"..  Go ahead and ask for the support you need, even if that means paying for it in the form of the DCP.  It gives you a chance to have an "off" switch for a few hours and reinforce to yourself it's healthy and good for you to have that balance!  Also, make sure you're working with a GREAT counselor of some type during the process.  Someone that you can safely decompress with that understands you but is also going to guide you through the motions of developing that new normal in your life. 

ShesSoCold

I actually just realized that we never got an invitation to a wedding we got a STD for. Wedding is in 4 weeks.

I guess we should cancel our hotel room.

princessleia22

SwissMs said:

I might disagree but it depends on circumstances AND how you handle it.  If you are generally scaling back and others may also not be receiving invites (or at least nobody else your colleagues know are receiving invites) AND you actually own up to it, I think it's fair.  For example, if you send each of your work colleagues a note saying something like "Thank you so much for saving the date, unfortunately due to some complications from my pregnancy we're scaling our wedding way back...."  If you've extended your maternity leave they are likely already aware that things may be tough.  The key is this needs to be done early (and I'm also assuming nobody would have needed complicated travel plans and they are all local).  Honestly, for a wedding around July 4th, they may welcome the "out."  Of course, you can't then post tons of photos of a HUGE, elaborate and presumably expensive shindig to social media, etc.  

I think the only time this is appropriate is if you cancel all bookings and REALLY scale it back, to like just immediate family.  If you just "scale back" by cutting your 10 co-workers, that's pretty rude.

And, a wedding invite isn't a summons.  You shouldn't need an "out".  You aren't required to go and you don't need an excuse to decline attending.  If they have other plans for 4th of July weekend, they are always able to decline the wedding invite.  

aurianna

ShesSoCold said:

I actually just realized that we never got an invitation to a wedding we got a STD for. Wedding is in 4 weeks.

I guess we should cancel our hotel room.

This is where I am such a bad person and I'd contact them over email or something and be like, "Haven't gotten the invite yet so wondering if I could have a few logistical details..." and let them squirm.

spockforprez

aurianna said:

show previous quotes

ShesSoCold said:

I actually just realized that we never got an invitation to a wedding we got a STD for. Wedding is in 4 weeks.

I guess we should cancel our hotel room.

This is where I am such a bad person and I'd contact them over email or something and be like, "Haven't gotten the invite yet so wondering if I could have a few logistical details..." and let them squirm.

Yes, but be super excited about it. "Hey guys! It's getting so close to the wedding, yay! We've already got our hotel room booked and we just can't wait! I think my invitation was lost in the mail, so just let me know what time the ceremony is so we aren't late!" Absolutely no way (I hope) could they tell you you weren't invited then!

InLoveInQueens

aurianna said:

show previous quotes

ShesSoCold said:

I actually just realized that we never got an invitation to a wedding we got a STD for. Wedding is in 4 weeks.

I guess we should cancel our hotel room.

This is where I am such a bad person and I'd contact them over email or something and be like, "Haven't gotten the invite yet so wondering if I could have a few logistical details..." and let them squirm.

I absolutely suggest doing that, let them say they uninvited you. Hopefully they feel bad and realize what they've done.

But I'm also an awful bitch who enjoys the opportunity to call people out on their bullshit, so maybe don't listen to me?

I'd say "Hey, we have our hotel room all booked from when you sent us the Save the Date, just realized we never got our invite! It probably got lost in the mail, so I wanted to reach out to you to make sure we have all the details!" because I'm horrible and passive aggressive.

princessleia22

InLoveInQueens said:

show previous quotes

aurianna said:

ShesSoCold said:

I actually just realized that we never got an invitation to a wedding we got a STD for. Wedding is in 4 weeks.

I guess we should cancel our hotel room.

This is where I am such a bad person and I'd contact them over email or something and be like, "Haven't gotten the invite yet so wondering if I could have a few logistical details..." and let them squirm.

I absolutely suggest doing that, let them say they uninvited you. Hopefully they feel bad and realize what they've done.

But I'm also an awful bitch who enjoys the opportunity to call people out on their bullshit, so maybe don't listen to me?

I'd say "Hey, we have our hotel room all booked from when you sent us the Save the Date, just realized we never got our invite! It probably got lost in the mail, so I wanted to reach out to you to make sure we have all the details!" because I'm horrible and passive aggressive.

See, I'd contact them and ask about it also, but mainly because it really could have gotten lost in the mail... it happens. And if it didn't get lost, and they really did choose to uninvite me, I get the added bonus of making them squirm over it.

ShesSoCold

I'd love to do all of these things, but I don't know these people at all. It's H's first cousin but I've never met that side of the family. I'd have to find the STD just to remember their first names. 

I'd really love to just cancel the room and be done. This is H's mom's side of the family, and if you recall all the drama we had with MIL, I can't imagine any of these people have a good opinion of me. But the other half of me wanted to go and be super nice and make them wonder why MIL hates me so much. 

ILoveBeachMusic

princessleia22 said:

show previous quotes

InLoveInQueens said:

aurianna said:

ShesSoCold said:

I actually just realized that we never got an invitation to a wedding we got a STD for. Wedding is in 4 weeks.

I guess we should cancel our hotel room.

This is where I am such a bad person and I'd contact them over email or something and be like, "Haven't gotten the invite yet so wondering if I could have a few logistical details..." and let them squirm.

I absolutely suggest doing that, let them say they uninvited you. Hopefully they feel bad and realize what they've done.

But I'm also an awful bitch who enjoys the opportunity to call people out on their bullshit, so maybe don't listen to me?

I'd say "Hey, we have our hotel room all booked from when you sent us the Save the Date, just realized we never got our invite! It probably got lost in the mail, so I wanted to reach out to you to make sure we have all the details!" because I'm horrible and passive aggressive.

See, I'd contact them and ask about it also, but mainly because it really could have gotten lost in the mail... it happens. And if it didn't get lost, and they really did choose to uninvite me, I get the added bonus of making them squirm over it.

We did have a family member call because they didn't get an invitation. It really was lost. I was mortified and sent another right away. The original invitation showed up the day after the wedding - two months after it was sent!

holyguacamole79

SwissMs said:

I might disagree but it depends on circumstances AND how you handle it.  If you are generally scaling back and others may also not be receiving invites (or at least nobody else your colleagues know are receiving invites) AND you actually own up to it, I think it's fair.  For example, if you send each of your work colleagues a note saying something like "Thank you so much for saving the date, unfortunately due to some complications from my pregnancy we're scaling our wedding way back...."  If you've extended your maternity leave they are likely already aware that things may be tough.  The key is this needs to be done early (and I'm also assuming nobody would have needed complicated travel plans and they are all local).  Honestly, for a wedding around July 4th, they may welcome the "out."  Of course, you can't then post tons of photos of a HUGE, elaborate and presumably expensive shindig to social media, etc.  

I was given an STD once by the MOB.  The wedding was 4 th of July weekend, and I had booked airfare.  My mom found out That only my parents were invited (these were family friends).  I was livid and hurt. 

Don't assume people want / need an out.  If the wedding is scaled back, that's one thing.  But don't try to make this look convenient to the guests.