Moms and Maids

Trying to include my Mom

I am very self-sufficient. If I need or want something for the wedding, I go searching for it and just buy it myself. My Mom is very laid back and does things at her own pace. Which is fine. So far the stuff she has done for the wedding is make phone calls about some venue issues we had, and she keeps track of everything we talk about in her book. Problem is my Mom feels like she isn't involved. I am the last daughter to get married and when my sisters got married, the internet had not blown up yet. My Mom doesn't even have an email. With both my sisters they spent endless weekends going from store to store to find their decorations and supplies. A lot of what I have, I got off of ebay, or etsy. So Mom hasn't been very involved in that decorations area. I think a big issue for her is that I am housing everything (But my dress, she has that) in my basement. I live less than a mile from our venue and she is 40 minutes away. So to us it was more logical. Invitations will be prepared here soon and my Mom told me a few months ago she wants the reply cards sent to her. I am doing a seating chart (both my sisters didn't) my Mom is 200% against doing one. She thinks they are too much work. I told her it was fine, she only knows a quarter of the people there. If anyone would be doing the work on the seating chart it is my and my FH. My FH found some labels that had her name and address on them and asked me about it. I told him my Mom wanted to receive the reply cards. He thinks we should just have them sent to us since we are doing the seating chart. I am trying to not look like a control freak and give my mom some more duties. Has anyone sent your reply cards to a different address than who was doing the seating chart?  

Re: Trying to include my Mom

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2016
    I think you need to receive the reply cards if you are hosting the wedding and your mom isn't (which is what it sounds like because you're doing all the work). Just tell her on this one, "Mom, FI and I discussed where we want the reply cards to go, and they'll be coming to us." If she gives you pushback, I'd respond, "I'm sorry you're disappointed, but this is our final decision on the matter and the subject is closed." Don't bring up seating charts or engage her further. (P.S. I agree that you need some kind of table - not seat - assignments, so her "too much work" argument is BS.)

    I'm not sure how your mom wants to be "involved" in your wedding, but it sounds to me like she is trying to control things without actively participating beyond giving orders. If there really isn't anything else you want her to do or she wants to do, I'd just tell her, "Thanks, Mom; if something comes up where we can use your involvement then I'll come straight to you, but in the meantime FI and I have things under control."



    ernursejmadamerwin
  • If your mom is paying, then she has much more say in how things are done.  I would just get the reply cards sent to her, and then maybe go to her house to work on the chart so she feels included.  Can you take your computer to her house and let her look/choose things with you.  When my DD got married 10 years ago, the internet was already a big thing, lol. We bought tons of stuff on line, but looked and ordered together, and I paid. Youngest DD isn't getting married any time soon but if I'm paying then I would expect to help her too.  She asks my opinion and loves shopping together so I don't think this will be an issue with her either.
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Is your mom paying for your wedding? 
  • My Mom is paying for half, which I am very thankful for.  I have just been able to find stuff on sale or on coupon so far. When I find something I like I don't want to wait for her. I would just rather get it. Unfortunately I can't take my computer out to her house, she doesn't have internet. I have invited her over to my house twice to look at stuff online, but some other things came up for her and she did not come. I will suggest doing to seating chart together.  
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My Mom is paying for half, which I am very thankful for.  I have just been able to find stuff on sale or on coupon so far. When I find something I like I don't want to wait for her. I would just rather get it. Unfortunately I can't take my computer out to her house, she doesn't have internet. I have invited her over to my house twice to look at stuff online, but some other things came up for her and she did not come. I will suggest doing to seating chart together.  
    I would have the replies sent her to then, and like you said, you can work on the seating chart together. 
    ernursej
  • You want a seating chart, she doesn't...  She's paying for half...  Find a compromise... 

    I'm going to guess here, but she also wants to know who's coming and who isn't as soon as you find out hence wanting the replies sent to her...  IMO - it's probably a better idea for you to have them delivered to you and call her to update daily as they come in (make this part of the plan!)..  The reason being you know exactly when you need counts and it'd save a step.  Your FI also wants to help with the seating arrangements so that's another reason. 

    Any chance you're having a veil?  If she's crafty - that's a good project even if just a simple one, for your Mom...  It's one of the few areas where DIY is a cost savings and can be an important element of the day. 

    You could have her do the name cards and meal choices, then once you've assigned tables add that information...

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    OurWildKingdomcharlotte989875ernursej
  • My daughter was working full time as a teacher during most of her wedding planning, so I both addressed the invitations, and received the written RSVPs.  We also used online responses, since many of her friends found that more convenient.  We communicated every few days, and I gave her the responses over the telephone.  She made out the seating charts, and talked with me about a few cases.  (Don't want to sit the nice, openly gay couple next to the conservative, clueless uncle.) 
    Anyway, I was happy to help her keep things well organized.  She made all the choices.  We paid and we hosted, so it made sense to respond to our address.
    How is her handwriting?  You could ask her to help you address those envelopes.
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    OurWildKingdomMesmrEweSP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited May 2016
    Your Mom has the right idea to keep track of everything in a book. Computers crash, files go missing. This way you have a backup. Just make sure you both communicate about every step. 

    Can't really add anything else that PPs didn't already cover.
    MesmrEwe
  • I am very self-sufficient. If I need or want something for the wedding, I go searching for it and just buy it myself. My Mom is very laid back and does things at her own pace. Which is fine. So far the stuff she has done for the wedding is make phone calls about some venue issues we had, and she keeps track of everything we talk about in her book. Problem is my Mom feels like she isn't involved. I am the last daughter to get married and when my sisters got married, the internet had not blown up yet. My Mom doesn't even have an email. With both my sisters they spent endless weekends going from store to store to find their decorations and supplies. A lot of what I have, I got off of ebay, or etsy. So Mom hasn't been very involved in that decorations area. I think a big issue for her is that I am housing everything (But my dress, she has that) in my basement. I live less than a mile from our venue and she is 40 minutes away. So to us it was more logical. Invitations will be prepared here soon and my Mom told me a few months ago she wants the reply cards sent to her. I am doing a seating chart (both my sisters didn't) my Mom is 200% against doing one. She thinks they are too much work. I told her it was fine, she only knows a quarter of the people there. If anyone would be doing the work on the seating chart it is my and my FH. My FH found some labels that had her name and address on them and asked me about it. I told him my Mom wanted to receive the reply cards. He thinks we should just have them sent to us since we are doing the seating chart. I am trying to not look like a control freak and give my mom some more duties. Has anyone sent your reply cards to a different address than who was doing the seating chart?  
    Other PPs have offered good advice, but I wanted to ask - how many people are invited to the wedding? If you're having more than, say, 20, I definitely think you need a seating chart - you don't need to assign seats, but you should at the very least assign tables. Otherwise, you may end up with a family of six being split up, because there is only one available seat at table 5, three at table 7, and two at table 10.

    Mom's excuse of seating charts being too much work is flimsy. If she absolutely does not want to be involved in that, then you should have the RSVPs sent to your house; you will need to be sure you have accurate info for the seating chart.

    Other than that: Have you asked her what she would like to be involved with? I think that is the best way to get her involved. I mean, we know she wants the RSVPs sent to her, but there must be other things she could help with...
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    OurWildKingdomJen4948SP29Greenjinjo
  • kvrunskvruns member
    5000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Are there some tasks you could ask your mom to take ownership of where you're not super concerned with the outcome. For instance my mom wanted to have some signs like "pick a seat not a side" type of things so I told her if she wanted to handle that I trusted her to do whatever bc I didn't care. She also took care of the flower girl basket and th cupcake stand (once she knew the general size/type we needed) and also researched prices on cups/plates/napkins. It was stuff I didn't really care about but she wanted projects so it was a good compromise 
    OurWildKingdomSP29
  • Thank you all for great advice. My guest list is 300, which is why I want to assign tables. We have talked and she is going to help us address our invitations and put ribbons on our bubbles. I set a day over a month out so I know it will work. She is very much against the assigned seating, so she wants nothing to do with that. Right now since she is hosting, I think it would be best that she get the reply cards, she is just going to have to get back to me everyday so I can plan the chart. I just need to get my FI on board with that. It makes him nervous, because she lives in the country and there were some issues with my sisters wedding invitations. But that was several years ago.
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thank you all for great advice. My guest list is 300, which is why I want to assign tables. We have talked and she is going to help us address our invitations and put ribbons on our bubbles. I set a day over a month out so I know it will work. She is very much against the assigned seating, so she wants nothing to do with that. Right now since she is hosting, I think it would be best that she get the reply cards, she is just going to have to get back to me everyday so I can plan the chart. I just need to get my FI on board with that. It makes him nervous, because she lives in the country and there were some issues with my sisters wedding invitations. But that was several years ago.
    Oh yes- assigned tables at the very least. Since this is something your mom wants nothing to do with, go ahead and take the lead. If you *were* to have open seating, it would require to to have additional tables/chairs for guests to make up their own group. When you are talking about 300 guests, that is a substantial amount of extra tables and chairs- I would question whether your venue could accommodate that.

    I think it's fine if she collects RSVPs- as far as the seating chart, you wouldn't do that until all the RSVPs are in, so you can wait then go visit one day and collect all the responses. You will also need to call anyone who does not RSVP- do you or does your mother have the guest contact info?

    I agree about asking your mom specifically what she'd like to be involved in, then give her a few tasks. Doesn't mean you have to hand over everything, but letting her take control of something that is important to her is a good way to go.
    FromMtoH
  • I have contact to everyone but about 10 people, which she would have those 10. She seems better now, I wasn't trying to exclude her in anyway, just have been doing a lot on my own. I am nervous about RSVP's. Every shower I have thrown, people just don't respond! I just don't understand why people don't like to RSVP!
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I have contact to everyone but about 10 people, which she would have those 10. She seems better now, I wasn't trying to exclude her in anyway, just have been doing a lot on my own. I am nervous about RSVP's. Every shower I have thrown, people just don't respond! I just don't understand why people don't like to RSVP!
    Not that I agree with this in any way, but I think it's in part because RSVPing requires making a commitment to attending or not attending, and many people like to keep their options open.

    People also think of "RSVPing" as having to fill something out and put it in the mail. Even though it doesn't (or shouldn't) take long to do, they don't like having to fill things out and mail them, whether they're bill payments, RSVPs, or whatever.
    FromMtoH
  • Didn't read the previous replies. My RSVP cards were sent to mom because she was hosting. She kept a yes/no Excel chart and then sent me the final copy so I could do the seating chart. She also gave me the cards after as a keepsake.
    OurWildKingdomFromMtoHCMGragain
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    TNDancer said:
    Didn't read the previous replies. My RSVP cards were sent to mom because she was hosting. She kept a yes/no Excel chart and then sent me the final copy so I could do the seating chart. She also gave me the cards after as a keepsake.
    That's a great idea for you, OP. 
    FromMtoH
  • TyvmTyvm member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer Name Dropper
    Your Mom has the right idea to keep track of everything in a book. Computers crash, files go missing. 
    @OurWildKingdomNope! I used to get this an excuse from my [undergraduate] students. It's just as bad as "the dog ate my homework." If you're not storing your important files on Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, OneDrive, Amazon Cloud Services, or some sort of other "cloud" (*cough*server*cough), then you are asking for trouble.

    Files do not go missing; computer crashes are not catastrophic, unless you do not protect yourself. It's like people driving without car insurance.

    Srsly, errrrbody. Get your important data on a cloud server of some sort.
    I'm including people who use The Knot's address book features in this directive, rofl.


    k thnx bye

    OurWildKingdomJediElizabeth
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Tyvm said:
    Your Mom has the right idea to keep track of everything in a book. Computers crash, files go missing. 
    @OurWildKingdomNope! I used to get this an excuse from my [undergraduate] students. It's just as bad as "the dog ate my homework." If you're not storing your important files on Google Drive, Dropbox, Box, OneDrive, Amazon Cloud Services, or some sort of other "cloud" (*cough*server*cough), then you are asking for trouble.

    Files do not go missing; computer crashes are not catastrophic, unless you do not protect yourself. It's like people driving without car insurance.

    Srsly, errrrbody. Get your important data on a cloud server of some sort.
    I'm including people who use The Knot's address book features in this directive, rofl.
    Oh, I keep everything on Google Drive and a USB drive. But it sounds like OP's mother isn't computer literate.
    FromMtoH
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