Shower for an "older" bride

[Deleted User]

Fi and I will be 36 and 35 respectively when we get married.
His youngest brother (23) just got engaged too and is planning a wedding the same year as us.

MIL wants to plan one big shower for the both of us.

I stopped that idea right away as I am sure it is important for a young bride to have her own shower and knowing her, she would be pissed.
Plus, Fi and I have been living together for 3 years and combined 2 households already. We won't have a standard registry as we don't need pots and pans. I am even having a garage sale to get rid of all the double or triple things we have.
I told Fi it would be awkward for me to be at the shower watching the other bride open her gifts.

Anyway, I want to plan my shower and I want it to be different than the traditional shower. I am not the traditional bride Fi's family is used to. 
I have some time to think about it so if you have any ideas, it would be great!

LondonLisa

Lippenrieder said:

Fi and I will be 36 and 35 respectively when we get married.
His youngest brother (23) just got engaged too and is planning a wedding the same year as us.

MIL wants to plan one big shower for the both of us.

I stopped that idea right away as I am sure it is important for a young bride to have her own shower and knowing her, she would be pissed.
Plus, Fi and I have been living together for 3 years and combined 2 households already. We won't have a standard registry as we don't need pots and pans. I am even having a garage sale to get rid of all the double or triple things we have.
I told Fi it would be awkward for me to be at the shower watching the other bride open her gifts.

Anyway, I want to plan my shower and I want it to be different than the traditional shower. I am not the traditional bride Fi's family is used to. 
I have some time to think about it so if you have any ideas, it would be great!

It sounds like declining this shower was a good idea for several reasons, mainly that this is a logistical nightmare. Are guests expected to bring both of you a gift? Also, anyone invited to this shower needs to be invited to BOTH of your weddings. I don't think you would want to be locked into inviting your future SIL's friends to your wedding because they brought you a shower gift. 

Also, what do you mean by a non-traditional registry? If you mean camping equipment and board games, that is fine. But if you mean a honeymoon or cash registry, that is inappropriate and rude. 

But the biggest takeaway from this all is that you do not plan you shower at all. A shower is a gift someone throws for you. You are free to decline (just like you declined your MIL's shower) but you cannot ask anyone else to plan it, you do not have input into its plan and you certainly cannot plan it yourself.

Also, showers are for boxed gifts only- so if you are not having a physical gift registry, you should not be having a shower, full stop. 

[Deleted User]

A shower is a gift that someone else hosts for you as the guest of honor.  You can NOT host your own shower.  "Hey, everyone, come over and give me gifts.  It's a non-traditional shower, so bring me bottles of wine and lawn ornaments for my yard instead of dishes and mixing bowls!"  Nope.  If nobody else offers to throw you a shower, you don't get a shower.

Feel free to have party or girls night out or tea party where you invite your favorite gals for wine, but that is not a shower nor should it be a party honoring you.  If you want to honor your friends by hosting them, that's always allowed.

ETA; hilarious that you think 35 is "older".  When I saw the thread title, I was expecting you to be in your late fifties at least.

kvruns

adk19 said:

A shower is a gift that someone else hosts for you as the guest of honor.  You can NOT host your own shower.  "Hey, everyone, come over and give me gifts.  It's a non-traditional shower, so bring me bottles of wine and lawn ornaments for my yard instead of dishes and mixing bowls!"  Nope.  If nobody else offers to throw you a shower, you don't get a shower.

Feel free to have party or girls night out or tea party where you invite your favorite gals for wine, but that is not a shower nor should it be a party honoring you.  If you want to honor your friends by hosting them, that's always allowed.

ETA; hilarious that you think 35 is "older".  When I saw the thread title, I was expecting you to be in your late fifties at least.

same here!

Tyvm

On the bright side, you've found one of TK's forums largest pet peeves early on in the game, so you're unlikely to stumble into it again. You actually even hit two already: (1) never host your own shower, and (2) honeyfunds are a poorly chosen way to ask for cash.

If you'd rather have no gifts at your shower, you can ask the host (who isn't you) to do one of several options: (1) make it a 'bridal luncheon' - no gifts required, (2) make it a bridal luncheon where everyone brings a favorite recipe, or perhaps (3) make it a stock-the-bar bridal shower where everyone brings a bottle of booze or bitters or straws or something, or (4) make it a date-night themed bridal shower, where everyone brings something (an idea or movie tickets, or bottle of wine with an idea, etc.) for a date night for you and your FI.

eileenrob

You were very smart to stop your FMIL- a double shower would've been sticky, as you'd have to invite your FSIL's guests to your wedding. 
A bridal luncheon or tea would be appropriate if you want yours to be different than the traditional shower.  These events are more about the bride's family and friends enjoying each other's company, in a pre-wedding atmosphere, without any gifts. 
And FWIW, in my area (NYC), I've been to plenty of weddings where the couple (getting married for the first time) are in their 30s.

floridabride44

Lippenrieder said:

Fi and I will be 36 and 35 respectively when we get married.
His youngest brother (23) just got engaged too and is planning a wedding the same year as us.

MIL wants to plan one big shower for the both of us.

I stopped that idea right away as I am sure it is important for a young bride to have her own shower and knowing her, she would be pissed.
Plus, Fi and I have been living together for 3 years and combined 2 households already. We won't have a standard registry as we don't need pots and pans. I am even having a garage sale to get rid of all the double or triple things we have.
I told Fi it would be awkward for me to be at the shower watching the other bride open her gifts.

Anyway, I want to plan my shower and I want it to be different than the traditional shower. I am not the traditional bride Fi's family is used to. 
I have some time to think about it so if you have any ideas, it would be great!

Why would it be awkward to watch another bride open gifts? Just because you don't want a shower doesn't mean it should be awkward for you to attend and celebrate with your FSIL. 

Also, don't plan your own shower. People tend to use being a "non-traditional" bride as an excuse to break etiquette, but your situation isn't special. Plenty of brides already have what they need for their home - so they decline offers for showers. There's no rule that says you must have a shower, but there is a rule that says you cannot throw a party in your own honor... especially a gift-giving party! 

lnixon8

floridabride44 said:

Lippenrieder said:

Fi and I will be 36 and 35 respectively when we get married.
His youngest brother (23) just got engaged too and is planning a wedding the same year as us.

MIL wants to plan one big shower for the both of us.

I stopped that idea right away as I am sure it is important for a young bride to have her own shower and knowing her, she would be pissed.
Plus, Fi and I have been living together for 3 years and combined 2 households already. We won't have a standard registry as we don't need pots and pans. I am even having a garage sale to get rid of all the double or triple things we have.
I told Fi it would be awkward for me to be at the shower watching the other bride open her gifts.

Anyway, I want to plan my shower and I want it to be different than the traditional shower. I am not the traditional bride Fi's family is used to. 
I have some time to think about it so if you have any ideas, it would be great!

Why would it be awkward to watch another bride open gifts? Just because you don't want a shower doesn't mean it should be awkward for you to attend and celebrate with your FSIL. 

Also, don't plan your own shower. People tend to use being a "non-traditional" bride as an excuse to break etiquette, but your situation isn't special. Plenty of brides already have what they need for their home - so they decline offers for showers. There's no rule that says you must have a shower, but there is a rule that says you cannot throw a party in your own honor... especially a gift-giving party! 

I think  hope she meant sitting next to her FSIL and basically taking turns opening presents.

OP Have you thought about offering your future brother and sister in laws your double/old pots and pans? At 23 I would have been thrilled to get those sort of things especially coming from people 35/36 years old. These things are going to be much more in style than grannies old chipped plates from the 70's.

Tyvm

OP Have you thought about offering your future brother and sister in laws your double/old pots and pans? 

Yeah, showers are a great time for lovely, thoughtful kitchen upgrades. Those handmade glasses with bubbles in them? Yes, please. Nothing like living together for 4+ years, and not having matching silverware. And camping gear! We're getting too old to sleep on the ground! 

It's not the worst idea, really. Family members want to give you gifts that you'll use for a long time, and think about them when you use them. That's all    

[Deleted User]

Thank you for the input!

Let me address a couple points though.
I used "older" because in my Fi's family, everybody gets married before 25. Us getting married at 35+ is new to them.
Where I am from, people get married in their 30s. It's my norm.

I declined the 2-bride shower. Told them it was a bad idea. I know they wanted to lump both showers into one to make it easier but it's not a good idea.

I don't see what's wrong with Honeymoon funds. We won't do that because my dad offered to pay for it but as a guest, it never bothered me. Especially for couples with an established household. What's the difference between giving them cash in an enveloppe or giving cash towards a honeymoon? Some people like to give towards something. As a guest you're free to give whatever you want and that also can be $0. Nobody is obligated to anything.

We are already giving the 23 y/o groom-to-be some of our extra stuff for his farming shop. His Fiancée told him to stop accepting. She wants new stuff and no hand-me-downs.

Maybe I will suggest a bridal luncheon. 2 people want to throw me a shower so I will hint to that. And let them know they shouldn't call it a shower since I won't have a registry  

[Deleted User]

Lippenrieder said:

Thank you for the input!

Let me address a couple points though.
I used "older" because in my Fi's family, everybody gets married before 25. Us getting married at 35+ is new to them.
Where I am from, people get married in their 30s. It's my norm.

I declined the 2-bride shower. Told them it was a bad idea. I know they wanted to lump both showers into one to make it easier but it's not a good idea.

I don't see what's wrong with Honeymoon funds. We won't do that because my dad offered to pay for it but as a guest, it never bothered me. Especially for couples with an established household. What's the difference between giving them cash in an enveloppe or giving cash towards a honeymoon? Some people like to give towards something. As a guest you're free to give whatever you want and that also can be $0. Nobody is obligated to anything.

We are already giving the 23 y/o groom-to-be some of our extra stuff for his farming shop. His Fiancée told him to stop accepting. She wants new stuff and no hand-me-downs.

Maybe I will suggest a bridal luncheon. 2 people want to throw me a shower so I will hint to that. And let them know they shouldn't call it a shower since I won't have a registry  

The problem with a honeymoon fund is that you're giving a company 3-7% to write you a check.  If I as a guest write you a check for $100, you get $100.  If I as a guest give a honeyfund $100, you get $93-97.  That's just bad money management.  Also, it wouldn't be so bad if my gift of "swimming with the dolphins" was ACTUALLY a gift of swimming with the dolphins instead of a check to you to pay your phone bill or get a manicure.

SP29

OP- You should search for the relatively recent thread on Honeyfunds.

If you do not have a registry, best to decline any showers. I agree that doing a "2 for 1" shower, even if you did have a registry would be awkward. Anyone invited to a pre-wedding event should be invited to the wedding itself, thus hard to sort of a guest list for a shower related to two different weddings.

Having a bridal tea or luncheon is your best bet. You can still celebrate with your nearest and dearest without the indication of a gift giving event.

I had a bridal tea, because I was living OOT from the wedding (my hometown), and didn't want physical gifts. Most guests still gave me a gift- mostly cash (that is not weird for my family), though I did get a cookbook and some other small items. But that is also another reason why "Funds" are really just useless- anyone can give you a gift, for any reason. No one needs a registry to tell them cash is a good gift. Upon being given cash, you as the receiver are free to use it for whatever you like.

MyNameIsNot

Lippenrieder said:

Thank you for the input!

Let me address a couple points though.
I used "older" because in my Fi's family, everybody gets married before 25. Us getting married at 35+ is new to them.
Where I am from, people get married in their 30s. It's my norm.

I declined the 2-bride shower. Told them it was a bad idea. I know they wanted to lump both showers into one to make it easier but it's not a good idea.

I don't see what's wrong with Honeymoon funds. We won't do that because my dad offered to pay for it but as a guest, it never bothered me. Especially for couples with an established household. What's the difference between giving them cash in an enveloppe or giving cash towards a honeymoon? Some people like to give towards something. As a guest you're free to give whatever you want and that also can be $0. Nobody is obligated to anything.

We are already giving the 23 y/o groom-to-be some of our extra stuff for his farming shop. His Fiancée told him to stop accepting. She wants new stuff and no hand-me-downs.

Maybe I will suggest a bridal luncheon. 2 people want to throw me a shower so I will hint to that. And let them know they shouldn't call it a shower since I won't have a registry  

The problem with honeymoon registries is that they're a lie. It tells the guest that they are buying you a sunset cruise, but the couple really just gets the $100 cruise price, minus the ~5% fee that the company takes. If the guest wants to give you money, they will write you a check. People look to registries because they want to give something other than money. Duping them into it is dishonest and immoral. 

Also, I can't understand how anyone would be ok giving a company a percentage of their gifts. That's just plain stupid. 

Viczaesar

It's rude to register for money, which is what a Honeymoon registry is (and tries to pretend not to be).

Jen4948

You are not required to decline a shower if you don't register for gifts, but it is rude to plan and host a gift-giving event in your own honor. Sorry, but it's gift-grabby.

Nor are honeyfunds appropriate because it is rude to request cash as a gift. If people want to give you cash, they don't need a honeyfund to do it-they can write you checks and you'll get all the cash-not all the cash less a cut to the honeyfund. And honeyfunds bait people by promising that the cash will pay for some special experience, but it only does that if the couple arranges and pays for it-the honeyfunds themselves don't do that.

That said, I agree with you that a 2-for-1 shower, where your guests don't necessarily know the other couples' guests, can be awkward and are not a good idea.  

I'd decline the shower, but don't plan one of your own.

CMGragain

I would decline any shower that is hosted by a close family member, like mother or FMIL, but then, I am very traditional.
No. you shouldn't be involved in planning a party that is being given in your own honor.  Very tacky.
Many, many people think honeymoon funds are rude.  Some of your guests will be included in that group.  Don't do it.